<mage> What should I give my sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.

We would like to inform you that, due to the introduction of the EURO from January 2nd 2002 the Kamasutra position usually known as 69 will now be known as 35.28.

Best Regards,
The Euro Changeover Board.

A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:


DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

English Girl

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!" The woman kept quiet
and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So,
honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
months to see if it is a girl !!!"

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Test Yourself : Are you a Neanderthal?

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? [+5]

2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? [-5]

3. Got a chin? [if not, +3]

4. How about a forehead? [if not, +3]

5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? [+5]

6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? [+10]

7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? [+5]

8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? [if not, +1 for every five degrees of slope]

9. Less than five feet tall? [+1 for every inch under]

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm? [+1 for every inch of difference]

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs. [+1 for every inch of difference]

12. Pigeon-toed? [+5]

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? [You're normal--no points.]

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? [+5]

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? [+15]

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? [+10]

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? [+5]

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? [+3]


Scoring

0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.

Two italians at a bus stop, talking... The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention becomes focused when she hears one of them sayin':
"Emma come first.Den I come.Den two asses come together.I come
once more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee
twice then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed pig!!" hurls the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

This is a telephone conversation between a child and the Boss of
one of the parents...

An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for
work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

The small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the
child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked
the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle: "Me."

Glossary of PC Messages:

• It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

• It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

• It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

• It says: "Installing program to C:<Directory>...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."

• It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

• It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

• It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely."

• It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

• It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

CHINESE PROVERBS


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going toBangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth

"Herr Doktor, ich krieg' meine Vorhaut nimmer zurück"
"Na, also sowas leiht man auch nicht her..."

Kommt einer an die Himmelspforte: "Hör' mal Petrus, wie schaut's aus, möchte eine Superwolke"
"Gleich, mach'mer doch glatt"
"Na also, geht doch..."
Kriegt der Kerl seine eigene Wolke, guckt 'nüber, sieht seinen ärgsten Feind mit einer Superblondine auf dem Arm und einer Flasche Cognac...
"Sag' mal Petrus, Du hast mich beschissen."
"Wieso??"
"Der Blödmann hat ein Superweib auf dem Arm, ich weiß doch daß er sein ganzes Leben ein einziges Arschloch gewesen ist, und noch dazu eine Flasche Cognac."
"Super-Himmel bei euch, muß ich aber schon sagen, Schnauze voll."
"Du siehst das vielleicht nicht richtig, die Flasche hat ein Loch und die Blondine keins..."

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Es erscheint einem eine gute Fee, sagt sie: "Du bist ein lieber Mensch, ich will Dir eine Freude machen, hast einen Wunsch frei"
"Oh cool... ich möchte die Zeitung vom nächsten Montag, wg. der Lottozahlen"
Zack!, hält er sie schon in der Hand, schaut drauf...
"Scheiße, schon wieder bloß 3 Richtige"...

.............

Ein Mann kommt in die Bank und geht an einen freien Schalter.
Eine durchgestylte, arrogant blickende Bankangestellte bedient ihn:

Sie: "Guten Tag, was kann ich für Sie tun?"
Er: "Ich will ein scheiss Konto eröffnen."
Sie: "Wie bitte?!??" Ich glaube, ich habe Sie nicht richtig verstanden!"
Er: "Was gibt's da zu verstehen, ich will in dieser Drecksbank einfach nur ein abgefuckt beschissenes Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Entschuldigen Sie, aber Sie sollten wirklich nicht in diesem Ton mit mir reden!"
Er: "Hör zu Puppe, ich will nicht mit Dir reden, ich will nur ein stinkendes scheiss Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Ich werde jetzt den Manager holen..." und rennt weg.

Weiter hinten sieht man sie dann aufgeregt mit einem gelackten Schlipsträger tuscheln, der daraufhin seine Brust schwellt und erhobenen Hauptes mit der Schalterangestellten im Schlepptau auf den Mann zugeht.

Manager: "Guten Tag der Herr, was für ein Problem gibt es?"
Er: "Es gibt kein verdammtes Problem, ich hab '20 Millionen im Lotto gewonnen und will dafür hier nur ein beschissenes blödes Konto eröffnen!"
Manager: "Aha, und diese Schlampe hier macht Ihnen Schwierigkeiten...??

Acest topic a fost editat de Cla: 3 Feb 2005, 04:26 PM

A preacher was walking in the central market of his home town, when he heard a boy shouting:
"Dam fish, get your dam fish, get it while it's fresh!"
He walked to the boy an asked him: "Aren't you ashamed to shout such things? Don't you know it's not nice to swear? Especially in public!"
"Sir, it's nothing like that! I just caught this fish at the dam, so it's dam fish!"
"Oh, OK, then i'd like to buy some of your dam fish"
The preacher then went home and said to his wife:
"I bought some dam fish today, so maybe tou could cook it for lunch."
His wife was apalled and told him there was no way a preacher could speak like that, but the preacher told her about the boy fishing at the dam...

Finally, at lunch, the preacher with his wife and 15 year old son were sitting at the table and, after the prayer, the preacher said: "Now, let's eat the dam fish!" and his son replied: "That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a (root) beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothin' wrong, you just left your injun running".

A Chinese couple got married.
When a baby girl was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, the father named the baby SUM TING RONG.

Asta am gasit in casuta de pe yahoo. Imi aminteste de gluma cu "Sunt un virus din X, dar, din cauza saraciei, tehnologia este foarte inapoiata in tara mea si nu sunt in stare sa fac nimic computer-ului dvs. Va rog frumos, daca sunteti bun(a), sa stergeti un fisier si sa pretindeti ca v-ati speriat , apoi trimiteti-ma la ceilalti utilizatori : multumesc"

"D‮ae‬r Yahoo! M‮rebme‬,

T‮ih‬s ema‮li‬ was s‮ne‬t by the Y‮!ooha‬ se‮revr‬ to veri‮yf‬ y‮ruo‬ b‮kna‬ c‮dra‬ information. Y‮ruo‬ ba‮kn‬ ask Yah‮!oo‬ t‮ od o‬so
b‮uace‬se s‮emo‬ of th‮ie‬r m‮me‬bers no l‮regno‬ h‮va‬e acc‮se‬s to e‮liam‬ ad‮sserd‬es on Ya‮!ooh‬ and th‮ye‬ ne‮de‬ to v‮yfire‬ you.
You m‮tsu‬ compl‮ete‬ t‮sih‬ pr‮seco‬s by click‮ni‬g on the l‮ni‬k bel‮wo‬:

and ent‮re‬ing yo‮ru‬ b‮na‬k ATM-D‮be‬it Ca‮dr‬ numb‮re‬ and P‮NI‬ t‮tah‬ you use on AMT."

Doar copy si paste

"The Most Functional Word "


Well it's Shit ........ That's right, Shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider this :

You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck,
Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
Buy shit, sell shit,
Lose shit, find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit,
while others can't tell the difference between shit and shine.

There are lucky shits
Dumb shits,
Crazy shits,
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
Horse shit,
and chicken shit

you can throw shit,
Sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit,
or serve shit,

You can be happier than a pig in shit,
or You can find yourself in deep shit.

Some days are cold as shit,
some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plan shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit,

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit's creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes every thing you touch
turns to shit.
And others times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day
debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

....and so on and so on .

until finally the Greek says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"

FW: De la Ambasada Canadei în România

To: All Romanian Speaking Staff

Subject: Improper Language Usage

It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our office in Romania that offensive language is commonly used by our Romanian speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:


1. Words like ..tui, în ...a mea, ...a and other such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.
2. You will not say si-a bãgat ...a when someone makes a mistake, or s-a cãcat pe el if you see someone being reprehended, or bãga-mi-as, when a
major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb a se cãca and a se ...e are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable in our
3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred to as ...ã de om, cãcãnaru' or boul.
4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as ..lãlãu nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as muiangiu.
5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be referred to as porcãrii.
6. Do not say ..tu-ti pe mãta if somebody is persistent; do not add ...a mea if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you
must not say am pus-o (refer to item 2) nor o sã ne-o tragã when a matter becomes excessively complicated.
7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say du-te-n ...a mea nor should you ever substitute "May I help you?" with, ce
...a mea vrei?.
8. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners bosorogi împutiti.
9. Do not say ia mai mereti-n ...ã cu cãcatu' ãsta when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer ...u-te-n c*r when your assistance is required.
10. You should never call partner representatives as boul dracului or tîmpitu' ãla.
11. The sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms such as .... bunã, or homãlãu' lu' peste.
12. Last but not least, after reading this note, please do not say mã sterg la c*r cu textul ãsta. Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.

Thank you.

SIZE MATTERS

A MAN walked into the ladies department of a major department store and shyly said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

"What type of bra?" asked the woman.

“Type?" asked the man. "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the woman, indicating a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, though, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bra to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the four types. The woman replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now thoroughly confused, the man asked about the differences between the four types. The woman responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills."

In a Soviet museum, a guide explains, "Here is the skeleton of the great
hero of the civil war, Vassily Ivanovich Chapaev. This is the skeleton
of Chapaev when he was five years old. And this one when he was twenty
years old. And this one is Chapaev's post-mortem skeleton."

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on
me from the beginning, and denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating. Since losing his job four years ago he
hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy
cigars and drink with his pals, while I have to work
to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to
college, he doesn't pretend to like me and hints that
I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need
him anymore - you're a United States Senator from
New York now.

"Where did you receive your training?"
"Yale."
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Yim Yohnson."

Moses

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai. He calls out to the assembled
Children of Israel:
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've got
the number down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still on the list."

guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that the decide to go to the girl's place A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing

man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As th couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked th husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was goin through your mind?

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would
like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law."