Abuser's Behavior

Watch out for these behaviors in your partner. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs that this person may be an abuser. Note that the abuser can be male or female.

Jealous of time or resources you give others.

Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.

Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.

Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.

Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.

Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.

Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.

Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.

Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.


Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.

States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.

Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.

Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.

Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.

Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.

Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.

Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.

Won't go outside to smoke

Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.

Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.

Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.

Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.

Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.

Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.

Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.

Insists that their way is the "right way".

Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.

Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.

Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.

Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.

Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.

Considers your friends to be idiots.

Extremely opinionated and critical of others

Racist or sexist.

Dogmatic about behavior in others.

Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.

Has double standards for behavior.

Is rude to your family.

Dislikes your family.

Has "trouble" at work.

Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.

Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.

Believes that their boss treats them poorly.

Believes that their co-workers are working against them.

Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.

Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.

Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.

Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".

Is scornful of the government or the "system".

Uses illegal drugs.

Is very concerned about their public image.

Treats you better in public than in private.

Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.

Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.

Attempts to make you jealous or insecure

Threatens to leave you.

Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.

Compares you to previous lovers.

Admires strangers and compares you to them.

Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.

Is jealous and suspicious.

Accuses you of infidelity.

Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.

States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.

Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.

Rushes the relationship

Pressures you to move in together.

Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.

Proposes marriage early in the relationship.

Does not respect your privacy

Reads your diary or journal.

Opens your mail.

Goes through your drawers and desk.

Manipulates others to achieve their goals

Uses guilt trips.

Does things that are dishonest or illegal.

Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.

Lectures you endlessly until you agree.

Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.

Engages in "Road Rage".

Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.

Impatient

Is intolerant of children or animals.

Will not get up to feed or change the baby.

Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.

Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).

Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.

Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.

Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.

Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.

Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.

Lack of empathy

Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.

Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.

Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.

Cruel to animals.

Considers donations to charity a waste.

Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.

Turns up TV when you have a headache

Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach

Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.

Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.

Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.

Questions your ability to do simple things.

Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.

Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.

Calls you names.

Criticizes you openly.

Interferes with or attempts to control your career.

Pressures you to quit or change your job.

Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.

Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.

Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.

Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.

Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.

Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving

Strands you somewhere.

Gives you the "silent treatment".

Yells at you.

Lectures you.

Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.

Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.

Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.

SELF LIMITING ELEPHANTS

Elephants born in captivity are restrained by a chain that attaches one leg to a metal spike driven

into the ground. This prevents them from roaming. They become accustomed to the fact that, as

long as the chain and spike are next to them, they are unable to move.

As they grow older, their minds become programmed. When they see the spike and chain, they

"believe" and accept that they will not be able to move. They become so conditioned that when

their owners place a small rope and wooden peg next to them, they make no efforts to step away

from it, because they "believe" they are unable to.

In truth, their actual power as adults is so great that they could easily pull up a chain and spike of

any size. Their programming or "belief," however, allows this tiny rope and wooden peg to limit

their movement.

We are all very much like these elephants. We allow the weaknesses, fears and rejection we

experienced as children to program us into a life in which we lack power, peace, love and

happiness. We become controlled by false childhood assumptions we have made about our ability,

strength and self worth.

We can move away from these "pegs" of self-limitation, but we must chose to do so.

Living with a psychopath is like walking around in fog that NEVER clears, you can't find your way out of it, and you cannot understand why it's there. You may notice that when living apart from the psychopath for even a day the fog clears and you find you can breathe easier and think more clearly and in a more rational way.

Some survivors have stated that during their time of misery in the psychopaths grasp they displayed rashes all over their bodies, or developed OCD disorders. A lot of survivors have also noted that once the psycopath left so did their disorders.

I went through months of experiencing a rash, hives and itching all over my body that even the doctor could not understand. He attributed it to stress but I had no idea that the stress was caused by living with a Toxic Pyschopath

The Mask Of A Sociopath.

All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.

This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.

And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.

And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when…after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone…I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.

From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have…and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.

Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.

I equate the mask with a coin…beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.

I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful…seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.

After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).

They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you…that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.

It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone…within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again…unless there is something very specific they want from you.

And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.

It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human”…I prefer to think of them as aliens).

No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.

Shock Tactics Of The Pathological.



Please bear in mind that not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.



Psychopaths/Naricissists all use "shock tactics" , why? because they work! that's why, it enables the psychopath to get what he wants from his victim(s)


They shock you by reacting to a situation in a way that spins your head ,for example: like seeing an apple fall up a tree would or going to shake the hand of someone and they bend down to tie their shoelace at that precise moment you have reached out your hand.

This is to disarm and confuse you pretty much in the way a robber would hit his target on the head before he robs them of their property.


You are for all intents and purposes, intellectually incapacitated, perplexed. the you try and figure out what's "just happened" you are disarmed, because you don't know what is going on. Your mouth hits your chin and you think there must be some sort of misunderstanding, a mistake. So you try to make heads or tails of it and try to smooth it over.


The next thing you know , you have been run over by a speeding freight train. This is called a "Shock Tactic"

Shock tactics prove that seeing isn't always believing, because afterwards you wonder if you imagined it, or think you span must have missed something.


The psychopaths behaviour was so bizarre that you cannot believe it happened especially when he seems to normal a few minutes after the incident.

Denial - that is the typical reaction. to act like it didn't happen. That's what normal people do when they can't get their minds around something. In this case, it's a big mistake, because that is exactly what the psychopath/narcissist wants.

Then it never happened, you see. His crazy behaviour never happened. Really. He never abused you. Really.

Never forget for a moment, that the narcissist "isn't all there": he lives in the Looking Glass, the Land of Pretend, where acting makes it so. Truth has no relevance in that world. It doesn't even exist. The next day he acts like it didn't happen. That's his way of saying, "let's pretend it didn't happen" When you play along and act like it didn't happen, it didn't happen & thus the narcissists slate is clean, and he's not a crackpot.


So it's no wonder that narcissists like shock tactics when they discover how well they work at getting people into denial and Acting Like It Didn't Happen


This is especially true when they hear idiots commenting "Look, today he's acting like nothing happened. Well, okay, he has a terrible temper, but he's basically a good person, because see? he doesn't carry a grudge" the narcissist thinks "Give that idiot an award!"







The Three Elements To A Narcissists Shock Tactics

* Perversity

* Extremism

* Surprise

Perversity in the strictest sense of the word, is , "throughly twisted" In other words, perverse behaviour is not just odd, aberrant , or off course: It is backwards or upside down, the antithesis of what would be appropriate.




A perverted reaction to something shocks us, it is the opposite of what we expected. It also disarms us, because, in our interactions with others, we act with a view to the reaction we can expect in return. For example, you don't tell someone you love them to make them mad at you. If this is the first time you have told that person you love them, you might not know what to expect, but anger isn't one of the possibilities you have in mind. So, when the narcissist reacts with anger, you are stunned!




Usually we do know what to expect , and when we are wrong, there is normally some logical reason for it. for example: Sometimes we get an unexpected reaction because we didn't see the action from the reactor's point of view.




Yet certain behaviours are so universal that we know what to expect even from a stranger with a different language and culture. Or even from an animal. For example: showing love evokes affection. Doing a favour evokes gratitude, appeasement evokes peace.


Eg:

When you try to bring peace to a situation by appeasing the narcissist, he will spit back in your face and rage at you

When you show love to the narcissist , he will push you away

When you do a favour for the narcissist he will not acknowledge it .

The narcissist reacts with hatred , resentment and aggression instead of reacting in what should evoke: affection, gratitude, and peace.



He is vicious, violent (physically or verbally) he is like a child who cannot restrain his own behaviour. The only reign on it is what he thinks he can get away with. So , behind closed doors with his family or a lone employee, he goes over the top in wanton meanness. It makes him feel as unbounded as God.


Lastly, "the element of surprise". His temper flares in a fraction of a second and unexpectedly, for some anti-reason.


The narcissists shock tactics are a device, that's all. This type of reaction is called "An Insult". An insulting reaction for example: You throw water on a fire to put it out...only to have it flare up into a raging fire that vaporizes the water.


In other words, an insult is a blow back reaction, one that flies in the face of the stimulus. A narcissists perverted reactions to things are insults, and they do insult you, they work!. For example: you try to appease him when he gets mad about something, instead of cooling off he does the opposite and flies into a rage over what you just said and attacks you all more vehemently.



The narcissist cannot help but discover at an early age that normal people are taken aback by such absurd behaviour.



Why do narcissists do this? there is only one reason: he wasn't angered by anything in the first place. That is, his anger wasn't a defensive reaction to anything you did. If it were, he would cool off when you try to appease him, because his purpose is achieved. He takes your attempt to appease as a sign of weakness and revs up his engines, getting much madder. His objective is to run you over.



Narcissists are amoral, so since shock tactics get them what they want, they use them. That's really all there is to it. Nothing deep, smart or fascinating about it. Even a dog learns to growl and act ornery if it gets what it wants that way.


The moment you deviate from the narcissists script, he snarls like a dog, in other words: the moment you start acting like his equal or as though you deserve anything. His sudden surliness at such moments is just his way of saying "don't go there." as if he were herding stray cattle back in the right direction. Play along, say or do nothing that contradicts his lies and delusions. it's hard enough to believe them, and you are hurting him if you are not helping him believe them.


Let's say the narcissist has gone off about something. You try to smooth it over by saying, "Oh , come on. Let's not fight. I didn't mean anything by that, really. i'd never want to hurt you"


He gets madder and madder yet.


Why? because that isn't what he wants you to do. You still are not playing along with his script in Pretend. You didn't admit any wrongdoing. What you said to appease him doesn't appease him because it doesn't reflect on him as grand and on you as a guilty , despicable thing.


The narcissist is a mental three-year-old who knows only one trick: "Throw a temper tantrum whenever people aren't doing what you want them to do, and keep throwing it until they get it right"

People are perplexed by off-the-wall reactions to things, they cannot imagine why anyone would do that. Even seeing it happen doesn't quite make them believe it because it's too crazy to really have happened so we go into denial about it.

Normal people would never degrade themselves by behaving in this childish manner, they don't realize that the narcissist is different - a being with a towering ego and zero self respect , who therefore is not above behaving childish, irrationally, or insanely on purpose..... just to get his way with you.

Because he never has to know he's doing that. He can forever not know he's doing that. That's what his Magical Thinking Machine is for.....Playing Pretend.

Scuze dar in descrierea aia e 99.99% din populatia planetei: soti, soate, amanti ,soacre, etc etc.

Who Am I?










I am your neighbour , your brother, your sister, your father, your mother and child. I am your therapist, your architect, your school teacher and friend. I am your husband, your lover, a student & politician. I am your banking advisor, your accountant, and little league coach, your doctor, your dentist, your preacher.


I come from all walks of life and manipulation is my game. I am the master of mind games and like any champion I know and study my opponents well.


I am good looking , successful and charming. I disregard all consequences of my actions, I live on the edge and deny myself nothing.


Magnetic, electrifying, convincing and powerful. When I walk into a room all eyes gravitate to me.


I can sweep you off your feet, wine and dine you and promise you the earth even though I will never deliver, this is the bait, the hook with which to reel you in, they are but empty promises.


I am shallow and callous, cruel and hostile, with a deep seated rage everything and everyone around me are potential targets and opportunities.


I am oblivious and indifferent to the devastation I cause. My ultimate goal is the creation of the next willing victim. I am toxic, a disease, a plague on your life that will sweep through like a violent hurricane destroying all that lay at your feet.


I demand obedience, belief in my greatness and complete subjugation to all my whims , needs and attention.


I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, no matter what I will have my own way. I take what I want when I want it.


I am hostile and domineering, I humiliate my victims, they are an instrument to be used and abused. Objects I can move and position to my satisfaction.


I have no morals, no values, no responsibilities. I am here to be pleased not to please.


I am unmoved and cold by tales of grief, I am neither genuine nor sincere but I can cry and feign emotion as good as any great actor in Hollywood but at the core is only my hate, rage and jealousy.


I cannot relate to anothers pain and suffering, but I can dish it out. I let nothing stand in my way, no challenge is too great for me. In my book the end always justifies the means.


I strategically plan how to break you down, and use anything I can against you. If something is important to you I will deprive you of it, I will make you jump through hoops to get it. I will dangle the prize in front of you and make you run for it.


Anything I might do for you comes at a price, my attention is costly and is a debt that has to be paid to me in full. You must be grateful and eternally obedient. I will never inform you that your debts won't ever be satisfied. I collect back the high interest you owe me.


The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you are waiting & hoping for won't ever be there.


When I inflict pain on you, I enjoy it , it is the ultimate fix, the ultimate drug induced high to see you suffer and know that I have that power and control over you. This is my sick addiction.


I can play the with-holding game , the forgetting game , the martyr game , the lying game , the devaluation game, the deflecting and projecting game. I can do them all, there are no limits to the games I can play and I will always come out the winner.


I am covert, overt, obsessive and shallow. I am the puppet master to your strings, when I pull you must dance. I am sadistic, jealous and cruel. I am secretive, private and sly. I am passive and aggressive, I am boastful and proud.


I am a parasite, a criminal, unreliable, a con. . I am egotistical , glib and superficial. I am Jekyll and Hyde all rolled into one.


You will degrade yourself for me, you will slim down or fatten up, grow your hair long or cut if off, you will wear the clothes I choose. You are to be pruned, clipped and designed, like any great artist I will only be seen with the best.


My fist is designed to teach you. If you didn't do something to my standards or you ignored my requests you will be punished until you get it right. I am unforgiving, a miser and a brute.


When you cry I laugh, when you're sad I rage, when you're happy I am angry, and when you're beaten down with no self esteem , no hope and no way out I am happy, satisfied & content , I am God in these moments.


I can sniff the vulnerable a mile away. I will devour you and suck the life force from you in a matter of moments. I seek out the vulnerable, weak, the broken and the destitute.


I am your knight in shining armour, I showed you pity and gave you attention when life was unbearable, I saved you from your miserable existence, I will always be owed and never owing.


You will ALWAYS need me, you will never survive without me, I am your rock, your protector , your punisher and your lover. I will tell you whatever you want to hear, as long as you carry on doing what I want.


You are a purchase, an object, a product, a toy.


If you dare achieve anything of merit I will take the credit away from you and punish you severely, I will mock you, put you down and rage at you until you understand that I am the only one who deserves such praise, award and adulation.


When you are focusing on yourself you are not focusing on me , and this makes me angry. I am not on top of the pedestal where I belong.



Any friends you have I will order you drop, any attention spent on friends and family is attention that could be spent on me. If you do not comply I will write and speak lies about you to them, I will turn them against you and isolate you until you comply with my wishes.



All eyes should be on me at all times, when they are not I will turn on you in an instant like a rabid dog and rip your ideas, thoughts and opinions apart.



I cannot change, I cannot reform, I cannot feel pity or remorse. I have no conscience , No empathy, not even a morsel of compassion for you. I am completely amoral. I am contradictory and my hypocrisy knows no bounds.



I am a hypocrite, what I say and what I do are two very different things. You must learn I am always right. I know how to do everything better. I know the answer to all of the world's biggest problems.


My public image is everything to me, how I am perceived by others is extremely important. I am admirable, gentle, kind, loving, humble and successful.


I twist the facts to suit myself, I rewrite history where I see fit and you must believe it at all costs. I embellish, Omit and dramatise everything to suit my needs.


I refuse to listen , if anyone did anything wrong it was you and not me. I am always the victim and never the abuser.



I am a great big projection machine and I will deflect and project any evil or bad behaviour back onto you, because you see , You are the problem not me.



You will seek my approval in everything 24 hours a day , 7 days a week. You have no personal identity, you are what I make you. You are to back down and keep quiet and doubt yourself daily. You will hold the belief that you have to try harder to please me. Any opinions you hold will have to match mine. I will accept nothing less.


I am unable and unwilling to behave any differently. I am judgmental, slanderous , fickle and critical. I am haughty, arrogant and envious. I am seductive , repulsive , an addict.


I covet success, power, brilliance and beauty. What I haven't already acquired I will take from others. If I want it, it's mine.


I am special, unique and above punishment, reform or repentance. I cannot and will not be judged.


If you do not produce and live up to my expectations I shall bore of you , I will dispose of you in any way that is of greatest benefit & pleasure to me. I care not if you cannot produce due to my punishments or if you are too old to comply, sick or infirm, all that matters to me is replacing you with a newer , more co-operative model that will meet my needs.


You cannot escape me , I will be the thorn in your side, the pebble in your shoe. I will forever consider you to be the person who failed me, who abandoned my needs. Even years after I leave you I will still watch you, harass you, tell lies about you and name and shame you. You are my unfinished business that I intend to collect upon.


I am a leader, a preacher, a schoolteacher, a scientist, an actor, a doctor, a nurse, a salesman and your mayor. I am everywhere in society, I am in your church, in your schools, and in your home.


I am the alpha and omega. Everything begins and ends with me


I may look human, I have all the characteristics of one, My skin , hair, blood and all that defines me as a human is just a disguise. It is a mask of sanity.


So who am I?

come closer and I'll tell you.


I am the wolf in sheep's clothing and you my dear are the prey.

Why The Narcissist Hates You for Achieving Success


When or if you achieve some level of success in life, whether as big as a prestigious award or as small as a compliment , the narcissist is going to hate you for it. You can bet your money on that one. Obviously, success draws its share of admiration, but it's guaranteed to rouse some hate as well. So why does the narcissist hate you when are successful? I think there are four basic reasons.

The first and most obvious reason is that they are jealous. The narcissist in particular can't stand anyone else's prosperity. They are naturally resentful of it. They always believe/wish/ it was them instead of you, he feels more entitled to it than you. Funny thing, though, they never wish for any of your hardships, losses, disappointments, pain, illnesses, or anything of the like. And they conveniently ignore all the hard work that paved the way for your success. They just focus on the fact that you acquired something good that they didn't, think you didn't deserve – and they don't like it.


The second reason is that your success often makes them look bad. It might increase the standards for which they will be judged in the future. They are satisfied with the status quo and you are ruining things for them. You are rocking the boat. You are upsetting the applecart. Because of you, they might be forced out their comfort zone. They may actually be challenged to improve themselves. Their life of ease my soon be shaken up. That's not what they want. They always want to be number 1, the most important.


The third reason is that they might not think you are deserving of success, for whatever reason. They may feel that success came too easy for you and that, because of your natural ability, you didn't have to work as hard as they would have to, in order to gain comparable achievements. They may think you are not credentialed enough for the success you have achieved. For example, some people will automatically dismiss your accomplishments because you don't have what they feel is the right amount of education or experience. They may think you are not good enough, pedigreed enough, or from the right kind of family or background. They have a mental image of what a successful person should be or look like – and you're not it.. but guess what? they believe they are!

The fourth and final reason is familiarity. They say it breeds contempt, and this is especially true for someone who has achieved a certain level of success. The Bible says (and I'm paraphrasing now) that successful people can find respect anywhere except within their own family or hometown. There they often find nothing but resentment. For example, people might say something like, "Isn't this the same old Jim I grew up with, went to school with, and partied with – who does he think he is now?" For some reason, they have an image of you (pre-success) burned into their psyche and they just can't remove it. They apparently see your success as a form of betrayal – a betrayal of the person you used to be or still are in their mind. Go figure!


Narcissists feel the same way about YOU! if someone compliments you on your style, work, children, life, looks or personality the narcissist is immediately jealous and later on you might find this is his reason for raging at you or putting you down with nasty remarks (Out of earshot of any witnesses of course)

The narcissist wants the spot light, he craves the favourable attention and doesn't want to share it with someone he looks down on / a lesser pedigree... turns out that is you (in his eyes of course)

He will say and do everything possible to diminish his victim, the abuser seeks to feel superior to, and in control of, his mate, with the motivation that she becomes so downtrodden and powerless she would not be able to leave him - or override him in the success stakes, all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that his behavior may, over time, produce the opposite effect."

To the pathological personality it isn't just about how successful you are! it's about power and control! he wants you to go back to being the insignificant being you were before, the needy desperate being who believed all his lies and BS stories. Once you start to lead your own life, and start down the path of success, the narcissist feels the stab of a psychological injury to his ego/ the self.

When you become successful (and "successful" can be anything, such as a compliment, certification or small award) he will retaliate by:

* Sulking
* Refusing to talk
* Withdrawing affection
* Strutting and posturing
* Stomping out
* Walking away

* Denial of anger and abuse: The abuser will deny the partner's reality and the abuser's fault.

* Trivializing: The abuser acts as though the partner's opinions, thoughts, actions, or concerns are trivial or don't count.

* Judging and criticizing: The abuser puts down the partner's thoughts, feelings, or actions.

* Blocking and diverting: The abuser purposefully creates barriers to the partner's efforts to communicate and will change the conversation to gain control.

* Name calling: The abuser tries to strip away the partner's dignity and identity and replaces it with a foul name.

* Chronic forgetting: The abuser regularly "forgets" or is regularly late for appointments, agreements, incidents and other important events to the partner.

He will try to sabotage your every move, crushing you under his boot heel , only to put himself back above you in the success stakes. Like a 6 year old throwing a tantrum such is the life with a narcissist....day in ....day out...
And remember it isn't about you, it's all about HIM!

Types Of Emotional Abuse.


What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.






Types of Emotional Abuse



Abusive Expectations

* The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
* It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
* But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
* You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.





Aggressing

* Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.

* Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.





Constant Chaos

* The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.

* The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.





Denying

* Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)

* The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.

* The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.

* Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

* When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.

* Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

* Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.





Dominating

* Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
* When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.






Emotional Blackmail

* The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
* This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.





Invalidation

* The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation






Minimizing

* Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.

* Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.





Unpredictable Responses

* Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

* This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

* An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.




Verbal Assaults

* Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
* Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
* Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.



Understanding Abusive Relationships


No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feeling and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even conformable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abuser are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, specially those with family members and other significant people, is a fist step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an "abuser" in some instances and as a "recipient" in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to "help" others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.

Obsessive Ex Syndrome








There are some people who are unable to mentally "let go" of a partner after a break-up. At first it just seems like a difficult breakup. They keep calling, keep visiting, keep arguing and trying to reconcile.

Then they're following, stalking or threatening their ex-partner.

Then vandalizing belongings, or escalating to personal violence, or killing the partner's pets.

Left unaddressed, in extreme cases the syndrome may progress to the point that the ex kidnaps or kills their children, resorts to murder, or commits suicide.

It is important to recognize this syndrome in its early stages and take preventive steps. The longer the obsession persists without interruption or intervention, the more the obsessor will lose contact with reality.


Six Stages Of Obsessive Ex Syndrome

Not all stages occur in all cases -- however, when looking back, some stages may become apparent in retrospect:




Stage 1 - Courtship

The Obsessive male has identified that a certain woman makes him feel important and powerful. He lays on all the charm he possibly can to show how wonderful he is. On a subliminal level he tests how much control he can begin to effect over her life and activities. If he finds that she can be manipulated, she becomes even more attractive to him as a potential partner.





Stage 2 - Relationship

The Obsessive male establishes his mate as a main symbol of his view of himself as the center of the world. He establishes control over her life and activities, or battles with her for control over these things. He uses any ploy to maintain control of their world; he may use deceit, money, intimidation, violence.





Stage 3 - Break-Up

The Obsessive Ex will not accept that his partner has decided the relationship is over. In his view, that is not her decision to make. He argues with her incessantly. He employs any means possible to re-establish his control over her.

If there is a child involved, the child becomes (for him) an object that he uses to try to regain power. He may use visitation arrangements as a tool to harangue the woman.




Stage 4 - Stalking

The Obsessive Ex keeps trying to arrange contact or have conversations with her, even though she has indicated there is nothing left to discuss. Stalking behavior may also include following, watching, spying, monitoring, asking other people about her or spreading rumors about her, increasing contact with her friends, family or co-workers, etc.

(Many people do not recognize stalking for what it is. Friends, co-workers, and family members may not be supportive of the woman; they will see the Ex's behavior as unimportant and assume that he will stop this behavior soon.)





Stage 5 - Threats

The Obsessive Ex now tries to employ intimidating contact, threats, or illegal interference to force the woman to come back to him.

He may also may vague statements about the safety of her child, or threaten to kidnap her child if she does not reconcile with him.

Physical aggression includes trying to stand in her way, block her path, or walk toward or advance upon her while yelling -- it is not the same thing as physical contact (violence).

This is the stage at which it usually, finally becomes obvious to the woman's friends, co-workers and family members, that her Ex has become a serious problem.





Stage 6 - Violence

Since the Obsessive Ex views other people and animals primarily in terms of how useful they are to him, he sees them more as objects than live beings. At this stage he is willing to kill a pet, abduct a child, murder a child, or murder the woman, in order to regain his feelings of control and power. He needs to feel like he is in control and he will do anything to accomplish it.







How Obsessive Ex Syndrome blocks a Normal Break-Up

During a normal break-up, an ex-partner may ask for several more discussions or meetings, to try to regain their loved one. A balanced person will eventually realize that the relationship is indeed over, and cease trying to repair the relationship.

An obsessive ex does not see a break-up the same way.




1. The Obsessive Ex may not even believe a break-up is in progress.

The Obsessor may think this is simply a more serious argument than usual, and decide they're supposed to keep contacting the partner until the argument is over and the partner takes them back. Even when at the point of stalking, Obsessors often still view themselves as a current partner who is simply waiting for an argument to be over.




2. The Obsessive Ex views their partner primarily as an object to support their own self-image, not as a human being.

The Obsessor's approach to the relationship has been what they themselves get out of it -- whether THEY are satisfied with the relationship. If the partner wants to leave, this is inconvenient for the Obsessor! They want the partner around to dominate, to make the Obsessor feel powerful. They didn't particularly care whether the partner was happy with them; they only cared that they preferred to have the partner around.





3. The Obsessor has an irrational "Sense of Entitlement".

Once the leaving partner decides to value personal individual needs first, the Obsessor is infuriated. The partner's act of "rebellion" does not fit into their world view -- that of the Obsessor as the center.





4. The Obsessor wants to punish their ex-partner.

Obsessors can't let a connection end completely, because they may believe themselves to have been so wronged that they "need" to punish or seek revenge against the leaving partner. Even in cases where an Obsessor was wronged in some way, their desire for justice and how long they cling to these emotions (to the detriment of their own life and others' lives), is completely out of proportion to what injustices may have occurred.

...mmmmm...trei intrebari de fond:

1. cui apartine textul ?
2. e supus comentariilor ?
3. esti de acord cu afirmatiile ?



....multumesc; functie de raspunsurile tale am putea continua o dezbatere foarte interesanta...

PS...precizare...am vazut niste autori din cand in cand, dar numele lor nu imi spun nimic...pe de alta parte, unele texte sunt in italic (ceea ce in limbaj universal insemna citat) ..altele in caractere ce ar putea sugera paternitatea textului....

Acest topic a fost editat de The Dude: 30 Apr 2014, 09:39 AM

Mafrend, textele sunt fragmente din ce studiez eu la vremea asta. Pemtru discutii pe tema putem deschide un topic separat. Textele sunt copy-paste la repezeala, nu sunt ale mele in nici un caz... m-am grabit ieri si a iesit o varza .

Turbo - putem discuta pe un topic separat ca sa nu stricam jurnalul

.... ...s-a facut Topic Nou: Narcisism !...



* la Odai in Dialog, by The Dude

Acest topic a fost editat de The Dude: 30 Apr 2014, 01:28 PM

Dude mafrend, multumesc!

*

back to work dupa un weekend prelungit in care am facut de toate, inclusiv am meditat si am inceput o noua tura de decluterizare.

daddy a venit sa vada copiii si sa petreaca timp cu ei. s-a intamplat sa apara la ora mesei.

cand a intrat in casa eu aveam friptura pe foc. S-a bucurat de mirosul de friptura de porc cu voce tare. La masa a reflectat cum ca n-a mai mancat carne de porc in ultima vreme. Masa s-a terminat fara incidente.

Cateva observatii se cuvin:
1. Carnea nu era de pork, era de vita.
2. Timp de ~10 ani cat am fost impreuna a refuzat constant sa manance carne de vita. Daca cumva faceam vreo ciorba de vita, avea grija sa nu se atinga de nici o bucata de carne... si sa astepte desigur si un fel doi, pentru ca o zeama chioara nu tine de foame.
3. carnea de vita are alt miros, gust si consistenta decat cea de pork...

incidentul a aparut cand ne-am ridicat de la masa, dar mi-e lehamite sa-l povestesc.

Scuze ca dau buzna in jurnalul tau insa chestia asta cu mancatul ciorbei in care a fiert totusi carne de vita nu se incadreaza in nici o logica ...
Nu ma pot abtine sa nu pun intrebarea : intr-un final i-ai spus ce a servit?

Nu i-am spus ce a servit - nu mai joc demult in piesa lui de teatru absurd.

tu chiar crezi ca un om la jumatatea vietii nu stie din ce animal e friptura pe care o mananca?
iar daca nu stie, cum se face ca a refuzat 10 ani sa o consume?

Acest topic a fost editat de Felina: 7 May 2014, 12:40 PM

s-ar incadra la urmatoarea logica: imi place gustul, dar nu imi place consistenta carnii, e prea tare/atoasa/batoasa etc.


dar totul depinde de conjunctura... cateodata e pur si simplu convenabil sa te prefaci ca nu stii ce mananci... depinde din ce parte bate vantul, cum te-ai trezit de dimineata, ce planuri ai peste zi... etc.



Acest topic a fost editat de Felina: 7 May 2014, 12:42 PM

si ca tot suntem la capitolul carne... sa vorbim despre copanelele de pui. pe care copanele de pui a refuzat constant sa le consume la mine in casa. motive exista intotdeauna... nu-i place gustul, carnea e prea inchisa la culoare si prea aproape de os etc. bun.

cand am mancat odata in oras la un fel de eat "all you can" unde puteai sa pui pe platou ce iti dorea sufletul din bufetul cald si rece, a pus pe platoul lui SI un copanel rece.

care ar fi problema?

ar fi doua:

1. el nu mananca copanele de fel.
2. el nu mananca carne/friptura rece.

Dar numai cand ii convine.

Confruntat cu problema mi-a explicat ca copanelul ala venea gratis, de aia l-a luat pe platoul lui.

Iar daca fac o criza de nervi de frustrare, e cazul sa consult un psihiatru. pa-bam!

you gotta lov'im!

Cand vrei sa te joci cu mintea cuiva, tocmai asta trebuie sa faci, gesturi care sfideaza logica...

din aventurile culinare ale lui praslea:

banana cu gogonele
lapte cu cacao si biscuiti + masline verzi
prajiturele cu ciocolata + carnati
scone + ketchup

zice - pot mami? pot? sa vad cum e. daca nu imi place nu mai mananc.

E nevoie de doi pentru un joc si nu totul e logic in viata. Si ca contraexemplu niciodata nu ma mananc la fosta acasa, sa nu ma otraveasca.

uite, vezi, la otrava nu m-am gandit niciodata...

Pai vezi ca e bine sa fii paranoic?

Țțțțțțțțț....... ..io am avut o cunostinta care a mierlit-o asa..si l-au declarat decedat in somn, desi nevasta-sa il indopase la greu cu tot felul de chestii...s-a zis ca a murit de asfixie..Dar dupa o vreme, soata a inceput sa aiba remuscari si s-a spart la gura pe la niste prietene cu inalt simt civic (cea mai naspa categorie de prieteni, mult inaintea celor fatarnici).


a venit gaboru si procuratura si a fost o deshumare...apoi s-a lasat cu legatorie.
Perdant a mai iesit si un pusti de vreo 14 ani, care a ramas solo.


In foto se lucreaza intens cu fericianura de potasiu, din care mai am cate ceva prin laborator, insa stiu mai multe retete, la indemana, simplu si ...cu urme greu de depistat

Acest topic a fost editat de The Dude: 9 May 2014, 02:04 PM

Asta imi aminteste de Umberto Eco, care atunci cand se documenta pentru romanul sau "numele trandafirului" a intrebat un medico legal de renume, daca exista otravuri ce pot ucide prin contact-atingere...nu prin ingerare, inoculare...alea, alea.

In proiectul cartii mai multi oameni trebuiau sa moara numai prin rasfoirea unui volum sacru...

medico legalu, deformat profesional, s-a gandit ca Eco pune la cale cine stie ce, si l-a dat pe goarna, de saracul profesor de semantica era cat pe ce sa isi scrie romanul intr-o incapere mult mai mica, mai putin dotata si cu ferestre in carouri...

am citit o fabula interesanta... fluturele si paianjenul deghizat in fluture

o mica disputa de dimineata si ma simt putin ratacita.

Am luat pranzul undeva in natura. Cand am plecat, doua muste faceau dragoste pe geamul masinii.
Cand am ajuns in parcare, erau tot pe geam si nu schimbasera pozitia . Dragostea, marea forta care face totul posibil!

inca o faza si mi s-a umplut paharul IT. e timpul sa merg mai departe si sa imi urmez adevarata inclinatie. exciting times ahead!

...nici n-au prea multe posibilitati saracele...compenseaza cu declaratii tandre in schimb.

......ca tot veni vorba: Din viata mustelor !

ma simt ametita. vineri am fo la doftor. sper sa imi treaca curand.