Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the
very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over
night.
So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm
that.
Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very
next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.So the
wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at
their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still
with
them.
Versiune completa:Bancuri Netraduse
NEW DICTIONARY
ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIP :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.
INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.
ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIP :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.
INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked:
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded:
"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a
young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again
replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence
attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked:
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded:
"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a
young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again
replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence
attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house. He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You FUCK her again!!!"
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house. He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You FUCK her again!!!"
The IRS Visit
Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.
"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."
Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.
"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."
THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN TODAY:
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter in! itiative s they have
the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter in! itiative s they have
the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
What is Effective Communication ????
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack
wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while
praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I
smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's
utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the
good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong
question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,
may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my
son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you
ask.
For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on
vacation..........?
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack
wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while
praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I
smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's
utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the
good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong
question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,
may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my
son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you
ask.
For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on
vacation..........?
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say "My God...."
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say "My God...."
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN!
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent ! anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..... Can we get naked now?"
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single intelligent women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent ! anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..... Can we get naked now?"
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single intelligent women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours
When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I'm unable to remember, what I chose.
My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" .
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.
Panties not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under...
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......
Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
Q: Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
A: Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard
disk.
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!.
My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" .
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.
Panties not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under...
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......
Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
Q: Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
A: Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard
disk.
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Men are like ......Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ..... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ..... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ......Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ..... Blenders ..You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ......Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ......Department Stores ....Their clothes are always ½ off.
Men are like .....Government Bonds ....They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like .... Mascara ..They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ....Popcorn ...They satisfy you , but only for a little while.
Men are like ....Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like .....Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like .....Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like ..... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ..... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ......Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ..... Blenders ..You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ......Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ......Department Stores ....Their clothes are always ½ off.
Men are like .....Government Bonds ....They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like .... Mascara ..They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ....Popcorn ...They satisfy you , but only for a little while.
Men are like ....Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like .....Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like .....Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
| QUOTE (Car names meaning:) |
| • AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented. • BMW - Big Money Works; Brutal Money Waster; Bimbette Motor Weapon; Break My Window. • BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer. • CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips; Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time; Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time; Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology. • DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere; Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere; Dead or Dying Gas Eater; Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express. • FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology; Fix It All the time; Fix it again, Tony! • FORD - First On Recall Day; Fixed Or Repaired Daily; First On Rust and Deterioration; Found On Road, Dead; Fast Only Rolling Downhill. • HONDA - Had One Never Did Again. • HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... • MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along. • PINTO - Put in new transmission often. • PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac. • SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown; Sorry Arsed Auto Builders. • TOYOTA -Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto. • VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object; Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners. • VW - Virtually Worthless. |
- What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
• They both go down in the name of the president.
• They both go down in the name of the president.
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"[i] Without hesitating, Joe said, [i]"Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."[i] Joe was incredulous, [i]"That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, [i]"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"[i] Without hesitating, Joe said, [i]"Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."[i] Joe was incredulous, [i]"That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, [i]"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Little Jamie was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the little boy was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jamie?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jamie tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Jamie patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!"
"My goldfish died," replied Jamie tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Jamie patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!"
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house.
He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You FUCK her again!!!"
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house.
He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You FUCK her again!!!"
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 under one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 under one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
Four chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emigrate to the US. In order to
get a visa, they had to adapt their names to american standards:
Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.
get a visa, they had to adapt their names to american standards:
Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.
Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug.
After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Paul."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Paul?"
- "Haschich from Morrocco."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Marc."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Marc?"
- "Marijuana from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Matthew?"
- "Cocaine from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, John?"
- "Ecstasy from Montreal."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Luke."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Luke?"
- "Speed from Amsterdam."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Judas?"
- "FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!"
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug.
After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Paul."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Paul?"
- "Haschich from Morrocco."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Marc."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Marc?"
- "Marijuana from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Matthew?"
- "Cocaine from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, John?"
- "Ecstasy from Montreal."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Luke."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Luke?"
- "Speed from Amsterdam."
- "Excellent, come in."
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Judas?"
- "FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!"
The Complete Military History of France
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"
The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."
The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
The man replied, "I don't have one officer."
"Of course you do," said the policeman.
"No sir, I don't," said the man.
"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
"Yes I'm afraid so sir."
Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."
The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."
"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.
"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"
"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
"Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"
"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe."
So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"
He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.
"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.
"I’ll be right there," said the chief.
In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?"
"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.
The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.
"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."
"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."
"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.
"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."
"Yes," said the man,
"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.
"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on Earth would I have a body in my trunk?"
"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."
"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding as well!"
The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."
The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
The man replied, "I don't have one officer."
"Of course you do," said the policeman.
"No sir, I don't," said the man.
"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
"Yes I'm afraid so sir."
Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."
The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."
"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.
"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"
"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
"Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"
"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe."
So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"
He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.
"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.
"I’ll be right there," said the chief.
In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?"
"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.
The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.
"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."
"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."
"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.
"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."
"Yes," said the man,
"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.
"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on Earth would I have a body in my trunk?"
"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."
"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding as well!"
<mage> What should I give my sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
We would like to inform you that, due to the introduction of the EURO from January 2nd 2002 the Kamasutra position usually known as 69 will now be known as 35.28.
Best Regards,
The Euro Changeover Board.
Best Regards,
The Euro Changeover Board.
A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:
DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!
At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:
DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!
DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!
At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:
DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!
English Girl
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!" The woman kept quiet
and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So,
honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
months to see if it is a girl !!!"
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!" The woman kept quiet
and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So,
honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
months to see if it is a girl !!!"
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Test Yourself : Are you a Neanderthal?
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? [+5]
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? [-5]
3. Got a chin? [if not, +3]
4. How about a forehead? [if not, +3]
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? [+5]
6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? [+10]
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? [+5]
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? [if not, +1 for every five degrees of slope]
9. Less than five feet tall? [+1 for every inch under]
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm? [+1 for every inch of difference]
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs. [+1 for every inch of difference]
12. Pigeon-toed? [+5]
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? [You're normal--no points.]
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? [+5]
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? [+15]
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? [+10]
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? [+5]
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? [+3]
Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? [+5]
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? [-5]
3. Got a chin? [if not, +3]
4. How about a forehead? [if not, +3]
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? [+5]
6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? [+10]
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? [+5]
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? [if not, +1 for every five degrees of slope]
9. Less than five feet tall? [+1 for every inch under]
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm? [+1 for every inch of difference]
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs. [+1 for every inch of difference]
12. Pigeon-toed? [+5]
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? [You're normal--no points.]
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? [+5]
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? [+15]
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? [+10]
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? [+5]
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? [+3]
Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.
Two italians at a bus stop, talking... The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention becomes focused when she hears one of them sayin':
"Emma come first.Den I come.Den two asses come together.I come
once more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee
twice then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed pig!!" hurls the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
"Emma come first.Den I come.Den two asses come together.I come
once more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee
twice then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed pig!!" hurls the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
This is a telephone conversation between a child and the Boss of
one of the parents...
An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for
work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
The small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the
child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked
the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle: "Me."
one of the parents...
An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for
work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
The small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the
child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked
the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle: "Me."
Glossary of PC Messages:
• It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
• It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
• It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
• It says: "Installing program to C:<Directory>...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."
• It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
• It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
• It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely."
• It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
• It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
• It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
• It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
• It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
• It says: "Installing program to C:<Directory>...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."
• It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
• It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
• It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely."
• It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
• It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going toBangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going toBangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth
"Herr Doktor, ich krieg' meine Vorhaut nimmer zurück" 
"Na, also sowas leiht man auch nicht her..."
"Na, also sowas leiht man auch nicht her..."
Kommt einer an die Himmelspforte: "Hör' mal Petrus, wie schaut's aus, möchte eine Superwolke"
"Gleich, mach'mer doch glatt"
"Na also, geht doch..."
Kriegt der Kerl seine eigene Wolke, guckt 'nüber,
sieht seinen ärgsten Feind mit einer Superblondine auf dem Arm und einer Flasche Cognac...
"Sag' mal Petrus, Du hast mich beschissen."
"Wieso??"
"Der Blödmann hat ein Superweib auf dem Arm, ich weiß doch daß er sein ganzes Leben ein einziges Arschloch gewesen ist, und noch dazu eine Flasche Cognac."
"Super-Himmel bei euch, muß ich aber schon sagen, Schnauze voll."
"Du siehst das vielleicht nicht richtig, die Flasche hat ein Loch und die Blondine keins..."
"Gleich, mach'mer doch glatt"
"Na also, geht doch..."
Kriegt der Kerl seine eigene Wolke, guckt 'nüber,
sieht seinen ärgsten Feind mit einer Superblondine auf dem Arm und einer Flasche Cognac..."Sag' mal Petrus, Du hast mich beschissen."
"Wieso??"
"Der Blödmann hat ein Superweib auf dem Arm, ich weiß doch daß er sein ganzes Leben ein einziges Arschloch gewesen ist, und noch dazu eine Flasche Cognac."
"Super-Himmel bei euch, muß ich aber schon sagen, Schnauze voll."
"Du siehst das vielleicht nicht richtig, die Flasche hat ein Loch und die Blondine keins..."
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
Es erscheint einem eine gute Fee, sagt sie: "Du bist ein lieber Mensch, ich will Dir eine Freude machen, hast einen Wunsch frei" 
"Oh cool...
ich möchte die Zeitung vom nächsten Montag, wg. der Lottozahlen" 
Zack!, hält er sie schon in der Hand, schaut drauf...
"Scheiße, schon wieder bloß 3 Richtige"...
.............
Ein Mann kommt in die Bank und geht an einen freien Schalter.
Eine durchgestylte, arrogant blickende Bankangestellte bedient ihn:
Sie: "Guten Tag, was kann ich für Sie tun?"
Er: "Ich will ein scheiss Konto eröffnen."
Sie: "Wie bitte?!??" Ich glaube, ich habe Sie nicht richtig verstanden!"
Er: "Was gibt's da zu verstehen, ich will in dieser Drecksbank einfach nur ein abgefuckt beschissenes Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Entschuldigen Sie, aber Sie sollten wirklich nicht in diesem Ton mit mir reden!"
Er: "Hör zu Puppe, ich will nicht mit Dir reden, ich will nur ein stinkendes scheiss Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Ich werde jetzt den Manager holen..." und rennt weg.
Weiter hinten sieht man sie dann aufgeregt mit einem gelackten Schlipsträger tuscheln, der daraufhin seine Brust schwellt und erhobenen Hauptes mit der Schalterangestellten im Schlepptau auf den Mann zugeht.
Manager: "Guten Tag der Herr, was für ein Problem gibt es?"
Er: "Es gibt kein verdammtes Problem, ich hab '20 Millionen im Lotto gewonnen und will dafür hier nur ein beschissenes blödes Konto eröffnen!"
Manager: "Aha, und diese Schlampe hier macht Ihnen Schwierigkeiten...??
"Oh cool...
ich möchte die Zeitung vom nächsten Montag, wg. der Lottozahlen" Zack!, hält er sie schon in der Hand, schaut drauf...
"Scheiße, schon wieder bloß 3 Richtige"...
.............
Ein Mann kommt in die Bank und geht an einen freien Schalter.
Eine durchgestylte, arrogant blickende Bankangestellte bedient ihn:
Sie: "Guten Tag, was kann ich für Sie tun?"
Er: "Ich will ein scheiss Konto eröffnen."
Sie: "Wie bitte?!??" Ich glaube, ich habe Sie nicht richtig verstanden!"
Er: "Was gibt's da zu verstehen, ich will in dieser Drecksbank einfach nur ein abgefuckt beschissenes Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Entschuldigen Sie, aber Sie sollten wirklich nicht in diesem Ton mit mir reden!"
Er: "Hör zu Puppe, ich will nicht mit Dir reden, ich will nur ein stinkendes scheiss Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Ich werde jetzt den Manager holen..." und rennt weg.
Weiter hinten sieht man sie dann aufgeregt mit einem gelackten Schlipsträger tuscheln, der daraufhin seine Brust schwellt und erhobenen Hauptes mit der Schalterangestellten im Schlepptau auf den Mann zugeht.
Manager: "Guten Tag der Herr, was für ein Problem gibt es?"
Er: "Es gibt kein verdammtes Problem, ich hab '20 Millionen im Lotto gewonnen und will dafür hier nur ein beschissenes blödes Konto eröffnen!"
Manager: "Aha, und diese Schlampe hier macht Ihnen Schwierigkeiten...??
A preacher was walking in the central market of his home town, when he heard a boy shouting:
"Dam fish, get your dam fish, get it while it's fresh!"
He walked to the boy an asked him: "Aren't you ashamed to shout such things? Don't you know it's not nice to swear? Especially in public!"
"Sir, it's nothing like that! I just caught this fish at the dam, so it's dam fish!"
"Oh, OK, then i'd like to buy some of your dam fish"
The preacher then went home and said to his wife:
"I bought some dam fish today, so maybe tou could cook it for lunch."
His wife was apalled and told him there was no way a preacher could speak like that, but the preacher told her about the boy fishing at the dam...
Finally, at lunch, the preacher with his wife and 15 year old son were sitting at the table and, after the prayer, the preacher said: "Now, let's eat the dam fish!" and his son replied: "That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
"Dam fish, get your dam fish, get it while it's fresh!"
He walked to the boy an asked him: "Aren't you ashamed to shout such things? Don't you know it's not nice to swear? Especially in public!"
"Sir, it's nothing like that! I just caught this fish at the dam, so it's dam fish!"
"Oh, OK, then i'd like to buy some of your dam fish"
The preacher then went home and said to his wife:
"I bought some dam fish today, so maybe tou could cook it for lunch."
His wife was apalled and told him there was no way a preacher could speak like that, but the preacher told her about the boy fishing at the dam...
Finally, at lunch, the preacher with his wife and 15 year old son were sitting at the table and, after the prayer, the preacher said: "Now, let's eat the dam fish!" and his son replied: "That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a (root) beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothin' wrong, you just left your injun running".
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothin' wrong, you just left your injun running".
A Chinese couple got married.
When a baby girl was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, the father named the baby SUM TING RONG.
When a baby girl was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, the father named the baby SUM TING RONG.
Asta am gasit in casuta de pe yahoo. Imi aminteste de gluma cu "Sunt un virus din X, dar, din cauza saraciei, tehnologia este foarte inapoiata in tara mea si nu sunt in stare sa fac nimic computer-ului dvs. Va rog frumos, daca sunteti bun(a), sa stergeti un fisier si sa pretindeti ca v-ati speriat , apoi trimiteti-ma la ceilalti utilizatori : multumesc" "Daer Yahoo! Mrebme,
Tihs emali was snet by the Y!ooha serevr to veriyf yruo bkna cdra information. Yruo bakn ask Yah!oo t od oso
buacese semo of thier mmebers no lregno hvae accses to eliam adsserdes on Ya!ooh and thye nede to vyfire you.
You mtsu complete tsih prsecos by clicknig on the lnik belwo:
and entreing yoru bnak ATM-Dbeit Cadr numbre and PNI ttah you use on AMT."
Doar copy si paste
"The Most Functional Word "
Well it's Shit ........ That's right, Shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider this :
You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck,
Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
Buy shit, sell shit,
Lose shit, find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit,
while others can't tell the difference between shit and shine.
There are lucky shits
Dumb shits,
Crazy shits,
and sweet shits.
There is bull shit,
Horse shit,
and chicken shit
you can throw shit,
Sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit,
or serve shit,
You can be happier than a pig in shit,
or You can find yourself in deep shit.
Some days are cold as shit,
some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plan shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit,
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit's creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes every thing you touch
turns to shit.
And others times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!
Well it's Shit ........ That's right, Shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider this :
You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck,
Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
Buy shit, sell shit,
Lose shit, find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit,
while others can't tell the difference between shit and shine.
There are lucky shits
Dumb shits,
Crazy shits,
and sweet shits.
There is bull shit,
Horse shit,
and chicken shit
you can throw shit,
Sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit,
or serve shit,
You can be happier than a pig in shit,
or You can find yourself in deep shit.
Some days are cold as shit,
some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plan shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit,
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit's creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes every thing you touch
turns to shit.
And others times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day
debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
....and so on and so on .
until finally the Greek says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"
debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
....and so on and so on .
until finally the Greek says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"
Aceasta este o versiune "Text-Only" a continutului acestui forum. Pentru a vizualiza versiunea completa, cu mai multe informatii, formatari si imagini,click aici.