Bancuri Netraduse, ..adica in Engleza Optiuni

[Balauru]

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

[Balauru]

Can't Come To Work Today....

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
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Corporate managers are always a good source of memorable quotes. Here are some examples of mediocrity rising to the top:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
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New Martha Stewart Products:
File in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe

Scented soap-on-a-rope

Magazine article : How to Eat Salad With Only a Spoon

Book : 101 Uses for Leftover Contraband

New "slimming" vertical-stripe collection

Book : Trading Cigarettes for Fun and Profit

Decorative license plates

TV show : Quick Decorating Ideas to Do During Lockdown

Book : Conquering Adversity--How I Became Warden

Cybill Shepherd dartboard
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Long ago, cursing and beating a stick into the ground was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called golf.
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The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
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YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER:
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party so he goes to order a birthday cake.

The bakery clerk asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

He thinks for a while and says "Let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".

The clerk asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, "Well, put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom."

The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"
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SIGNS YOU CAN HANG OVER YOUR DESK AT WORK:
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!

I can please only one person per day, and today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
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A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

**************

Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother.

To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.

As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.

"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.

Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"