Bancuri Netraduse, ..adica in Engleza Optiuni

[Balauru]

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

[Balauru]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look
on his face.

"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it
again!"

"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism
and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I
just beating a dead horse?"

*****************

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole
in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet
the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned
out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How
in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward."

*****************

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.

"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to
you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

*****************

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the
main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to
the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the
judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

*****************

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The
first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel
after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his
hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to
wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and
said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

*****************

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender
says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay,"
replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is
gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the
bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

*****************

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign
that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.


"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did
the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

*****************

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be
lawyers!

*****************

I read #7 and I knew I had to forward this one on......

Eternal Truths

1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.

7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our
sails.

9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.

10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.