Colectia De Vorbe, [Jurnalul Colectionarei] Optiuni

[Mihai]

Amintiri, opinii, ganduri din viata Colectionarei veti putea citi aici. O "colectie de vorbe" pentru o colectionara pasionata.

Lectura placuta!

[colectionara]

Rascolind in cutiuta cu amintiri

Am dat peste acest mail pe care il scriam anul trecut, impartind echitabil o ciuda fata de mine si fata de ceilalti. Era o tentativa de onestitate exagerata (uneori pana dincolo de onestitate), genul de abordare care, desi ineficienta, m-a facut mereu sa ma simt mai bine. Recitind, am avut senzatia ca "am mai crescut" putin. Ceea ce ma face sa zambesc, mereu cand ma uit in urma am senzatia ca "am mai crescut" putin. Pesemne e doar jena pe care latura rationala mi-o imprima in fata atitudinilor mele care pot fi atat de usor judecate si categorisite ca naive sau imature. Imi cer scuze pentru limba engleza si pentru ca, poate, unii vor simti ca i-am tradat cu imaginea pe care le-am oferit-o pana acum. Nici o imagine nu este vreodata corecta si completa, cred, si imi permit sa dau din umeri; imaginile nu sunt facute pentru a fi judecate, ci pentru a fi vazute.

" ... i was in love with the idea of young foolish passionate love, with notions like abandon or supreme power of the feeling, i was searching an ideal extreme and i turned every failure into an ideal failure, into a big, huge fall that would give me the chance to prove my fidelity more than ever. ever since i was little i was fascinated by heros. i knew i could never be something like a war hero, because i tremble even at the mere thought of torture or stuff like that. but it appears i have an incredibble capacity to endure soul torture and, again never confessed, to myself or to any other so far, i started using this capacity. it may sound grotesque, but i really really enjoyed my love failures a lot, without faking my real big suffering in any way. they made me a hero of my lost causes and i had an enormous power of being faithful to these rare causes that appeared to me as really possible ideals. and i sacrificed myself on the altar of each and every one of them, i found resources of goodness and altruism that i never knew i had or at least could so accurately simulate and i made these resources work in order to lay at my idealized lost cause's feet the proof of my endless fidelity. like true heros do. and many times i was aknowledged as a true hero of these causes, my absurd tenaceous effort was powerful enough to convince people around me that i was true. and how i like to taste the savour of these aknowledgements, and how i already provoke them and take them regularly as drugs! i am an actor and i am totally comfortable with the feeling that there is always an audience. and i have a natural gift to play for my audience, whatever that audience is, for in time it has to confound itself with different familiar characters that populate my life. everybody that makes my interest rise above this never measured limit turns automatically into an audience and i am so very excited by the new public and immediately adapt to it and start playing for its presumed taste, the turn being as natural and unforced as life itself. so as excusable, in my self-tolerant opinion. therefore i am an actor and as a good actor i totally enter my character's skin and forget myself as i was with great ease. i use to say that i change a lot, especially because of people and circumstances. this is my secret, this is how i do it. i put everything into my act, in a supreme attempt to conquer my audience. and i don't mind if i never go back to the actor and remain the character for the rest of my life, this is not a worry, this is the ideal itself. at first, i'm only looking - and of course, secretely looking, checking if my audience applauses. and many times my audience applauses. and many times my audience goes even further and can identify itself with my character. oh, my dear friend, you have no idea how many people told me that i was like them. i could collect this kind of statements but that sounds little and mean and i'm only doing this for a much higher purpose, i'm faithful to a big ideal. this is the place where i get my audience almost unconsciously. when i feel sort of secure on their interest and only then, i start analysing the true nature of my interest in them. and most of the time i realize i just played my role as a reflex, for a public that i didn't really want but was still a public and i wanted to please my every public. so most of the time, the representation stops here and i get some sort of pseudofriends, some of them called even friends, with no minimalizing prefix, and everything works wonderfully, i can easily remember the part i have to play for each and every one of them and it's easy when you're free of the need to improvise more, to get further. and this is great with friends, because again i don't feel like i am faking anything, i have all these parts in me and i can go to one friend or another whenever i feel the calling of one of the characters i host inside. at very, without any exageration, very very rare occasions, i discover i want to conquer my public completely. this is the very very rare vision of love and it gets me really really high whenever it happens. this is the big part in this actor's life, the role that can make me, the actor, approach greatness, maybe reach it. i could never play it. it's still too big for me, maybe. i don't master the way of doing it naturally, i'm so tempted to fill this role with my overexcitement and pathos and in the end my audience, won so far, loses the wonderful connection and, even though it usually tries, it finally realizes it cannot be brought back, because this was a show that was already broken, falsified, lost katharsis, fell down, maybe back to the gained level of friendship, maybe not even there. i am this actor and at some point i suddenly ask so much of my audience, i start this unstoppable crescendo and it's all directed to my public that is invited to join the stage, in the name of some applause it offered a moment earlier. it's a big gap but i'm so hoping that this was the secret wish of my public anyway and that my public, my possible love, will come and join me in this play, in this life. and not get scared by the unusual approach, and not run away, and fulfil my ideal dream. it's not an awful plan, it's a cry for help... "