Am sosit cam tarziu aici, asa ca scuze daca au mai fost postate :

***

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH :

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle . Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees,and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work,sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER :

Bob the idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines ( 1,3,5,..etc.) for my true assesment of him.

***

THE HAPPY COUPLE

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the creazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a... cucumber.
She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard ", she screamed at him , " how could you be lying to me all these years. You better explain yourself ! ' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly , " I'll explain the cucumber if you explain our three kids."

***

TWO OLD LADIES...

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over the cigarette, and continued smoking.
Her friend said : " What's that ? "
The first lady replied : " A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. "
" Where did you get it ?"
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the friend hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely ( she was , after all, over 80 years old !), but politely asked what brands she preferred.
She replied : " It doesn't matter as long as it fits the Camel. "
The pharmacist fainted.

***

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Cred că poate fi postat aici, pentru că nu există categoria de bancuri bilingve. Şi, atenţie! oricum nu e banc.

În urmă cu vre-o zece ani, la partida de dublu din cadrul unui meci de Cupa Davis desfăşurat la Bucureşti, unul dintre protagonişti primeşte o minge taman în locul cel mai dureros, drept pentru care respectivul ia o poziţie caracteristică suferinţei îndurate, şi o grimasă însoţită de strigătul de rigoare.
In tribună se iscă oarece rumoare. Arbitrul avertizează: "Quiet, please!". Cum era de aşteptat, rumoarea se transformă într-un râs general, iar acelaşi arbitru continuă apoteotic: "New balls, please!"

+++++ French upgrade terror alert +++++

In light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaboration."

Dear Carol,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to
make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling
back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's
cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I
don't care about looking bad anymore.

I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe
it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what
my heart says: "There's no one like you, Carol." I look for you in the
eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that
just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body
mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you
see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she
have a better heart than my moderately attractive Carol? I doubt it. And
I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it
hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do
you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you! Jesus, Carol,
I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of
you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I
didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster
in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does
when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on
your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we
straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but
it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Carol ever
put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Carol, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all
I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And
that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into
the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I
pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the
bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting
inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Carol. In your heart you must know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances
away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love,

Don.

N-am avut timp sa ma uit peste toate, asa ca daca exista bancul, ma scuzati...

Imagine a toilet...two army dudes....one is a marine, the other navy....
After they do what they came to do, the marine wants to leave. The navy soldier sais:
- In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss!
The marine turns and sais:
- In the marines, they teach us NOT TO PISS ON OUR HANDS!

Cohones de Toro...

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

I can tell how a man makes love...

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Creation of a women (Guys you're going to love this one )

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. That was made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.

For macho men


Quiz: Are You a Real Man?


1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a- Lovemaking
b- Screwing
c- The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a- Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b- Your blood-test results
c- Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a- Your partner climaxes first
b-You both climax simultaneously
c- You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a- Healthy, creative love-play
b- Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c- Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a- The best part of the experience
b- The second best part of the experience
c- $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a- No concern of yours
b-Not a problem - she can join your gym
c- A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a- A myth
b-An oxymoron
c- A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a- Appetiser is to entree
b- Priming is to painting
c- A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a- "I hope we can still be friends."
b-"I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c - "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a- Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b- Is uptight and a waste of time
c- Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

BUMPER STICKERS

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves!
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
It works better if you plug it in.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.

Nu stiu daca a mai fost pe aici bancul asta dar e cel mai tare in engleza.

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they
all decided that they needed more information.
So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each
drug. After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- Who's there?
- It's Paul
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Paul?
- Hashish from Morocco.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Mark
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Marc?
- Marijuana from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Matthew
-Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Matthew?
- Cocaine from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's John
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, John?
- Ecstasy from Montreal.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Luke
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Luke?
- Speed from Amsterdam.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Judas
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Judas?
- FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!

An elephant asks a camel :

- "Why are your breasts on your back ?"
- " Well " says the camel , " I think it is a strange question from somebody who's dick is in his face"

Internal Memo (company name undisclosed)

Around 10:00 AM this morning, someone lit up a joint on the third floor, north side, strongly suggesting that it was someone from, say, the creative department.

Why is this a problem?

Well, for one, we had two clients and an important new business prospect in the building (something for which a number of people had worked well into the night). All the visitors were of an age that suggested they would easily identify marijuana, if encountered.

In short, this could have resulted in some serious financial setbacks, threatening people's jobs and well-being.

Beyond that, however, I am concerned for the person or people who feel it necessary to light up at such an hour. This is not good for you -- in either a personal
or a professional sense.

Please note that we emphatically pay you for what you do STRAIGHT here -- no matter what you may deliriously believe. We expect you to act accordingly, keep up your end of the deal, and will ask you to leave if you don't.

It's that simple.
The price of freedom, lack of censorship, and a championing of strange behavior is little bit of fucking judgment.
Please pay that price for me. For us all. Thank you.

A lecturer on the paranormal was addressing a class of university students. He began, "Today I'm going to discuss so-called ghosts. Before I begin, may I ask how many of you believe ghosts are real?"

About 100 hands went up.

"That's about typical," said the lecturer. "Now, how many of you believe you have seen ghosts?"

Several dozen hands went up.

"Again, that's about typical," said the lecturer. "How many of you have talked to ghosts?"

About 5 hands went up.

"Very good," said the lecturer, "about what I expected. Finally, some people claim ghosts come to them in their sleep and have sex with them. How many of you think you've had sex with ghosts?"

Only one hand went up.

"Hmm," said the lecturer, "would you please come up to the front of the room, so we can discuss this in front of the whole class?"

The young redneck went to the front of the room.

"This is amazing," said the lecturer. "You're the first person I ever met who would admit that he thinks he's had sex with ghosts. Would you tell us the details of how it happened?"

"Ghosts?" said the young man, "I thought you said goats!"

A very old man married a very young girl. Asked why he risked such disparity in ages, the octogenarian replied, " I'd rather spend the rest of my days smelling perfume than liniment."

***

A professor lecturing in Paris said, " There's very little difference between men and women."
"Vive la difference", shouted a Frenchman in the rear of the hall.

***

Credited to George Bernard Show : Fish and relatives begin to smell after three days.

***

A fellow said, " My boy won the prize in school today. The teacher asked how many legs a dog has. My boy said 'three' and won "
"He said three legs and he won ?"
"Yes. He was the closest to it."

***

One canibal, inviting another : " Why don't you come to my house tonight ? I'm having my mother-in -law for dinner."
"I don't like your mother-in-law."
" All right, then only eat the vegetables."

***

Thers is a tombstone with this epitaph on it :

Here lies the body of Dugan.
A bullet turned him to clay.
He lived the life of Riley
While Riley was away.

Sex test for a Redneck.

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False

A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on
your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject. The next day the boy
went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he
replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will
float to heaven. A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son
runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father ask "what are you
talking about?" "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling
'Oh God I'm coming'"
***

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a
plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between
her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what
he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!
What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to
drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking
for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Attention macho-men, beware of beer !

Female Hormones in Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a
young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love
...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and
continued to watch remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman -
she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town
to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
"Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer
Gaston's field making love".

The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old
remember ze young love, ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour!
Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!"

Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the
station. Since his police car was being serviced, he ran down to the
field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to
call the doctor:

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field and zere
is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is very
natural"

Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not
understand ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine
bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and
jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove
back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen
and said, "Ah, my friends, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead.
She is English."

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself,
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must
be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said:
- "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself,
"Well she doesn't work for Delta."
A few seconds later another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again:
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally
kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried:
"I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him:
- "Man, what the f*** do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair:
"Ahhh... TAROM !"

(Think about pronunciation)

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea!

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea!

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing a razorblade?
A: Still bloody no idea!

Yo Mama So Fat



Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Yo Mama So Fat (II)


Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

International Sex Talk

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”



What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.


Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)

RELIGION VIEWS OF LIFE
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says, shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Atheism: I don't belive this shit.
Agnosticism: What is this shit?

Rady...wow ce-am ris!

I got a good joke too...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

A very old man married a very young girl. Asked why he risked such disparity in ages, the octogenarian replied, " I'd rather spend the rest of my days smelling perfume than liniment."
***

A professor lecturing in Paris said, " There's very little difference between men and women."
"Vive la difference", shouted a Frenchman in the rear of the hall.

***

Credited to George Bernard Show : Fish and relatives begin to smell after three days.

***

A fellow said, " My boy won the prize in school today. The teacher asked how many legs a dog has. My boy said 'three' and won "
"He said three legs and he won ?"
"Yes. He was the closest to it."

***

One canibal, inviting another : " Why don't you come to my house tonight ? I'm having my mother-in -law for dinner."
"I don't like your mother-in-law."
" All right, then only eat the vegetables."

***

Thers is a tombstone with this epitaph on it :

Here lies the body of Dugan.
A bullet turned him to clay.
He lived the life of Riley
While Riley was away

Usual working day:




Wake up,
Nokia, Marlboro, Nescafe, Hochland, Colgate, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Minolta, Nokia, Marlboro, Nokia,
Nokia.
McDonalds, Marlboro, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Minolta, Nokia, Marlboro, Nokia, Nokia.
Renault.
Tuborg.
Tuborg.
Marlboro.
Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Marlboro.
Colgate.

Day is over.

Mental Hospital Hotline Answering Machine Message

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You will not be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons; you will just mess it up .

If you are a computer geek, press in rapid sequence *#428827429912# and the phone's uplink with the mainframe will be unlocked, allowing you to hack into our system.

If you are intoxicated, press 99999999999999999999999999999 and for God's sake! Don't drool on the keyboard!

A young man tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies "I don't like her."

What is the difference between girls aged : 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

***

A man went to the doctors and said, "Doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get a hard-on."
The doctor said, "I'm not surprised, your face looks like a cunt."

***
On the honeymoon, Harriet says to her new husband, "Eddie, how many Women have you slept with?"
He says, "If I tell you, you'll freak out."
She says, "No, I won't."
He says, "Okay. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...you...nine, ten, eleven, twelve, Thirteen...."

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

***
A guy says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine.
She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the
road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.

Yo mama so fat ... she uses your daddy as a dildo.


Yo mama so stupid ... when I told her I needed help with my employment she gave me a blow job.

Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the sh ! t out of you.

Men are like... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like... Blenders. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like... Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like...Department Stores.Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like...Government Bonds.They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Asta e interesant...cam sec da-i cu pileala:

Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other
and says, "Oy, where are you from?" The second man answers,
"I'm from Liverpool." The first man, surprised, replies, "No way! I'm from
Liverpool, too!
What high school did you go to?" The second man answers,
"St. Mary's." "Wow!" yells the first man. "ME, TOO!" "No way," says the second man.
"What year did you graduate in?" "Seventy-nine," says the first man.
"Oh, my LORD!" screams the second man, "I graduated in '79,too!"
"Oh, boy, it's gonna be a long night," sighs the bartender, turning to one of his
other customers.
"The Johnson twins are drunk again."


PS-Pt. BALAURU: se pace ca avem acelasi avatar; si tu esti mai vechi in forum; e simpatic, da`poti vorbi cu cineva sa-l schimbe pe al meu cu unul la fel de haios ? Sau poti sa-mi gasesti tu unul ? Multam

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him: "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets"
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds
and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy, what is "a couple"?
And he carries on a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina...,and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and
rape, paedophilia, gerontophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "sex"?
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A woman decided to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
The next morning, she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess you're 29?"
Nope,"she says, "I am actually 47." And now, she's really feeling good about herself.
While standing at the bus stop, she asks an old man the same question, but he replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As no one else was around, the woman agreed and let the old man slip his hand down her pants.
Two minutes later the woman says, "OK, that's enough. How old am I?"
"You're 47", said the old man. Stunned the woman says,
"Incredible! How did you do that?" To which the old man replied,
"I was behind you at McDonald's."

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his
wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of
some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to
discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night,
amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100? For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and
sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for
that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth
it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves
with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This
hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable
life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500."
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out
front and sees a 12-story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs.Trust
me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for
it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints
twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some
pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her
with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle
of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward,
"No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near
Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed,
"No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena
vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and
said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my
glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at
the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and
spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I
was born."




A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said:
"I've lost my wife here, in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, puzzled,
looked at him and replied:
"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!..."

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that......
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that......
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that.....
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ........
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!”

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.
He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.
So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back and forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.
Finally, the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean.
The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble-up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away.
So, the male whale swims over to her, and asks her, "What's wrong."
She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen."


We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this is what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did, we rolled together in the now damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, "Beheheeee", then re-joined the flock."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

What do you get if you cross a bulldog with a blonde ?
Your last blowjob.

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colours - green, red,orange blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said to him, " What's the matter, old timer ? Never done anything wild in your life ?"
The old man replied, " Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

What pissed me off?

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

For PC - freaks

Out of Office - Message

1. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

4. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am
out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at all.

5. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my
brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged
$5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection
and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

8. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. I've run away to join a different circus.

Mortal talks with God

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second...

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,

"The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. (Named Chico!)

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......(in that Mexican accent...)
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with
> a Russian about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
>
> American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
> get to work?"
> Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
> transportation everywhere."
> A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
> R: "We take the train."
> A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
> R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
> A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
> R: "We take tanks."

Cool ma,

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool. They were
enjoying the sun. Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:
Dude, How come people consider me a noisance, and you a pet?
How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me?
How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am considered
creepy and disgusting?
How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?

So the hamster answered: "It's branding, dude."