A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him: "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets"
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds
and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy, what is "a couple"?
And he carries on a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina...,and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and
rape, paedophilia, gerontophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "sex"?
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A woman decided to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
The next morning, she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess you're 29?"
Nope,"she says, "I am actually 47." And now, she's really feeling good about herself.
While standing at the bus stop, she asks an old man the same question, but he replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As no one else was around, the woman agreed and let the old man slip his hand down her pants.
Two minutes later the woman says, "OK, that's enough. How old am I?"
"You're 47", said the old man. Stunned the woman says,
"Incredible! How did you do that?" To which the old man replied,
"I was behind you at McDonald's."

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his
wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of
some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to
discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night,
amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100? For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and
sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for
that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth
it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves
with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This
hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable
life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500."
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out
front and sees a 12-story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs.Trust
me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for
it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints
twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some
pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her
with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle
of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward,
"No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near
Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed,
"No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena
vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and
said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my
glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at
the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and
spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I
was born."




A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said:
"I've lost my wife here, in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, puzzled,
looked at him and replied:
"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!..."

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that......
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that......
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that.....
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ........
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!”

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.
He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.
So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back and forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.
Finally, the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean.
The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble-up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away.
So, the male whale swims over to her, and asks her, "What's wrong."
She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen."


We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this is what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did, we rolled together in the now damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, "Beheheeee", then re-joined the flock."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

What do you get if you cross a bulldog with a blonde ?
Your last blowjob.

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colours - green, red,orange blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said to him, " What's the matter, old timer ? Never done anything wild in your life ?"
The old man replied, " Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

What pissed me off?

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

For PC - freaks

Out of Office - Message

1. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

4. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am
out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at all.

5. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my
brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged
$5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection
and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

8. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. I've run away to join a different circus.

Mortal talks with God

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second...

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,

"The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. (Named Chico!)

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......(in that Mexican accent...)
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with
> a Russian about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
>
> American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
> get to work?"
> Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
> transportation everywhere."
> A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
> R: "We take the train."
> A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
> R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
> A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
> R: "We take tanks."

Cool ma,

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool. They were
enjoying the sun. Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:
Dude, How come people consider me a noisance, and you a pet?
How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me?
How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am considered
creepy and disgusting?
How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?

So the hamster answered: "It's branding, dude."

Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the
very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over
night.
So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm
that.

Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very
next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.So the
wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at
their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still
with
them.

NEW DICTIONARY


ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation

GOSSIP :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.

INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked:
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded:
"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a
young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again
replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence
attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house. He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You FUCK her again!!!"

The IRS Visit
Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.

"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."

THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN TODAY:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter in! itiative s they have
the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

What is Effective Communication ????

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack
wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while
praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I
smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's
utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the
good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong
question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,
may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my
son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you
ask.
For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on
vacation..........?

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say "My God...."

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN!


BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.


MENICILLIN: Potent ! anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..... Can we get naked now?"


PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single intelligent women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.


DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.


ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours

When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I'm unable to remember, what I chose.

My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" .

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

Panties not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under...

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Q: Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
A: Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard
disk.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Men are like ......Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ..... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ..... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ......Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ..... Blenders ..You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ......Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ......Department Stores ....Their clothes are always ½ off.

Men are like .....Government Bonds ....They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like .... Mascara ..They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ....Popcorn ...They satisfy you , but only for a little while.

Men are like ....Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like .....Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like .....Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

- What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
• They both go down in the name of the president.

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"[i] Without hesitating, Joe said, [i]"Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."[i] Joe was incredulous, [i]"That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, [i]"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Little Jamie was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the little boy was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jamie?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jamie tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Jamie patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!"

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house.

He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."

"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You FUCK her again!!!"

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 under one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Four chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emigrate to the US. In order to
get a visa, they had to adapt their names to american standards:
Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug.

After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Paul."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Paul?"
- "Haschich from Morrocco."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Marc."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Marc?"
- "Marijuana from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Matthew?"
- "Cocaine from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, John?"
- "Ecstasy from Montreal."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Luke."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Luke?"
- "Speed from Amsterdam."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Judas?"
- "FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!"

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir."

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I’ll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on Earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding as well!"