Bancuri Netraduse, ..adica in Engleza Optiuni

[Balauru]

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

[Balauru]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Balauru]

AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.

[Promo Contextual]

[bdl]

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.

Acest topic a fost editat de bdl: 22 Jun 2003, 01:18 PM

[bdl]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had
remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You'll fuck her again!"

[Balauru]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we
went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and
finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that
red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has
thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

Yes! Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Balauru]

Two elderly residents

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Hell, no!" replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"

[Balauru]

MEMO:



SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.



SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed
constitutes a breach of the Employment Contract.



PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.



VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as
follows: Jan. 1, July 1 & Dec. 25



BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to
the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.



OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own replacement.



RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of
going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.



LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal
size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
thee average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.



DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
we see you wearing $350
Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well
financial and therefore
you do not need a raise.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.



Have a nice week,

The Management

[Mistinguett]

N-ai sa crezi, dar de fapt chestia cu sick days am auzit-o personal (adevarat ca sefa respectiva nu a durat mult...) Not funny in contextul ala.

[Balauru]

QUOTE (Mistinguett @ Jun 24 2003, 02:51 AM)

N-ai sa crezi, dar de fapt chestia cu sick days am auzit-o personal (adevarat ca sefa respectiva nu a durat mult...) Not funny in contextul ala. >angry<

Really? Daca ai asa o prezenta de scena,bosii sunt iubitori de teatru :))))

Ce sa facem,capitalismul care are ca lozinca privatizarea obsesiva a afacerilor nu mai e la fel de simpatic.Probabil lucrezi la un particular.
Lumea injura socialismul,dar dupa ce nu or sa-l mai aibe,o sa planga amar.
Nu vorbesc de socialismul gen Ceausescu.Ala era un rahat.

[Balauru]

...am vrut sa spun: afaceri de stat: privatizarea afacerilor de stat.

[Balauru]

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou
travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several
saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have
her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and
were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods
he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading. And the young man did take
to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take
to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to the drum
maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist
on making drums that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name
that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

[cristoi]

You know its 2003 when

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years
3 .You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work, you
still answer the phone in a business manner
7. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally do
9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you
lost all of your best jokes
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined
16. Interviewess, despite not having the relevant
knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple
diet
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop
with all the latest features, most of which he can't
use or doesn't need but you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or youre
in hospital
20. There's no money in the budget for the five
permanent staff your departament desperately needs,
but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as
"works with computers"

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling
23. As you read this list, you're thinking about which
of your "friends" you can forward it to.
24. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks
to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net
(he he he)
25. You are too busy to notice there was no no.9
26. You actually scrolled back up to chek taht there
wasn'n a No.9 !?

Acest topic a fost editat de cristoi: 25 Jun 2003, 02:10 PM

[Balauru]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his
shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug / bird; some days you are the windshield /
statue.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the ass ...
then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 53.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

THE DAY MOST WASTED IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!

[Balauru]

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

[Balauru]

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

[Mistinguett]

Videos for sale - Which to Buy? The "Titanic" or the "Clinton" video.
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their fo rbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC V IDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

[Oana]

Cards you won't find by Hallmark:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years rhat we've been together,
I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married ...but not to you.

12. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina and West Virginia)

[Balauru]

This is a joke that is really funny, and it works!
An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world
for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to pay for the food.
The Sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old
ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual
animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the
animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to
the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
around. But the Sales-lady told her the same thing,
so the old lady went back home and brought her cat
to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
again, carrying a big container.
She went up to the Sales-lady and said,
"Put your hand inside here."
The Sales-lady shook her head. "NO", she said,
"there is probably something in there that will bite me!".
"I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you,"
the old lady said.
So, the Sales-lady stuck her hand inside the container,
and screamed.
To find out what was inside the container, you must send
this to at least 10 people. When it says, your mail has been
sent...instead of clicking ok, hit ALT-8 and the container
will pop up on your screen.

[Balauru]

THANK GOD FOR GRANDMA !
> > > >
> > > >A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
> > > >letter from his grandmother asking him to send
> > > >her a current photo of himself in his new location.
> > > >
> > > >Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in
> > > >a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but
> > > >accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
> > > >
> > > >He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
> > > >wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
> > > >eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
> > > >
> > > >A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
> > > >It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....
> > > >it makes your nose look short. Love, Grandma.

[Balauru]

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
> > > > > with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
> > > > > tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing
> > > > > them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look
> > > > > like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best
> > > > > bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
> > > > > two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down
> > > > > inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes
> > > > > you want!"
> > > > >
> > > > > The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his
> > > > > spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato
> > > > > and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before!
> > > > >
> > > > > Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by,
> > > > > covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking
> > > > > sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks
> > > > > him, "What's wrong now?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard.......
> > > > > "The potato goes in front!!"

[Balauru]

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a
Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the
Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a
brown
bag on the front seat between them.If you're wondering what's in the
bag,"
offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times
and says, "Good trade."

[Balauru]

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love the guy rolled over and as he was
looking around he noticed a framed picture of another man on the
nightstand by the bed.

Naturally, he is concerned and began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.

”Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied............

"That's me before the surgery."

[Balauru]

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,

happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it

was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there

anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the

female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away

...


"Hellooooo - we're all down here...."

---------------------------------------------------

The Female Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed...
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

The Male Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge Tits who owns a liquor
store.
Amen
--------------------------------------------

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"

*************************

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
mutual
orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No,
I think we had State Farm."

***********************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with
her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a
penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy
for
a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[Balauru]

The story of the fly


In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a
leaf beside a lake.
This fly said to himself:

"Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the cool mist from the
water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the
fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up
the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh,"
he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps
for it, that bear will expose himself and grab
the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have
a great trophy to show my wife and friends."

You probably think this is enough activity
for one morning near the bank of a lake, but
there is MORE to come...

A little mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking,"Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for
that fly, and that bear goes for that fish,then
that dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his
cheese sandwich.And I will have a good lunch"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this
scene and thought:
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three
inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs that
fish, and that hunter shoots
that bear, and that mouse makes off with the
cheese sandwich, then I
can have mouse for lunch...and that sandwich."



The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that
he heads down three inches for the cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps at the mouse,
But the mouse ducks, and
the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is probably in danger.....

[Balauru]

Can't Come To Work Today....

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
=========

Corporate managers are always a good source of memorable quotes. Here are some examples of mediocrity rising to the top:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
=========

New Martha Stewart Products:
File in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe

Scented soap-on-a-rope

Magazine article : How to Eat Salad With Only a Spoon

Book : 101 Uses for Leftover Contraband

New "slimming" vertical-stripe collection

Book : Trading Cigarettes for Fun and Profit

Decorative license plates

TV show : Quick Decorating Ideas to Do During Lockdown

Book : Conquering Adversity--How I Became Warden

Cybill Shepherd dartboard
=========

Long ago, cursing and beating a stick into the ground was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called golf.
=========

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
=========

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER:
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party so he goes to order a birthday cake.

The bakery clerk asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

He thinks for a while and says "Let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".

The clerk asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, "Well, put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom."

The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"
=========

SIGNS YOU CAN HANG OVER YOUR DESK AT WORK:
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!

I can please only one person per day, and today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
=========

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

**************

Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother.

To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.

As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.

"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.

Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"

[Balauru]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.

"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.

"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily:

"You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone víz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

[Balauru]

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$200", he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer and a blonde



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other in a plane. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Balauru]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket
and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my
wife appears out of nowhere"

[Balauru]

1) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes? Both of them.
2) Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
3) Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
4) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't
stop and ask for directions.
5) What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a
one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
6) How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer.
7) What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds
mature.
8) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
9) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't
know; it has never happened.
10) Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking? They all already have boyfriends.
11) What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
12) When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
13) What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a
jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it
all.
14) Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come
home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
15) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught
fire.
16) How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between
his toes.
17) What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better
than that.
18) What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
19) How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
20) What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
21) Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God
says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you
make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

[Balauru]

* Johnny asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". Johnny says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like
at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please
pass me the vagina?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth
buying the whole pig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
his dad, bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her
son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The
Mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time", says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his
Mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on
her knees, and blows it right back up."

[Balauru]

>*** WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
>(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>3) From which animal do we get catgut?
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>
>All done? Check your answers below!
>
>
>*** ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>*116 years
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>*Ecuador
>3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
>*Sheep and Horses
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>*November
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>*Squirrel fur
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>*Dogs
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>*Albert
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>*Crimson
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>*New Zealand
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>*Orange, of course.
>What do you mean you failed?!
>Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.
>

[Balauru]

This is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick; the winning entry:

"Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown."

[Balauru]

MEN RULING

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long.
In the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said:
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all dominated by women.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud !
Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied,
"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

-----------------------------------------------------

Senior Moments

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be
careful.'"
------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car goinga
the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
----------------------------------------
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife
with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago


Acest topic a fost editat de Balauru: 11 Jul 2003, 03:12 PM

[Balauru]

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[Balauru]

What Men Really Mean

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and
the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I
am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at
me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

[Balauru]

Genre: Bathroom Graffiti

Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way

************

Genre: Elderly Jokes

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”

*************

Genre: Entertainment Jokes

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”
The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”


*************


Genre: Redneck Jokes

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

*************

Genre: Sex Jokes

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

*************

Genre: Miscellaneous Jokes

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

*************

Genre: Elderly Jokes

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

*************

+ Dating Joke
I dated this flaky woman one time.

Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonite."

"Good!" I replied. "That makes the four of us."

**************


+ Sex Joke
A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.

The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55".

The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.

Gerry starts, "1...2...3..."

*************

+ Sex Joke
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.

The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"

The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately.

One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!

-------------------------------------

LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......I'm so glad that this is my
last ... damn child support
payment. Month after month, year after year, those... damn payments! So
I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this
last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the
last damn check she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face." So my baby girl took
the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the wench had to
say and what she looked
like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?" "She told
me to tell you that you aren't my daddy..."



Acest topic a fost editat de Balauru: 15 Jul 2003, 05:36 PM

[Balauru]

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"



THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"



THE THIRD AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Dooley, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Dooley had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Dooley" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Dooley is dead!"



THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. " No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for 3 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."



THE FIFTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"



THE SIXTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess," "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

[Balauru]

GRANDMA’S GOOD TIME

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed" the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No
wonder this baby is hungry.You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Balauru]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look
on his face.

"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it
again!"

"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism
and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I
just beating a dead horse?"

*****************

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole
in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet
the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned
out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How
in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward."

*****************

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.

"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to
you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

*****************

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the
main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to
the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the
judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

*****************

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The
first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel
after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his
hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to
wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and
said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

*****************

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender
says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay,"
replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is
gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the
bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

*****************

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign
that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.


"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did
the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

*****************

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be
lawyers!

*****************

I read #7 and I knew I had to forward this one on......

Eternal Truths

1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.

7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our
sails.

9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.

10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

[Balauru]

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese.


It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the
silence that they don't get along very well.

After about thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like
Chinese."

The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not
Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter, they're all
alike."


Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says,
"No
rike Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ...
all same."

----------------------------------

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."






Acest topic a fost editat de Balauru: 20 Jul 2003, 09:12 AM

[Balauru]

Beer Troubleshooting


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[Balauru]

Translation problems


In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."


Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."


At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."


Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
> monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

[Figaro]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[Mistinguett]

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There have been
only ten times in history when the "F" word was acceptable for use:

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999

And number 1 . . . drum roll.........................

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003

[allexa]

No Respect

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the
Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.

[allexa]

A young boy asks his father about Mum. "Dad, what are those things on
Mummy's chest?"
The Dad doesn't know what to say so comes up with "They're balloons,
son."
"Balloons!" The boy replies. "Why would there be balloons on Mummy's
chest?"
Dad tries to think of something fast that will satisfy the boy. "Well,
when Mummy dies, we blow them up and she floats up to heaven."
The young boy seems to think this makes sense and all is forgotten for
the time being.
A month or two later, Dad is cutting the grass out back when the young
boy comes running out. "Dad! Dad! Come quick! Mummy's dying! Mummy's
Dying!"
The Dad stops the boy and says "Calm down Son. What do you mean? Why do
you think Mummy is dying?"
The boy is breathless, but explains "Well, Uncle Arthur is in there
blowing up Mummy's balloons and Mummy's yelling 'Oh God, I'm Coming!'


Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!

[atheos]

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

[allexa]

Why chocolate is better than sex:

"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind..
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find..
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[allexa]

How They Are Made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. Do you know
how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"



To,
Juliet
Sub: Offer of love!
Ref: Meeting in coffee shop
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager


Dear Ms.
Baby, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I' ve been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your Activex controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Professional.

[secunda]

A discussion at an American airport, in the immigration office:
- Name?
- Muhjmatil Sahtamil.
- Sex ?
- Three times a week.
- I mean male or female.
- It doesn't matter...

[Catrina]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out:
"Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks:
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard,"what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Winnetou," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Winnetou Papadopoulos."

[sorin666]

In engleza il voi traduce... data viitoare
Titlul : Curs de economie

Supposons deux vaches...




SOCIALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Vos voisins vous aident à vous en occuper et vous vous partagez le lait.
COMMUNISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend les deux et vous fournit en lait.
FASCISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend les deux et vous vend le lait.
NAZISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend la vache blonde et abat la brune.
DICTATURE : Vous avez deux vaches. Les miliciens les confisquent et vous fusillent.
FEODALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le seigneur s'arroge la moitié du lait.
DEMOCRATIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Un vote décide à qui appartient le lait.
DEMOCRATIE REPRESENTATIVE : Vous avez deux vaches. Une élection désigne celui qui décidera à qui appartient le lait.
DEMOCRATIE DE SINGAPOUR : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous écopez d'une amende pour détention de bétail en appartement.
ANARCHIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous les laissez se traire en autogestion.
CAPITALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous en vendez une, et vous achetez un taureau pour faire des petits.
CAPITALISME DE HONG KONG : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous en vendez trois, par le biais de votre société cotée en bourse, en utilisant des lettres de créance ouvertes par votre beau-frère auprès de votre banque. Puis vous faites un "échange de dettes contre participation", assorti d'une offre publique, et vous récupérez quatre vaches dans l'opération, tout en bénéficiant d'un abattement fiscal pour entretien de cinq vaches. Les droits sur le lait de six vaches sont alors transférés par un intermédiaire panaméen sur le compte d'une société des îles Caïman, détenue clandestinement par un actionnaire qui revend à votre société cotée les droits sur le lait de sept vaches. Au rapport de la dite société figurent huit ruminants, avec option d'achat sur une bête supplémentaire. Entre temps vous abattez les deux vaches parce que leur horoscope est défavorable.
CAPITALISME SAUVAGE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous équarrissez l'une, vous forcez l'autre à produire autant que quatre, et vous licenciez finalement l'ouvrier qui s'en occupait en l'accusant d'avoir laissé la vache mourir d'épuisement.
BUREAUCRATIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement publie des règles d'hygiène qui vous invitent à en abattre une. Après quoi il vous fait déclarer la quantité de lait que vous avez pu traire de l'autre, il vous achète le lait et il le jette. Enfin il vous fait remplir des formulaires pour déclarer la vache manquante.
ÉCOLOGIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous gardez le lait et le gouvernement vous achète la bouse.
FEMINISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous inflige une amende pour discrimination. Vous échangez une de vos vaches pour un taureau que vous trayez aussi.
SURREALISME : Vous avez deux girafes. Le gouvernement exige que vous leur financiez une formation d'harmonica.
CAPITALISME EUROPEEN : On vous subventionne la première année pour acheter une 3eme vache. On fixe des quotas la deuxième année et vous payez une amende pour surproduction. La 3eme année, on vous donne une prime pour abattre la 3eme vache.
MONARCHIE CONSTITUTIONNELLE BRITANNIQUE : Vous tuez une des vaches pour la donner à manger à l'autre. La vache vivante devient folle. L'Europe vous subventionne pour l'abattre. Vous la donnez à manger à vos deux moutons.
CAPITALISME A LA FRANCAISE : Pour financer la retraite de vos deux vaches, le gouvernement décide de lever un nouvel impôt : la CSSANAB (cotisation sociale de solidarité avec nos amis les bêtes) Deux ans après, comme la France a récupéré une partie du cheptel britannique, le système est déficitaire. Pour financer le déficit on lève un nouvel impôt sur la production du lait : le RAB (Remboursement de l'Ardoise Bovine). Les vaches se mettent en grève. Il n'y a plus de lait. Les français sont dans la rue : "DU LAIT ON VEUT DU LAIT" La France construit un laitoduc sous la manche pour s'approvisionner auprès des Anglais. L'Europe déclare le lait anglais impropre à la consommation. Le laitoduc ne servira jamais. On lève un nouvel impôt pour l'entretien du laitoduc.

[allexa]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about| to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

[Rose]

Real stuff

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
==========
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about error, non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
==========
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
==========
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
==========
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
==========
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
==========
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
==========
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No ."
==========
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow, how can you see my screen from there?"
==========
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
==========
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
==========
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
==========
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
==========
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

[Mistinguett]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the
dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come
on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up
and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know -- I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[bdl]

Postat de dara


This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause.
" This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f****** stupid to own a computer!"


--------------------

You'll never see the stars if you are always looking down.

[Mistinguett]

Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2003 1:33 PM
Subject: patriotic duty

From: Atty General John Ashcroft
To: All good Americans

Patriotic duty

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, so this Saturday, at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON!

[bdl]

Postat de yoyoman

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you'! ve delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Sper ca v-a placut!

Acest topic a fost editat de bdl: 29 Nov 2003, 03:33 AM

[bdl]

Postat de siaab
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously
in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck
swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you
have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can
be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage
in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering
the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and
ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love
than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for
quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in
five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence
of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the
third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my
children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone
thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo
handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not
looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost
immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't
last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms
with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but
to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the
ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple
before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?!
Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do
you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

[EndLess_Point]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Stretch Limo stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of
it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the
mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However,
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will give her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: " You'll fuck her again! "

[E.B.E.]

Asta il pun in engleza nu pentru ca e cu copypaste de pe net, dar fiindca e singura limba in care are sens. Il scriu din memorie, asa ca imi cer scuze anticipat pentru eventualele inadvertente pe care le voi comite.

Somewhere in Ireland, a tourist enters an inn. Behind the bar, an old Irish-looking type, red beard et caetera. They start talking, and at one point the old man heavy-heartedly starts to tell his pains...
"You see this inn? Two-stories high, made out of the best wood available these parts, flowers at every window, a good roof, good cellar and all the stuff... Built it with me own two hands... Do they call me Peter-the-inn-builder? No...
"Go to the window, look outside. See that pier, stretching far out, into the sea? Built it with me own two hands... Carried every bloody rock on me own aching back... But do they call me Peter-the-pier-builder? No...
"See this bar? Black marble, shining, ten feet long by three feet wide... Brought the marble with me own little carriage, polished it with me own aching hands... Do they call me Peter-the-bar-maker? No...
"But ye fuck one goat...



Acest topic a fost editat de E.B.E.: 8 Dec 2003, 11:03 AM

[Balauru]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may Pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and a huge frown
and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."

[bdl]

Banc postat de TRESTY

Sa ma bag si eu in seama si la bancuri... probabil ca acesta ar fi trebuit pus la cele in engleza... dar mie mi se pare prea bun (unul din cele mai bune pe care le-am citit vreodata) cu atat mai mult cu cat se zvoneste ca ar fi o faza reala

Real Story: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM,
was running a competition to find contestants who could
come up with words that were not found in any English
Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence
that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to
Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two
standing out:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what is your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "We are just checking that (pause) and you are
correct, Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in
the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a
trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that
word in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced
that there is no place for that sort of language on a
family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the
following caller:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what is your word?"
Caller: "Smee...spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "We are checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Jeff. 'Smee' is certainly a word not found in the
English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip
for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that word
in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

[Zed]

A letter from grandma

Dear kids,

I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour.

I haven't been feeling very good - the friend I shared a room with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows.

It's been six months since you've visited me last, I guess you're all pretty busy. It's OK, I've learned to use the internet to pass the time. And the computer in the recreation room has a pretty decent webcam. So you can remember what I look like, I have attached a recent picture of myself.

You all take care, and write to me soon.

With all of my heart,

Love, Grandma






Scroll down....

























Scroll down....

























Scroll down....

























Scroll down....

























Scroll down....

























Grandma:

[Balauru]

English Grammar ( do you understand?)

occdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[Mistinguett]

Asta de lene nu-l traduc.

There's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You
might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM

NOW SCROLL DOWN...

























NOW SCROLL UP...


That's enough for the first day

[Balauru]

DON'T FART IN BED

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she

rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Mistinguett]

I swear to God, this is my neighbor! It went on for months, every morning, and then all of a sudden it stopped!

[Balauru]

Hey, le tragea el tare sau izolatia fonica lasa de dorit ???? )))

[Mistinguett]

Suntem atat de off-topic... dar nu pot sa nu lamuresc. E un vecin (nu stiu cine anume) dintr-o casa alaturata. Impartim o curte interioara de cativa metri - am 3 geamuri care dau in curtea interioara. Asa ca... ce izolatie?!

[LigiaB]

The miracle of toilet paper


Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want
your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over
the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt;
didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

[LigiaB]

Subject: International Health Study...

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

( On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

© The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking
English that kills you.

[LigiaB]

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which is
the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of
the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less

letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible .
Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of
the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining

"ou" and After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil
be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech
oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

[AdriaN]

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were
sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play
Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the
perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang..... (scroll down)






























Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a happy New Year."

[LigiaB]

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
note, "take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile
of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "take all you want, God is
watching the apples.

[LigiaB]

PUNS INTENDED

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too long?
Polaroids

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

[Ares]

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel great.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.

[Mistinguett]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot
on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had
something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian
Embassy in Washington. When one of these women
gets married, on her wedding night, the husband
scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in the
United States.

[LigiaB]

Who's In Charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because
I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I
circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd
all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,
"because I process food, "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I
allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because
I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of thestory?
You don't have to be important to be in
charge...Just an asshole.

[MikeEL]

- Marco, ieri sera ho visto tua moglie.. sembrava un cane da caccia...
- Perche?! Si aveva messo la peliccia ?
- No; aveva un ucello in bocca !!

[AdriaN]

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.

He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug.
After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- Who's there?
- It's Paul
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Paul?
- Hashish from Morocco.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Mark
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Marc?
- Marijuana from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Matthew
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Matthew?
- Cocaine from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's John
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, John?
- Ecstasy from Montreal.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Luke
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Luke?
- Speed from Amsterdam.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Judas
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Judas?
- FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!

[LigiaB]

AdriaN veeeeeeeery funny!

Am si eu un haioasa rau

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student at St. Alphonsus Elementary School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary
Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little
later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came ! to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good", and Mary
Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!!"

[MikeEL]

Un uomo si scontra con una donna nella hall di un hotel e nell'urto finisce col gomito nel suo seno. Entrambi sono molto imbarazzati. L'uomo cerca di scusarsi e dice: "Signora, se il vostro cuore è morbido come il vostro seno, spero mi perdonerete". Al che la signora risponde: "Signore, se il vostro uccello è duro quanto il vostro gomito, mi trovate nella camera 221".

bwhahahahaha

[Mihai]

Banc trimis de MikeEL:

[MikeEL]

Un tipo entra in una ferramenta tutto vestito per bene, pettinatissimo, scarpe lucidate e un mazzo di fiori in mano.
"Salve sono venuto per quell'annuncio..." fa al commesso ammiccando.
"Scusi quale annuncio?" il commesso perplesso.
"Ma si, su che ci siamo capiti, quell'annuncio...particolare...." ammiccando.
"Guardi che non ho capito.."
Il tipo compiaciuto tira fuori il giornale dalla tasca:
"questo annuncio! CHIAVI A PARTIRE DA 2 EURO!"


ps: sa-l traduc ??

[Mistinguett]

Cu dedicatie pentru Cain, de care mi-e tare dor.

HOMELESS
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner .

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything
I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the
homeless man

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man
looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex!

[Mistinguett]

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"

"You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The fucking funeral director," said his wife

[Mistinguett]

And this is for the guys

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,
shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic.

A little secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's
no special
holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life.
Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.; March 20th is now
officially
"Steak & Blowjob Day."

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created
so
your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the
holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin
pairing of
Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love
as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more
memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little
push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love
and peace to this crazy world.

[(Afrodita)]

Primite in mail de la un amic:

1) 4 miracles of a woman:
getting wet without taking a shower
bleeding without getting hurt
giving milk without eating grass
and making boneless flesh hard.

(2) A man bumps into a woman and says "So sorry ma'am.
If your heart is as soft as your breasts, you will
forgive me " The lady replies: "If your dick is as
hard as your elbow, am in room 603"

(3) Q : How do the Talibans seduce their women?
A : First they attack their twin towers, then they
crash into their pentagon.

(4) Girls reaction to penis sizes:
# 9" - oh shit pain!
# 7" - oh yes, yum!
# 6" - oh perfect!
# 5" - mmm ok!
# 4" - push more
# 3" - is it in?
# 2" - idiot! Just use your tongue.

(5) Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra
sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

(6) During pregnancy:
The 1st three month s, do it the normal style.
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style. Sit
outside the hole and howl.

(7) Latest statistics on 'what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife.
HOW TRUE!!!

(8) What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a
nude woman?
"Fuck you and your law of gravity, I'm going UP."

(9) Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'
He said: "my wife makes me pay $ 100/- for every
Fuck!"
Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others $
250/-"

(1O) Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency. Angry maid
says, " at least I am better than you in bed."
Lady (amazed): ?Did boss tell you this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."

(11) What is the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
" After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

(12) A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is
300% impotent.
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the
100%, and now he
has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."

(13) Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after
milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours
& then you are left unfucked how would feel?

(14) Policeman arrested a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free
demo.

(15) A female reporter was interviewing a farmer
regarding mad cow disease.
Reporter: Sir, would you like to comment about the mad
cow disease?
Farmer: Lady, do you know that bulls and cows only
have sex once a year?
Reporter: Sir, I respect your comment but we are
talking about mad cows disease.
Farmer: Lady, and do you know that we squeeze cow's
breast six times a day.
Reporter: Sir, but what is it got to do with mad cows
disease.
Farmer: If your boyfriend squeeze your breast six
times a day, but only have SEX once in a year - WILL
YOU BE MAD?

Cateva sunt chiar haioase

[axel]

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

[(Afrodita)]

[Mistinguett]

Asta e mai in gluma, mai in serios:

People over 35 should be dead.

Here's why ............

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based
paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround
sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet
chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to
learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them!
Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others
who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before lawyers
and government regulated our
lives, for our own good !!!!!


People under 30 are WIMPS

[E.B.E.]

Well, NOT IN ROMANIA THEY AREN'T!!!

[alien]

> > > > Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day
> and
> > > told
> > > > her husband that
> > > > the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.
>
> > > > Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make
> > love
> > > > with her. Of course he
> > > > agreed and they made passionate love.
> > > >
> > > > Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and
> > said,
> > > > "Honey, now I only
> > > > have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could
> make
> > > love
> > > > again?" Paul agrees
> > > > and again they make love.
> > > >
> > > > Later, Alma is getting into bed when she
> > realized
> > > > she now had only eight
> > > > hours of life left. She touched Paul's
> shoulder
> > > and
> > > > said, "Honey?
> > > > Please? Just one more time before I die." He
> > > agreed,
> > > > than afterward he
> > > > rolled over and fell asleep.
> > > >
> > > > Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her
> > > head,
> > > > and she tossed and,
> > > > turned until she was down to only four more
> > hours.
> > > > She tapped her
> > > > husband on the shoulder to wake him up.
> "Honey,
> > I
> > > > only have four hours
> > > > left! Could we...?"
> > > >
> > > > Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and
> > > said:
> > > > "Listen Alma, I
> > > > have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[Ares]

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

[Antont]

asta e mai lung, da' e fain(ma rog, pt motociclisti)

God was concerned.

Even immortals age, and Jesus, by the end of the twentieth century, was into his late teens. As an only child, with no mother figure to speak of, it was difficult. He'd spent the entire Industrial Revolution in his bedroom listening to awful music, and the cherubim and seraphim were complaining that it was destroying the whole Heavenly ambience. He'd even attempted to paint his bedroom black, but the Heavenly Light that suffused the place had soon bleached it a sort of fiftieth wash of cheap jeans look. That had caused a fair few ructions, as well. He didn't even want to go burying dinosaur fossils to confuse the fundamentalists anymore.

God sighed and returned to trying to get his Harley Davidson ™ to start. He didn't really like bikes, but at his age, it was either that or a fling with Aphrodite. St. Barnabus in PR said it would bring his image more up to date, more 'with-it'. The beard looked quite good, though. Perhaps, with Jesus now old enough to ride, he'd be interested in joining His Father on some rides? It would be something, at least...

God knocked on Jesus' door. 'Whaayawant?' came the grunted reply, the surliness only slightly broken by the voice warbling from E below C to G two octaves up in the space of those syllables. God sighed and opened the door, noting that Jesus quickly hid the picture of Mary Magdalene he had been examining closely under his pillow.

God sat on Jesus' bed, and the duvet creaked slightly. Jesus glowered at His Father, outraged by this intrusion.

"Now, Son, I know that it hasn't been easy for you lately, what with all those dingbats on Earth wearing those crucifixes and everything, but you really should get out more. Come out here, I have something I wish to show you."

With a grunt, Jesus followed his father out to the porch, and standing there was a brand spanking new Harley-Davidson ™ Ultra Wide Fat Boy Soft Electra Glide Sport ™, it's chrome reflecting the Light of Heaven in all directions.

Jesus grunted again, and spoke the longest sentence that God had heard him say since The Renaissance; "What a pile of shit. It's dull, it's such a cliche..." With that, he returned to His room.

God sighed and returned to coming up with new ways of annoying the humans.

Jesus, however, was thinking. The bike had given him an idea. With his own transport, he could get away from here for a while... maybe even that cute little angel over in the Lost Souls department would agree to come watch the Son et Lumiere with him... but he couldn't do something his father would agree with, though. The Old Man was so... so... so... here his train of thought was derailed by an epiphany.

Why not use Dad's own plan against him? Get a bike, but make it as far opposite as possible from Dad's Harley...

He began thinking. It would need to be uncomfortable, for a start. The kind of thing you could only ride if you were still young and supple, before lower-back problems and baldness set in. Instantly, a high, sculpted seat unit and fuel tank appeared, as well as swept-back, low handlebars and high, rear-set footpegs.

Now, it would need a tiny engine, designed to idle at speeds that a Harley would self-destruct at. A 125 cc engine appeared under the tank.

Now, the noise... it would need to set Satan's own teeth on edge. An expansion chamber snaked out and under the engine, and ended in a tiny carbon-fibre silencer.

Handling... well, it had to be absolutely perfect. Nothing else could possibly do to show up Dad's old bone-shaker. Instantly, a sculpted, asymmetrical swingarm appeared, gripping a wide, low-profile Dunlop. At the front, upside-down forks and another Dunlop. Connecting the two was an aluminium frame so beautiful that even Jesus' own breath was taken away.

The finishing touches now... a fairing, complete with huge air outlets and headlights that glowed with the Light of Heaven.

Jesus swung his leg over the Bike. He touched the starter button, and it rasped into life. He roared out of his room, a crash-helmet with dark visor on His head.

The Aprilia RS125R Extrema was born...



Acest topic a fost editat de Ghost: 16 Mar 2004, 07:07 PM

[mutulica]

what dodi al fayed said arriving to the pearl gates?

I was suppose to f**k Di in that car, not to die in the f**king car

[pufuletz]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[LigiaB]

D-ne da sa nu vad TRi.. gluma asta...

A drunk staggers (merge clatininduse) into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three
times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side
either."