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Versiune completa:From Wishes To Eternity
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Autorul acestui Jurnal doreste ca ceilalti forumisti sa se rezume la a citi lectura mesajele scrise aici.
Motto:
Life is measured in moments, not in miles or years. If years from now when your hair has faded to grey and your wrinkels adorned skin grows pale you find yourself sitting all alone with memories and when you gather all those moments of the past to a sum you get a feeling of accomplishment then and only then you can truly say that you've lived
transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
People change. There's nothing more obvious than that. Ever since the little crying and kicking baby stands on both feet and begins to walk and discover the world around, becoming conscious of oneself ... a person changes. With every thing you learn, your life changes in some way.
One step at a time.
It's difficult for me to accept the fact that I've changed. Things that used to bring a smile to my face fail to do that anymore, the people I used to know are gone, others have taken that spot, some have already gone. What can I hang on to?
Nothing stays.
As time passes by one's preocupations change, priorities change, questions change. College will soon be over. What am I going to do with my life? What is truly important?
A friend of mine just bought an LCD and was so excited about that while I was just staring at it. How can someone find so much satisfaction in an object? The guy barely leaves his home. He's always working, doesn't have a girlfriend. He doesn't go anywhere, doesn't crave for his own place. I couldn't do that.
Life isn't ernough and the world is definately not enough.
That's why I often seek refuge in other worlds of my own or of other people.
I don't want to be a sclave.
I want to live not just to be alive.
The routine of everyday scares me. I look around at people I know who wake at 8 am get on the bus ... they stand there without even looking at each other, get down, enter some building, do some things then go home in the afternoon.
Take one step at a time ... otherwise you might miss a lot.
The problem is that there's no such thing as second chances. Nothing can be undo, maybe patched a bit in the best case. Once you've made a mistake or made a choice there's no way to turn around. There's no save and exit. No retry.
I don't like to see that half of the decisions I make are chance, even though I like to take chances and when I do, I always go all the way.
But there's no second chance.
Life is measured in moments, not in miles or years. If years from now when your hair has faded to grey and your wrinkels adorned skin grows pale you find yourself sitting all alone with memories and when you gather all those moments of the past to a sum you get a feeling of accomplishment then and only then you can truly say that you've lived
transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
People change. There's nothing more obvious than that. Ever since the little crying and kicking baby stands on both feet and begins to walk and discover the world around, becoming conscious of oneself ... a person changes. With every thing you learn, your life changes in some way.
One step at a time.
It's difficult for me to accept the fact that I've changed. Things that used to bring a smile to my face fail to do that anymore, the people I used to know are gone, others have taken that spot, some have already gone. What can I hang on to?
Nothing stays.
As time passes by one's preocupations change, priorities change, questions change. College will soon be over. What am I going to do with my life? What is truly important?
A friend of mine just bought an LCD and was so excited about that while I was just staring at it. How can someone find so much satisfaction in an object? The guy barely leaves his home. He's always working, doesn't have a girlfriend. He doesn't go anywhere, doesn't crave for his own place. I couldn't do that.
Life isn't ernough and the world is definately not enough.
That's why I often seek refuge in other worlds of my own or of other people.
I don't want to be a sclave.
I want to live not just to be alive.
The routine of everyday scares me. I look around at people I know who wake at 8 am get on the bus ... they stand there without even looking at each other, get down, enter some building, do some things then go home in the afternoon.
Take one step at a time ... otherwise you might miss a lot.
The problem is that there's no such thing as second chances. Nothing can be undo, maybe patched a bit in the best case. Once you've made a mistake or made a choice there's no way to turn around. There's no save and exit. No retry.
I don't like to see that half of the decisions I make are chance, even though I like to take chances and when I do, I always go all the way.
But there's no second chance.
So ... you have enemies? Good, excellent ... that means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Still awake, how do I do it? After a day's work trying to retouch and chisel my pictures from the Felsziget festival I still stand untouched by wings of weariness. There's some Lake of Tears pouring out of my speakers right now. Dammit I miss my wooden speaker back in Cluj. Is my home there, or here near the place of my birth? I don't know anymore. What is HOME after all?
Dreams ... I am afraid of them. I remember a time when I wasn't afraid to dream. Now all dreams seem evil and demonic. Dragons and death have replaced the unicorns that roamed the fields of my mind. Is it true that unicorns are extinct?
I love faerie-tales.
I used to write.
I used to make stories.
I don't do that anymore. Soon I'll be on my own. Then again I felt on my own for so long ... my parents have become distant creatures that send money from time to time and ask how I'm doing. God, this sounds so horrifying!
The moon is hiding from me again. Why? It's supposed to be a beautiful moon and I love late night walks. Sometimes I wish I could share them with someone.
Midnight closes in.
12 o'clock is the ghostly hour. Some tales claim around this hour the dead come back to life and ghosts roam around the places of their damnation. I do have ghosts of my own. I know most people do have them.
Does anyone know how to make them go away?
There's no light but I'm so very used to that.
Does it sound like I'm complaining? I've been accused with that still ... I don't want anyone's pity or help. It's just strange to live between two worlds and wake up so full of one that the other seems like a distant dream.
Obviously I need sleep. Or a walk.
11:14
I think I'll take the latter. Good night everyone. Sweet dreams.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Still awake, how do I do it? After a day's work trying to retouch and chisel my pictures from the Felsziget festival I still stand untouched by wings of weariness. There's some Lake of Tears pouring out of my speakers right now. Dammit I miss my wooden speaker back in Cluj. Is my home there, or here near the place of my birth? I don't know anymore. What is HOME after all?
Dreams ... I am afraid of them. I remember a time when I wasn't afraid to dream. Now all dreams seem evil and demonic. Dragons and death have replaced the unicorns that roamed the fields of my mind. Is it true that unicorns are extinct?
I love faerie-tales.
I used to write.
I used to make stories.
I don't do that anymore. Soon I'll be on my own. Then again I felt on my own for so long ... my parents have become distant creatures that send money from time to time and ask how I'm doing. God, this sounds so horrifying!
The moon is hiding from me again. Why? It's supposed to be a beautiful moon and I love late night walks. Sometimes I wish I could share them with someone.
Midnight closes in.
12 o'clock is the ghostly hour. Some tales claim around this hour the dead come back to life and ghosts roam around the places of their damnation. I do have ghosts of my own. I know most people do have them.
Does anyone know how to make them go away?
There's no light but I'm so very used to that.
Does it sound like I'm complaining? I've been accused with that still ... I don't want anyone's pity or help. It's just strange to live between two worlds and wake up so full of one that the other seems like a distant dream.
Obviously I need sleep. Or a walk.
11:14
I think I'll take the latter. Good night everyone. Sweet dreams.
If you thinking taking lives offer you great power, you're grivously mistaking. The greatest power in the universe isn't to take life but to give life. That's why Mother is the name for God on the lips and in the hearts of all children.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
How can it rain so much? Where is all the water coming from? I'm not sure why I'm complaining, I love rain. I love walking in the rain. I love when sun sets and rises and its light in these moments plays between the raindrops and makes them sparkle like crimson pearls. I love it.
It can't rain all the time, the sky won't fall forever
Jane Sibbery again talking to my soul trough these small speakers.
It's a bad time to realize I'm a stupid being. Accidentaly I deleted almost all my music and stuff from this computer. Lucky I have them on a CD also, even if not all of them.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
Between darkness and light
True isn't it? I stop working for a few moments to think about it. I do this often, just pause and think about various stuff, disecting ideas into thougths and piecing them together again in a strangled hope to get some answers. Answers only breed more questions. Yes. And the song goes on.
In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to belive that love will prevail.
Sincerity, devotion, trust, emotion, eternity, belief, respect, sacrifice, understanding, desire and hope. This is love. I look around and I don't see that around me anymore. People find and leave each other so fast that I feel the need to reiterate my fear from the beginning of my diary: there's nothing to hang on to in this world. Understanding something eventually leads to loving that, whatever that is. Understading and acceptance are the keys. Understanding transforms ugliness into beauty. Understanding transforms the beast into a prince. Understanding transforms death into life. And acceptance makes life only easier.
How nice it would be if we could accept the diverstiry of thoughts and ideas around us. To see that various people have various ways of percieving life and none of those ways are wrong. To see that it is wrong to tell other people how to live their life. In my opinion doing that by the force of arms is a crime.
Aren't there any heroes left in this world? Dammit, we need one. We desperately need a hero, not madmen.
Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still belive.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.
Emptiness. Vanity.
Vanitas vanitatum et omia vanitas. Isn't it?
Inside an image there's always another image .. and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have the capacity to feel. I don't want to feel anymore.
I need a coke.
See you later.
Oh yeah, just a moment ... if anyone dares to read these abberations or wants to make a points ... send me a message. It's painless. Trust me.
Back to coke.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
How can it rain so much? Where is all the water coming from? I'm not sure why I'm complaining, I love rain. I love walking in the rain. I love when sun sets and rises and its light in these moments plays between the raindrops and makes them sparkle like crimson pearls. I love it.
It can't rain all the time, the sky won't fall forever
Jane Sibbery again talking to my soul trough these small speakers.
It's a bad time to realize I'm a stupid being. Accidentaly I deleted almost all my music and stuff from this computer. Lucky I have them on a CD also, even if not all of them.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
Between darkness and light
True isn't it? I stop working for a few moments to think about it. I do this often, just pause and think about various stuff, disecting ideas into thougths and piecing them together again in a strangled hope to get some answers. Answers only breed more questions. Yes. And the song goes on.
In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to belive that love will prevail.
Sincerity, devotion, trust, emotion, eternity, belief, respect, sacrifice, understanding, desire and hope. This is love. I look around and I don't see that around me anymore. People find and leave each other so fast that I feel the need to reiterate my fear from the beginning of my diary: there's nothing to hang on to in this world. Understanding something eventually leads to loving that, whatever that is. Understading and acceptance are the keys. Understanding transforms ugliness into beauty. Understanding transforms the beast into a prince. Understanding transforms death into life. And acceptance makes life only easier.
How nice it would be if we could accept the diverstiry of thoughts and ideas around us. To see that various people have various ways of percieving life and none of those ways are wrong. To see that it is wrong to tell other people how to live their life. In my opinion doing that by the force of arms is a crime.
Aren't there any heroes left in this world? Dammit, we need one. We desperately need a hero, not madmen.
Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still belive.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.
Emptiness. Vanity.
Vanitas vanitatum et omia vanitas. Isn't it?
Inside an image there's always another image .. and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have the capacity to feel. I don't want to feel anymore.
I need a coke.
See you later.
Oh yeah, just a moment ... if anyone dares to read these abberations or wants to make a points ... send me a message. It's painless. Trust me.
Back to coke.
Don't you have something worth dying for in your life? Don't you have anyone ready to stand by you in battle? Then what good has your life been?
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
The rain seems to last forever but at least it's attuned to my spirit. I really have to dump this attraction I have for playing devil's advocate whenever possible. The world really needs a change. Or maybe I'm the one who doesn't fit the picture? I mean if I find something wrong in the world around and everyone else think it's the way it's supposed to be and everything is fine ... then the problem is somwhere in me, isn't it?
I find it truly wrong when people have a fixed idea about what's right and wrong and since they've judged everything then everyone else must fall in with that concept. Shouldn't people be free to choose?
Sadly, apparently not. There is no freedom. There is always someone there to tell us what to do and what's sad is that the vast majority can't seem to break with this. They feel lost when they don't have someone to tell them what to do, that things will be allright.
A beautiful voice come out of my speakers again ... Koncz Zsuzsa. Simply beautiful. Both the singer and her music. Yes.
I wish I'd be laying in someone's arms right now.
Dammit.
The pen is mightier than the sword but the keyboard does just as well.
Right
Where was I? Oh yes. Best example of stupidity: imposing democracy in a country who holds a complete different mentality and will never be able to deal with it. So the white world is always right and who doesn't think like us should die.
That's sad.
That's something like the christian world tried to do during the crusades.
Can't believe they haven't gave up on that. Wow! They actually travel across an ocean to do that nowadays. Strangely they missed the location by hundreds of miles. I think Jerusalem is a bit to the top and to the right. Nevermind.
Another hungarian piece. "Nem Felek" that means "I'm not afraid" at least I think it does.
What's next on my agenda? Learn how to ride a bike ... learn how to ride a skateboard ... go to see Nightwish live.
Nightwind .. Nigtwish ... is there a connection? Nightwind has a nightwish. That's better.
I can't believe I actually got to roleplay a bit today. Yeah. Back to the Dragon's Inn where I used to play. And people actually remembered me. No one ever does. I almost cried when they welcomed me back.
I believe I'll be spending the night playing at the Dragon's Inn.
Oh yeah ... I'm the only person in europe to play there. Heck I'm the only person in Romania that roleplay's in that manner.
I look at the card I got from Wizards of the Coast. Well ... I'm the first certified Dungeon Master around here.
HOpefully after the new academic year starts I'll begin a Dungeons and Dragons (whoops .. that's a satanist game, isn't it?) in Cluj, I have a few campaigns planned and a few eager players .... or maybe I'll start an online campaign.
Or maybe all these plans will fall over too
I hate the real world.
I believe one of these days I will have to explain what it is with Nightwind's Younger Days, won't I? Basically it goes like this: in te first online RPG I played Nightwind was an assassin and he soon became one of the best. But eventually things evolved such that his real skills became known and he took another assignament as the guard of that royal family in that game (some sort of Thufir Hawat) and there he realized about te mistakes he made in is life and how much he grew and he wrote a book describing some of his thoughts name -Nightwind's Younger Days- more like memoires.
Some of those ideas are adaptations of ideas I encountered in some books, but most are my own.
Good night.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
The rain seems to last forever but at least it's attuned to my spirit. I really have to dump this attraction I have for playing devil's advocate whenever possible. The world really needs a change. Or maybe I'm the one who doesn't fit the picture? I mean if I find something wrong in the world around and everyone else think it's the way it's supposed to be and everything is fine ... then the problem is somwhere in me, isn't it?
I find it truly wrong when people have a fixed idea about what's right and wrong and since they've judged everything then everyone else must fall in with that concept. Shouldn't people be free to choose?
Sadly, apparently not. There is no freedom. There is always someone there to tell us what to do and what's sad is that the vast majority can't seem to break with this. They feel lost when they don't have someone to tell them what to do, that things will be allright.
A beautiful voice come out of my speakers again ... Koncz Zsuzsa. Simply beautiful. Both the singer and her music. Yes.
I wish I'd be laying in someone's arms right now.
Dammit.
The pen is mightier than the sword but the keyboard does just as well.
Right
Where was I? Oh yes. Best example of stupidity: imposing democracy in a country who holds a complete different mentality and will never be able to deal with it. So the white world is always right and who doesn't think like us should die.
That's sad.
That's something like the christian world tried to do during the crusades.
Can't believe they haven't gave up on that. Wow! They actually travel across an ocean to do that nowadays. Strangely they missed the location by hundreds of miles. I think Jerusalem is a bit to the top and to the right. Nevermind.
Another hungarian piece. "Nem Felek" that means "I'm not afraid" at least I think it does.
What's next on my agenda? Learn how to ride a bike ... learn how to ride a skateboard ... go to see Nightwish live.
Nightwind .. Nigtwish ... is there a connection? Nightwind has a nightwish. That's better.
I can't believe I actually got to roleplay a bit today. Yeah. Back to the Dragon's Inn where I used to play. And people actually remembered me. No one ever does. I almost cried when they welcomed me back.
I believe I'll be spending the night playing at the Dragon's Inn.
Oh yeah ... I'm the only person in europe to play there. Heck I'm the only person in Romania that roleplay's in that manner.
I look at the card I got from Wizards of the Coast. Well ... I'm the first certified Dungeon Master around here.
HOpefully after the new academic year starts I'll begin a Dungeons and Dragons (whoops .. that's a satanist game, isn't it?) in Cluj, I have a few campaigns planned and a few eager players .... or maybe I'll start an online campaign.
Or maybe all these plans will fall over too
I hate the real world.
I believe one of these days I will have to explain what it is with Nightwind's Younger Days, won't I? Basically it goes like this: in te first online RPG I played Nightwind was an assassin and he soon became one of the best. But eventually things evolved such that his real skills became known and he took another assignament as the guard of that royal family in that game (some sort of Thufir Hawat) and there he realized about te mistakes he made in is life and how much he grew and he wrote a book describing some of his thoughts name -Nightwind's Younger Days- more like memoires.
Some of those ideas are adaptations of ideas I encountered in some books, but most are my own.
Good night.
If you want to secure your victory against your enemy you must first become his friend and when you've achieved that all his defenses will fall. Then you can choose te best means to dispose of him
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
I awake.
A new days with brand new possiblities.
A long time ago a wise man said that a man's worth is measured by his enemies. I'm not sure if that is really so yet I do know that it is impossible to stand up for what you believe in without disturbing others. When you are in the middle of a fight diplomacy and politics, it all goes out the window and the only things that matter are defeating your enemy and surviving.
I don't think I truly belong to this world, not at it is shaped today. I truly lack in self-preservation. My means of fighting don't ensure surviving but they give a better chance at victory.
10:30
How does time fly ...
I think I will go to role-play a bit more ... I did that all night.
I don't get it ... why is love one-sided? I had in my head just moments ago an entire speec about love and devotion and it's all gone out the window. There's something wrong with me now, being alone again after having tasted the sweetness of a relation. Now I'm trying to return to my old ways but ... it seems sour and meaningless. What do I do?
I know what to do. I begin writing. Writing and Writing until no name remains unspoken, no dragon remains uncalled and no demon unsummoned. Until there are no more stories left untold. I remember my first D&D adventure .. it was called 'Cloak and Dagger' just like the one released by Wizards of the Coast. A mere adaptation really. Now I have my own realm.
I wonder why there are so few role-players in this country.
Knife, veines, life, un-life.
Save and exit.
Goodbye.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
I awake.
A new days with brand new possiblities.
A long time ago a wise man said that a man's worth is measured by his enemies. I'm not sure if that is really so yet I do know that it is impossible to stand up for what you believe in without disturbing others. When you are in the middle of a fight diplomacy and politics, it all goes out the window and the only things that matter are defeating your enemy and surviving.
I don't think I truly belong to this world, not at it is shaped today. I truly lack in self-preservation. My means of fighting don't ensure surviving but they give a better chance at victory.
10:30
How does time fly ...
I think I will go to role-play a bit more ... I did that all night.
I don't get it ... why is love one-sided? I had in my head just moments ago an entire speec about love and devotion and it's all gone out the window. There's something wrong with me now, being alone again after having tasted the sweetness of a relation. Now I'm trying to return to my old ways but ... it seems sour and meaningless. What do I do?
I know what to do. I begin writing. Writing and Writing until no name remains unspoken, no dragon remains uncalled and no demon unsummoned. Until there are no more stories left untold. I remember my first D&D adventure .. it was called 'Cloak and Dagger' just like the one released by Wizards of the Coast. A mere adaptation really. Now I have my own realm.
I wonder why there are so few role-players in this country.
Knife, veines, life, un-life.
Save and exit.
Goodbye.
What is Pain? Pain is a warrior's pet, always at your side, your trusty companion. Whenever you feel you have nothing, be assured that pain is lurking inside you, through your veines, inside your soul. You cannot escape it, at every corner of your life, pain will creep into your soul like a loving puppy ...
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
My eyes do their best to part the lids and receive daylight. "Nooo" I mutter trying to take advantage of my last moments in bed but too late. The faint spears of light coming from a sun dying under the cloud cover pierce my eyes and disperse under a flood of swear words I didn't believe I knew. Unfortunately I'm awake. Back to reality. I believe I mentioned my hatred for reality before, haven't I? No matter. I hate reality with every cell in my body.
If the word hate was engraved in each nanoangstrom of every atom that builds my biological body it would still not equal one billionth of the hate I feel for reality at this very microsecond. Hate! Hate!
Yet te truth I am doomed to today. What's there for me today? I poke the power button on my computer and with a faint roar that grows, it sparks on to life. Lights begin to chirp and dance as te monitor is flooded with electricity. Pixels burst into colors that are changed 70 times a second. The burring noise that tortures my ears while the Windows logo floats around is my hard disk spinning like crazy 7200 times every minute. Meaning 120 times every second. I wonder if I can adjust my monitor so that it's refreshing pixels would synchronize with the drive's mad rotation. This is an existential problem that was implanted in my brain every since I learned that the E's in the food are bad. Errr .. what does that thought have to do with anything? Erase and rewind.
Next.
Sadness creeps inside my heart again. As I sit down I feel a void, a growing void. What am I doing here? A deep breath reveals the fact my room hasn't tasted fresh air in centuries. Who cares, it's not like anyone ever comes to visit. I check my mail ... no new messages. I perk a brow. What? My employers have no comments? Everything works fine? Dammit. At least when something doesn't work I have mail. Heck, when something goes wrong my mail is full. Sometimes I feel I sould get a bigger mailbox just in case there's a world catastrophy.
Music.
Blackmore's Night ...
melancholy again.
On a long road, miles to go
Its winding and cold and its covered with snow
But I ask you what we all want to know
Where are we going from here...
Indeed .. where are we going from here? Dammit, I feel like a caged beast roaming between the four walls of its prison. Thrown in, locked down, key .. where's the key? There is not even a window. Not even a sunray. Am I going insane?
Lines on my face , lines on my hands
Lead to a future I don't understand
Some things don't go as they're planned...
Where are we going from here...
Plans, dreams ... Do you know what quality dreams have? I thought so ... well, dreams are unreal .. figments of your imagination. Dreams never come true. Desires, hopes, dreams ... they all guide your calls and decisions like a veil over your eyes, a veil that is liften every now and then to reveal te true nature of the world.
A world which doesn't care
A world which hates itself so much it's gonna destroy itself
A world where one individual is doomed
If I was to vanish right now the world wouldn't miss me. A drop in the ocean. Even better .. an atom of hidrogen in the outer space.
Tracing the trails through the mirrors of time
Spinning in circles with riddles in rhyme
We lose our way, trying to find
Searching to find our way home...
Trying to find our way home...
Ignorance is bliss.
Yesterday it was a good day for roleplaying ... dammit ... I had a good time. Our group had to accompany a lady which turns into a werewolf at night but didn't even know it. We had to lead her to her mother, her natural mother who had deserted her years ago. It was a good trip, despite te fact Nightwind was almost killed. Soon we reached her father's palace and he had us arrested for kidnapping his daughter ... and well ... the story goes deeper but it was a blast! Three GameMasters had to fill in for each other as the quest lasted for 7 hours. Too bad I'm the only romanian player there, heh.
But these games are my home.
As the day dies, with tears in our eyes
There's too few hellos and too many goodbyes
Silence answers our cries...where are we going from here...
And the road goes on, seeming ever longer ...
Please help my find my way home ...
Goodbye for now dear readers. I must die so that I can be reborn.
See you soon.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
My eyes do their best to part the lids and receive daylight. "Nooo" I mutter trying to take advantage of my last moments in bed but too late. The faint spears of light coming from a sun dying under the cloud cover pierce my eyes and disperse under a flood of swear words I didn't believe I knew. Unfortunately I'm awake. Back to reality. I believe I mentioned my hatred for reality before, haven't I? No matter. I hate reality with every cell in my body.
If the word hate was engraved in each nanoangstrom of every atom that builds my biological body it would still not equal one billionth of the hate I feel for reality at this very microsecond. Hate! Hate!
Yet te truth I am doomed to today. What's there for me today? I poke the power button on my computer and with a faint roar that grows, it sparks on to life. Lights begin to chirp and dance as te monitor is flooded with electricity. Pixels burst into colors that are changed 70 times a second. The burring noise that tortures my ears while the Windows logo floats around is my hard disk spinning like crazy 7200 times every minute. Meaning 120 times every second. I wonder if I can adjust my monitor so that it's refreshing pixels would synchronize with the drive's mad rotation. This is an existential problem that was implanted in my brain every since I learned that the E's in the food are bad. Errr .. what does that thought have to do with anything? Erase and rewind.
Next.
Sadness creeps inside my heart again. As I sit down I feel a void, a growing void. What am I doing here? A deep breath reveals the fact my room hasn't tasted fresh air in centuries. Who cares, it's not like anyone ever comes to visit. I check my mail ... no new messages. I perk a brow. What? My employers have no comments? Everything works fine? Dammit. At least when something doesn't work I have mail. Heck, when something goes wrong my mail is full. Sometimes I feel I sould get a bigger mailbox just in case there's a world catastrophy.
Music.
Blackmore's Night ...
melancholy again.
On a long road, miles to go
Its winding and cold and its covered with snow
But I ask you what we all want to know
Where are we going from here...
Indeed .. where are we going from here? Dammit, I feel like a caged beast roaming between the four walls of its prison. Thrown in, locked down, key .. where's the key? There is not even a window. Not even a sunray. Am I going insane?
Lines on my face , lines on my hands
Lead to a future I don't understand
Some things don't go as they're planned...
Where are we going from here...
Plans, dreams ... Do you know what quality dreams have? I thought so ... well, dreams are unreal .. figments of your imagination. Dreams never come true. Desires, hopes, dreams ... they all guide your calls and decisions like a veil over your eyes, a veil that is liften every now and then to reveal te true nature of the world.
A world which doesn't care
A world which hates itself so much it's gonna destroy itself
A world where one individual is doomed
If I was to vanish right now the world wouldn't miss me. A drop in the ocean. Even better .. an atom of hidrogen in the outer space.
Tracing the trails through the mirrors of time
Spinning in circles with riddles in rhyme
We lose our way, trying to find
Searching to find our way home...
Trying to find our way home...
Ignorance is bliss.
Yesterday it was a good day for roleplaying ... dammit ... I had a good time. Our group had to accompany a lady which turns into a werewolf at night but didn't even know it. We had to lead her to her mother, her natural mother who had deserted her years ago. It was a good trip, despite te fact Nightwind was almost killed. Soon we reached her father's palace and he had us arrested for kidnapping his daughter ... and well ... the story goes deeper but it was a blast! Three GameMasters had to fill in for each other as the quest lasted for 7 hours. Too bad I'm the only romanian player there, heh.
But these games are my home.
As the day dies, with tears in our eyes
There's too few hellos and too many goodbyes
Silence answers our cries...where are we going from here...
And the road goes on, seeming ever longer ...
Please help my find my way home ...
Goodbye for now dear readers. I must die so that I can be reborn.
See you soon.
Like any good assassin it is safer for you to wear a mask, both on your face and on your soul. Remember though to take of those masks from time to time or your true face and soul will be forgotten
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Sanctuary.
I believe every now and then everyone seeks refuge to a place of their own. Whether in time or space, in this world or another, everyone has a sactuary to withdraw to. You grandma's place, a chat room and why not a forum, all can be refuge when the wing of darkness shades your life.
An ivory tower safe from the world around where troubles won't reach. A place where no matter how many tears roll from your cheeks, you won't drown in them. A place safe from despising or inquisitive eyes.
I stood upon the Ivory Tower
As far as I could see
The winds that grew from out of the trees were calling out to me
Curtains blew in the Ivory Tower
Willows start to bend
The ravens flew to escape the fury as the storm descends...
Blackmore's Night again. Again it's one of those days I wish for an empty and numb soul. I don't even know what I want to say. Is there a snake hole around I can crawl into?
Most of my life I've spent crafting a wall around my tower, a solid wall impenetrable for the many and only few receiving the gift of a temporary key. Of those blessed with a clear sight that might've penetrate the wall naturally, I tried to stay away. I know most people have a feeling they know things about me but the sad truth is that most of the time the answers I give to certain questions are given just to silence the inquisitor, they contain not even a seed of truth. Still .. I di tell the truth only when I consider it doesn't harm me or those I care about. I know some people have caught on to this and it's quite frightening when someone know I'm hiding something.
Fortunately those people understood I prefer it that way.
But what happened is that there is one being in this universe who found a key that remained lost outside. Of all people she managed to find it. What happened? She came in for a while ... for some reason she didn't like what she saw and decided to leave after ravashing my universe. Fortunately she didn't take the key back with her.
I followed fortune 'round the tower
Searching in vain
For through the mist 'round the old stone tower I only found rain
And though the cold, cold Ivory Tower was stony through and through
I laid and dreamed on a featherbed, my dream was of you
My dream was of you...
Where are you ? What happened? Why ?
feared not in the Ivory Tower
Imprisonment you'll find
Lies within your heart your soul, your spirit and your mind
It lies within your heart, your soul , your spirit and your mind...
Please help my find my way home ...
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Sanctuary.
I believe every now and then everyone seeks refuge to a place of their own. Whether in time or space, in this world or another, everyone has a sactuary to withdraw to. You grandma's place, a chat room and why not a forum, all can be refuge when the wing of darkness shades your life.
An ivory tower safe from the world around where troubles won't reach. A place where no matter how many tears roll from your cheeks, you won't drown in them. A place safe from despising or inquisitive eyes.
I stood upon the Ivory Tower
As far as I could see
The winds that grew from out of the trees were calling out to me
Curtains blew in the Ivory Tower
Willows start to bend
The ravens flew to escape the fury as the storm descends...
Blackmore's Night again. Again it's one of those days I wish for an empty and numb soul. I don't even know what I want to say. Is there a snake hole around I can crawl into?
Most of my life I've spent crafting a wall around my tower, a solid wall impenetrable for the many and only few receiving the gift of a temporary key. Of those blessed with a clear sight that might've penetrate the wall naturally, I tried to stay away. I know most people have a feeling they know things about me but the sad truth is that most of the time the answers I give to certain questions are given just to silence the inquisitor, they contain not even a seed of truth. Still .. I di tell the truth only when I consider it doesn't harm me or those I care about. I know some people have caught on to this and it's quite frightening when someone know I'm hiding something.
Fortunately those people understood I prefer it that way.
But what happened is that there is one being in this universe who found a key that remained lost outside. Of all people she managed to find it. What happened? She came in for a while ... for some reason she didn't like what she saw and decided to leave after ravashing my universe. Fortunately she didn't take the key back with her.
I followed fortune 'round the tower
Searching in vain
For through the mist 'round the old stone tower I only found rain
And though the cold, cold Ivory Tower was stony through and through
I laid and dreamed on a featherbed, my dream was of you
My dream was of you...
Where are you ? What happened? Why ?
feared not in the Ivory Tower
Imprisonment you'll find
Lies within your heart your soul, your spirit and your mind
It lies within your heart, your soul , your spirit and your mind...
Please help my find my way home ...
Look around, this is the world: a comedy for those who think yet a tragedy for those who feel but it is a playground for those who kill. Still only the latter comes as a choice
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Emptiness. Tears.
I jump awake at night screaming: Don't go! Alone in the dark I try to piece miself together again and leave my mind to rest but soon I find I can't. As the captain of a ship lost in the storm, there is no peace of mind. Where did I go wrong? How does heaven to so abruptly to hell? Why am I not good enough ... ?
Solitaire with a song in his heart
But what a sad song to sing
Turned his back on all that she knew
In the hopes of a golden dream...
My golden-winged angel, flying away from me. Why is your face in tears? Why dare you not look back upon me? Don't go ...
The feeling of fault consumes me from inside, I can't believe it yet I know it. What have I done? I can't explain it. This isn't happening, it's a nightmare. It has to be. When I'll wake up in the morning I'll see her next to me as always, as it was ment to be. What do I do to wake up? Please take me with you ... I'll bring the cosmos to your knees ... we will both grow wings, more beautiful and stronger than ever!
A chance wasted. When all your hopes are placed in a goal so great and so profound that you don't save not one bit, you put everything into that one thing ... and you lose ... what do you do? Broken, bleeding ... lying on your back staring foolishly at the sky. There is nothing to rebuild and there's nothing to use in rebuilding. Only a prayer that the end comes swiftly to consume he who has proven unworthy of continuing. That's life.
So the jewel of jeopardy
Shines with each dangerous step
So unsure of what we've become
What we have and what we have left...
Is there anything more than a game of chance? You take a risk, you lose ... the question is ... can you rise again?
Broken.
The answer is no. I don't want to. Come what may. I've played all my cards and proven to be a loser in the game of life.
Oh why didn't I die there ... in your arms? It seems so long ago, like pictures on a tapestry. Why am I here and now burried under the debris of my own feelings which are stubborn enough to live despite everything?
And the rains came down
And the stars fell from the sky
Oh, how dark the night...
It always seems those Castles and Dreams
Fade with the morning light...
A while ago I would've cried for help ... but that's not the way to eternal bliss.
Don't touch me!
Can't you see I don't have a soul anymore? Your touch burns more painfully than holy water! Your gaze pierces me with the strength of a thousand spears. Leave my poor soul alone! Where are you my angel, to drive the nightmares away ...
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Emptiness. Tears.
I jump awake at night screaming: Don't go! Alone in the dark I try to piece miself together again and leave my mind to rest but soon I find I can't. As the captain of a ship lost in the storm, there is no peace of mind. Where did I go wrong? How does heaven to so abruptly to hell? Why am I not good enough ... ?
Solitaire with a song in his heart
But what a sad song to sing
Turned his back on all that she knew
In the hopes of a golden dream...
My golden-winged angel, flying away from me. Why is your face in tears? Why dare you not look back upon me? Don't go ...
The feeling of fault consumes me from inside, I can't believe it yet I know it. What have I done? I can't explain it. This isn't happening, it's a nightmare. It has to be. When I'll wake up in the morning I'll see her next to me as always, as it was ment to be. What do I do to wake up? Please take me with you ... I'll bring the cosmos to your knees ... we will both grow wings, more beautiful and stronger than ever!
A chance wasted. When all your hopes are placed in a goal so great and so profound that you don't save not one bit, you put everything into that one thing ... and you lose ... what do you do? Broken, bleeding ... lying on your back staring foolishly at the sky. There is nothing to rebuild and there's nothing to use in rebuilding. Only a prayer that the end comes swiftly to consume he who has proven unworthy of continuing. That's life.
So the jewel of jeopardy
Shines with each dangerous step
So unsure of what we've become
What we have and what we have left...
Is there anything more than a game of chance? You take a risk, you lose ... the question is ... can you rise again?
Broken.
The answer is no. I don't want to. Come what may. I've played all my cards and proven to be a loser in the game of life.
Oh why didn't I die there ... in your arms? It seems so long ago, like pictures on a tapestry. Why am I here and now burried under the debris of my own feelings which are stubborn enough to live despite everything?
And the rains came down
And the stars fell from the sky
Oh, how dark the night...
It always seems those Castles and Dreams
Fade with the morning light...
A while ago I would've cried for help ... but that's not the way to eternal bliss.
Don't touch me!
Can't you see I don't have a soul anymore? Your touch burns more painfully than holy water! Your gaze pierces me with the strength of a thousand spears. Leave my poor soul alone! Where are you my angel, to drive the nightmares away ...
.... well I'll be damned, here comes your ghost again. But that's not so unusual, it's just that the moon is full
Transcript from Unicorn's Last Flight
Here goes another night. A starless one too. I don't remember the last time I've admired the sparkling ceiling of our world and I've grown to miss it.
Besides it's high time we talked about something else, I'm afraid you dear readers have grown bored with my pitiful lament. Be honest, haven't you? Whenver I begin complaining like that I have the feeling the best thing to do would be to drive a bullet throug my head ... unfortunately no one has been this merciful. Therefore I lost all of my dignity in a few phrases.
Isn't that fancy?
Anyway, the main course for today is te attached file here ... describing a fun interlude in the game I'm playing these days between me, one of my friends there and one of the game's Game Masters. Also ... just as a curiosity ... here's a like to the game's forum, which contains some of the funniest gags ever, just don't die laughing.
Here
Three black crows sitting in a tree
Watching the world passing by
Laughing at humanity and its pretense
Wondering where next to fly
And they cackled with joy and dove through the air ...
Like the winds of a hurricane ..
Transcript from Unicorn's Last Flight
Here goes another night. A starless one too. I don't remember the last time I've admired the sparkling ceiling of our world and I've grown to miss it.
Besides it's high time we talked about something else, I'm afraid you dear readers have grown bored with my pitiful lament. Be honest, haven't you? Whenver I begin complaining like that I have the feeling the best thing to do would be to drive a bullet throug my head ... unfortunately no one has been this merciful. Therefore I lost all of my dignity in a few phrases.
Isn't that fancy?
Anyway, the main course for today is te attached file here ... describing a fun interlude in the game I'm playing these days between me, one of my friends there and one of the game's Game Masters. Also ... just as a curiosity ... here's a like to the game's forum, which contains some of the funniest gags ever, just don't die laughing.
Here
Three black crows sitting in a tree
Watching the world passing by
Laughing at humanity and its pretense
Wondering where next to fly
And they cackled with joy and dove through the air ...
Like the winds of a hurricane ..
Alternatives? You must always be careful to provide yourself with alternatives, on every step you take. Every being is gifted with the free will to make choices but this gift isn't very useful if you don't have choices to choose from, isn't it?
Transcript from The Assassin's Handbook
Another day came and went ... and suddenly I feel very old. Whithered. Abandoned. Scorched. Void of purpose.
I very well aware that the time I have is limited. After all we all are endowed with a birth and a death of our very own. But what truly matters is the time spent in between. I see that most of the time the question people ask about a fellow who passed away is: How did he die? But what really matters is how did he live. Did he live the way he wanted to? Did he make something of himself? Will the people whom he has helped along the way remember him? Will he be praised in afterlife?
I remember after reading that book Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card I was really impressed by that concept: a speaker for the dead. Someone who would say the truth about you at your grave. Something different from those hypocrites who shed fake tears. Yeah, I believe we could really use something like that.
Still I am not sure I personally deserve something like this. After all who am I? The Earth doesn't tremble under my feet. I am not that important. Until now I haven't done anything significant.
This nightmare of mine keeps haunting me ... with me in fron of a judgement table and this person stands to look me and suddenly I diminish. In silence he lifts a gloved hand and beckons me to look towards this huge mirror. As I do, the image in the mirror isn't me but a working woman. And he speaks: What this woman, working throughout her life. She provides everything for her sons, food and shelter. Her husband left her but she went over that and prospered. Her land grew, her sons established their own families. She has seen her dreams come true. She lived and she though she should. The image shifts to a covered, forgotten grave. And now she is dead. Her land has been divided, her wealth has dissipated, her name is now forgotten. Will you be forgotten? And as his finger turns to point at me, I feel my soul leave my body, which now lays at my own feet as an empty carcass.
There is only so much time that we are given ...
What can we hold on to?
The sad truth is that in the end ... we are all alone.
Where has the time gone...it seems to fly so fast
One moment you're having fun, the next its come to pass
Days turn into yesteryear, old friends find their own way
Until the moment you leave...I wish that you would stay...
The quote in the beginning speaks about alternatives. But what alternatives do we have to our own existence? Are there any?
The answer in my opinion is yes ... there are. The universe our body inhabits is one, but what is reality? Our mind is a powerful tool which allows us to do a lot more than our body does. Our mind dictates when we need sleep. Our mind dictates when we get tired. Our body is a sclave to the mind. Our mind can even evade our body and travel to other places. Like when you read a book for example ... if you mind is free and imaginative enough you get too feel what those characters feel .. you get to live for a while inside that story. You exist in the world depicted in that book. And if you're brave enough to use a pen or at least your computer's keyboard and exapnd your experience by writing ... you get to interact with that world and even create a world of your own, one that you can interact with in your own way. And then your readers will become actors in that world of yours and enjoy all the things you created. In fact you can become a creator. You can create for others or for yourself. You can create in writing or just in your mind. Free your mind. Allow yourself to exist somewhere else. Otherweres.
So here's to you, all our friends, surely we will meet again
Don't stay away too long this time
We'll raise a glass, maybe two
And we'll be thinkng of you
Until our paths cross again...maybe next time...
That's all there is in my mind for now ... thankfully.
That you for reading.
Thank you for understanding.
Good night.
Transcript from The Assassin's Handbook
Another day came and went ... and suddenly I feel very old. Whithered. Abandoned. Scorched. Void of purpose.
I very well aware that the time I have is limited. After all we all are endowed with a birth and a death of our very own. But what truly matters is the time spent in between. I see that most of the time the question people ask about a fellow who passed away is: How did he die? But what really matters is how did he live. Did he live the way he wanted to? Did he make something of himself? Will the people whom he has helped along the way remember him? Will he be praised in afterlife?
I remember after reading that book Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card I was really impressed by that concept: a speaker for the dead. Someone who would say the truth about you at your grave. Something different from those hypocrites who shed fake tears. Yeah, I believe we could really use something like that.
Still I am not sure I personally deserve something like this. After all who am I? The Earth doesn't tremble under my feet. I am not that important. Until now I haven't done anything significant.
This nightmare of mine keeps haunting me ... with me in fron of a judgement table and this person stands to look me and suddenly I diminish. In silence he lifts a gloved hand and beckons me to look towards this huge mirror. As I do, the image in the mirror isn't me but a working woman. And he speaks: What this woman, working throughout her life. She provides everything for her sons, food and shelter. Her husband left her but she went over that and prospered. Her land grew, her sons established their own families. She has seen her dreams come true. She lived and she though she should. The image shifts to a covered, forgotten grave. And now she is dead. Her land has been divided, her wealth has dissipated, her name is now forgotten. Will you be forgotten? And as his finger turns to point at me, I feel my soul leave my body, which now lays at my own feet as an empty carcass.
There is only so much time that we are given ...
What can we hold on to?
The sad truth is that in the end ... we are all alone.
Where has the time gone...it seems to fly so fast
One moment you're having fun, the next its come to pass
Days turn into yesteryear, old friends find their own way
Until the moment you leave...I wish that you would stay...
The quote in the beginning speaks about alternatives. But what alternatives do we have to our own existence? Are there any?
The answer in my opinion is yes ... there are. The universe our body inhabits is one, but what is reality? Our mind is a powerful tool which allows us to do a lot more than our body does. Our mind dictates when we need sleep. Our mind dictates when we get tired. Our body is a sclave to the mind. Our mind can even evade our body and travel to other places. Like when you read a book for example ... if you mind is free and imaginative enough you get too feel what those characters feel .. you get to live for a while inside that story. You exist in the world depicted in that book. And if you're brave enough to use a pen or at least your computer's keyboard and exapnd your experience by writing ... you get to interact with that world and even create a world of your own, one that you can interact with in your own way. And then your readers will become actors in that world of yours and enjoy all the things you created. In fact you can become a creator. You can create for others or for yourself. You can create in writing or just in your mind. Free your mind. Allow yourself to exist somewhere else. Otherweres.
So here's to you, all our friends, surely we will meet again
Don't stay away too long this time
We'll raise a glass, maybe two
And we'll be thinkng of you
Until our paths cross again...maybe next time...
That's all there is in my mind for now ... thankfully.
That you for reading.
Thank you for understanding.
Good night.
Have you ever wondered how it is to be a shadow, standing right there on the border between darkness and light? Isn't this simple state evidence enough that things aren't always black and white? Good or bad? There is a wide range of gradients and justifications between the two. I wonder then on what ground should one choose sides. I wonder how it is even possible to be convinced of the side your are on at any given moment.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Strangely today I didn't even have time to think or breathe ... I hoep I haven't dissapointed you my dear readers with these very dry lines I'm writing, but it's time I return to where my home is: Cluj. I've missed it a lot these days. All day today I've been packing and I don't know how I'm gonna carry all the stuff I want to take with me.
Can anyone help?
I'm sure that in a day or two I'll return to miself.
Return to innocence? I don't think so. I don't think I've ever been innocent.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Strangely today I didn't even have time to think or breathe ... I hoep I haven't dissapointed you my dear readers with these very dry lines I'm writing, but it's time I return to where my home is: Cluj. I've missed it a lot these days. All day today I've been packing and I don't know how I'm gonna carry all the stuff I want to take with me.
Can anyone help?
I'm sure that in a day or two I'll return to miself.
Return to innocence? I don't think so. I don't think I've ever been innocent.
Whatever you do, don't hesitate. Act. But that's not the same with recklesness. If the situation is beyond your capacity to think fast, withdraw and reasess the situation. But don't hesitate. If you hesitate, you die.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
I skipped a day. A chapter of my life is missing a page. Yesterday. I guess it's too late now, the day passed, it's history.
Dust in the wind.
Carried away, scattered in the four conrnes of the world. A wasted day. A day spent travelling. At least if I had learned something new, instead of spending time meditating about the lack of second chances in life.
Drowned.
Have you ever had the sensation, the horrible sensation you have no mouth but you must scream? I know there's a book with that title written by Harlan Elisson. Isn't the idea horrible? It's the same feeling like if you have the weight of the world planted on your shoulders but there's now one to share with.
Weight.
I guess life is a burdain or a prize depending on how you play your chances. Knowing that I like to take chances, that I risk everything in a hearbeat believing in the ultimate good, I guess life in this world is ment to be a burdain for me. Am I a marcionist then? Hardly. If I'd dedicate my life to any of the beliefs running amock in the world, I'd choose tao. Actually I've chosen tao already but I don't live by all the rules yet. Not that there are rules, they are guildelines, each promoting a new level of spirituality. But I don't cosider miself a taoist, not yet.
We have only one chance to do things right.
Regret is a waste of time.
Can I be at your side for all the way?
Would you want me at your side for all the way? I wish I could just dump all these idea that venture into my head and don't leave me be. Weird ideas. I'm a freak. Or a creep? Dammit I hate that song. By the way, if you ever read the words 'wird' and 'thru' in my journal, they are not typoes. They are ment to be written that way.
It's wird, isn't it?
I want to see a movie.
Dang it ...
Did you miss me?
Allright, enough stupid questions. I need food.
I'll be back.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
I skipped a day. A chapter of my life is missing a page. Yesterday. I guess it's too late now, the day passed, it's history.
Dust in the wind.
Carried away, scattered in the four conrnes of the world. A wasted day. A day spent travelling. At least if I had learned something new, instead of spending time meditating about the lack of second chances in life.
Drowned.
Have you ever had the sensation, the horrible sensation you have no mouth but you must scream? I know there's a book with that title written by Harlan Elisson. Isn't the idea horrible? It's the same feeling like if you have the weight of the world planted on your shoulders but there's now one to share with.
Weight.
I guess life is a burdain or a prize depending on how you play your chances. Knowing that I like to take chances, that I risk everything in a hearbeat believing in the ultimate good, I guess life in this world is ment to be a burdain for me. Am I a marcionist then? Hardly. If I'd dedicate my life to any of the beliefs running amock in the world, I'd choose tao. Actually I've chosen tao already but I don't live by all the rules yet. Not that there are rules, they are guildelines, each promoting a new level of spirituality. But I don't cosider miself a taoist, not yet.
We have only one chance to do things right.
Regret is a waste of time.
Can I be at your side for all the way?
Would you want me at your side for all the way? I wish I could just dump all these idea that venture into my head and don't leave me be. Weird ideas. I'm a freak. Or a creep? Dammit I hate that song. By the way, if you ever read the words 'wird' and 'thru' in my journal, they are not typoes. They are ment to be written that way.
It's wird, isn't it?
I want to see a movie.
Dang it ...
Did you miss me?
Allright, enough stupid questions. I need food.
I'll be back.
But people don't act as you would have them, mother. And because people don't act as you wish you will always feel cheated. And because all people die in the end, you will always feel betrayed
Transcript from Xenocide
And I have returned.
TOnight is supposed to be a meteor shower, the Pleiades at their peak but nothing's raining yet. Not that I can see anyway.
What I've seen is a movie and an impressive one.
It's called 'Monster' ... and it's about the relativity of the chances we're given and dreams that never come true and about people for whom life is more than just being alive. And about a kind of love that proves that feelings have a difference source that the biological law of perpetuating the species.
Why is it so wrong to love someone?
Why do things have to be like this?
Why?
Can I offer my heart on a silver platter? Broken as it is?
Can it be fixed? Do I want it to be repaired?
Can I dissapear for a while?
I don't think there is a cure. Why do governments spent billions and billions fighting cancer when there's something even more terrifying than that ...
Paint me a picture and hang it on the wall
Colors so dark the lines will start to crawl
Down down down, spin me around and around
Draw me away to the night from the day
Leave not a trace to be found
Down, down, nothing is real but the way that I feel
And I feel like going down down down down ...
Truly
Pain me a picture of eyes that never see
Flashes of lightning that burn for only me
Hey hey hey, there's only the devil to pay
Ready to go, pull me down from below
Give me a play I can lay
Nothing is real, but the way that I feel ...
Good night. Take care of yourselves.
Transcript from Xenocide
And I have returned.
TOnight is supposed to be a meteor shower, the Pleiades at their peak but nothing's raining yet. Not that I can see anyway.
What I've seen is a movie and an impressive one.
It's called 'Monster' ... and it's about the relativity of the chances we're given and dreams that never come true and about people for whom life is more than just being alive. And about a kind of love that proves that feelings have a difference source that the biological law of perpetuating the species.
Why is it so wrong to love someone?
Why do things have to be like this?
Why?
Can I offer my heart on a silver platter? Broken as it is?
Can it be fixed? Do I want it to be repaired?
Can I dissapear for a while?
I don't think there is a cure. Why do governments spent billions and billions fighting cancer when there's something even more terrifying than that ...
Paint me a picture and hang it on the wall
Colors so dark the lines will start to crawl
Down down down, spin me around and around
Draw me away to the night from the day
Leave not a trace to be found
Down, down, nothing is real but the way that I feel
And I feel like going down down down down ...
Truly
Pain me a picture of eyes that never see
Flashes of lightning that burn for only me
Hey hey hey, there's only the devil to pay
Ready to go, pull me down from below
Give me a play I can lay
Nothing is real, but the way that I feel ...
Good night. Take care of yourselves.
Twice and twice he shall be marked
Twice to live and twice to die
Nurtured by fate's cold hand
And the darkness of the sky
Trascript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Oh mother earth, do you believe there is a place for us to go?
Pouring out of my speakers, these words warp through my mind dropping various thoughs like a raid of carpet bombers. Mother Earth ... this title reminds me of one of HP Lovercraft's stories describing the cult of Magna Mater ... the cult of the Mother. Why shouldn't it be so? After all, mother is the name for God in the hearts and on the lips of all chidren. Mother is the giver of life and life is the greatest power in this world. Without life there would be nothing. Without a mother none of us would be here.
A girl turns to a woman. The woman turns into a wife. The wife turns into a mother. And with this last steps comes the heaviest responsability. Life sprouting, holding the baby in your arms, the glimmer in the child's eyes. Time passes, his mouth manages to create a word. Mother.
Nothing can match the love a mother bears for her child. Nothing can come between a mother and her child.
"I love you mom"
The child grows.
Shaping a life. That's the greatest responsability imaginable. To take care of that body, to provide for him, teach him to speak and walk. Teach him to think, encourage him to have ideas. To create. To run. To have friends.
The child grows.
School is just another step, expanding the horizon which you, the Mother, have set. It's a whole new world where he, the Child, must deal with on his own and where you, the Mother, become the mastermind in the shadows whereas the teacher steps forth. You help him do his homework. You patch his grazes when he comes home after a ball game.
The child grows ...
How do you feel about your parents? The pair who took care of you and protected you. That sacrificed a good deal of their lives just to see you form into the person you are today. Are they proud of you? Are they proud of themselves for having you? Do you love them?
Will you be a good mother to your child? Will you be a good father to your child?
Sleep well ... sweet dreams ...
I'll be back in the morning
Will you be there in the morning?
Past is so familiar
But I guess that's why you couldn't stay
Too many ghosts too many haunted dreams
Besides, you were made to find your own way
But after all these years, I tought we'd still hold on
When I reach for you and search your eyes
I see you're already gone
But that's ok, I'll be fine
I've got miself, I'll heal in time
But you leave just remember what we've had
There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then
Can't do a thing with ashes
But throw them to the wind
Though this heart may be in pieces now
You know i'll build it up again
And
I'll come back stronger
Than I ever did before
Just don't turn around when you walk out that door
That's ok I'll be fine...
Transcript from Dreams of a Lost Soul
Perhaps ...
Have no fear...
We walk the narrow path
Beneath the smoking skies
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
Between darkness
And Light
Do you have faith
In what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot
When we cannot see
Intro to Jane Sibbery's It Can't Rain All the Time
Home alone ... truest freedom. These moments make me feel unbelievable alive. I went to get me an optical mouse today, but I was too late and the shops were closed so I took a walk home. Got milk and eggs and flour ... cleaned up then made pancakes.
Sweet music
I hear pounding feet in the,
in the streets below, and the,
and the women crying and the,
and the children know that there,
that there's something wrong,
and it's hard to belive that love will prevail
Alone but free.
Took a nap then back to work ... need to do stuff 'till evening.
Got a call from a friend on Skype ... we talked a bit. It's nice to hear someone's voice, especially when I don't have an actual phone. Watching a movie ... with popcorn. What's a movie without popcorn?
Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
Jane Sibbery's lovely voice.
Jogging ... then back to work. Turning and returning. Turn the music louder.
Laying in bed, all alone.
Oh, when I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me
is there something more to belive in?
Or is this all there is?
Dammit ... I miss her. I miss her. What did I do wrong? I'm not free, I am my own prisoner.
Is there something else?
In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to belive that love will prevail.
yeah .. I used to think that ... love. Break the shackles. Where's the key?
Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still belive.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.
What am I doing here?
I dream of one of those nights in moonlight ... her almost asleep in my arms. Every one of those night I lived my life. I lived and entire life then. I loved with all my heart. I wish I had died there and then. But ... for every smile of an angel there's a price to pay.
Until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.
When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh, can you hear me?
Why am I alive?
Back to work ...
I've already wasted my whole life. I want to tell you with my last breath that I have always loved you. I would rather be a ghost, drifting by your side as a condemned soul, than enter heaven without you. Because of your love, I will never be a lonely spirit
Transcript from Wo Hu Cang Long
A few moments ago I had so much weighting on my soul and mind. Now I've lost the words. I hate it when this happens, I'm not used to this. Maybe I'm losing touch. Maybe I'm losing miself once more. What can I do?
Trapped in a prison of flesh, I have but my mind to speed across uncharted universes and bring back memories which aren't mine at all. Am I making any sense so far? But whatever I do, there's one battle I will never win. There is no way I can tame my emotions. There's no way I can master them.
And time and space
Our only shield
Keeping secrets
Unrevealed
Falling night
Breathes in the dark
Trying to catch the morning star...
Where is solace? I don't want a heaven ... only my haven. So.
Where are we going from here? Rather, where am I going from here?
Back to work.
Transcript from Wo Hu Cang Long
A few moments ago I had so much weighting on my soul and mind. Now I've lost the words. I hate it when this happens, I'm not used to this. Maybe I'm losing touch. Maybe I'm losing miself once more. What can I do?
Trapped in a prison of flesh, I have but my mind to speed across uncharted universes and bring back memories which aren't mine at all. Am I making any sense so far? But whatever I do, there's one battle I will never win. There is no way I can tame my emotions. There's no way I can master them.
And time and space
Our only shield
Keeping secrets
Unrevealed
Falling night
Breathes in the dark
Trying to catch the morning star...
Where is solace? I don't want a heaven ... only my haven. So.
Where are we going from here? Rather, where am I going from here?
Back to work.
Stand back, stand back lads if you have any brains. The brightest blades of the land have arrived. Stand back so that you may someday tell your nephews that you've seen brave deeds done by the greatest.
Transcript from Code of the Harpers
I need a change. I don't know what ... today I've been wandering around the city looking for something new. A few hours later I neded up buying an optical mouse, a keyboard and watching 'Harry Potter: The prizoner of Azkaban' for the second time at the cinema. First time I saw it on friday or saturday, I think, at the Victoria cinema. Alone.
Somehow I'm becoming attracted to that feeling of freedom I get when I'm one of my late night strolls through the city. Going downtown from my secluded place, everything seems to peaceful ... and seeing the city lights coming closer and closer... One time last year I've wandered so far that I had to get a cab at 3 am to drive me home ... and I asked the driver to just keep on driving on the long way home, by the riverbank and playing some radio station but with such good songs ... and with the window open, just driving looking at the bright start and full moon .. and the music. Dammit it was great ... dunno how long we went like that but I've spent a whole load of money and I wasn't sorry. I loved every minute of both the stroll forward and cab drive back.
I love midnight walks. I love midnight jogging. I love the night.
They don't call me Nightwind for nothing, you know. After posting my picture on the pictures forum, I don't feel much better, maybe even worse. Did I hear someone laughing?
That's it for now ... I have to make a visit, I'll be back later. Don't miss me too much, I'm not used to being missed.
See ya later.
Transcript from Code of the Harpers
I need a change. I don't know what ... today I've been wandering around the city looking for something new. A few hours later I neded up buying an optical mouse, a keyboard and watching 'Harry Potter: The prizoner of Azkaban' for the second time at the cinema. First time I saw it on friday or saturday, I think, at the Victoria cinema. Alone.
Somehow I'm becoming attracted to that feeling of freedom I get when I'm one of my late night strolls through the city. Going downtown from my secluded place, everything seems to peaceful ... and seeing the city lights coming closer and closer... One time last year I've wandered so far that I had to get a cab at 3 am to drive me home ... and I asked the driver to just keep on driving on the long way home, by the riverbank and playing some radio station but with such good songs ... and with the window open, just driving looking at the bright start and full moon .. and the music. Dammit it was great ... dunno how long we went like that but I've spent a whole load of money and I wasn't sorry. I loved every minute of both the stroll forward and cab drive back.
I love midnight walks. I love midnight jogging. I love the night.
They don't call me Nightwind for nothing, you know. After posting my picture on the pictures forum, I don't feel much better, maybe even worse. Did I hear someone laughing?
That's it for now ... I have to make a visit, I'll be back later. Don't miss me too much, I'm not used to being missed.
See ya later.
Life is measured is moments, not in years or miles
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Providing the statement above is true ... how would you feel about your own life? How many moments have you lived? How many are those times that you actually remember? Those that haunt you either pleasurably or horridly ...
One ... two... a hundred? Do you hold hope for better? I wonder how many of you, my dear reader, already feel that your purpose has been fullfiled ... or at least that the sum of these moments engraved in your memory sum up to a lifetime.
Stories to tell your children.
Are you planning on having children? Are you planning on offering new life to this world or on offering new victims to life? Or maybe a little of both? Or you don't actually care, you just love that feeling of accomplishment that the small being which is the sume of you and your beloved gives you with every step they make in their own life.
Keep in mind that your child's life isn't your property .. .you're just their guide for the beginning and soon they will guide themselves. What will you do then?
Living on your own is yet another hard this to do.
Allright, I'll step out of my trail of thoughts for now to add something here ... I know some of you were dissapointed in me deleting my picture from the photos thread. I'm just uncomfortable knowing I'm on display somewhere. So I'll put it here, so at least I'll know that those who come here and read either of curiosity or boredom have some grounds to look at me (but I'm not responsible for any emotional or psychological scars that might be inflicted upon you from visiting this thread)
Where was I?
Oh ... life. Yeah, for some reason this theme has been patronizing my thoughts lately. I'm guessing it's because I feel so misguided and alone. I finished another project yesterday and now I'm utterly ... lost. No purpose, only a mind which persists on torturing me with various ideas.
Blast it.
Is anyone interested in a malfunctioning brain ? Or maybe it's my soul who's become defective. I'm not sure.
I just hope I won't become a danger to those around me.
Is anyone around the forum that's going to be or is a psychologist? If you'll ever meet me somewhere in a mental institution soon don't be surprised and if you do remind me to buy you a cup of coffee or tea. Just for old time's sake. Promise?
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm drifting again.
I'll take a break now before I run out of coke.
I still have some episodes from ST Voyager to watch.
I'll be back so ... if you feel the urge to run and hide I don't blame you. Just watch your step.
See ya.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Providing the statement above is true ... how would you feel about your own life? How many moments have you lived? How many are those times that you actually remember? Those that haunt you either pleasurably or horridly ...
One ... two... a hundred? Do you hold hope for better? I wonder how many of you, my dear reader, already feel that your purpose has been fullfiled ... or at least that the sum of these moments engraved in your memory sum up to a lifetime.
Stories to tell your children.
Are you planning on having children? Are you planning on offering new life to this world or on offering new victims to life? Or maybe a little of both? Or you don't actually care, you just love that feeling of accomplishment that the small being which is the sume of you and your beloved gives you with every step they make in their own life.
Keep in mind that your child's life isn't your property .. .you're just their guide for the beginning and soon they will guide themselves. What will you do then?
Living on your own is yet another hard this to do.
Allright, I'll step out of my trail of thoughts for now to add something here ... I know some of you were dissapointed in me deleting my picture from the photos thread. I'm just uncomfortable knowing I'm on display somewhere. So I'll put it here, so at least I'll know that those who come here and read either of curiosity or boredom have some grounds to look at me (but I'm not responsible for any emotional or psychological scars that might be inflicted upon you from visiting this thread)
Where was I?
Oh ... life. Yeah, for some reason this theme has been patronizing my thoughts lately. I'm guessing it's because I feel so misguided and alone. I finished another project yesterday and now I'm utterly ... lost. No purpose, only a mind which persists on torturing me with various ideas.
Blast it.
Is anyone interested in a malfunctioning brain ? Or maybe it's my soul who's become defective. I'm not sure.
I just hope I won't become a danger to those around me.
Is anyone around the forum that's going to be or is a psychologist? If you'll ever meet me somewhere in a mental institution soon don't be surprised and if you do remind me to buy you a cup of coffee or tea. Just for old time's sake. Promise?
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm drifting again.
I'll take a break now before I run out of coke.
I still have some episodes from ST Voyager to watch.
I'll be back so ... if you feel the urge to run and hide I don't blame you. Just watch your step.
See ya.
Will you be there in the morning?
Will you be there when I wake up?
Will you be there?
Transcript from Questions of a trobuled Mind
Allright ... so I this time I didn't came back. Call me a liar, will ya? Perhaps those episodes of a wolrd beyond our on got me so ensnared, more than describing the ups and downs of my life to other people. Sometimes I wonder if people are reading. Only a couple actually gather enough courage to write.
That's beside the point.
Wait ... did I have a point? I finished reading Dragonlance the other day ... for some reason the more I read it, the more I love it. I want more. An ancient world of lore, legends, dragons ... tormented by war and love. Healed by life. The more I read, I get the feeling Tolkien was just a beginner ... a pioneer lost in time. In my humble opinion Robert Jordan and Margaret Weiss are way much better in this domain.
Erase and rewind.
Oh right, we're in real life now, we can't do that. In real life it's risky to play with other people's life. It's dangerous to play with words. Why am I not an elf or a borg? Hm? Not only is human flesh so fragile but our spirits too. It's the combination that might offer some strength. Weak plus weak equals strong. Darn it, it's this kind of math that got me all those failed exams.
Save and exit.
Darn .. illegal operation again. This human has performed an illegal operation and must be terminated. Hit any user to continue.
I need to rest for a while.
Will you be there when I wake up?
Will you be there?
Transcript from Questions of a trobuled Mind
Allright ... so I this time I didn't came back. Call me a liar, will ya? Perhaps those episodes of a wolrd beyond our on got me so ensnared, more than describing the ups and downs of my life to other people. Sometimes I wonder if people are reading. Only a couple actually gather enough courage to write.
That's beside the point.
Wait ... did I have a point? I finished reading Dragonlance the other day ... for some reason the more I read it, the more I love it. I want more. An ancient world of lore, legends, dragons ... tormented by war and love. Healed by life. The more I read, I get the feeling Tolkien was just a beginner ... a pioneer lost in time. In my humble opinion Robert Jordan and Margaret Weiss are way much better in this domain.
Erase and rewind.
Oh right, we're in real life now, we can't do that. In real life it's risky to play with other people's life. It's dangerous to play with words. Why am I not an elf or a borg? Hm? Not only is human flesh so fragile but our spirits too. It's the combination that might offer some strength. Weak plus weak equals strong. Darn it, it's this kind of math that got me all those failed exams.
Save and exit.
Darn .. illegal operation again. This human has performed an illegal operation and must be terminated. Hit any user to continue.
I need to rest for a while.
I have always found human behavior so fascinating, they have a tendecy to act on their individual needs regardless of those around them and never for the benefit of their race. They are divided by interests and seldom reunite when facing an outside foe, even then the fight for internal dominance does not cease. I wonder how such a race managed to survive without eradicating itself?
Excerpt from The Human Race: An external approach
Something fascinating happened today. One of my employers brought my latest project to a satisfactory conclusion and finally payed me. It was a rather old project one I started quite some time ago and after a while I became unable to complete it so I tried to back out. After a break, I found miself in the position to continue so I did since no one wanted to pick up that project. For some reason, my employer (which I never actually met, he's a foreigner) was left with the impression someone else took over the programming job. And today he notes: We had some problems getting a coder to replace the one origionally on the project but in the end the project was completed and it did exceed initial expectations
I guess I should be proud of miself ... I'm a better programmer than me. It's not everyday one defeats oneself and has evidence of improvement.
For some reason I'm not leaping with joy. But I do feel content and a bit more confident. Wouldn't you feel?
Yeah ... I can pat miself on the back. Then go back to work.
By the way ... goodnight everyone. If you have some room for me in your dreams save that spot. I'll be there soon I hope.
Excerpt from The Human Race: An external approach
Something fascinating happened today. One of my employers brought my latest project to a satisfactory conclusion and finally payed me. It was a rather old project one I started quite some time ago and after a while I became unable to complete it so I tried to back out. After a break, I found miself in the position to continue so I did since no one wanted to pick up that project. For some reason, my employer (which I never actually met, he's a foreigner) was left with the impression someone else took over the programming job. And today he notes: We had some problems getting a coder to replace the one origionally on the project but in the end the project was completed and it did exceed initial expectations
I guess I should be proud of miself ... I'm a better programmer than me. It's not everyday one defeats oneself and has evidence of improvement.
For some reason I'm not leaping with joy. But I do feel content and a bit more confident. Wouldn't you feel?
Yeah ... I can pat miself on the back. Then go back to work.
By the way ... goodnight everyone. If you have some room for me in your dreams save that spot. I'll be there soon I hope.
What is life? A hunt? A search? Torture? A dream? A game? A wise ancient once said that to live is to dream and to die is to wake. Never before today have these words ringed to true in my ears.
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Nem félek ... the songs says. Nem félek ... I am not afraid. I was hoping for this song to give me power. Dammit what a weakling I am. Why do I see power somewhere else? Can I not harness the energy and strength from within? Sometimes I wonder what's left of me, if there is anything.
Where have I misplaced my soul?
I don't know what wrong today, I just can't get back to work. Help?
Again ... I look for help elsewhere. Why do I do that? Why do I feel so alone? After all, I've been this way for so long that I've gotten used to it and now for some reason it scares me. And I'm lost within this feeling. It's like a veil clouding my vision, dampening my mind ...
I need to break free.
And again I'm rambling about me. if I closed my eyes forever, would it all remain the same?
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Nem félek ... the songs says. Nem félek ... I am not afraid. I was hoping for this song to give me power. Dammit what a weakling I am. Why do I see power somewhere else? Can I not harness the energy and strength from within? Sometimes I wonder what's left of me, if there is anything.
Where have I misplaced my soul?
I don't know what wrong today, I just can't get back to work. Help?
Again ... I look for help elsewhere. Why do I do that? Why do I feel so alone? After all, I've been this way for so long that I've gotten used to it and now for some reason it scares me. And I'm lost within this feeling. It's like a veil clouding my vision, dampening my mind ...
I need to break free.
And again I'm rambling about me. if I closed my eyes forever, would it all remain the same?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?{/i]
Anonymous
I've restarted the work on my site. For some reason it seems to me so impersonal and empty even though I've worked th graphics miself. So imperfect and misleading. Again I wonder why.
The sun rises then slips into the arms of the night.
Another day goes by. Then another. Sometimes I wake and wonder what am I doing here. Why did I wake up? Do I have something useful to do? Why not hibernate until I'm needed? Or maybe I'm not needed at all ...
Then ... why am I here?
What is my real name?
Walking down dark alleys ... exploring the colors of the night and my own fear. Again something I haven't done in a while. It's so strange having to blend in with the world, dedicating time to life's needs. This is not freedom. This isn't what I want to do but what I have to do. Mutinying against this would translate into sudden and gruesome expulsion from this world. Death.
[i] Nem felek
Or am I? I'm afraid of becoming a prisoner of reality, become yet another drone enslaved to daily routine of going to work, offering my mental and physical resources for money. A mercenary. No loyalty, no family. I follow to where most money comes from. To this I'd betray those who offered me a purpose. I don't want to become this.
I've always admired the japanese way of life. Your job becomes your life. Your family becomes part of a greater family which does its best for you so that you'd do your best for the family. Loyalty and trust are of outmost importance. Crucial even. You have a defined purpose.
Ha megtalálsz
Find what? Stability. A place to call my own. My own haven. Someone to share miself with.
Someday ...
Somewhere ...
Somewhen ...
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?{/i]
Anonymous
I've restarted the work on my site. For some reason it seems to me so impersonal and empty even though I've worked th graphics miself. So imperfect and misleading. Again I wonder why.
The sun rises then slips into the arms of the night.
Another day goes by. Then another. Sometimes I wake and wonder what am I doing here. Why did I wake up? Do I have something useful to do? Why not hibernate until I'm needed? Or maybe I'm not needed at all ...
Then ... why am I here?
What is my real name?
Walking down dark alleys ... exploring the colors of the night and my own fear. Again something I haven't done in a while. It's so strange having to blend in with the world, dedicating time to life's needs. This is not freedom. This isn't what I want to do but what I have to do. Mutinying against this would translate into sudden and gruesome expulsion from this world. Death.
[i] Nem felek
Or am I? I'm afraid of becoming a prisoner of reality, become yet another drone enslaved to daily routine of going to work, offering my mental and physical resources for money. A mercenary. No loyalty, no family. I follow to where most money comes from. To this I'd betray those who offered me a purpose. I don't want to become this.
I've always admired the japanese way of life. Your job becomes your life. Your family becomes part of a greater family which does its best for you so that you'd do your best for the family. Loyalty and trust are of outmost importance. Crucial even. You have a defined purpose.
Ha megtalálsz
Find what? Stability. A place to call my own. My own haven. Someone to share miself with.
Someday ...
Somewhere ...
Somewhen ...
Beware of the wounded prey! He who was nothing to lose is the most dangerous opponent of all for he is truly unpredictable and the last stand most challenging
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Hello my dear readers ... or should I say read? I was suprised when someone picked me up on Yahoo to ask me why have I discontinued writing my online diary. I've grown to ask miself that very questions ...
Truth is I felt once more that my words have no effect ... guess that's why I was surprised to see that one person misses my diary. I'm not familiar with this feeling. Thank you ... you know who you are.
The other reason is that I've tried to seek a deep kind of refuge. I took refuge in work. Trying to hide from miself.
I am at a loss of words ... don't know what to say anymore.
Yesterday I bought miself a webcam. Dunno why, I don't use it that much, just tought my mum would like to see me when she comes on yahoo. She's been away to Greece for the last year working as an English teacher in an institution there.
The black brick road.
I met a blackbird flying south tonight
I looked into her eyes tonight
I saw her wings were getting tired
Still looking for the light
I search your eyes ... where are you? I miss my soul ...
There is evil on the way,
It will come with break of day
I heard her her say
Before she turned and flew away
But for the moment I remained
I tought I could find the way back home
And I'm still there
When she comes to show
She's always near
Down the black brick road...
Don't stay away too long this time ...
Transcript from Nightwind's Younger Days
Hello my dear readers ... or should I say read? I was suprised when someone picked me up on Yahoo to ask me why have I discontinued writing my online diary. I've grown to ask miself that very questions ...
Truth is I felt once more that my words have no effect ... guess that's why I was surprised to see that one person misses my diary. I'm not familiar with this feeling. Thank you ... you know who you are.
The other reason is that I've tried to seek a deep kind of refuge. I took refuge in work. Trying to hide from miself.
I am at a loss of words ... don't know what to say anymore.
Yesterday I bought miself a webcam. Dunno why, I don't use it that much, just tought my mum would like to see me when she comes on yahoo. She's been away to Greece for the last year working as an English teacher in an institution there.
The black brick road.
I met a blackbird flying south tonight
I looked into her eyes tonight
I saw her wings were getting tired
Still looking for the light
I search your eyes ... where are you? I miss my soul ...
There is evil on the way,
It will come with break of day
I heard her her say
Before she turned and flew away
But for the moment I remained
I tought I could find the way back home
And I'm still there
When she comes to show
She's always near
Down the black brick road...
Don't stay away too long this time ...
And the darkness calms my mind
I see the ravens fly, born of time, demon eye
So the rain becomes again
A master sorrows friends, a better end my sorcerer friend
And the rains are coming closer
Darker days are drawing near
Return of ravens ...
I don't know what's with my mind ... two days of working then a day of almost non-stop chatter on yahoo messenger ... what do I need to do to clear my mind?
Hrer birthday is coming soon ... in a few days. I was considering attending the forum's meeting in Brasov just to escape my own prison of thoughts. What's wrong with me?
Claustrophobia.
All of a sudden my own world seems so small, with walls surrounding me on all sides, every wall with a vivid picture of my past on it, something I can't escape.
Whither goes the way I ride,
In the moonlit raven's eyes
Staring past the purple sky tonight
So I hold on ..
*sigh*
What can I do but sigh? I look to the left ... memories come to my mind and a tear escapes my left eye. Laugh with one eye, cry with the other.
*another sigh*
I need something to do ... but what? What could be some utterly burdaining that would accaparate my undivided attention?
Damn, I wish I wouldn't exist.
I need to dream again.
In sleep's realm can no one die ... sleep safe little boy ...
Better hold on tight ...
Good night.
I see the ravens fly, born of time, demon eye
So the rain becomes again
A master sorrows friends, a better end my sorcerer friend
And the rains are coming closer
Darker days are drawing near
Return of ravens ...
I don't know what's with my mind ... two days of working then a day of almost non-stop chatter on yahoo messenger ... what do I need to do to clear my mind?
Hrer birthday is coming soon ... in a few days. I was considering attending the forum's meeting in Brasov just to escape my own prison of thoughts. What's wrong with me?
Claustrophobia.
All of a sudden my own world seems so small, with walls surrounding me on all sides, every wall with a vivid picture of my past on it, something I can't escape.
Whither goes the way I ride,
In the moonlit raven's eyes
Staring past the purple sky tonight
So I hold on ..
*sigh*
What can I do but sigh? I look to the left ... memories come to my mind and a tear escapes my left eye. Laugh with one eye, cry with the other.
*another sigh*
I need something to do ... but what? What could be some utterly burdaining that would accaparate my undivided attention?
Damn, I wish I wouldn't exist.
I need to dream again.
In sleep's realm can no one die ... sleep safe little boy ...
Better hold on tight ...
Good night.
And Abash the devil saw how awful goodness was ....
Transcript from The Crow
If I was the moon
Then would I be mistified
Slip thru the night just for a change
Locked up in a coven where i can never ask why
Wouldn't it be strange
it's so hard to say
I'm still seeking a reason to smile today, but the truth is suddenly I feel sick of everything. Swamped in work, and for what? Also preparing an exam .. and for what? I sit alone in front of the computer all the time, telling people on yahoo that now it's not the time and that I can't go anywhere ...
if you were the moon
I know you would be shining bright
Light up the night i know you would
Were I would just stay behind with my thought for a while
Like all dreamers do
I know i'll figure it out soon
What do you think of all the lyrics I plant in my posts to illustrate various flavours of me? Take a deep breath, relax. Some sort of negative energy is building inside, must exhaust it. Oh yes, stay behind with my thoughts for a while. Why not? Maybe once again I need to withraw deep within the abyss of my soul and find a crystal shard.
Shards of a shattered soul?
If I was the moon
Then would I be mistified
Light up the sky you know I could
But I would just stay behind with my thought for a while
Like all dreamers do
You know i'll figure it out soon
Yeah .. that's what I'd do ...
On a trip with the moon ... I'm going on a trip with the moon.
May the night be kind to you and your dreams, dear readers.
Transcript from The Crow
If I was the moon
Then would I be mistified
Slip thru the night just for a change
Locked up in a coven where i can never ask why
Wouldn't it be strange
it's so hard to say
I'm still seeking a reason to smile today, but the truth is suddenly I feel sick of everything. Swamped in work, and for what? Also preparing an exam .. and for what? I sit alone in front of the computer all the time, telling people on yahoo that now it's not the time and that I can't go anywhere ...
if you were the moon
I know you would be shining bright
Light up the night i know you would
Were I would just stay behind with my thought for a while
Like all dreamers do
I know i'll figure it out soon
What do you think of all the lyrics I plant in my posts to illustrate various flavours of me? Take a deep breath, relax. Some sort of negative energy is building inside, must exhaust it. Oh yes, stay behind with my thoughts for a while. Why not? Maybe once again I need to withraw deep within the abyss of my soul and find a crystal shard.
Shards of a shattered soul?
If I was the moon
Then would I be mistified
Light up the sky you know I could
But I would just stay behind with my thought for a while
Like all dreamers do
You know i'll figure it out soon
Yeah .. that's what I'd do ...
On a trip with the moon ... I'm going on a trip with the moon.
May the night be kind to you and your dreams, dear readers.
If my life is for rent
And I don't learn to buy
Then I deserve nothing more than I get
Cuz nothing I have is truly mine
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
I know, I know, I've been away too long. If you wonder why, I can tell you that I just haven't felt the need to write anymore. Maybe I didn't feel I have anything worth to put in words and waste the limited webspace of this forum. Maybe.
As a bonus, I've discovered there are many things in this life that you can't escape from.
SOS
Communication is a binary system.
Did I mention I don't want to grow up? Frankly I'm quite scared of the fact everyone expects me to act as an adult. What is an adult? I've noticed the process of growing up implies leaving some things behind to make room for new ones. But what are those that must be lost in the process? There are a few I wouldn't like to give up.
Still it's a fact that this big pink salad thing we call society has various expectations from an adult, expectations that tend to change with time. An adult seems to be required to focus on certain things, ignore others and act in a certain way.
All this seems like a load of crap to me.
Then again rebelling and shouting Just be yourself doesn't work anymore. If I could have it my way I'd go back to being a teenager forever. That can't happen. Time passes by, the only direction is forward.
I'm scared.
We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.
[SUNG:]
I hear pounding feet in the,
in the streets below, and the,
and the women crying and the,
and the children know that there,
that there's something wrong,
and it's hard to belive that love will prevail.
Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
Oh, when I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me
is there something more to belive in?
Or is this all there is?
In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to belive that love will prevail.
Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall
forever.
Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still belive.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.
Until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.
When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh, can you hear me?
It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall,
your tears won't fall
forever.
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