N-am avut timp sa ma uit peste toate, asa ca daca exista bancul, ma scuzati...

Imagine a toilet...two army dudes....one is a marine, the other navy....
After they do what they came to do, the marine wants to leave. The navy soldier sais:
- In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss!
The marine turns and sais:
- In the marines, they teach us NOT TO PISS ON OUR HANDS!

Cohones de Toro...

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

I can tell how a man makes love...

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Creation of a women (Guys you're going to love this one )

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. That was made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.

For macho men


Quiz: Are You a Real Man?


1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a- Lovemaking
b- Screwing
c- The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a- Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b- Your blood-test results
c- Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a- Your partner climaxes first
b-You both climax simultaneously
c- You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a- Healthy, creative love-play
b- Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c- Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a- The best part of the experience
b- The second best part of the experience
c- $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a- No concern of yours
b-Not a problem - she can join your gym
c- A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a- A myth
b-An oxymoron
c- A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a- Appetiser is to entree
b- Priming is to painting
c- A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a- "I hope we can still be friends."
b-"I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c - "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a- Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b- Is uptight and a waste of time
c- Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

BUMPER STICKERS

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves!
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
It works better if you plug it in.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.

Nu stiu daca a mai fost pe aici bancul asta dar e cel mai tare in engleza.

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they
all decided that they needed more information.
So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each
drug. After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- Who's there?
- It's Paul
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Paul?
- Hashish from Morocco.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Mark
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Marc?
- Marijuana from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Matthew
-Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Matthew?
- Cocaine from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's John
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, John?
- Ecstasy from Montreal.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Luke
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Luke?
- Speed from Amsterdam.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Judas
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Judas?
- FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!

An elephant asks a camel :

- "Why are your breasts on your back ?"
- " Well " says the camel , " I think it is a strange question from somebody who's dick is in his face"

Internal Memo (company name undisclosed)

Around 10:00 AM this morning, someone lit up a joint on the third floor, north side, strongly suggesting that it was someone from, say, the creative department.

Why is this a problem?

Well, for one, we had two clients and an important new business prospect in the building (something for which a number of people had worked well into the night). All the visitors were of an age that suggested they would easily identify marijuana, if encountered.

In short, this could have resulted in some serious financial setbacks, threatening people's jobs and well-being.

Beyond that, however, I am concerned for the person or people who feel it necessary to light up at such an hour. This is not good for you -- in either a personal
or a professional sense.

Please note that we emphatically pay you for what you do STRAIGHT here -- no matter what you may deliriously believe. We expect you to act accordingly, keep up your end of the deal, and will ask you to leave if you don't.

It's that simple.
The price of freedom, lack of censorship, and a championing of strange behavior is little bit of fucking judgment.
Please pay that price for me. For us all. Thank you.

Acest topic a fost editat de dead-cat: 24 Apr 2004, 10:36 PM

A lecturer on the paranormal was addressing a class of university students. He began, "Today I'm going to discuss so-called ghosts. Before I begin, may I ask how many of you believe ghosts are real?"

About 100 hands went up.

"That's about typical," said the lecturer. "Now, how many of you believe you have seen ghosts?"

Several dozen hands went up.

"Again, that's about typical," said the lecturer. "How many of you have talked to ghosts?"

About 5 hands went up.

"Very good," said the lecturer, "about what I expected. Finally, some people claim ghosts come to them in their sleep and have sex with them. How many of you think you've had sex with ghosts?"

Only one hand went up.

"Hmm," said the lecturer, "would you please come up to the front of the room, so we can discuss this in front of the whole class?"

The young redneck went to the front of the room.

"This is amazing," said the lecturer. "You're the first person I ever met who would admit that he thinks he's had sex with ghosts. Would you tell us the details of how it happened?"

"Ghosts?" said the young man, "I thought you said goats!"

A very old man married a very young girl. Asked why he risked such disparity in ages, the octogenarian replied, " I'd rather spend the rest of my days smelling perfume than liniment."

***

A professor lecturing in Paris said, " There's very little difference between men and women."
"Vive la difference", shouted a Frenchman in the rear of the hall.

***

Credited to George Bernard Show : Fish and relatives begin to smell after three days.

***

A fellow said, " My boy won the prize in school today. The teacher asked how many legs a dog has. My boy said 'three' and won "
"He said three legs and he won ?"
"Yes. He was the closest to it."

***

One canibal, inviting another : " Why don't you come to my house tonight ? I'm having my mother-in -law for dinner."
"I don't like your mother-in-law."
" All right, then only eat the vegetables."

***

Thers is a tombstone with this epitaph on it :

Here lies the body of Dugan.
A bullet turned him to clay.
He lived the life of Riley
While Riley was away.

Sex test for a Redneck.

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False

A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on
your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject. The next day the boy
went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he
replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will
float to heaven. A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son
runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father ask "what are you
talking about?" "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling
'Oh God I'm coming'"
***

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a
plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between
her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what
he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!
What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to
drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking
for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Attention macho-men, beware of beer !

Female Hormones in Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a
young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love
...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and
continued to watch remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman -
she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town
to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
"Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer
Gaston's field making love".

The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old
remember ze young love, ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour!
Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!"

Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the
station. Since his police car was being serviced, he ran down to the
field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to
call the doctor:

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field and zere
is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is very
natural"

Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not
understand ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine
bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and
jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove
back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen
and said, "Ah, my friends, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead.
She is English."

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself,
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must
be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said:
- "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself,
"Well she doesn't work for Delta."
A few seconds later another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again:
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally
kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried:
"I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him:
- "Man, what the f*** do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair:
"Ahhh... TAROM !"

(Think about pronunciation)

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea!

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea!

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing a razorblade?
A: Still bloody no idea!

Yo Mama So Fat



Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Yo Mama So Fat (II)


Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

International Sex Talk

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”



What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.


Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)

RELIGION VIEWS OF LIFE
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says, shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Atheism: I don't belive this shit.
Agnosticism: What is this shit?

Rady...wow ce-am ris!

I got a good joke too...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

A very old man married a very young girl. Asked why he risked such disparity in ages, the octogenarian replied, " I'd rather spend the rest of my days smelling perfume than liniment."
***

A professor lecturing in Paris said, " There's very little difference between men and women."
"Vive la difference", shouted a Frenchman in the rear of the hall.

***

Credited to George Bernard Show : Fish and relatives begin to smell after three days.

***

A fellow said, " My boy won the prize in school today. The teacher asked how many legs a dog has. My boy said 'three' and won "
"He said three legs and he won ?"
"Yes. He was the closest to it."

***

One canibal, inviting another : " Why don't you come to my house tonight ? I'm having my mother-in -law for dinner."
"I don't like your mother-in-law."
" All right, then only eat the vegetables."

***

Thers is a tombstone with this epitaph on it :

Here lies the body of Dugan.
A bullet turned him to clay.
He lived the life of Riley
While Riley was away

Usual working day:




Wake up,
Nokia, Marlboro, Nescafe, Hochland, Colgate, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Minolta, Nokia, Marlboro, Nokia,
Nokia.
McDonalds, Marlboro, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Minolta, Nokia, Marlboro, Nokia, Nokia.
Renault.
Tuborg.
Tuborg.
Marlboro.
Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Marlboro.
Colgate.

Day is over.

Mental Hospital Hotline Answering Machine Message

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You will not be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons; you will just mess it up .

If you are a computer geek, press in rapid sequence *#428827429912# and the phone's uplink with the mainframe will be unlocked, allowing you to hack into our system.

If you are intoxicated, press 99999999999999999999999999999 and for God's sake! Don't drool on the keyboard!

Acest topic a fost editat de E.B.E.: 24 Jul 2004, 01:58 PM

A young man tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies "I don't like her."

What is the difference between girls aged : 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

***

A man went to the doctors and said, "Doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get a hard-on."
The doctor said, "I'm not surprised, your face looks like a cunt."

***
On the honeymoon, Harriet says to her new husband, "Eddie, how many Women have you slept with?"
He says, "If I tell you, you'll freak out."
She says, "No, I won't."
He says, "Okay. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...you...nine, ten, eleven, twelve, Thirteen...."

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

***
A guy says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine.
She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the
road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.

Yo mama so fat ... she uses your daddy as a dildo.


Yo mama so stupid ... when I told her I needed help with my employment she gave me a blow job.

Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the sh ! t out of you.

Men are like... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like... Blenders. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like... Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like...Department Stores.Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like...Government Bonds.They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Asta e interesant...cam sec da-i cu pileala:

Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other
and says, "Oy, where are you from?" The second man answers,
"I'm from Liverpool." The first man, surprised, replies, "No way! I'm from
Liverpool, too!
What high school did you go to?" The second man answers,
"St. Mary's." "Wow!" yells the first man. "ME, TOO!" "No way," says the second man.
"What year did you graduate in?" "Seventy-nine," says the first man.
"Oh, my LORD!" screams the second man, "I graduated in '79,too!"
"Oh, boy, it's gonna be a long night," sighs the bartender, turning to one of his
other customers.
"The Johnson twins are drunk again."


PS-Pt. BALAURU: se pace ca avem acelasi avatar; si tu esti mai vechi in forum; e simpatic, da`poti vorbi cu cineva sa-l schimbe pe al meu cu unul la fel de haios ? Sau poti sa-mi gasesti tu unul ? Multam

revin la PS : de fapt: "se pare" (scuze); si daca vrei sa ma ajuti, ma si inveti cum sa-l inlocuiesc ?