Bancuri Netraduse, ..adica in Engleza Optiuni

[Balauru]

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

[Balauru]

Genre: Bathroom Graffiti

Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way

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Genre: Elderly Jokes

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”

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Genre: Entertainment Jokes

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”
The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”


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Genre: Redneck Jokes

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

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Genre: Sex Jokes

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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Genre: Miscellaneous Jokes

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

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Genre: Elderly Jokes

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

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+ Dating Joke
I dated this flaky woman one time.

Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonite."

"Good!" I replied. "That makes the four of us."

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+ Sex Joke
A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.

The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55".

The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.

Gerry starts, "1...2...3..."

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+ Sex Joke
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.

The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"

The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately.

One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!

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LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......I'm so glad that this is my
last ... damn child support
payment. Month after month, year after year, those... damn payments! So
I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this
last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the
last damn check she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face." So my baby girl took
the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the wench had to
say and what she looked
like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?" "She told
me to tell you that you aren't my daddy..."



Acest topic a fost editat de Balauru: 15 Jul 2003, 05:36 PM