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Bancuri Netraduse, ..adica in Engleza |
25 Mar 2005, 10:28 PM
Mesaj
#211
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Vornic Grup: Membri Mesaje: 339 Inscris: 28 January 05 Din: bucuresti / piatra neamt Forumist Nr.: 5.558 |
A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man. "Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is. "I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls. So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?" The little man answers, "Your driver's license, please ....." -------------------- He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? |
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7 Apr 2005, 10:19 AM
Mesaj
#212
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 18.844 Inscris: 30 January 04 Din: EU Forumist Nr.: 2.042 |
Unul bun despre un Director Resurse Umane ajuns in ceruri :
HEAVENLY HUMAN RIGHTS A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St Peter welcomed her: "Before you get settled in," he said, "we have a little problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before, and we're not really sure what to do with you." "Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?" "Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "but I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity." "Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward-bound elevator. As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club to enjoy a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven, where St Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two." The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell." Accordingly, St Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful, happy time. Now there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff." -------------------- Un prost gaseste intodeauna unul mai prost , care sa-l admire
Nicolas Boileau |
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7 Apr 2005, 11:24 AM
Mesaj
#213
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 2.126 Inscris: 10 August 04 Din: nu spui; s-a schimbat Forumist Nr.: 4.232 |
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1 - life sucks 2 - job sucks 3 - wife does NOT! -------------------- - "Help us, or else..!"
- "Or else what?" - "Exactly!" Nu e nimic mai trist decât tristeţea unui om vesel. (Armando Palacio Valdes) |
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Promo Contextual |
7 Apr 2005, 11:24 AM
Mesaj
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ContextuALL |
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8 Apr 2005, 01:16 PM
Mesaj
#214
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 2.126 Inscris: 10 August 04 Din: nu spui; s-a schimbat Forumist Nr.: 4.232 |
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it.
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of... THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting) THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files) THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted) THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window) -------------------- - "Help us, or else..!"
- "Or else what?" - "Exactly!" Nu e nimic mai trist decât tristeţea unui om vesel. (Armando Palacio Valdes) |
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25 Apr 2005, 05:32 PM
Mesaj
#215
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Vornic Grup: Membri Mesaje: 284 Inscris: 24 July 04 Din: 47° 10' N, 27° 35' E Forumist Nr.: 4.132 |
The Original Version:
If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours.... The Pessimist Version: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was. The Optimist Version: If you love somebody, Set her free... Don't worry, she will come back. The Playful Version If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, and if you love her still, Set her free again, repeat * The Lawyer's Version: If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that... The Bill Gates Version: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade. The Possessive Version: If you love somebody, Don't ever set her free. The Psychologist's Version: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant, If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme, If she doesn't go, she must be crazy. The Marketing Version: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets. -------------------- |
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18 May 2005, 04:09 PM
Mesaj
#216
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.926 Inscris: 6 April 04 Forumist Nr.: 2.950 |
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? Let's use mathematics and logic to figure it out! If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then, H A R D W O R K (8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11) = 98% K N O W L E D G E (11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5) = 96% But, A T T I T U D E (1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5) = 100% And, B U L L S H I T (2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20) = 103% So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. -------------------- Nu semnez.
I love flowers. |
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8 Jun 2005, 10:10 PM
Mesaj
#217
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Vornic Grup: Membri Mesaje: 339 Inscris: 28 January 05 Din: bucuresti / piatra neamt Forumist Nr.: 5.558 |
I:Ce i-a zis Dodi soferului?
R:"Drive me and Di"! -------------------- He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? |
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11 Jun 2005, 10:55 AM
Mesaj
#218
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Vornic Grup: Membri Mesaje: 287 Inscris: 24 December 03 Din: DreamLand Forumist Nr.: 1.600 |
Roma antica. Un gladiatore scommette che riesce a scoparsi 100 donne una
dietro l'altra. Grande pubblicita' dell'impresa, organizzazione nel Colosseo, bandi da tutti le parti, e infine arriva il gran giorno. Colosseo strapieno, arriva il gladiatore in gran forma, sponsor alle spalle, arbitro, allenatore. E via: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 10... pausa, asciugamano, coca-cola... 11, 12, 15... 20... pausa, coca-cola... 21, 22, 25... 30... pausa, massaggio... 31, 33, 34, 35... 40, pausa... 50... 60... 70... 80... 85, pausa, strizzamento di asciugamani, ricomincia 90... pausa, coca-cola... 91, 92... pausa... 93, 94... pausa... 95... 96... 97... pausa, incoraggiamenti... 98... 99... il gladiatore crolla svenuto. Colosseo in silenzio di tomba, si alza un vecchietto dai gradini piu' alti e grida: "Ah frocioooooo !!!". |
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11 Jun 2005, 02:07 PM
Mesaj
#219
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Cla Grup: Membri Mesaje: 16.086 Inscris: 7 May 04 Din: Noris Rock City Forumist Nr.: 3.415 |
Nu prea stiu italiana, dar pe asta am inteles-o
Geht eine Frau zum Frauenarzt: "Herr Doktor, ich hab einen Knoten in der Brust" "Um Gottes Willen, wer macht denn sowas??" Nächsten Tag, ein Mann beim Urologen: "Herr Doktor, ich kriege meine Vorhaut nicht mehr zurück." "Na also sowas leiht man auch nicht her" Acest topic a fost editat de Cla: 11 Jun 2005, 02:12 PM -------------------- Cea mai buna inventie e dormitul, de c�nd au fost obositii.
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12 Jun 2005, 11:09 PM
Mesaj
#220
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.926 Inscris: 6 April 04 Forumist Nr.: 2.950 |
Cla, titlul threadului e:
Poate data viitoare te conformezi. -------------------- Nu semnez.
I love flowers. |
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13 Jun 2005, 12:23 AM
Mesaj
#221
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Cla Grup: Membri Mesaje: 16.086 Inscris: 7 May 04 Din: Noris Rock City Forumist Nr.: 3.415 |
Credeam ca daca merge italiana, atunci si germana. Dar nu-i bai, eu n-am o problema cu asta.
Sa fie atunci engleza, so what. -------------------- Cea mai buna inventie e dormitul, de c�nd au fost obositii.
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28 Jun 2005, 04:46 AM
Mesaj
#222
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Musteriu Grup: Musterii Mesaje: 1 Inscris: 25 June 05 Forumist Nr.: 6.498 |
Excelente bancuri ! Va trimit si eu cateva funny, din Reader's Digest magazine. Have fun !!
Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle : "We Always Go the Extra Mile". In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled : "That's Because We Missed the last Exit". Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. to enforce this rule, the management posted this notice : "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added : "Socks can eat wherever they want." According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75% of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random of 1,056 adults who were called in the middle of the night. Q : What did the pork chop say to the steak ? A : Nice to meat you. Heard aboard a crosstown bus : "When you exit, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you. " |
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26 Aug 2005, 02:53 PM
Mesaj
#223
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.591 Inscris: 22 September 03 Forumist Nr.: 826 |
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and ervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it .Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. |
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22 Sep 2005, 02:25 PM
Mesaj
#224
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Batranel oPsedat Grup: Membri Mesaje: 2.074 Inscris: 15 January 04 Forumist Nr.: 1.836 |
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was: "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUC.KING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU.CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" ...and they lived happily ever after. -------------------- -- de aceea pentru mine muntele - munte, se zice, de aceea pentru mine iarba - iarba, se spune, de aceea pentru mine izvorul - izvoreste, de aceea pentru mine, viata - se traieste --
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22 Sep 2005, 04:40 PM
Mesaj
#225
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Cavalerul nedesavarsit Grup: Membri Mesaje: 1.548 Inscris: 25 April 04 Forumist Nr.: 3.251 |
-------------------- |
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21 Oct 2005, 02:40 PM
Mesaj
#226
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bulina Grup: Membri Mesaje: 10.489 Inscris: 19 January 05 Forumist Nr.: 5.473 |
On Saturday morning I got up early, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage and hooked up the boat to the truck. Then while coming out of the garage I saw that rain is pouring down; it is a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. I returned to the garage, came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back and I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?" -------------------- "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
Never asume. A friend told me I was delusional. I almost fell off of my unicorn. |
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21 Oct 2005, 05:03 PM
Mesaj
#227
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Haiduc Grup: Musterii Mesaje: 77 Inscris: 8 July 04 Forumist Nr.: 4.035 |
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from
elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!" "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose." "The parts of speech are lungs and air." "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes." "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population." "A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot." "The general direction of the Alps is straight up." "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris." "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums." "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom." "We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk." "A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities." "The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar." "The climate is hottest next to the Creator." "Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings." "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom." "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it." "One by-product of raising cattle is calves." "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners." -------------------- While the word is yet unspoken, you are master of it; when once it is spoken, it is master of you.
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7 Nov 2005, 05:43 PM
Mesaj
#228
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.591 Inscris: 22 September 03 Forumist Nr.: 826 |
Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However . . . If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins.... |
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14 Dec 2005, 11:07 AM
Mesaj
#229
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.591 Inscris: 22 September 03 Forumist Nr.: 826 |
How many French does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, first, there has to be a UN security resolution demanding a change - but only if the light bulb can be proved to be burned out and not just in a quantum state of flux. Second, there should be an increase in the number and frequency of inspectors and inspections to determine that the light bulb is not just burned out, but a genuine threat to the rest of the world. There has to be a "smoking filament" or else the changing of the bulb would be considered unnecessary since the light bulb poses no threat to world stability, let alone in breach of said resolution by illuminating anything other than it's own space. Third, there should be endless debate about the ramifications of light bulb change. How do we know the next light bulb will be a more co operative light bulb and illuminate our lives? Fourth, France will in no way support a violent action in changing the light bulb. There must be a peaceful solution to this light bulb change; violent action is unacceptable. Fifth, without a broad coalition that supports light bulb change, any action to change the bulb will be considered a breach of the "spirit" of the UN resolution regarding the light bulb. |
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13 Jan 2006, 04:36 PM
Mesaj
#230
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.591 Inscris: 22 September 03 Forumist Nr.: 826 |
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7 Feb 2006, 04:15 PM
Mesaj
#231
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Cla Grup: Membri Mesaje: 16.086 Inscris: 7 May 04 Din: Noris Rock City Forumist Nr.: 3.415 |
-------------------- Cea mai buna inventie e dormitul, de c�nd au fost obositii.
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7 Feb 2006, 05:53 PM
Mesaj
#232
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 18.844 Inscris: 30 January 04 Din: EU Forumist Nr.: 2.042 |
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10. This is for cat. 11. This is forty cat. 12. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down. -------------------- Un prost gaseste intodeauna unul mai prost , care sa-l admire
Nicolas Boileau |
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7 Feb 2006, 05:56 PM
Mesaj
#233
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Pisoiul Hanului Grup: Membri Mesaje: 1.096 Inscris: 16 December 04 Din: Away... Forumist Nr.: 5.205 |
"Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them: -"It's a illegala to put a cinque people in a Quattro." -"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. -"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. -"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile!" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons." - "You canta puta thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people in a car and you are breaking the law." - "I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence zupervisor over !" - "Sorry. He can'ta come righta know. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." -------------------- |
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7 Mar 2006, 09:09 PM
Mesaj
#234
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 2.330 Inscris: 16 September 05 Forumist Nr.: 6.952 |
banc englezesc
A group of old pals decided to honour their friend with a hooker for his 75th birthday. When the doorbell rang, he answered it and saw a very exciting young woman in a sexy outfit. She said, "I'm here to give you super sex." The birthday boy thought for a moment, and then replied, "I think I'll take the soup." -------------------- I'm a superbutterfly, and superbutterflies don't cry!
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7 Mar 2006, 09:20 PM
Mesaj
#235
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 2.330 Inscris: 16 September 05 Forumist Nr.: 6.952 |
am fost si eu blonda... o data in viata mea -------------------- I'm a superbutterfly, and superbutterflies don't cry!
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8 Mar 2006, 07:15 PM
Mesaj
#236
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 1.677 Inscris: 29 March 03 Forumist Nr.: 141 |
cand am vazut linku lui Cla banuiam ca e ceva de jenu....
-------------------- Am zis!!
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15 Mar 2006, 06:01 PM
Mesaj
#237
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.591 Inscris: 22 September 03 Forumist Nr.: 826 |
For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation -
just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat n a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6."This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better." 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 11. "A gross ignoramus............ 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 13. "He's been working with glue too much." 14. "He would argue with a signpost." 15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm" 27. "One neuron short of a synapse." 28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'." 30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" |
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15 Mar 2006, 06:33 PM
Mesaj
#238
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Soul feeder Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.735 Inscris: 7 November 05 Forumist Nr.: 7.214 |
Euro-English European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w " with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. -------------------- Tărâmul Poveştilor.
Loc cu povești Let your weird light shine bright, so the other weirdos know where to find you. |
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16 Mar 2006, 07:35 PM
Mesaj
#239
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.591 Inscris: 22 September 03 Forumist Nr.: 826 |
Q - Why couldn't the children go see the new pirate movie?
A - It was rated "Aaarrrr" |
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5 Apr 2006, 10:14 AM
Mesaj
#240
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Vornic Grup: Membri Mesaje: 284 Inscris: 24 July 04 Din: 47° 10' N, 27° 35' E Forumist Nr.: 4.132 |
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A FEW DAYS LATER . . ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"......... -------------------- |
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5 Apr 2006, 10:23 AM
Mesaj
#241
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Vornic Grup: Membri Mesaje: 284 Inscris: 24 July 04 Din: 47° 10' N, 27° 35' E Forumist Nr.: 4.132 |
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." "Just how big were those two beers?" "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here." -------------------- |
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11 Apr 2006, 01:07 PM
Mesaj
#242
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 18.844 Inscris: 30 January 04 Din: EU Forumist Nr.: 2.042 |
ONE DAY I HAPPENED TO VISIT A RICH MAN ..... AND THE HOSPITALITY BEGIN LIKE
THIS.......... Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?" Answer: "tea please" Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?" Answer : "Ceylon tea " Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white?" Answer: "white" Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?" Answer: "With milk " Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk" Answer: "With cow milk please. Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?" Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. " Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?" Answer: "With sugar" Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?" Answer: "Cane sugar " Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?" Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead." Question: "Mineral water or still water ? " Answer: "Mineral water" Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?" Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst -------------------- Un prost gaseste intodeauna unul mai prost , care sa-l admire
Nicolas Boileau |
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11 Apr 2006, 01:41 PM
Mesaj
#243
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 18.844 Inscris: 30 January 04 Din: EU Forumist Nr.: 2.042 |
Check this out !!!
INCREDIBLE THINGS HAPPEN IN AMERICA... 1°) Fold a $20 bill in half... 2°) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below 3°) Fold the other end, exactly as before Et voilà, the PENTAGON on fire!! 4°) Now, simply turn it over... The Twin Towers ablaze.... What a coincidience! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic premonition printed on all $20 bills!!! COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE As if that wasn't enough... here is what you've seen... Firstly The Pentagon on fire... Then The Twin Towers... ... and now... look at this! TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL -------------------- Un prost gaseste intodeauna unul mai prost , care sa-l admire
Nicolas Boileau |
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11 Apr 2006, 04:35 PM
Mesaj
#244
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Domnitor Grup: Membri Mesaje: 3.591 Inscris: 22 September 03 Forumist Nr.: 826 |
@ March: lipsesc pozele
----------------------------------------------- Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose? A: A polynomial ring! The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..." The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!" "Well - just take a larger pot!" Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four... It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?" The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at McDonald's!" Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job? A: `Paper or plastic?' A French mathematician's pick up line: "Voulez vous Cauchy avec moi?" |
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15 Jun 2006, 08:04 PM
Mesaj
#245
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Vornic Grup: Membri Mesaje: 284 Inscris: 24 July 04 Din: 47° 10' N, 27° 35' E Forumist Nr.: 4.132 |
The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! -------------------- |
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Versiune Text-Only | Data este acum: 29 March 2024 - 11:05 AM |