FW: De la Ambasada Canadei în România
To: All Romanian Speaking Staff
Subject: Improper Language Usage
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our office in Romania that offensive language is commonly used by our Romanian speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:
1. Words like ..tui, în ...a mea, ...a and other such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.
2. You will not say si-a băgat ...a when someone makes a mistake, or s-a căcat pe el if you see someone being reprehended, or băga-mi-as, when a
major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb a se căca and a se ...e are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable in our
3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred to as ...ă de om, căcănaru' or boul.
4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as ..lălău nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as muiangiu.
5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be referred to as porcării.
6. Do not say ..tu-ti pe măta if somebody is persistent; do not add ...a mea if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you
must not say am pus-o (refer to item 2) nor o să ne-o tragă when a matter becomes excessively complicated.
7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say du-te-n ...a mea nor should you ever substitute "May I help you?" with, ce
...a mea vrei?.
8. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners bosorogi împutiti.
9. Do not say ia mai mereti-n ...ă cu căcatu' ăsta when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer ...u-te-n c*r when your assistance is required.
10. You should never call partner representatives as boul dracului or tîmpitu' ăla.
11. The sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms such as .... bună, or homălău' lu' peste.
12. Last but not least, after reading this note, please do not say mă sterg la c*r cu textul ăsta. Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.
Thank you.
Versiune completa:Bancuri Netraduse
SIZE MATTERS
A MAN walked into the ladies department of a major department store and shyly said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”
"What type of bra?" asked the woman.
“Type?" asked the man. "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the woman, indicating a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, though, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bra to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the four types. The woman replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now thoroughly confused, the man asked about the differences between the four types. The woman responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills."
A MAN walked into the ladies department of a major department store and shyly said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”
"What type of bra?" asked the woman.
“Type?" asked the man. "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the woman, indicating a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, though, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bra to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the four types. The woman replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now thoroughly confused, the man asked about the differences between the four types. The woman responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills."
In a Soviet museum, a guide explains, "Here is the skeleton of the great
hero of the civil war, Vassily Ivanovich Chapaev. This is the skeleton
of Chapaev when he was five years old. And this one when he was twenty
years old. And this one is Chapaev's post-mortem skeleton."
hero of the civil war, Vassily Ivanovich Chapaev. This is the skeleton
of Chapaev when he was five years old. And this one when he was twenty
years old. And this one is Chapaev's post-mortem skeleton."
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on
me from the beginning, and denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating. Since losing his job four years ago he
hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy
cigars and drink with his pals, while I have to work
to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to
college, he doesn't pretend to like me and hints that
I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need
him anymore - you're a United States Senator from
New York now.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on
me from the beginning, and denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating. Since losing his job four years ago he
hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy
cigars and drink with his pals, while I have to work
to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to
college, he doesn't pretend to like me and hints that
I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need
him anymore - you're a United States Senator from
New York now.
"Where did you receive your training?"
"Yale."
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Yim Yohnson."
"Yale."
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Yim Yohnson."
| QUOTE (ausländer @ 8 Mar 2005, 10:44 PM) |
| "Where did you receive your training?" "Yale." "Good, and what's your name?" "Yim Yohnson." |
Moses
Moses comes down from Mount Sinai. He calls out to the assembled
Children of Israel:
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've got
the number down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still on the list."
Moses comes down from Mount Sinai. He calls out to the assembled
Children of Israel:
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've got
the number down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still on the list."
guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that the decide to go to the girl's place A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing
So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing
man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As th couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked th husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was goin through your mind?
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As th couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked th husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was goin through your mind?
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would
like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law."
surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would
like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law."
A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."
So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says,
"I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off.
A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps,
"Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?"
The little man answers, "Your driver's license, please ....."
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."
So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says,
"I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off.
A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps,
"Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?"
The little man answers, "Your driver's license, please ....."
Unul bun despre un Director Resurse Umane ajuns in ceruri :
HEAVENLY HUMAN RIGHTS
A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St Peter welcomed her: "Before you get settled in," he said, "we have a little problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before, and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "but I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward-bound elevator.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club to enjoy a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven, where St Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell." Accordingly, St Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful, happy time. Now there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
HEAVENLY HUMAN RIGHTS
A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St Peter welcomed her: "Before you get settled in," he said, "we have a little problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before, and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "but I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward-bound elevator.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club to enjoy a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven, where St Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell." Accordingly, St Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful, happy time. Now there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1 - life sucks
2 - job sucks
3 - wife does NOT!
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1 - life sucks
2 - job sucks
3 - wife does NOT!
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it.
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
Beware of...
THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
Beware of...
THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)
The Original Version:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....
The Pessimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
The Optimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.
The Playful Version
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
Set her free again, repeat *
The Lawyer's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
The Bill Gates Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
The Possessive Version:
If you love somebody,
Don't ever set her free.
The Psychologist's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant,
If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme,
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
The Marketing Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....
The Pessimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
The Optimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.
The Playful Version
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
Set her free again, repeat *
The Lawyer's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
The Bill Gates Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
The Possessive Version:
If you love somebody,
Don't ever set her free.
The Psychologist's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant,
If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme,
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
The Marketing Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?
Let's use mathematics and logic to figure it out!
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then, H A R D W O R K (8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11) = 98%
K N O W L E D G E (11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5) = 96%
But, A T T I T U D E (1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5) = 100%
And, B U L L S H I T (2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20) = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?
Let's use mathematics and logic to figure it out!
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then, H A R D W O R K (8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11) = 98%
K N O W L E D G E (11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5) = 96%
But, A T T I T U D E (1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5) = 100%
And, B U L L S H I T (2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20) = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
I:Ce i-a zis Dodi soferului?
R:"Drive me and Di"!
R:"Drive me and Di"!
Roma antica. Un gladiatore scommette che riesce a scoparsi 100 donne una
dietro l'altra. Grande pubblicita' dell'impresa, organizzazione nel
Colosseo, bandi da tutti le parti, e infine arriva il gran giorno.
Colosseo strapieno, arriva il gladiatore in gran forma, sponsor alle
spalle, arbitro, allenatore. E via: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 10... pausa,
asciugamano, coca-cola... 11, 12, 15... 20... pausa, coca-cola... 21, 22,
25... 30... pausa, massaggio... 31, 33, 34, 35... 40, pausa... 50... 60...
70... 80... 85, pausa, strizzamento di asciugamani, ricomincia 90...
pausa, coca-cola... 91, 92... pausa... 93, 94... pausa... 95... 96...
97... pausa, incoraggiamenti... 98... 99... il gladiatore crolla svenuto.
Colosseo in silenzio di tomba, si alza un vecchietto dai gradini piu'
alti e grida: "Ah frocioooooo !!!".
dietro l'altra. Grande pubblicita' dell'impresa, organizzazione nel
Colosseo, bandi da tutti le parti, e infine arriva il gran giorno.
Colosseo strapieno, arriva il gladiatore in gran forma, sponsor alle
spalle, arbitro, allenatore. E via: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 10... pausa,
asciugamano, coca-cola... 11, 12, 15... 20... pausa, coca-cola... 21, 22,
25... 30... pausa, massaggio... 31, 33, 34, 35... 40, pausa... 50... 60...
70... 80... 85, pausa, strizzamento di asciugamani, ricomincia 90...
pausa, coca-cola... 91, 92... pausa... 93, 94... pausa... 95... 96...
97... pausa, incoraggiamenti... 98... 99... il gladiatore crolla svenuto.
Colosseo in silenzio di tomba, si alza un vecchietto dai gradini piu'
alti e grida: "Ah frocioooooo !!!".
Nu prea stiu italiana, dar pe asta am inteles-o 
Geht eine Frau zum Frauenarzt:
"Herr Doktor, ich hab einen Knoten in der Brust"
"Um Gottes Willen, wer macht denn sowas??"
Nächsten Tag, ein Mann beim Urologen:
"Herr Doktor, ich kriege meine Vorhaut nicht mehr zurück."
"Na also sowas leiht man auch nicht her"
Geht eine Frau zum Frauenarzt:
"Herr Doktor, ich hab einen Knoten in der Brust"
"Um Gottes Willen, wer macht denn sowas??"
Nächsten Tag, ein Mann beim Urologen:
"Herr Doktor, ich kriege meine Vorhaut nicht mehr zurück."
"Na also sowas leiht man auch nicht her"
Cla, titlul threadului e:
| QUOTE |
| Bancuri Netraduse, ..adica in Engleza |
Poate data viitoare te conformezi.
Credeam ca daca merge italiana, atunci si germana. Dar nu-i bai, eu n-am o problema cu asta.
Sa fie atunci engleza, so what.
Sa fie atunci engleza, so what.
Excelente bancuri ! Va trimit si eu cateva funny, din Reader's Digest magazine. Have fun !!
Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle : "We Always Go the Extra Mile". In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled : "That's Because We Missed the last Exit".
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. to enforce this rule, the management posted this notice : "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added : "Socks can eat wherever they want."
According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75% of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random of 1,056 adults who were called in the middle of the night.
Q : What did the pork chop say to the steak ?
A : Nice to meat you.
Heard aboard a crosstown bus : "When you exit, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you. "
Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle : "We Always Go the Extra Mile". In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled : "That's Because We Missed the last Exit". Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. to enforce this rule, the management posted this notice : "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added : "Socks can eat wherever they want." According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75% of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random of 1,056 adults who were called in the middle of the night. Q : What did the pork chop say to the steak ?A : Nice to meat you.
Heard aboard a crosstown bus : "When you exit, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you. "
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and ervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it .Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and ervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it .Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUC.KING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU.CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
...and they lived happily ever after.
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUC.KING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU.CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
...and they lived happily ever after.
On Saturday morning I got up early, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage and hooked up the boat to the truck. Then while coming out of the garage I saw that rain is pouring down; it is a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
I returned to the garage, came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back and I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
I returned to the garage, came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back and I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from
elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher
noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can
create under the pressures of time and grades!"
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold
There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it."
"To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose."
"The parts of speech are lungs and air."
"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population."
"A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot."
"The general direction of the Alps is straight up."
"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums."
"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom."
"We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk
from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk."
"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities."
"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar."
"The climate is hottest next to the Creator."
"Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious
feelings."
"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom."
"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
"One by-product of raising cattle is calves."
"Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher
noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can
create under the pressures of time and grades!"
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold
There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it."
"To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose."
"The parts of speech are lungs and air."
"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population."
"A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot."
"The general direction of the Alps is straight up."
"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums."
"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom."
"We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk
from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk."
"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities."
"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar."
"The climate is hottest next to the Creator."
"Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious
feelings."
"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom."
"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
"One by-product of raising cattle is calves."
"Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However . . .
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins....
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However . . .
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins....
How many French does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, first, there has to be a UN security resolution demanding a change - but only if the light bulb can be proved to be burned out and not just in a quantum state of flux.
Second, there should be an increase in the number and frequency of inspectors and inspections to determine that the light bulb is not just burned out, but a genuine threat to the rest of the world. There has to be a "smoking filament" or else the changing of the bulb would be considered unnecessary since the light bulb poses no threat to world stability, let alone in breach of said resolution by illuminating anything other than it's own space.
Third, there should be endless debate about the ramifications of light bulb change. How do we know the next light bulb will be a more co operative light bulb and illuminate our lives?
Fourth, France will in no way support a violent action in changing the light bulb. There must be a peaceful solution to this light bulb change; violent action is unacceptable.
Fifth, without a broad coalition that supports light bulb change, any action to change the bulb will be considered a breach of the "spirit" of the UN resolution regarding the light bulb.
Well, first, there has to be a UN security resolution demanding a change - but only if the light bulb can be proved to be burned out and not just in a quantum state of flux.
Second, there should be an increase in the number and frequency of inspectors and inspections to determine that the light bulb is not just burned out, but a genuine threat to the rest of the world. There has to be a "smoking filament" or else the changing of the bulb would be considered unnecessary since the light bulb poses no threat to world stability, let alone in breach of said resolution by illuminating anything other than it's own space.
Third, there should be endless debate about the ramifications of light bulb change. How do we know the next light bulb will be a more co operative light bulb and illuminate our lives?
Fourth, France will in no way support a violent action in changing the light bulb. There must be a peaceful solution to this light bulb change; violent action is unacceptable.
Fifth, without a broad coalition that supports light bulb change, any action to change the bulb will be considered a breach of the "spirit" of the UN resolution regarding the light bulb.
| QUOTE (Wizard of id) |
| "I'd like to give Gwen a gift that would remind her of me all year." "How about a canary?" "Why?" "Well, it's yellow and it goes: "CHEEP"" |
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down.
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down.
"Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
-"It's a illegala to put a cinque people in a Quattro."
-"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
-"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
-"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile!" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
- "You canta puta thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people in a car and you are breaking the law."
- "I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence zupervisor over !"
- "Sorry. He can'ta come righta know. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
-"It's a illegala to put a cinque people in a Quattro."
-"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
-"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
-"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile!" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
- "You canta puta thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people in a car and you are breaking the law."
- "I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence zupervisor over !"
- "Sorry. He can'ta come righta know. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
banc englezesc
A group of old pals decided to honour their friend with a hooker for his 75th birthday. When the doorbell rang, he answered it and saw a very exciting young woman in a sexy outfit. She said, "I'm here to give you super sex."
The birthday boy thought for a moment, and then replied, "I think I'll take the soup."
A group of old pals decided to honour their friend with a hooker for his 75th birthday. When the doorbell rang, he answered it and saw a very exciting young woman in a sexy outfit. She said, "I'm here to give you super sex."
The birthday boy thought for a moment, and then replied, "I think I'll take the soup."
| QUOTE (Cla @ 7 Feb 2006, 04:15 PM) |
| Cel mai traznet banc cu blonde!! (engl.) |
am fost si eu blonda... o data in viata mea
cand am vazut linku lui Cla banuiam ca e ceva de jenu....
For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation -
just remember, it could have been worse.
These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government
employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat n
a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6."This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
11. "A gross ignoramus............ 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "He's been working with glue too much."
14. "He would argue with a signpost."
15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."
23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm"
27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
just remember, it could have been worse.
These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government
employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat n
a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6."This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
11. "A gross ignoramus............ 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "He's been working with glue too much."
14. "He would argue with a signpost."
15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."
23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm"
27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
Euro-English European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w " with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w " with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Q - Why couldn't the children go see the new pirate movie?
A - It was rated "Aaarrrr"
A - It was rated "Aaarrrr"
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
ONE DAY I HAPPENED TO VISIT A RICH MAN ..... AND THE HOSPITALITY BEGIN LIKE
THIS..........
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo,
or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
THIS..........
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo,
or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
Check this out !!!
INCREDIBLE THINGS HAPPEN IN AMERICA...
1°) Fold a $20 bill in half...
2°) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below
3°) Fold the other end, exactly as before
Et voilŕ, the PENTAGON on fire!!
4°) Now, simply turn it over...
The Twin Towers ablaze....
What a coincidience! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic
premonition printed on all $20 bills!!!
COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE
As if that wasn't enough... here is what you've seen...
Firstly The Pentagon on fire...
Then The Twin Towers...
... and now... look at this!
TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL
INCREDIBLE THINGS HAPPEN IN AMERICA...
1°) Fold a $20 bill in half...
2°) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below
3°) Fold the other end, exactly as before
Et voilŕ, the PENTAGON on fire!!
4°) Now, simply turn it over...
The Twin Towers ablaze....
What a coincidience! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic
premonition printed on all $20 bills!!!
COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE
As if that wasn't enough... here is what you've seen...
Firstly The Pentagon on fire...
Then The Twin Towers...
... and now... look at this!
TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL
@ March: lipsesc pozele 
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"
Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...
It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?"
The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at McDonald's!"
Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job?
A: `Paper or plastic?'
A French mathematician's pick up line: "Voulez vous Cauchy avec moi?"
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"
Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...
It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?"
The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at McDonald's!"
Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job?
A: `Paper or plastic?'
A French mathematician's pick up line: "Voulez vous Cauchy avec moi?"
The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than
German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some
room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that
would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful,
and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru!
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than
German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some
room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that
would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful,
and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru!
WHAT DID GOD SAY WHEN HE CREATED THE FIRST NEGRO?
- SHIT I BURNT ONE....
- SHIT I BURNT ONE....
A man walks into a store:
Man to store keeper: I'd like some nails.
Store keeper to man: Sure.How long do you want them?
Man to store keeper: Oh I'd like to keep them!
Man to store keeper: I'd like some nails.
Store keeper to man: Sure.How long do you want them?
Man to store keeper: Oh I'd like to keep them!
Shit Happens, according to various World Religions
Warning: the following joke is not suitable for people who cannot laugh at anything religious.
Taoism: Shit happens
Hare krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Islam: That shit happens is the will of Allah
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens"
7th day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock, "Shit happens"
Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon
Unitarian: What is this shit?
Mormon: Shit happens again & again & again
Judaism: Oy vey! Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pentacostalism: Praise the shit!
Atheism: There is no shit!
New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit
Warning: the following joke is not suitable for people who cannot laugh at anything religious.
Taoism: Shit happens
Hare krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Islam: That shit happens is the will of Allah
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens"
7th day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock, "Shit happens"
Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon
Unitarian: What is this shit?
Mormon: Shit happens again & again & again
Judaism: Oy vey! Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pentacostalism: Praise the shit!
Atheism: There is no shit!
New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit
Lesson 1: Knowing your car
The first step in learning to drive is deciding to do so. Once this is done, you must open the door to the car of your choice. This is a critical step because the steering wheel, gas pedal, etc... are on the opposite side of the door as you.
Next, you must remove your foot from the ground (Editor's note: Do not remove both feet from the ground at once, this may end up with painful results) and place it on the floor of the car directly in front of the driver's seat (Editor's note: If you open the door and do not see a steering wheel in front of the seat, this probably means you have opened the wrong door. What you have done, is you have opened the door to a passenger seat. To correct this error, close the door, walk carefully around to the opposite side of your car, and open the new door closest to you. If you still do not see a steering wheel, choose a different car).
Once your first foot is set safely on the floor of your car, execute seating procedures to prevent whacking your head on the roof of your car (Editor's note: Be sure you end up IN THE SEAT). Now, lift your second foot, and place it adjacent to your first. If you have made it to this point, look at the ajar door. You should see a hook-like structure extending from the mid-section of the door. This hook-like structure extending from the mid-section of the door is called
the, "door handle." Grab the, "door handle," and pull hard. Your door is now shut.
Congratulations, you have successfully entered your car.
Lesson 2: Turning your car "on"
Now that you are in your car, we will teach you how to activate it. With your car came a small slab of metal. This slab of metal is not a spare part, and is not optional or expendable. This slab of metal is called, "the key." Place, "the key" in your right hand, with the pointed end away from your person. Look beside the steering wheel, you should see a small, round circle at this position. Jab "the key" repeatedly at this circle until "the key" penetrates the surface of the small, round circle. Once this is done, turn "the key" sharply to the right until you hear, "RRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
Do not be alarmed, this sound is intended for the car to make. Your car is not roaring out of anger or rage, so do not scream and exit your car in terror. (Editor's note: This action will not sit well with your Driver's Education Instructor).
This roaring sound is simply the result of the engine's activation. Has your engine activated? Good job. You have successfully activated the engine of your vehicle. In essence, you have turned your car "on."
Lesson 3: Identifying the pedals
QUICK! Look on the floor and place your foot on the left raised foot panel! *Phew* You have just stepped on the, "Brake," and prevented your car from rolling backwards and smashing into something. Good job for your quick thinking!
Without removing your foot from the "Brake," look down at the floor on which your feet are placed. You should see a series of two or three raised panels called "Pedals." If these panels are not present, you may want to choose a different vehicle. The pedal on your right is called the, "accelerator." "Accelerator," is a big, fancy word for, "Go thing." You step on this pedal to "go." Do not, however, step on the "Brake," and the "Accelerator," at the same time. This action will result in a negative effect called a "stall." If this occurs, repeat from Lesson #2. (Editor's note: Overuse of the "Accelerator" is not recommended on a crowded roadway, in the driveway, or when your car is not on. These actions will not profit in any manner.)
The third pedal is called, "The Clutch." Regardless of it's name, you do not grab this pedal. It is to be pushed with a foot as are the others.
Lesson 4: Windshields and their facilities
Look ahead. What do you see? "Nothing," you say? Exactly. This nothing is called a, "Windshield." It is a stationary pane of clear glass that covers the front of your car. Look near the bottom of your windshield, There are two black lines at this position. These black lines are known as "Windshield wipers." Windshield wipers are your friends. Look at the display behind the steering wheel. Do you see a series of blinking, flashing buttons? Of course not, these buttons do not blink or flash.
Press one of these buttons.
Did the windshield wipers activate? If not, press various buttons until they do (Editor's note: You will know that the windshield wipers are on when they begin to move up and down). When the windshield wipers do activate, look at the last button you pushed. This is the button that activates the windshield wipers. (Editor's note: Driving with your windshield wipers on is only recommended with the presence of rain. Otherwise, this will look odd to other drivers).
Now, exit your car. Once this is done, look at the front section of your car. This section is called, "The hood" (Editor's note: This is not "The hood" at which gangsters hang out). On this hood, there are two raised, rounded objects on opposite sides of the hood. These are called, "Things." When the correct button is pushed, these, "things" release a stream of water onto the windshield. Repeat Lesson 1 and enter the car. Now locate this button by using the same method as you did to find the Windshield Wiper Button. Now depress this button. Did water come out onto to windshield? If not, skip the rest of this paragraph and move on to lesson 5. If so, now would be a good time to depress the Windshield Wiper Button.
Lesson 5: Blinkers
Do you see a lever on the left-hand side of the steering wheel? If not, pretend you do. Move this lever into an upward position. Do you hear, "Tink, tink, tink, tink"? Good. Now look at the display panel behind the steering wheel. You now see a blinking button. This is not a depressable button (WARNING: Prolonged exposure to blinking buttons is believed to induce hypnotic effects). Now move the lever into a lowered position. You should again here, "Tink, tink, tink, tink," but a button on the opposite side of the display panel is now flashing. These two lights are called, "Blinkers."
Lesson 6: What is a radio?
A radio is a distraction from good driving. Most cars come equipped with a radio, but in the event that yours does not, scream at the dashboard until someone puts one there.
To activate your radio, roll up this paper, and begin beating what you believe to be the radio until you hear noise (Editor's note: If you do not eventually hear sound, this may not be the radio).
Lesson 7: The steering wheel
In front of the driver's seat of your car, you will see a round object in front of you. This object is NOT a replacement tire, and is by no means to be removed if it works properly. This device is called the, "Steering Wheel." It is a necessary tool for good driving. Take hold of this wheel. Turn it in one direction. Did the wheel turn? Good. Now turn your steering wheel in the other direction. If your steering wheel only turns in one direction, you may not want to use this car often (Editor's note: If your wheel does not turn at all, your car may be off. Activate your car (L.2), then turn your steering wheel. If the wheel still will not turn, beat it, rip it off and stomp on it while chanting, "THE WHEEL WONT WORK THE WHEEL WONT WORK!!" After doing this for several minutes, place the steering wheel back on its extension and attempts to turn it again. Repeat this procedure as many times as necessary).
Lesson 8: Blowing the horn
Notice the midsection of your steering wheel is wide and flat. If you beat this flat surface, it will produce a loud sound. When it does this, it is said that you have just, "Blown the horn." Try to, "blow the horn," now.....Did it work? Good deal. Although blowing the horn may be fun and amusing, there are only certain times you should do so. These times are....
·When no one else is around.
·When you are parked in the garage.
·When someone else blows their horn at you.
·When you are in New York City or Chicago
Once you are familiar with the horn, move on to Lesson 9.
Lesson 9: Passengers, and how to treat them
You may have been wondering what the extra seat beside you is for. This is the passenger seat. If someone climbs into your car via this seat, do not beat them and tell them to get out (Especially if his shirt says "Driver Education Instructor" on the front).
This person is a "passenger" and you should treat him/her/it with respect. (Editor's note: The only time you should beat a passenger and tell him/her/it to get out is if they attempt to share your seat with you). If you are uncomfortable having a passenger in your car, you may have this chair removed, AFTER the Driver Education Instructor has exited for the last time.
If you are the only one in the car, you should not sit in the passenger seat. This makes it difficult to drive, and it may also make police personnel suspicious.
Lesson 10: The Driver's manual and how to get around it
The driver's manual is a book several inches thick that no one ever reads. This book is the basis for all regulations that exist for driving your car. Policemen frequently give out fines for violation of this manual (Editor's note: I am supposed to say that policemen are your friends, but I just don't see how that is).
Most policemen haven't read this book for themselves, so next time you are pulled over for violation of this book, hand the cop a gold-covered, hardback copy of the drivers manual, and say, "Show me where it says that." You will be on your way momentarily.
Lesson 11: Your car's weapons and defenses
Rarely do cars come with installed missiles, bombs, mines, or other high-yield explosives. However, it does come with a handy offensive device called an "exhaust pipe." While not directly deadly, the "exhaust pipe" can have amusing results when used improperly.
The most convenient time to use this device is while stopped at a traffic light with a car behind you. When these circumstances are met, shift your car into neutral (Editor's note: To do this, you can do one of two things; you can take hold of the horizontal lever beside the steering wheel, and pull down until the little pointy thing on the "dashboard" is on the "N," or you can ram your car into the nearest tree).
Once your car is in neutral, step on the "accelerator" (lesson #3) as fast and as hard as you possibly can. If this is done correctly, large amounts of black, gasous fumes should emerge from the "exhaust pipe." This will greatly annoy the person behind you, especially if they have their window down.
Lesson 12: Seat Belts
Now that we have covered that, let's move on to something more complicated.
Look behind you to your left. What do you see? Do you see a shiny silver thingy? You do? Cool beans.
Grab this shiny silver thingy and pull. This shiny silver thingy is called the, "Seat Belt Buckle."
Now notice that the shiny silver thingy is attached to a long, narrow strap. You might be wondering, 'What is this thing and why is it there?' Then again, you might not be.
Before you get too confused, look down at the right hand side of the seat. You now see a small unit with a slot and a big red button.
Together, these facilities make up the "Seat Belt Safety System." Take the shiny silver thingy out of your mouth (Editor's note: The shiny silver thingy is not a toy, and is not to be treated as one) and guide it down toward the right hand side of the seat. If you are quick, you will notice that the small, narrow strap is inconspicuously and automatically moving with the shiny silver thingy across your chest, causing a restraining effect. Do not panic; this restraining effect is expected. Now move the edge of the shiny silver thingy into the slot on the unit near the right hand side of your seat. Did you hear, "click?" (Editor's note: If you did not hear "click," repeat this process, but turn the shiny silver thingy around)
Congratulations, you have just "buckled up."
Now, how do you get out? You are sitting there, restrained and stationary. You can't stay like that forever, now can you?
To answer this question, say, "No!"
Once you have done this, look back at the unit on the right hand side of your seat. Remember that big red button? That big red button is the ejection button. Do not be alarmed, it only ejects the shiny silver thingy. Now is a good time to depress that big, red button. If you heard another "click," you have successfully ejected your seat belt. Now watch the small narrow strap and shiny silver thingy snake back up to the area behind your seat.
Cool, huh?
You are required by law to be, "buckled up" at all times while driving. You will find proof of this in the Driver's Manual. (Lesson 10).
Lesson 13: Take the test
Congratulations. You now know everything you need to know to drive on the road. Lets review what we have gone over.....
1. When you are handed a slab of metal, you should:
A. Swallow it for good luck
B. Throw it back at the man who gave it to you
C. Start your car with it
If you said "A," you probably not old enough to drive
2. When your car goes, "RRRRRRRR!!!" What is it doing?
A. Waking up
B. Roaring out of anger
C. Blowing up
Hmmmmm......
3. Which of the following is true about your windshield?
A. It is a top-secret device used to propel your car faster than the speed of light.
B. It can tell you the future and glow in the dark
C. You can't c it
If you said "C" you are correct.
4. What is, "The hood"?
A. A place where gangsters meet
B. The flap connected to your jacket
C. The front section of your car
If you said "A," "B," or "C," you are correct.
5.The steering wheel is used for which of the following?
A. Bowling
B. Frisbee
C. Driving
If you said "A" or "B", read over Lesson 7 one more time.
6. What is the "accelerator," a fancy name for?
A. Stop thing
B. Go thing
C. A big fat ugly person who wants to eat you and your children
If you said "C," I have a number for you to call.
7. The horn should be used for which of the following?
A. herding cattle
B. Playing Baseball
C. Annoying people
If you said "B," you're out!
8. A passenger is a(n):
A. Nuisance
B. Friend
C. Person sitting beside you in a car
If you said "D," you are incorrect.
9. What do you do what a seat belt?
I. Put it in your mouth as if it were a play toy
II. Use it to restrain yourself while driving
III. Threaten to strangle passengers in your car who will not behave
A. I only
B. II only
C. III only
D. Both I and II
E. Both II and III
F. Both I and III
G. Neither I, II, or III
H. Huh?
If you said "H," I share your confusion, but that doesn't mean you are right.
10. Which of the following is true?
A. All of the above
B. None of the above
C. One of the above.
D. Two of the above
E. None of the above
F. None of the above
Think about this for a minute...
Lesson 14: Your first solo drive
If you passed the test, you are now ready for your first drive. If your car is still intact, your Driver Education Instructor should be entering your car via the passenger seat now (Editor's note: Remember what we said about passengers).
It is time to show him what you have learned. Ignore what he says and follow my advice. If you do this, you may have a chance at survival. Good luck, and may our force be with you.
Troubleshooting
Q. Where is my car?
A. There are several solutions to this problem:
1. You do not have a car.
2. Your car has been stolen.
3. You have misplaced your car.
4. Answers: 3, 2, 1 (In that order)
Q. My car wont change colors.
A. Your car is not broken if it does not change colors. It is not made to do so without a
paint job.
Q. My sniper Rifle does not shoot straight.
A. If you have trouble "shooting", consult the NRA, this is a driver's manual.
Q. Why, just why?
A. Because, just because.
Q. I filled my tires with helium and drove off a cliff. Now I am dead. Why didn't my
car fly?
A. Because you didn't flap the doors.
Q. I just bought a car for $30.00, but it didn't come with a key. What do I do?
A. Remote control cars do not come with keys. Insert 4 double A batteries and move
the switch to "on."
Q. I HATE MY CAR!!!
A. Perhaps driving is not for you.
Q. My car does not fit the description of a car.
A. You have purchased a, "Truck". The operations are the same.
Q. Why does my car have only two wheels?
A. There are several solutions to this problem as well:
1. You have purchased a bicycle, next time, purchase a vehicle.
2. No explanation, purchase a different vehicle
The first step in learning to drive is deciding to do so. Once this is done, you must open the door to the car of your choice. This is a critical step because the steering wheel, gas pedal, etc... are on the opposite side of the door as you.
Next, you must remove your foot from the ground (Editor's note: Do not remove both feet from the ground at once, this may end up with painful results) and place it on the floor of the car directly in front of the driver's seat (Editor's note: If you open the door and do not see a steering wheel in front of the seat, this probably means you have opened the wrong door. What you have done, is you have opened the door to a passenger seat. To correct this error, close the door, walk carefully around to the opposite side of your car, and open the new door closest to you. If you still do not see a steering wheel, choose a different car).
Once your first foot is set safely on the floor of your car, execute seating procedures to prevent whacking your head on the roof of your car (Editor's note: Be sure you end up IN THE SEAT). Now, lift your second foot, and place it adjacent to your first. If you have made it to this point, look at the ajar door. You should see a hook-like structure extending from the mid-section of the door. This hook-like structure extending from the mid-section of the door is called
the, "door handle." Grab the, "door handle," and pull hard. Your door is now shut.
Congratulations, you have successfully entered your car.
Lesson 2: Turning your car "on"
Now that you are in your car, we will teach you how to activate it. With your car came a small slab of metal. This slab of metal is not a spare part, and is not optional or expendable. This slab of metal is called, "the key." Place, "the key" in your right hand, with the pointed end away from your person. Look beside the steering wheel, you should see a small, round circle at this position. Jab "the key" repeatedly at this circle until "the key" penetrates the surface of the small, round circle. Once this is done, turn "the key" sharply to the right until you hear, "RRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
Do not be alarmed, this sound is intended for the car to make. Your car is not roaring out of anger or rage, so do not scream and exit your car in terror. (Editor's note: This action will not sit well with your Driver's Education Instructor).
This roaring sound is simply the result of the engine's activation. Has your engine activated? Good job. You have successfully activated the engine of your vehicle. In essence, you have turned your car "on."
Lesson 3: Identifying the pedals
QUICK! Look on the floor and place your foot on the left raised foot panel! *Phew* You have just stepped on the, "Brake," and prevented your car from rolling backwards and smashing into something. Good job for your quick thinking!
Without removing your foot from the "Brake," look down at the floor on which your feet are placed. You should see a series of two or three raised panels called "Pedals." If these panels are not present, you may want to choose a different vehicle. The pedal on your right is called the, "accelerator." "Accelerator," is a big, fancy word for, "Go thing." You step on this pedal to "go." Do not, however, step on the "Brake," and the "Accelerator," at the same time. This action will result in a negative effect called a "stall." If this occurs, repeat from Lesson #2. (Editor's note: Overuse of the "Accelerator" is not recommended on a crowded roadway, in the driveway, or when your car is not on. These actions will not profit in any manner.)
The third pedal is called, "The Clutch." Regardless of it's name, you do not grab this pedal. It is to be pushed with a foot as are the others.
Lesson 4: Windshields and their facilities
Look ahead. What do you see? "Nothing," you say? Exactly. This nothing is called a, "Windshield." It is a stationary pane of clear glass that covers the front of your car. Look near the bottom of your windshield, There are two black lines at this position. These black lines are known as "Windshield wipers." Windshield wipers are your friends. Look at the display behind the steering wheel. Do you see a series of blinking, flashing buttons? Of course not, these buttons do not blink or flash.
Press one of these buttons.
Did the windshield wipers activate? If not, press various buttons until they do (Editor's note: You will know that the windshield wipers are on when they begin to move up and down). When the windshield wipers do activate, look at the last button you pushed. This is the button that activates the windshield wipers. (Editor's note: Driving with your windshield wipers on is only recommended with the presence of rain. Otherwise, this will look odd to other drivers).
Now, exit your car. Once this is done, look at the front section of your car. This section is called, "The hood" (Editor's note: This is not "The hood" at which gangsters hang out). On this hood, there are two raised, rounded objects on opposite sides of the hood. These are called, "Things." When the correct button is pushed, these, "things" release a stream of water onto the windshield. Repeat Lesson 1 and enter the car. Now locate this button by using the same method as you did to find the Windshield Wiper Button. Now depress this button. Did water come out onto to windshield? If not, skip the rest of this paragraph and move on to lesson 5. If so, now would be a good time to depress the Windshield Wiper Button.
Lesson 5: Blinkers
Do you see a lever on the left-hand side of the steering wheel? If not, pretend you do. Move this lever into an upward position. Do you hear, "Tink, tink, tink, tink"? Good. Now look at the display panel behind the steering wheel. You now see a blinking button. This is not a depressable button (WARNING: Prolonged exposure to blinking buttons is believed to induce hypnotic effects). Now move the lever into a lowered position. You should again here, "Tink, tink, tink, tink," but a button on the opposite side of the display panel is now flashing. These two lights are called, "Blinkers."
Lesson 6: What is a radio?
A radio is a distraction from good driving. Most cars come equipped with a radio, but in the event that yours does not, scream at the dashboard until someone puts one there.
To activate your radio, roll up this paper, and begin beating what you believe to be the radio until you hear noise (Editor's note: If you do not eventually hear sound, this may not be the radio).
Lesson 7: The steering wheel
In front of the driver's seat of your car, you will see a round object in front of you. This object is NOT a replacement tire, and is by no means to be removed if it works properly. This device is called the, "Steering Wheel." It is a necessary tool for good driving. Take hold of this wheel. Turn it in one direction. Did the wheel turn? Good. Now turn your steering wheel in the other direction. If your steering wheel only turns in one direction, you may not want to use this car often (Editor's note: If your wheel does not turn at all, your car may be off. Activate your car (L.2), then turn your steering wheel. If the wheel still will not turn, beat it, rip it off and stomp on it while chanting, "THE WHEEL WONT WORK THE WHEEL WONT WORK!!" After doing this for several minutes, place the steering wheel back on its extension and attempts to turn it again. Repeat this procedure as many times as necessary).
Lesson 8: Blowing the horn
Notice the midsection of your steering wheel is wide and flat. If you beat this flat surface, it will produce a loud sound. When it does this, it is said that you have just, "Blown the horn." Try to, "blow the horn," now.....Did it work? Good deal. Although blowing the horn may be fun and amusing, there are only certain times you should do so. These times are....
·When no one else is around.
·When you are parked in the garage.
·When someone else blows their horn at you.
·When you are in New York City or Chicago
Once you are familiar with the horn, move on to Lesson 9.
Lesson 9: Passengers, and how to treat them
You may have been wondering what the extra seat beside you is for. This is the passenger seat. If someone climbs into your car via this seat, do not beat them and tell them to get out (Especially if his shirt says "Driver Education Instructor" on the front).
This person is a "passenger" and you should treat him/her/it with respect. (Editor's note: The only time you should beat a passenger and tell him/her/it to get out is if they attempt to share your seat with you). If you are uncomfortable having a passenger in your car, you may have this chair removed, AFTER the Driver Education Instructor has exited for the last time.
If you are the only one in the car, you should not sit in the passenger seat. This makes it difficult to drive, and it may also make police personnel suspicious.
Lesson 10: The Driver's manual and how to get around it
The driver's manual is a book several inches thick that no one ever reads. This book is the basis for all regulations that exist for driving your car. Policemen frequently give out fines for violation of this manual (Editor's note: I am supposed to say that policemen are your friends, but I just don't see how that is).
Most policemen haven't read this book for themselves, so next time you are pulled over for violation of this book, hand the cop a gold-covered, hardback copy of the drivers manual, and say, "Show me where it says that." You will be on your way momentarily.
Lesson 11: Your car's weapons and defenses
Rarely do cars come with installed missiles, bombs, mines, or other high-yield explosives. However, it does come with a handy offensive device called an "exhaust pipe." While not directly deadly, the "exhaust pipe" can have amusing results when used improperly.
The most convenient time to use this device is while stopped at a traffic light with a car behind you. When these circumstances are met, shift your car into neutral (Editor's note: To do this, you can do one of two things; you can take hold of the horizontal lever beside the steering wheel, and pull down until the little pointy thing on the "dashboard" is on the "N," or you can ram your car into the nearest tree).
Once your car is in neutral, step on the "accelerator" (lesson #3) as fast and as hard as you possibly can. If this is done correctly, large amounts of black, gasous fumes should emerge from the "exhaust pipe." This will greatly annoy the person behind you, especially if they have their window down.
Lesson 12: Seat Belts
Now that we have covered that, let's move on to something more complicated.
Look behind you to your left. What do you see? Do you see a shiny silver thingy? You do? Cool beans.
Grab this shiny silver thingy and pull. This shiny silver thingy is called the, "Seat Belt Buckle."
Now notice that the shiny silver thingy is attached to a long, narrow strap. You might be wondering, 'What is this thing and why is it there?' Then again, you might not be.
Before you get too confused, look down at the right hand side of the seat. You now see a small unit with a slot and a big red button.
Together, these facilities make up the "Seat Belt Safety System." Take the shiny silver thingy out of your mouth (Editor's note: The shiny silver thingy is not a toy, and is not to be treated as one) and guide it down toward the right hand side of the seat. If you are quick, you will notice that the small, narrow strap is inconspicuously and automatically moving with the shiny silver thingy across your chest, causing a restraining effect. Do not panic; this restraining effect is expected. Now move the edge of the shiny silver thingy into the slot on the unit near the right hand side of your seat. Did you hear, "click?" (Editor's note: If you did not hear "click," repeat this process, but turn the shiny silver thingy around)
Congratulations, you have just "buckled up."
Now, how do you get out? You are sitting there, restrained and stationary. You can't stay like that forever, now can you?
To answer this question, say, "No!"
Once you have done this, look back at the unit on the right hand side of your seat. Remember that big red button? That big red button is the ejection button. Do not be alarmed, it only ejects the shiny silver thingy. Now is a good time to depress that big, red button. If you heard another "click," you have successfully ejected your seat belt. Now watch the small narrow strap and shiny silver thingy snake back up to the area behind your seat.
Cool, huh?
You are required by law to be, "buckled up" at all times while driving. You will find proof of this in the Driver's Manual. (Lesson 10).
Lesson 13: Take the test
Congratulations. You now know everything you need to know to drive on the road. Lets review what we have gone over.....
1. When you are handed a slab of metal, you should:
A. Swallow it for good luck
B. Throw it back at the man who gave it to you
C. Start your car with it
If you said "A," you probably not old enough to drive
2. When your car goes, "RRRRRRRR!!!" What is it doing?
A. Waking up
B. Roaring out of anger
C. Blowing up
Hmmmmm......
3. Which of the following is true about your windshield?
A. It is a top-secret device used to propel your car faster than the speed of light.
B. It can tell you the future and glow in the dark
C. You can't c it
If you said "C" you are correct.
4. What is, "The hood"?
A. A place where gangsters meet
B. The flap connected to your jacket
C. The front section of your car
If you said "A," "B," or "C," you are correct.
5.The steering wheel is used for which of the following?
A. Bowling
B. Frisbee
C. Driving
If you said "A" or "B", read over Lesson 7 one more time.
6. What is the "accelerator," a fancy name for?
A. Stop thing
B. Go thing
C. A big fat ugly person who wants to eat you and your children
If you said "C," I have a number for you to call.
7. The horn should be used for which of the following?
A. herding cattle
B. Playing Baseball
C. Annoying people
If you said "B," you're out!
8. A passenger is a(n):
A. Nuisance
B. Friend
C. Person sitting beside you in a car
If you said "D," you are incorrect.
9. What do you do what a seat belt?
I. Put it in your mouth as if it were a play toy
II. Use it to restrain yourself while driving
III. Threaten to strangle passengers in your car who will not behave
A. I only
B. II only
C. III only
D. Both I and II
E. Both II and III
F. Both I and III
G. Neither I, II, or III
H. Huh?
If you said "H," I share your confusion, but that doesn't mean you are right.
10. Which of the following is true?
A. All of the above
B. None of the above
C. One of the above.
D. Two of the above
E. None of the above
F. None of the above
Think about this for a minute...
Lesson 14: Your first solo drive
If you passed the test, you are now ready for your first drive. If your car is still intact, your Driver Education Instructor should be entering your car via the passenger seat now (Editor's note: Remember what we said about passengers).
It is time to show him what you have learned. Ignore what he says and follow my advice. If you do this, you may have a chance at survival. Good luck, and may our force be with you.
Troubleshooting
Q. Where is my car?
A. There are several solutions to this problem:
1. You do not have a car.
2. Your car has been stolen.
3. You have misplaced your car.
4. Answers: 3, 2, 1 (In that order)
Q. My car wont change colors.
A. Your car is not broken if it does not change colors. It is not made to do so without a
paint job.
Q. My sniper Rifle does not shoot straight.
A. If you have trouble "shooting", consult the NRA, this is a driver's manual.
Q. Why, just why?
A. Because, just because.
Q. I filled my tires with helium and drove off a cliff. Now I am dead. Why didn't my
car fly?
A. Because you didn't flap the doors.
Q. I just bought a car for $30.00, but it didn't come with a key. What do I do?
A. Remote control cars do not come with keys. Insert 4 double A batteries and move
the switch to "on."
Q. I HATE MY CAR!!!
A. Perhaps driving is not for you.
Q. My car does not fit the description of a car.
A. You have purchased a, "Truck". The operations are the same.
Q. Why does my car have only two wheels?
A. There are several solutions to this problem as well:
1. You have purchased a bicycle, next time, purchase a vehicle.
2. No explanation, purchase a different vehicle
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
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