plictisita.
azi mi s-a intamplat ceva ce nu mi s-a mai intamplat demult: timpul aproape ca sta in loc. Am inceput si sfarsit o multime mare de ...activitati, si inca mai e timp.

dragostea inca ma ocoleste. oare pana cand?

...pana in ziua in care, inca o data, dragostea are sa te strige pe nume:

....once again, once again,
Love calls you by your name.




You thought that it could never happen
To all the people that you became,
Your body lost in legend, the beast so very tame.
But here, right here,
Between the birthmark and the stain,
Between the ocean and your open vein,
Between the snowman and the rain,
Once again, once again,
Love calls you by your name.

.......

Shouldering your loneliness
Like a gun that you will not learn to aim,
You stumble into this movie house,
Then you climb, you climb into the frame.
Yes, and here, right here
Between the moonlight and the lane,
Between the tunnel and the train,
Between the victim and his stain,
Once again, once again,
Love calls you by your name.

povestea mea continua. azi? multe. multe, marunte si mai putin marunte.

am avut un weekend lung, si cu bune si cu rele. mai mult bune.

*

tr sa imi reinoiesc permisul de conducere.

*

suflet inchis, nimic de spus, nimic de impartasit de aici.

multe de spus, putine de scris.

nimic nu misca pe nicaieri. nici macar fb-ul nu misca. nu ma absoarbe nimic. si timpul trebuie umplut. si e atat de evident ca doar cu scris il pot umple.

nimic - nimic ?
mai stii ceva de cuc, dar de oiski ?

dar de Afro? Sau de wulfenia?

cu oiski si wulfenia ma intretin pe email
afro misuna pe FB cred
de cuc nimic nu mai stiu!

*

a inceput sa miste!
am facut niste gafe la munca. o sa-mi treaca pana ma marit!

A mai trecut o zi prin noi, a fost si soare,-au fost si ploi, dar important e ca n-ai stat cu mine...!

scrisul nebunesc pe care l-am practicat in timpul studentiei, incercand sa prind fiecare cuvintel al profesorului, scrisul ala fara uitat pe foaie, ei bine scrisul ala mi-a folosit la jobul de fata. imediat dupa ce m-am angajat am inteles ca daca vreau sa fie altfel de data asta, trebuie sa ma port altfel, sa abordez jobul altfel. am inteles ca am de invatat mult, dar mai ales ca trebuie sa fur ceea ce am de invatat, caci cine iti da informatia cu lingurita? Si asa m-a ajutat scrisul nebunesc din facultate. Am scris fiecare cuvintel pe care il auzeam din gura celor care imi explicau una alta despre aplicatie. Si nu numai. Scriam numele celor cu care vorbeam si numele celor de care ei pomeneau. Si cam tot ce reprezenta informatie. ha! Mi-a folosit? Absolut! "A facut diferenta".

16 minute - record personal. strazile n-au fost libere, dar am prins verde cam peste tot.

How to train your dragon.
How to trick your fears.
Now or never. I choose now and I feel the freedom.

Citesc. Si vad ca putina lume intelege cu adevarat pana unde poate merge raul. Suntem atat de prinsi in ce ne povesteste haliudul incat nu avem cum sa mai intelegem ca realitatea bate cu adevarat filmul. Si aici imi prinde bine invatatura crestina pe care ma bucur ca am acumulat-o candva. Imi amintesc ca am fost martora la o exorcizare. Si am fost impresionata, dar nu peste masura. Raul in piele si oase nu e reprezentat de un trup omenesc din care ies guitaturi de porc. Da, e spectacol, dar nu reflecta raul esential. Raul esential e reprezentat prin oameni obisnuiti.

*

In alta ordine de idei sunt singura. Ma uit in jur si vad greselile pe care le fac persoanele care se afla intr-o situatie similara cu a mea. Vad, stiu care e pasul gresit. Mai departe as vrea sa cer ajutor, dar nu stiu cui.

Draga mea un primul rand nu esti singura . Ai o legatura reala cu ai tai copii, ai o legatura reala cu ai tai parinti, ai o legatura reala cu multi alti inclusiv cu mine. Esti tare draga multora !

Ciudat dar si eu ma gandeam zilele astea tot la raul din lume cum ii spui tu . Ma gandeam la raul asta cand un om frumos atat fizic cat si sufleteste (credeam eu naiva) este acuzat de pedofilie . Un om care ar fi putut avea orice femeie din lumea asta este expresia raului pentru mine zilele astea faptul ca este frumos si inteligent nu-i scuza faptele oribile de care a fost in stare . A fost suficient sa-mi aduc aminte de toate cartile lui Goma , de cartea lui Mihadas numita Pe munte Ebal , de cartea Pantha rhei .... toate astea descriu realitati nu sunt fictiuni si doamne cat rau exista in jurul nostru peste tot . Adevarul asta e apasator si amar si cred ca numai inconstienta ne salveaza de la a pune punct .

Mandro, ai mesaj privat.

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. The term is now also used in clinical and research literature.

[...]

Resisting[edit]

With respect to women in particular, Hilde Lindemann argued that "in gaslighting cases...ability to resist depends on her ability to trust her own judgments." Establishment of "counterstories" may help the victim reacquire "ordinary levels of free agency."

Betrayal of the Bystanders.


by Kathy

Why do we feel so wronged by the people who believe a narcissist's lies about us? There are a number of reasons, but here is one of the biggest.

It's because their credulity isn't innocent. If a stranger believes some outrageous lie about us, we aren't surprised, and we don't feel wronged by them. But if someone who knows us believes that same lie, we feel betrayed. Guess why?
It's because they have betrayed us by believing that lie about us.
For example, if someone has known you for ten years, they see your track record of conduct for the last ten years. In other words, they have seen how you conduct yourself along this way of life we're bound upon.

No, they don't see everything you've said and done. But they have seen a lot. They have seen you react to many various stimuli.

That track record of yours sketches your character in their eyes. This representation of what kind of person you are is based on your CONDUCT (your words and deeds), not on mere hearsay about you.

So no one should be able to come along and tell them JUST ANYTHING about you.



For example, if you are a gentle person, in ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting gently to things that most others would react more harshly to.

So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are violent.

Likewise if you are honest. In ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting honestly to things that most others would hedge the truth about.

So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are a liar.

Likewise if you are sensible. In ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting sensibly to things that most others would show poor judgment about.

So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are crazy and imagining things.

To believe these things about you they have to unknow everything they know about you. That is, they have to unknow you. They have to revise history. They have to erase that track record of yours.

And that track record is your life. They have to wipe it out.

That takes your life.

Which is why they call it "character assassination."

Your whole life goes up in smoke. And a figment of the imagination is substituted for it.

Those people are not innocent. Indeed, check it out: that is the Original Sin.

Eve committed it when she chose to believe that God was the liar, not the slithering sidewinder who snuck up to her and said, "Really? God told you that? That you would fall if you swallowed this stuff?"

Then Adam committed it worse when he swallowed it, too, just to agree with Eve.

The serpent did the same thing to God that the narcissist does to his victims, whom he slanders to discredit. Adam and Eve did the same thing to God that people do to a narcissist's victim when they believe the lie.

The narcissist's lie is always ironic. For the narcissist is out to smear one of your outstanding GOOD QUALITIES with the semblance of one of his own VICES. So, the allegation is always preposterous. No one who knows you should be fooled by it.

Because it isn't believable. They should know better. But they willfully don't. Because the lie is juicy.


And so, there's nothing like a narc attack to show you who your real friends are.

Abusers Deny or Minimize the Abuse


Not all abusers are dysfunctional. Many of them are pillars of society. Abusers come in all shapes and sizes: successful professionals, or peripatetic con-artists, affluent or poor, young or old, well-educated or dropouts. There is no profile of the "typical abuser".

Yet, abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies, such as personality disorders (Narcissistic, Borderline, Paranoid, or Antisocial are the most common among abusers). Abuse is often associated with alcoholism, drug-use, and other reckless, addictive, or compulsive behaviors.

Denying the Abuse
Abusers deny the abuse or rationalize it. They tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether.

Types of Denial

1.Total outright denial

"It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings"

2. Alloplastic defense

"It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior"

3. Altruistic defense

"I did it for you, in your best interests"



4. Transformative defense

"What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse"

Abusers are concerned with their reputation and image in the community - neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family.

Forms of denial in public

5. Family honor stricture

"We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?"

"My spouse/ partner is a wonderful person."
(supposedly the victimized person who exposes them should be an AWFUL person in comparison. NOTE: Usually this is after the abuser has told the victim for MONTHS how horrible, cold, nasty, etc. their spouse/ partner is!)

6. Family functioning stricture

"If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate"

"You are hurting my/ our -- family/ spouse/ friends by telling"

How to Identify an Abuser
Abusers have alloplastic defenses. They tend to blame every mistake, failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. They do not assume personal responsibility, do not admit to having faults and miscalculations, keep blaming others for their predicament. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.

The abuser is hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted. He rants incessantly, treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and expresses negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled.

Abusers often have a history of battering or violent offenses. They use vile language and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility.

Abusers appear at first to be too eager. They push others to marry him, to conclude a partnership with him having dated or met only once or twice. They immediately embark on detailed and grandiose plans of having children, or making millions, or becoming famous. In a romantic encounter, the abuser casts his date in the role of the love of his life and presses her for exclusivity, instant intimacy, and sex. He acts jealous when she as much as casts a glance at another male and informs her that she should abandon her studies or resign her job and, thus, forgo her autonomy.

Abusers do not respect boundaries and privacy. They ignore other people's wishes, choices, and preferences and are the sole decision makers, not bothering to consult anyone beforehand. They treat their nearest and dearest as objects or instruments of gratification.

Many abusers are compulsive control freaks.

Abusers are patronizing and condescending, overly critical and devaluing. But this behavior alternates with idealization - exaggerating others' talents, traits, power, intellect, wealth, and skills. Abusers, in other words, are unrealistic in their expectations and emotionally labile.

Some abusers are sadists-masochists. They find sadistic sex exciting and have fantasies of rape or pedophilia. They forceful during the sexual act and like inflicting pain or find it amusing. Others "merely" abuse (usually their closest) verbally - curse, demean, call ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticize. Typically, they then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizing profusely and trying to appease their victims by buying them gifts.

Many abusers have a specific body language.

"Haughtiness – Physical posture which implies and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused indifference, etc. Some abusers maintain sustained and piercing eye contact but refrain from physical proximity (observe personal territory). The abuser takes part in social interactions – even mere banter – condescendingly, from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the "observer", or the "lone wolf".

Entitlement markers – The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment". This way, he shifts responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!"). The abuser reacts with rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service providers such as waiters or cab drivers.

Idealization or devaluation – The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner – or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her.

Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a "mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.

The "membership" posture – The abuser always tries to "belong" while also maintaining his stance as an outsider.

Most abusers always prefers show-off to substance. They are shallow, though claim to have talents and skills bordering on genius. They never admit to ignorance or to failure in any field – yet, typically, they are ignorant and losers. The abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence as well as his name dropping and false autobiography are easily debunked. His actual condition is evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims.

Emotion-free language – The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about himself. He is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits – unless and until he is the topic of discussion. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his precious time.

Abusers are divorced from their emotions. The abuser intellectualizes, rationalizes, or speaks about himself in the third person. Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives, fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived "weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves from their own emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.

Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion – No matter how good his sense of humor, the abuser is never self-deprecating. This is the outcome of the abuser's sense of grandiosity, his fantasies and delusions, and his confabulation.

The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than others' – therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse, family obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.

Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately perceived by the abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help and counsel and, thus, imperfect. The abuser is both schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.

Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In other words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or even gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to taunt, to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising "honesty").

While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.

Yet, these – the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the sadism, and the paranoia – do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

Psychological Testing of Offenders
In the court-mandated evaluation phase, first it is established whether the offender suffers from mental health disorders at the root of the abusive conduct. A qualified mental health diagnostician administers lengthy tests and personal interviews.

The predictive power of these tests - often based on literature and scales of traits constructed by scholars - is hotly disputed. Still, they are far preferable to subjective impressions of the diagnostician which are often amenable to manipulation.

The Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory-III (MCMI-III) tests for personality disorders and attendant anxiety and depression. The third edition was formulated in 1996 by Theodore Millon and Roger Davis and includes 175 items. The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) is used to spot narcissistic traits in abusers.

The Borderline Personality Organization Scale (BPO) was designed in 1985. It sorts the responses of respondents into 30 relevant scales. It indicates the existence of identity diffusion, primitive defenses, and deficient reality testing.

To these one may add the Personality Diagnostic Questionnaire-IV, the Coolidge Axis II Inventory, the Personality Assessment Inventory (1992), the excellent, literature-based, Dimensional assessment of Personality Pathology, and the comprehensive Schedule of Nonadaptive and Adaptive Personality and Wisconsin Personality Disorders Inventory.

The next diagnostic aim is to understand the way the abuser functions in relationships, copes with intimacy, and responds with abuse to triggers.

The Relationship Styles Questionnaire (RSQ) (1994) contains 30 self-reported items and identifies distinct attachment styles (secure, fearful, preoccupied, and dismissing). The Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS) (1979) is a standardized scale of the frequency and intensity of conflict resolution tactics - especially abusive stratagems - used by members of a dyad (couple).

The Multidimensional Anger Inventory (MAI) (1986) assesses the frequency of angry responses, their duration, magnitude, mode of expression, hostile outlook, and anger-provoking triggers.

Yet, even a complete battery of tests, administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators.

Dealing With Control Freaks


by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW


Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak



The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.
In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.

Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.

Anatomy of the Abuser



AND A LOOK AT THE ABUSED MAN
While this paper cannot be a definitive guide to the nature of the abuser, the victims relationship with the abuser and societies part in encouraging gender bias, I hope it will add to the pool of knowledge. It is my hope that, at least a small way, this paper will be an aid towards helping us all understand the nature of domestic abuse and those who perpetrate or encourage it.
- George Rolph. London 2004.

The abusers - Actors in disguise.
First and foremost abusers are actors. It makes no difference what gender the abusive personality is, their primary skill is to emulate normal behaviour in order to disguise their own condition.

I have spoken to many victims of abuse who say that the person they met and fell in love with “gradually changed” into a monster. This is often one of the most confusing and distressing aspects of abuse from the victims point of view. It is also a situation that the abuser will exploit with varying degrees of vicious skill. While it is impossible to be specific on these subjects in every case -- as there are always exceptions to every rule -- careful observation and research have uncovered certain general consistencies I want to discuss here. The question is; what is going on in the abusers mind that causes them to suddenly, or gradually, become abusive to their new partner?



It appears that the abusive personality has learned, by observation and by mimicry of those around them, how to give every appearance of normality and stability for often quite extended periods of time. This means that they are able to convince new partners that they are really charming, wonderful people who should be trusted and are worthy of love and care. This act is easy to maintain in certain social situations and where the abuser has minimal contact with others in an average day. For example, in a work situation where he/she will be in contact with others for a maximum of eight hours per day. Another social situation may be one of casual friendships made in pubs and clubs. Under these conditions the actor (abuser) need only be convincing as a normal person for a minimum amount of time. This is why many friends of the abuser find it hard to believe that the person they think they know could be capable of such barbarity within a long term relationship. In the case of female abusers, this difficulty is compounded by social and political myths that see females only as victims and not as perpetrators.

For the abusive actor, maintaining the act of normality within a long term relationship is almost impossible. The intensity of the time spent in the company of the victim means the emotional strain placed on the pretender, by their need to hide their true selves, becomes too difficult to maintain. The act breaks down and the real personality disguised beneath it rushes to the surface. To the victim, the sudden outbursts of aggression from the previously “loving” and “charming” personality they fell in love with, is both mystifying and deeply confusing. The victim, often still in love with the abuser, begins to make excuses for the abusers behaviour. Mentally sweeping it under the carpet and falsely believing that things will get better in time. This is not difficult to understand. Anyone who has fallen in love knows the huge investment of trust, emotional/mental commitment and selflessness it takes make the relationship work. It is natural for the victim to assume that the other person has made the same efforts as they have and this primes them to accept the abusers excuses and rationalisations of their behaviour.

The abusers self-view.
An abusive personality is fundamentally one of self loathing and even self hate. However, this self disgust is too painful for them to accept. Desperate to “fit in” with everyone else they justify the abusive behaviour they cannot avoid and deny the rest. The denial can be very profound and will drive their negative feelings about themselves very deeply within their tortured psyche. Many abusers are deeply frightened and horrified by their violent outbursts but their denial prevents them from dealing with the feelings that cause them. Therefore, when they lose control and abuse another, there often follows what looks like deep and sincere repentance and begging for forgiveness, only to sink back into the same patterns again later on. Given enough time, even these feelings of regret and remorse will become buried and their emotional attitude to their abuse of others will harden into a cold uncaring outlook. For this reason, I believe it is vital that treatment be applied to the abuser while they still own feelings of remorse and regret. Treatment of the abuser will become progressively more difficult over time as the abuser will lack the necessary need and drive to want to reform.

In order to avoid owning up to what they feel the abuser will project their self hatred onto their victims. Where this occurs it sets up the classic abuser/victim relationship. I will expand upon this relationship later in this document, but for now I wish to return to the abusers view of themselves and its consequences in their lives.

We have seen how the abusive personality often feels about themselves but why does this self hatred come about? There may be myriad's of reasons but there are some common threads that I have noticed in my studies, my experiences of abuse and my observations of abusers. Many of those who become abusers report that they have grown up in abusive homes themselves or, have experienced abuse later on in their lives. When probed about how these experiences have affected them, almost all report feelings of anger and even intense rage that they themselves are frightened by.

To a child growing up in an abusive home, even though the behaviour they are witnessing and experiencing from others deeply disturbs them, they consider it to be “normal.” Its all they know, so for them, this is what normal family life is all about. However, the deep fears and anger raised in them by their abusers have little or no avenue of expression within the home. To become angry, or even show dissatisfaction with their treatment, may very well lead to an escalation of the abuse against them. This fear of retaliation drives the feelings they naturally have about their abusers deep within themselves. The only way to cope with the feelings of fear and anger is to deny and bury them or take them outside of the home in anti social behaviour. *

When the abused child becomes an adult, if they have not dealt with these feelings of rage buried deep within themselves, they are almost certain to resurface within their adult relationships.

Adults have a tendency to recreate what they considered normal in their early life at home, within their own adult relationships. If they grew up in a chaotic and fear filled environment it is natural for them to feel at home within that kind of family dynamic. Subconsciously they may well be building relationships they feel are well known to them and no matter how painful those relationships are, they feel “normal.”

Some abusers are simply psychopaths. They enjoy the feelings of power they have over the victim and may well go on to kill them if early intervention is not forthcoming.

Other abusers simply come to hate their partners over time and instead of leaving the relationship, set out to destroy the other person (and sometimes other people) within it.

All abusers enjoy the feelings of power they have over their victims at some level, but not all abusers are psychopaths. Abusers are often deeply selfish individuals who live in a “me me” world where only their own feelings, needs and desires are important. When the abuser expresses love for the victim it is often not because they feel that love, it is often because they want something from the victim that threats will not get them. My own abuser, for example, would become tender, gentle and kind whenever she wanted me to help her with something she could not manage alone. Afterwards, my efforts to help her would be ridiculed as inadequate.

Some abusers will abuse others by proxy and this seems to be a predominantly female trait. I have received calls to my help line from men who have been beaten up by other men when their abusive female partner has told another man that her victim had expressed a desire to sleep with the attackers infant child, for example. Other forms of this abuse include making false allegations to family members or the state authorities in order to have someone else attack or arrest the victim.

Another form of abuse by proxy is to withhold contact unreasonably from a parent with his/her child. In such a case, the abuser is using the state apparatus to continue abuse after the relationship has ended. This constitutes abuse of the child concerned and the adult denied contact. I also consider false rape allegations that can utterly destroy a persons life to be abusive behaviour that is all too often unpunished by the state.

For those who have experienced abuse in later life but who had relatively happy childhood's there may well be a subconscious element of revenge in their subsequent abusive behaviour. In the case of the female abuser this may be hugely reinforced by articles in women's magazines that portray men as nothing but bad, soap opera stories, dramas, movies, press stories about female abuse victims, and the constant and relentless pressures on women by radical feminist groups to see all men as dangerous and who paint men as predatory violent animals and women as poor victims being preyed upon. Even advertising on the television that portrays men as useless and stupid may reinforce her hatred of males and feed her feelings of the need to take revenge against all men for what one man has done to her.

Such thoughts and feelings are covered by the umbrella term, Misandry. A misandrist is a hater of men. There are many more of these people around than is popularly believed. Many of them are writing the things referred to above or are part of the organisations promoting hatred of men in our society.

Such a scenario is also possible in the case of a male abuser who resents being typecast in these ways by “evil women” and sets out to justify his violent behaviour by seeing himself as some kind of avenging angel. His thoughts and feelings of hatred and resentment towards women are embraced by the term, Misogynist. It is well known there are many of these men around, however, criticising female behaviour is not the same as hating females. An important distinction needs to be made between the two for any rational debate on these issues to succeed. **

* It is interesting to note that over 90% of males in prison come from broken homes, yet societies in the western world actively promote single motherhood as a virtue while discouraging marriage. That this is creating a huge problem for the future and singularly lacking any kind of wisdom should be obvious to all.

** A common defensive ploy of radical feminists is to paint any and all criticism of females as hatred of them and, by so doing, pressure people (chiefly men) into regarding a counter argument as misogynistic in origin and therefore worthy of being ignored.


The victim's relationship with the abuser.
The victim and the abuser have a complicated relationship that is difficult, at times, to define in simple terms. I will do my best here to look at the most common traits of that relationship as I have understood them.

Initially, as stated above, the victim will often have no idea their partner is abusive. (Those who do, and remain in the relationship, may well be attempting to “help” the abuser and this is a very dangerous thing for those with little or no knowledge of abusive personalities to attempt. It is difficult enough for a professional to help an abuser, it is certainly not something an amateur should attempt). As the ability to maintain the act of normality under the constant scrutiny of a close partner breaks down, so the real and disturbed person beneath the act will emerge. The first signs that all is not well may be anything from a slow escalation of irritable behaviour to a sudden explosion of violence.


It is important here to make another careful distinction. Not every act of irritable behaviour or sudden aggression means a person is automatically an abuser. All of us get out of bed on the wrong side sometimes. The key indicator is the frequency with which the behaviour occurs.

The most common indicator that one is living with an abuser will be that individuals need to control everything about the victim. This need to control will become all consuming over time and is common to both male and female abusers. * This need to control others seems to stem from two strong desires within the abusive personality. The first, is a desire to remain hidden and the second, is a desire not to feel inferior. In order to understand these two desires it is important to realise that abusers are deeply fearful people who are terrified of the strong and overwhelmingly powerful feelings raging within them. It is this fear that drives their need to bury those feeling as deeply within as possible and then to deny them when they rush to the surface.

Let us look first at the desire to remain hidden.
Within a close personal relationship it is perfectly natural for both parties to closely examine each others personalities and to explore each others feelings. This examination is what the abuser fears most. To the abuser, such a close look at who they are becomes deeply threatening. They spend their wholes lives hiding their true selves both from themselves and from society. They loathe themselves and often fear their capability for violence. They cannot bare coming under scrutiny and this innocent searching by their partner can often be the trigger for their abusive reactions as they try to halt the exploration of their deeper and hidden selves by using intimidation and/or violence. Yet their need to appear normal drives them to seek out a partner and have a “normal” relationship. **

The desire not to be inferior stems from a different set of unconscious dynamics.

We all remember the bright kid in school who was always picked on for being “the teachers pet.” That child stood out in the crowd and by virtue of the fact the he/she was smarter than the rest, made the rest feel inferior. By picking on the bright kid the others were trying to pull that child down to their level in order for them to lose their sense of inferiority. Unmerciful and constant teasing and/or bullying can force the bright child to conform to the wishes of the rest, and those bright kids who join the pack, quickly find the persecution stops. In a similar way, the abuser tries to drag their partner down to their level. This can be achieved by constant bullying and by a technique I have dubbed, verbal machine gunning.

To machine gun verbally means to fire a constant and rapid stream of accusations and insults without ever giving the victim time to answer any of the points made. These insults will often be projections of how the abuser really feels about themselves. For example; if the abuser feels strong feelings of jealousy towards the victims friends and associates, then the abuser accuses the victim of being jealous of him or her. Again, the abuser may feel inadequate in the kitchen, or driving, and so accuses the victim of being a crap cook or a lousy driver. Whatever the accusations are, they will often be delivered at high volume and in such rapid succession that the victim will be both terrified, confused, outraged and hurt, and with so much going on at once within them, feel totally unable to respond. A sort of mental and emotional paralysis ensues that may eventually lead to the complete collapse of the victim. At this stage the abuser is almost drunk on the feelings of power over the victim and if violence is to occur it may happen at that moment of evil euphoria. Victims have told me that they have seen the abuser “smiling down” at them with sick delight as they have folded beneath such onslaughts.

The reasons why the abuser does not want to give the victim time to answer are twofold. Firstly the abuser has absolutely no interest in the thoughts, concerns or feelings of the victim and secondly, the abuser is not interested in dialogue, but only in control over the victim. In the abusers world view, life is all about the great “ME” and not the little “you.”

The extent of control over the victim can sometimes be very far reaching indeed. I have spoken to many male and female victims who's abusive partners have chosen what food they eat and when. What clothes they wear and when. What times they are allowed out of the house and when to come home. Who they are allowed to be friends with and who they must never see. What time they are allowed to sleep and when they must wake up. When they can see their children and when they cannot. What relatives they can visit and those they cannot. What music they can enjoy. What purchases they can make. How much of their own money they can spend. And on and on.

Abusers who fear a partner may be about to leave them will often run up huge debts for their partner. Some will slander their name in the local community in the hope of stopping anyone else being interested in them. Poison the victim. Send abusive text messages to their phones. Stalk the victim or damage the car to prevent them leaving. Keep the victim from his/her children. Threaten suicide. Accuse the victim of rape or sexually molesting children. Make threatening or silent calls late at night. Destroy his/her property. Keep him/her at home against his/her will. Increase the level of violence. Threaten to kill the kids if she/he leaves. Try to ruin his/her reputation by spreading lies about him/her to his/her family and friends. Threaten suicide. Turn the children against the victim. Find and attack him/her in her new home etc.

All of this behaviour is about control and dominance over the victim. All of it is negative and destructive behaviour. It is unlimited in its creative evil and the two lists above are by no means extensive and neither are they mutually exclusive. Each gender is as capable of these things as the other.

* Indeed, so prevalent is this trait that careful and informed questioning by police officers called to a domestic abuse incident may well quickly illicit who is the real abuser and who is the real victim. Something that many police officers need to understand if they are to ever stop making the wild assumption that all abusers are male and all females are victims.

** This may be why many abuse victims are kind, gentle, loyal and deeply loving people. Most abusers will not seek confrontation with people who may fight back. They want easy targets that they can dominate. For the male and female abuser that will often mean a passive personality type is sought as the next victim.

“Treatment” for victims of abuse to avoid.

The co-dependancy (co-alcoholic) idea was first developed to explain other family members reactions to living with an addict and the harmful effects of those reactions. It is an entirely reasonable idea based on sound research. However, during the 1980`s the definition of codependency was expanded beyond all reasonable bounds, by people looking to make quick money by selling cheap books, to include virtually any form of caring for another. Simply put, this means that any and all caring behaviour is a form of psychological illness unless the person being cared for is the self. It could almost have been written by today's narcissistic element who advocate blaming others for the way we feel while accepting no responsibility for our own actions.


The pushers of the modern codependency therapy system of mock psychology will tell you that as a victim of abuse your feelings of caring for the abuser are wrong. (In fact, they will tell you that almost everything you feel about other people is wrong), but caring for others is not a pathological condition. My advice is to avoid these peddlers of doom like the plague. Being a caring person is not wrong but, excessive selfishness is, and in fact, is one of the symptoms of the abuser.

Robert Westermeyer, Ph.D. Has the following to say about the current codependency “fix all” sweeping book shops and chat shows on both sides of the Atlantic.

“Why would a psychologist wish to criticize the codependency idea? Many people claim to have been helped by codependency books and codependency self-help groups. I don't wish to take away anyone's belief that they are better for having integrated the codependency idea into their lifestyles. But it definitely isn't for everyone. Codependency is a nebulous idea, born not of science but of the gut feelings of counsellors and frustrated lay people. It's black and white requirements for recovery, though seeming reasonable on the surface, are not in line with empirical research and have dangerous implications with regard to the most human of attributes, caring. My two primary concerns with the codependency idea are:

The Codependency Idea Pathologizes the Natural Tendency to Care for Others.

The cure for Codependency Mandates Action which is Not Necessarily in Line With Pro social Values.” (Emphasis mine)

He goes on: “A case from several years ago comes to mind involving a caring mother who's 27-year old daughter had been abusing prescription opioids and benzodiazapines for ten years. The daughter finally made the decision attempt a methadone detox, following two months of methadone maintenance. The MD at the methadone clinic recommended that she taper the benzodiazapine, which was Valium (methadone doesn't cover non-opiate drugs). The mother was very invested in her daughter's change efforts and subsequently flew in from out of state to live with her while she detoxed. She agreed to dole out the Valium because the daughter felt that she could not do it on her own without relapsing. The mother hid them in her car and stood watch over her daughter during the first three weeks of her transition. The patient voiced that her mother's presence was imperative for relapse prevention at this time. The mother voiced that it made her feel as though she was finally doing something to help daughter which was panning out. She felt so good about her efforts that she went to an Al-anon meeting. She was literally attacked by three attendees who deemed her behavior enabling and, in addition to deeming her responsible for her daughter's enduring problems with substances, instructed her to go back to her home immediately and let her daughter grapple with her troubles on her own. One said, "She's an adult, and a time comes when you have to let them leave the nest or you're just perpetuating the illness."


Thankfully, this woman had enough conviction and confidence in her values to blow off the advice. Many people don't have this much tenacity to their standards. Many are given such guidance and are left in a complete quandary. The mother's contention was that her daughter was completely responsible for her choice to use or not use. She recognized that her daughter had crippling problems with anxiety and panic and had used the drugs to medicate these states. Though her daughter made the choices, she felt that there was a way she could help her daughter follow through with her motivation to better her life. She knew that if she went back home, her daughter would relapse and that relapse at this point would be devastating to her daughter, who had tried just about every method of quitting imaginable. She fathomed that her daughter might discount the whole methadone choice and revert to prescription drug abuse again.”

With attacks like those above on a mothers need to be involved in her daughters recovery from drug addition, it makes one wonder at times if the psychopaths are running the asylum!

It is a pervasive and disturbing view that relies more on “feelings” than serious research and it is to the medical and political establishments shame that these views have found any credence at all within today's society because they have kept silent in the face of such popularist, false and dangerous ideas.

Instead of buying into these “instant happiness” so-called solutions to modern living learn about assertiveness and ways in which you can better manage the situation you find yourself in.

The best advice that can be given to a victim of abuse is still, get out of the relationship as fast as you can!

Nobody in their right mind likes to see themselves as a victim but the truth is, that until you have broken free from the relationship and overcome the effects of the abuse, a victim is what you are. Once you have overcome the effects of the abuse -- and with the right help, that is almost always possible -- you become a survivor. The ease of transition from victim to survivor will depend entirely upon yourself, the quality of the help you receive if any is needed and the extent to which you were abused. If you wish to cut down on the time needed to recover and be your old self again, leave the abuser as soon as you possibly can.

George Rolph
Founder of No More Silence.
Contact: grolph@no-more-silence.org

Abuser's Behavior

Watch out for these behaviors in your partner. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs that this person may be an abuser. Note that the abuser can be male or female.

Jealous of time or resources you give others.

Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.

Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.

Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.

Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.

Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.

Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.

Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.

Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.


Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.

States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.

Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.

Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.

Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.

Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.

Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.

Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.

Won't go outside to smoke

Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.

Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.

Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.

Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.

Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.

Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.

Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.

Insists that their way is the "right way".

Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.

Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.

Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.

Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.

Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.

Considers your friends to be idiots.

Extremely opinionated and critical of others

Racist or sexist.

Dogmatic about behavior in others.

Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.

Has double standards for behavior.

Is rude to your family.

Dislikes your family.

Has "trouble" at work.

Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.

Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.

Believes that their boss treats them poorly.

Believes that their co-workers are working against them.

Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.

Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.

Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.

Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".

Is scornful of the government or the "system".

Uses illegal drugs.

Is very concerned about their public image.

Treats you better in public than in private.

Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.

Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.

Attempts to make you jealous or insecure

Threatens to leave you.

Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.

Compares you to previous lovers.

Admires strangers and compares you to them.

Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.

Is jealous and suspicious.

Accuses you of infidelity.

Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.

States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.

Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.

Rushes the relationship

Pressures you to move in together.

Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.

Proposes marriage early in the relationship.

Does not respect your privacy

Reads your diary or journal.

Opens your mail.

Goes through your drawers and desk.

Manipulates others to achieve their goals

Uses guilt trips.

Does things that are dishonest or illegal.

Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.

Lectures you endlessly until you agree.

Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.

Engages in "Road Rage".

Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.

Impatient

Is intolerant of children or animals.

Will not get up to feed or change the baby.

Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.

Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).

Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.

Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.

Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.

Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.

Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.

Lack of empathy

Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.

Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.

Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.

Cruel to animals.

Considers donations to charity a waste.

Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.

Turns up TV when you have a headache

Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach

Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.

Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.

Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.

Questions your ability to do simple things.

Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.

Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.

Calls you names.

Criticizes you openly.

Interferes with or attempts to control your career.

Pressures you to quit or change your job.

Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.

Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.

Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.

Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.

Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.

Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving

Strands you somewhere.

Gives you the "silent treatment".

Yells at you.

Lectures you.

Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.

Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.

Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.

SELF LIMITING ELEPHANTS

Elephants born in captivity are restrained by a chain that attaches one leg to a metal spike driven

into the ground. This prevents them from roaming. They become accustomed to the fact that, as

long as the chain and spike are next to them, they are unable to move.

As they grow older, their minds become programmed. When they see the spike and chain, they

"believe" and accept that they will not be able to move. They become so conditioned that when

their owners place a small rope and wooden peg next to them, they make no efforts to step away

from it, because they "believe" they are unable to.

In truth, their actual power as adults is so great that they could easily pull up a chain and spike of

any size. Their programming or "belief," however, allows this tiny rope and wooden peg to limit

their movement.

We are all very much like these elephants. We allow the weaknesses, fears and rejection we

experienced as children to program us into a life in which we lack power, peace, love and

happiness. We become controlled by false childhood assumptions we have made about our ability,

strength and self worth.

We can move away from these "pegs" of self-limitation, but we must chose to do so.

Living with a psychopath is like walking around in fog that NEVER clears, you can't find your way out of it, and you cannot understand why it's there. You may notice that when living apart from the psychopath for even a day the fog clears and you find you can breathe easier and think more clearly and in a more rational way.

Some survivors have stated that during their time of misery in the psychopaths grasp they displayed rashes all over their bodies, or developed OCD disorders. A lot of survivors have also noted that once the psycopath left so did their disorders.

I went through months of experiencing a rash, hives and itching all over my body that even the doctor could not understand. He attributed it to stress but I had no idea that the stress was caused by living with a Toxic Pyschopath

The Mask Of A Sociopath.

All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.

This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.

And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.

And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when…after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone…I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.

From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have…and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.

Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.

I equate the mask with a coin…beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.

I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful…seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.

After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).

They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you…that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.

It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone…within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again…unless there is something very specific they want from you.

And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.

It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human”…I prefer to think of them as aliens).

No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.

Shock Tactics Of The Pathological.



Please bear in mind that not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.



Psychopaths/Naricissists all use "shock tactics" , why? because they work! that's why, it enables the psychopath to get what he wants from his victim(s)


They shock you by reacting to a situation in a way that spins your head ,for example: like seeing an apple fall up a tree would or going to shake the hand of someone and they bend down to tie their shoelace at that precise moment you have reached out your hand.

This is to disarm and confuse you pretty much in the way a robber would hit his target on the head before he robs them of their property.


You are for all intents and purposes, intellectually incapacitated, perplexed. the you try and figure out what's "just happened" you are disarmed, because you don't know what is going on. Your mouth hits your chin and you think there must be some sort of misunderstanding, a mistake. So you try to make heads or tails of it and try to smooth it over.


The next thing you know , you have been run over by a speeding freight train. This is called a "Shock Tactic"

Shock tactics prove that seeing isn't always believing, because afterwards you wonder if you imagined it, or think you span must have missed something.


The psychopaths behaviour was so bizarre that you cannot believe it happened especially when he seems to normal a few minutes after the incident.

Denial - that is the typical reaction. to act like it didn't happen. That's what normal people do when they can't get their minds around something. In this case, it's a big mistake, because that is exactly what the psychopath/narcissist wants.

Then it never happened, you see. His crazy behaviour never happened. Really. He never abused you. Really.

Never forget for a moment, that the narcissist "isn't all there": he lives in the Looking Glass, the Land of Pretend, where acting makes it so. Truth has no relevance in that world. It doesn't even exist. The next day he acts like it didn't happen. That's his way of saying, "let's pretend it didn't happen" When you play along and act like it didn't happen, it didn't happen & thus the narcissists slate is clean, and he's not a crackpot.


So it's no wonder that narcissists like shock tactics when they discover how well they work at getting people into denial and Acting Like It Didn't Happen


This is especially true when they hear idiots commenting "Look, today he's acting like nothing happened. Well, okay, he has a terrible temper, but he's basically a good person, because see? he doesn't carry a grudge" the narcissist thinks "Give that idiot an award!"







The Three Elements To A Narcissists Shock Tactics

* Perversity

* Extremism

* Surprise

Perversity in the strictest sense of the word, is , "throughly twisted" In other words, perverse behaviour is not just odd, aberrant , or off course: It is backwards or upside down, the antithesis of what would be appropriate.




A perverted reaction to something shocks us, it is the opposite of what we expected. It also disarms us, because, in our interactions with others, we act with a view to the reaction we can expect in return. For example, you don't tell someone you love them to make them mad at you. If this is the first time you have told that person you love them, you might not know what to expect, but anger isn't one of the possibilities you have in mind. So, when the narcissist reacts with anger, you are stunned!




Usually we do know what to expect , and when we are wrong, there is normally some logical reason for it. for example: Sometimes we get an unexpected reaction because we didn't see the action from the reactor's point of view.




Yet certain behaviours are so universal that we know what to expect even from a stranger with a different language and culture. Or even from an animal. For example: showing love evokes affection. Doing a favour evokes gratitude, appeasement evokes peace.


Eg:

When you try to bring peace to a situation by appeasing the narcissist, he will spit back in your face and rage at you

When you show love to the narcissist , he will push you away

When you do a favour for the narcissist he will not acknowledge it .

The narcissist reacts with hatred , resentment and aggression instead of reacting in what should evoke: affection, gratitude, and peace.



He is vicious, violent (physically or verbally) he is like a child who cannot restrain his own behaviour. The only reign on it is what he thinks he can get away with. So , behind closed doors with his family or a lone employee, he goes over the top in wanton meanness. It makes him feel as unbounded as God.


Lastly, "the element of surprise". His temper flares in a fraction of a second and unexpectedly, for some anti-reason.


The narcissists shock tactics are a device, that's all. This type of reaction is called "An Insult". An insulting reaction for example: You throw water on a fire to put it out...only to have it flare up into a raging fire that vaporizes the water.


In other words, an insult is a blow back reaction, one that flies in the face of the stimulus. A narcissists perverted reactions to things are insults, and they do insult you, they work!. For example: you try to appease him when he gets mad about something, instead of cooling off he does the opposite and flies into a rage over what you just said and attacks you all more vehemently.



The narcissist cannot help but discover at an early age that normal people are taken aback by such absurd behaviour.



Why do narcissists do this? there is only one reason: he wasn't angered by anything in the first place. That is, his anger wasn't a defensive reaction to anything you did. If it were, he would cool off when you try to appease him, because his purpose is achieved. He takes your attempt to appease as a sign of weakness and revs up his engines, getting much madder. His objective is to run you over.



Narcissists are amoral, so since shock tactics get them what they want, they use them. That's really all there is to it. Nothing deep, smart or fascinating about it. Even a dog learns to growl and act ornery if it gets what it wants that way.


The moment you deviate from the narcissists script, he snarls like a dog, in other words: the moment you start acting like his equal or as though you deserve anything. His sudden surliness at such moments is just his way of saying "don't go there." as if he were herding stray cattle back in the right direction. Play along, say or do nothing that contradicts his lies and delusions. it's hard enough to believe them, and you are hurting him if you are not helping him believe them.


Let's say the narcissist has gone off about something. You try to smooth it over by saying, "Oh , come on. Let's not fight. I didn't mean anything by that, really. i'd never want to hurt you"


He gets madder and madder yet.


Why? because that isn't what he wants you to do. You still are not playing along with his script in Pretend. You didn't admit any wrongdoing. What you said to appease him doesn't appease him because it doesn't reflect on him as grand and on you as a guilty , despicable thing.


The narcissist is a mental three-year-old who knows only one trick: "Throw a temper tantrum whenever people aren't doing what you want them to do, and keep throwing it until they get it right"

People are perplexed by off-the-wall reactions to things, they cannot imagine why anyone would do that. Even seeing it happen doesn't quite make them believe it because it's too crazy to really have happened so we go into denial about it.

Normal people would never degrade themselves by behaving in this childish manner, they don't realize that the narcissist is different - a being with a towering ego and zero self respect , who therefore is not above behaving childish, irrationally, or insanely on purpose..... just to get his way with you.

Because he never has to know he's doing that. He can forever not know he's doing that. That's what his Magical Thinking Machine is for.....Playing Pretend.

Scuze dar in descrierea aia e 99.99% din populatia planetei: soti, soate, amanti ,soacre, etc etc.

Who Am I?










I am your neighbour , your brother, your sister, your father, your mother and child. I am your therapist, your architect, your school teacher and friend. I am your husband, your lover, a student & politician. I am your banking advisor, your accountant, and little league coach, your doctor, your dentist, your preacher.


I come from all walks of life and manipulation is my game. I am the master of mind games and like any champion I know and study my opponents well.


I am good looking , successful and charming. I disregard all consequences of my actions, I live on the edge and deny myself nothing.


Magnetic, electrifying, convincing and powerful. When I walk into a room all eyes gravitate to me.


I can sweep you off your feet, wine and dine you and promise you the earth even though I will never deliver, this is the bait, the hook with which to reel you in, they are but empty promises.


I am shallow and callous, cruel and hostile, with a deep seated rage everything and everyone around me are potential targets and opportunities.


I am oblivious and indifferent to the devastation I cause. My ultimate goal is the creation of the next willing victim. I am toxic, a disease, a plague on your life that will sweep through like a violent hurricane destroying all that lay at your feet.


I demand obedience, belief in my greatness and complete subjugation to all my whims , needs and attention.


I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, no matter what I will have my own way. I take what I want when I want it.


I am hostile and domineering, I humiliate my victims, they are an instrument to be used and abused. Objects I can move and position to my satisfaction.


I have no morals, no values, no responsibilities. I am here to be pleased not to please.


I am unmoved and cold by tales of grief, I am neither genuine nor sincere but I can cry and feign emotion as good as any great actor in Hollywood but at the core is only my hate, rage and jealousy.


I cannot relate to anothers pain and suffering, but I can dish it out. I let nothing stand in my way, no challenge is too great for me. In my book the end always justifies the means.


I strategically plan how to break you down, and use anything I can against you. If something is important to you I will deprive you of it, I will make you jump through hoops to get it. I will dangle the prize in front of you and make you run for it.


Anything I might do for you comes at a price, my attention is costly and is a debt that has to be paid to me in full. You must be grateful and eternally obedient. I will never inform you that your debts won't ever be satisfied. I collect back the high interest you owe me.


The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you are waiting & hoping for won't ever be there.


When I inflict pain on you, I enjoy it , it is the ultimate fix, the ultimate drug induced high to see you suffer and know that I have that power and control over you. This is my sick addiction.


I can play the with-holding game , the forgetting game , the martyr game , the lying game , the devaluation game, the deflecting and projecting game. I can do them all, there are no limits to the games I can play and I will always come out the winner.


I am covert, overt, obsessive and shallow. I am the puppet master to your strings, when I pull you must dance. I am sadistic, jealous and cruel. I am secretive, private and sly. I am passive and aggressive, I am boastful and proud.


I am a parasite, a criminal, unreliable, a con. . I am egotistical , glib and superficial. I am Jekyll and Hyde all rolled into one.


You will degrade yourself for me, you will slim down or fatten up, grow your hair long or cut if off, you will wear the clothes I choose. You are to be pruned, clipped and designed, like any great artist I will only be seen with the best.


My fist is designed to teach you. If you didn't do something to my standards or you ignored my requests you will be punished until you get it right. I am unforgiving, a miser and a brute.


When you cry I laugh, when you're sad I rage, when you're happy I am angry, and when you're beaten down with no self esteem , no hope and no way out I am happy, satisfied & content , I am God in these moments.


I can sniff the vulnerable a mile away. I will devour you and suck the life force from you in a matter of moments. I seek out the vulnerable, weak, the broken and the destitute.


I am your knight in shining armour, I showed you pity and gave you attention when life was unbearable, I saved you from your miserable existence, I will always be owed and never owing.


You will ALWAYS need me, you will never survive without me, I am your rock, your protector , your punisher and your lover. I will tell you whatever you want to hear, as long as you carry on doing what I want.


You are a purchase, an object, a product, a toy.


If you dare achieve anything of merit I will take the credit away from you and punish you severely, I will mock you, put you down and rage at you until you understand that I am the only one who deserves such praise, award and adulation.


When you are focusing on yourself you are not focusing on me , and this makes me angry. I am not on top of the pedestal where I belong.



Any friends you have I will order you drop, any attention spent on friends and family is attention that could be spent on me. If you do not comply I will write and speak lies about you to them, I will turn them against you and isolate you until you comply with my wishes.



All eyes should be on me at all times, when they are not I will turn on you in an instant like a rabid dog and rip your ideas, thoughts and opinions apart.



I cannot change, I cannot reform, I cannot feel pity or remorse. I have no conscience , No empathy, not even a morsel of compassion for you. I am completely amoral. I am contradictory and my hypocrisy knows no bounds.



I am a hypocrite, what I say and what I do are two very different things. You must learn I am always right. I know how to do everything better. I know the answer to all of the world's biggest problems.


My public image is everything to me, how I am perceived by others is extremely important. I am admirable, gentle, kind, loving, humble and successful.


I twist the facts to suit myself, I rewrite history where I see fit and you must believe it at all costs. I embellish, Omit and dramatise everything to suit my needs.


I refuse to listen , if anyone did anything wrong it was you and not me. I am always the victim and never the abuser.



I am a great big projection machine and I will deflect and project any evil or bad behaviour back onto you, because you see , You are the problem not me.



You will seek my approval in everything 24 hours a day , 7 days a week. You have no personal identity, you are what I make you. You are to back down and keep quiet and doubt yourself daily. You will hold the belief that you have to try harder to please me. Any opinions you hold will have to match mine. I will accept nothing less.


I am unable and unwilling to behave any differently. I am judgmental, slanderous , fickle and critical. I am haughty, arrogant and envious. I am seductive , repulsive , an addict.


I covet success, power, brilliance and beauty. What I haven't already acquired I will take from others. If I want it, it's mine.


I am special, unique and above punishment, reform or repentance. I cannot and will not be judged.


If you do not produce and live up to my expectations I shall bore of you , I will dispose of you in any way that is of greatest benefit & pleasure to me. I care not if you cannot produce due to my punishments or if you are too old to comply, sick or infirm, all that matters to me is replacing you with a newer , more co-operative model that will meet my needs.


You cannot escape me , I will be the thorn in your side, the pebble in your shoe. I will forever consider you to be the person who failed me, who abandoned my needs. Even years after I leave you I will still watch you, harass you, tell lies about you and name and shame you. You are my unfinished business that I intend to collect upon.


I am a leader, a preacher, a schoolteacher, a scientist, an actor, a doctor, a nurse, a salesman and your mayor. I am everywhere in society, I am in your church, in your schools, and in your home.


I am the alpha and omega. Everything begins and ends with me


I may look human, I have all the characteristics of one, My skin , hair, blood and all that defines me as a human is just a disguise. It is a mask of sanity.


So who am I?

come closer and I'll tell you.


I am the wolf in sheep's clothing and you my dear are the prey.

Why The Narcissist Hates You for Achieving Success


When or if you achieve some level of success in life, whether as big as a prestigious award or as small as a compliment , the narcissist is going to hate you for it. You can bet your money on that one. Obviously, success draws its share of admiration, but it's guaranteed to rouse some hate as well. So why does the narcissist hate you when are successful? I think there are four basic reasons.

The first and most obvious reason is that they are jealous. The narcissist in particular can't stand anyone else's prosperity. They are naturally resentful of it. They always believe/wish/ it was them instead of you, he feels more entitled to it than you. Funny thing, though, they never wish for any of your hardships, losses, disappointments, pain, illnesses, or anything of the like. And they conveniently ignore all the hard work that paved the way for your success. They just focus on the fact that you acquired something good that they didn't, think you didn't deserve – and they don't like it.


The second reason is that your success often makes them look bad. It might increase the standards for which they will be judged in the future. They are satisfied with the status quo and you are ruining things for them. You are rocking the boat. You are upsetting the applecart. Because of you, they might be forced out their comfort zone. They may actually be challenged to improve themselves. Their life of ease my soon be shaken up. That's not what they want. They always want to be number 1, the most important.


The third reason is that they might not think you are deserving of success, for whatever reason. They may feel that success came too easy for you and that, because of your natural ability, you didn't have to work as hard as they would have to, in order to gain comparable achievements. They may think you are not credentialed enough for the success you have achieved. For example, some people will automatically dismiss your accomplishments because you don't have what they feel is the right amount of education or experience. They may think you are not good enough, pedigreed enough, or from the right kind of family or background. They have a mental image of what a successful person should be or look like – and you're not it.. but guess what? they believe they are!

The fourth and final reason is familiarity. They say it breeds contempt, and this is especially true for someone who has achieved a certain level of success. The Bible says (and I'm paraphrasing now) that successful people can find respect anywhere except within their own family or hometown. There they often find nothing but resentment. For example, people might say something like, "Isn't this the same old Jim I grew up with, went to school with, and partied with – who does he think he is now?" For some reason, they have an image of you (pre-success) burned into their psyche and they just can't remove it. They apparently see your success as a form of betrayal – a betrayal of the person you used to be or still are in their mind. Go figure!


Narcissists feel the same way about YOU! if someone compliments you on your style, work, children, life, looks or personality the narcissist is immediately jealous and later on you might find this is his reason for raging at you or putting you down with nasty remarks (Out of earshot of any witnesses of course)

The narcissist wants the spot light, he craves the favourable attention and doesn't want to share it with someone he looks down on / a lesser pedigree... turns out that is you (in his eyes of course)

He will say and do everything possible to diminish his victim, the abuser seeks to feel superior to, and in control of, his mate, with the motivation that she becomes so downtrodden and powerless she would not be able to leave him - or override him in the success stakes, all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that his behavior may, over time, produce the opposite effect."

To the pathological personality it isn't just about how successful you are! it's about power and control! he wants you to go back to being the insignificant being you were before, the needy desperate being who believed all his lies and BS stories. Once you start to lead your own life, and start down the path of success, the narcissist feels the stab of a psychological injury to his ego/ the self.

When you become successful (and "successful" can be anything, such as a compliment, certification or small award) he will retaliate by:

* Sulking
* Refusing to talk
* Withdrawing affection
* Strutting and posturing
* Stomping out
* Walking away

* Denial of anger and abuse: The abuser will deny the partner's reality and the abuser's fault.

* Trivializing: The abuser acts as though the partner's opinions, thoughts, actions, or concerns are trivial or don't count.

* Judging and criticizing: The abuser puts down the partner's thoughts, feelings, or actions.

* Blocking and diverting: The abuser purposefully creates barriers to the partner's efforts to communicate and will change the conversation to gain control.

* Name calling: The abuser tries to strip away the partner's dignity and identity and replaces it with a foul name.

* Chronic forgetting: The abuser regularly "forgets" or is regularly late for appointments, agreements, incidents and other important events to the partner.

He will try to sabotage your every move, crushing you under his boot heel , only to put himself back above you in the success stakes. Like a 6 year old throwing a tantrum such is the life with a narcissist....day in ....day out...
And remember it isn't about you, it's all about HIM!

Types Of Emotional Abuse.


What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.






Types of Emotional Abuse



Abusive Expectations

* The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
* It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
* But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
* You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.





Aggressing

* Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.

* Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.





Constant Chaos

* The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.

* The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.





Denying

* Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)

* The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.

* The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.

* Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

* When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.

* Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

* Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.





Dominating

* Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
* When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.






Emotional Blackmail

* The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
* This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.





Invalidation

* The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation






Minimizing

* Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.

* Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.





Unpredictable Responses

* Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

* This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

* An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.




Verbal Assaults

* Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
* Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
* Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.



Understanding Abusive Relationships


No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feeling and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even conformable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abuser are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, specially those with family members and other significant people, is a fist step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an "abuser" in some instances and as a "recipient" in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to "help" others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.

Obsessive Ex Syndrome








There are some people who are unable to mentally "let go" of a partner after a break-up. At first it just seems like a difficult breakup. They keep calling, keep visiting, keep arguing and trying to reconcile.

Then they're following, stalking or threatening their ex-partner.

Then vandalizing belongings, or escalating to personal violence, or killing the partner's pets.

Left unaddressed, in extreme cases the syndrome may progress to the point that the ex kidnaps or kills their children, resorts to murder, or commits suicide.

It is important to recognize this syndrome in its early stages and take preventive steps. The longer the obsession persists without interruption or intervention, the more the obsessor will lose contact with reality.


Six Stages Of Obsessive Ex Syndrome

Not all stages occur in all cases -- however, when looking back, some stages may become apparent in retrospect:




Stage 1 - Courtship

The Obsessive male has identified that a certain woman makes him feel important and powerful. He lays on all the charm he possibly can to show how wonderful he is. On a subliminal level he tests how much control he can begin to effect over her life and activities. If he finds that she can be manipulated, she becomes even more attractive to him as a potential partner.





Stage 2 - Relationship

The Obsessive male establishes his mate as a main symbol of his view of himself as the center of the world. He establishes control over her life and activities, or battles with her for control over these things. He uses any ploy to maintain control of their world; he may use deceit, money, intimidation, violence.





Stage 3 - Break-Up

The Obsessive Ex will not accept that his partner has decided the relationship is over. In his view, that is not her decision to make. He argues with her incessantly. He employs any means possible to re-establish his control over her.

If there is a child involved, the child becomes (for him) an object that he uses to try to regain power. He may use visitation arrangements as a tool to harangue the woman.




Stage 4 - Stalking

The Obsessive Ex keeps trying to arrange contact or have conversations with her, even though she has indicated there is nothing left to discuss. Stalking behavior may also include following, watching, spying, monitoring, asking other people about her or spreading rumors about her, increasing contact with her friends, family or co-workers, etc.

(Many people do not recognize stalking for what it is. Friends, co-workers, and family members may not be supportive of the woman; they will see the Ex's behavior as unimportant and assume that he will stop this behavior soon.)





Stage 5 - Threats

The Obsessive Ex now tries to employ intimidating contact, threats, or illegal interference to force the woman to come back to him.

He may also may vague statements about the safety of her child, or threaten to kidnap her child if she does not reconcile with him.

Physical aggression includes trying to stand in her way, block her path, or walk toward or advance upon her while yelling -- it is not the same thing as physical contact (violence).

This is the stage at which it usually, finally becomes obvious to the woman's friends, co-workers and family members, that her Ex has become a serious problem.





Stage 6 - Violence

Since the Obsessive Ex views other people and animals primarily in terms of how useful they are to him, he sees them more as objects than live beings. At this stage he is willing to kill a pet, abduct a child, murder a child, or murder the woman, in order to regain his feelings of control and power. He needs to feel like he is in control and he will do anything to accomplish it.







How Obsessive Ex Syndrome blocks a Normal Break-Up

During a normal break-up, an ex-partner may ask for several more discussions or meetings, to try to regain their loved one. A balanced person will eventually realize that the relationship is indeed over, and cease trying to repair the relationship.

An obsessive ex does not see a break-up the same way.




1. The Obsessive Ex may not even believe a break-up is in progress.

The Obsessor may think this is simply a more serious argument than usual, and decide they're supposed to keep contacting the partner until the argument is over and the partner takes them back. Even when at the point of stalking, Obsessors often still view themselves as a current partner who is simply waiting for an argument to be over.




2. The Obsessive Ex views their partner primarily as an object to support their own self-image, not as a human being.

The Obsessor's approach to the relationship has been what they themselves get out of it -- whether THEY are satisfied with the relationship. If the partner wants to leave, this is inconvenient for the Obsessor! They want the partner around to dominate, to make the Obsessor feel powerful. They didn't particularly care whether the partner was happy with them; they only cared that they preferred to have the partner around.





3. The Obsessor has an irrational "Sense of Entitlement".

Once the leaving partner decides to value personal individual needs first, the Obsessor is infuriated. The partner's act of "rebellion" does not fit into their world view -- that of the Obsessor as the center.





4. The Obsessor wants to punish their ex-partner.

Obsessors can't let a connection end completely, because they may believe themselves to have been so wronged that they "need" to punish or seek revenge against the leaving partner. Even in cases where an Obsessor was wronged in some way, their desire for justice and how long they cling to these emotions (to the detriment of their own life and others' lives), is completely out of proportion to what injustices may have occurred.

...mmmmm...trei intrebari de fond:

1. cui apartine textul ?
2. e supus comentariilor ?
3. esti de acord cu afirmatiile ?



....multumesc; functie de raspunsurile tale am putea continua o dezbatere foarte interesanta...

PS...precizare...am vazut niste autori din cand in cand, dar numele lor nu imi spun nimic...pe de alta parte, unele texte sunt in italic (ceea ce in limbaj universal insemna citat) ..altele in caractere ce ar putea sugera paternitatea textului....

Mafrend, textele sunt fragmente din ce studiez eu la vremea asta. Pemtru discutii pe tema putem deschide un topic separat. Textele sunt copy-paste la repezeala, nu sunt ale mele in nici un caz... m-am grabit ieri si a iesit o varza .

Turbo - putem discuta pe un topic separat ca sa nu stricam jurnalul

.... ...s-a facut Topic Nou: Narcisism !...



* la Odai in Dialog, by The Dude

Dude mafrend, multumesc!

*

back to work dupa un weekend prelungit in care am facut de toate, inclusiv am meditat si am inceput o noua tura de decluterizare.

daddy a venit sa vada copiii si sa petreaca timp cu ei. s-a intamplat sa apara la ora mesei.

cand a intrat in casa eu aveam friptura pe foc. S-a bucurat de mirosul de friptura de porc cu voce tare. La masa a reflectat cum ca n-a mai mancat carne de porc in ultima vreme. Masa s-a terminat fara incidente.

Cateva observatii se cuvin:
1. Carnea nu era de pork, era de vita.
2. Timp de ~10 ani cat am fost impreuna a refuzat constant sa manance carne de vita. Daca cumva faceam vreo ciorba de vita, avea grija sa nu se atinga de nici o bucata de carne... si sa astepte desigur si un fel doi, pentru ca o zeama chioara nu tine de foame.
3. carnea de vita are alt miros, gust si consistenta decat cea de pork...

incidentul a aparut cand ne-am ridicat de la masa, dar mi-e lehamite sa-l povestesc.

Scuze ca dau buzna in jurnalul tau insa chestia asta cu mancatul ciorbei in care a fiert totusi carne de vita nu se incadreaza in nici o logica ...
Nu ma pot abtine sa nu pun intrebarea : intr-un final i-ai spus ce a servit?

Nu i-am spus ce a servit - nu mai joc demult in piesa lui de teatru absurd.

tu chiar crezi ca un om la jumatatea vietii nu stie din ce animal e friptura pe care o mananca?
iar daca nu stie, cum se face ca a refuzat 10 ani sa o consume?

s-ar incadra la urmatoarea logica: imi place gustul, dar nu imi place consistenta carnii, e prea tare/atoasa/batoasa etc.


dar totul depinde de conjunctura... cateodata e pur si simplu convenabil sa te prefaci ca nu stii ce mananci... depinde din ce parte bate vantul, cum te-ai trezit de dimineata, ce planuri ai peste zi... etc.

si ca tot suntem la capitolul carne... sa vorbim despre copanelele de pui. pe care copanele de pui a refuzat constant sa le consume la mine in casa. motive exista intotdeauna... nu-i place gustul, carnea e prea inchisa la culoare si prea aproape de os etc. bun.

cand am mancat odata in oras la un fel de eat "all you can" unde puteai sa pui pe platou ce iti dorea sufletul din bufetul cald si rece, a pus pe platoul lui SI un copanel rece.

care ar fi problema?

ar fi doua:

1. el nu mananca copanele de fel.
2. el nu mananca carne/friptura rece.

Dar numai cand ii convine.

Confruntat cu problema mi-a explicat ca copanelul ala venea gratis, de aia l-a luat pe platoul lui.

Iar daca fac o criza de nervi de frustrare, e cazul sa consult un psihiatru. pa-bam!

you gotta lov'im!

Cand vrei sa te joci cu mintea cuiva, tocmai asta trebuie sa faci, gesturi care sfideaza logica...

din aventurile culinare ale lui praslea:

banana cu gogonele
lapte cu cacao si biscuiti + masline verzi
prajiturele cu ciocolata + carnati
scone + ketchup

zice - pot mami? pot? sa vad cum e. daca nu imi place nu mai mananc.

E nevoie de doi pentru un joc si nu totul e logic in viata. Si ca contraexemplu niciodata nu ma mananc la fosta acasa, sa nu ma otraveasca.

uite, vezi, la otrava nu m-am gandit niciodata...

Pai vezi ca e bine sa fii paranoic?

Țțțțțțțțț....... ..io am avut o cunostinta care a mierlit-o asa..si l-au declarat decedat in somn, desi nevasta-sa il indopase la greu cu tot felul de chestii...s-a zis ca a murit de asfixie..Dar dupa o vreme, soata a inceput sa aiba remuscari si s-a spart la gura pe la niste prietene cu inalt simt civic (cea mai naspa categorie de prieteni, mult inaintea celor fatarnici).


a venit gaboru si procuratura si a fost o deshumare...apoi s-a lasat cu legatorie.
Perdant a mai iesit si un pusti de vreo 14 ani, care a ramas solo.


In foto se lucreaza intens cu fericianura de potasiu, din care mai am cate ceva prin laborator, insa stiu mai multe retete, la indemana, simplu si ...cu urme greu de depistat

Asta imi aminteste de Umberto Eco, care atunci cand se documenta pentru romanul sau "numele trandafirului" a intrebat un medico legal de renume, daca exista otravuri ce pot ucide prin contact-atingere...nu prin ingerare, inoculare...alea, alea.

In proiectul cartii mai multi oameni trebuiau sa moara numai prin rasfoirea unui volum sacru...

medico legalu, deformat profesional, s-a gandit ca Eco pune la cale cine stie ce, si l-a dat pe goarna, de saracul profesor de semantica era cat pe ce sa isi scrie romanul intr-o incapere mult mai mica, mai putin dotata si cu ferestre in carouri...

am citit o fabula interesanta... fluturele si paianjenul deghizat in fluture

o mica disputa de dimineata si ma simt putin ratacita.