Versiunea pentru tiparit a acestui topic

Trimis de: Balauru pe 21 Jun 2003, 01:35 PM

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

Trimis de: Balauru pe 21 Jun 2003, 01:37 PM

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 22 Jun 2003, 08:26 AM

AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.

Trimis de: bdl pe 22 Jun 2003, 01:16 PM

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.

Trimis de: bdl pe 22 Jun 2003, 01:20 PM

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had
remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You'll fuck her again!"

Trimis de: Balauru pe 23 Jun 2003, 11:36 AM

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we
went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and
finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that
red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has
thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

Yes! Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Trimis de: Balauru pe 23 Jun 2003, 10:22 PM

Two elderly residents

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Hell, no!" replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"

Trimis de: Balauru pe 24 Jun 2003, 07:21 AM

MEMO:



SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.



SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed
constitutes a breach of the Employment Contract.



PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.



VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as
follows: Jan. 1, July 1 & Dec. 25



BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to
the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.



OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own replacement.



RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of
going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.



LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal
size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
thee average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.



DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
we see you wearing $350
Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well
financial and therefore
you do not need a raise.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.



Have a nice week,

The Management

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 24 Jun 2003, 08:16 AM

N-ai sa crezi, dar de fapt chestia cu sick days am auzit-o personal (adevarat ca sefa respectiva nu a durat mult...) Not funny in contextul ala.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 24 Jun 2003, 09:29 AM

Trimis de: Balauru pe 24 Jun 2003, 09:30 AM

...am vrut sa spun: afaceri de stat: privatizarea afacerilor de stat.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 25 Jun 2003, 07:20 AM

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou
travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several
saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have
her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and
were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods
he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading. And the young man did take
to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take
to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to the drum
maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist
on making drums that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name
that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Trimis de: cristoi pe 25 Jun 2003, 02:07 PM

You know its 2003 when

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years
3 .You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work, you
still answer the phone in a business manner
7. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally do
9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you
lost all of your best jokes
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined
16. Interviewess, despite not having the relevant
knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple
diet
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop
with all the latest features, most of which he can't
use or doesn't need but you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or youre
in hospital
20. There's no money in the budget for the five
permanent staff your departament desperately needs,
but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as
"works with computers"

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling
23. As you read this list, you're thinking about which
of your "friends" you can forward it to.
24. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks
to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net
(he he he)
25. You are too busy to notice there was no no.9
26. You actually scrolled back up to chek taht there
wasn'n a No.9 !?

Trimis de: Balauru pe 26 Jun 2003, 06:38 AM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his
shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug / bird; some days you are the windshield /
statue.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the ass ...
then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 53.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

THE DAY MOST WASTED IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!

Trimis de: Balauru pe 26 Jun 2003, 11:04 PM

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 26 Jun 2003, 11:04 PM

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 27 Jun 2003, 02:28 AM

Videos for sale - Which to Buy? The "Titanic" or the "Clinton" video.
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their fo rbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC V IDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

Trimis de: Oana pe 27 Jun 2003, 03:03 AM

Cards you won't find by Hallmark:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years rhat we've been together,
I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married ...but not to you.

12. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina and West Virginia)

Trimis de: Balauru pe 27 Jun 2003, 10:19 PM

This is a joke that is really funny, and it works!
An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world
for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to pay for the food.
The Sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old
ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual
animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the
animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to
the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
around. But the Sales-lady told her the same thing,
so the old lady went back home and brought her cat
to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
again, carrying a big container.
She went up to the Sales-lady and said,
"Put your hand inside here."
The Sales-lady shook her head. "NO", she said,
"there is probably something in there that will bite me!".
"I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you,"
the old lady said.
So, the Sales-lady stuck her hand inside the container,
and screamed.
To find out what was inside the container, you must send
this to at least 10 people. When it says, your mail has been
sent...instead of clicking ok, hit ALT-8 and the container
will pop up on your screen.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 29 Jun 2003, 08:18 AM

THANK GOD FOR GRANDMA !
> > > >
> > > >A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
> > > >letter from his grandmother asking him to send
> > > >her a current photo of himself in his new location.
> > > >
> > > >Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in
> > > >a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but
> > > >accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
> > > >
> > > >He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
> > > >wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
> > > >eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
> > > >
> > > >A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
> > > >It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....
> > > >it makes your nose look short. Love, Grandma.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 29 Jun 2003, 08:19 AM

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
> > > > > with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
> > > > > tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing
> > > > > them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look
> > > > > like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best
> > > > > bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
> > > > > two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down
> > > > > inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes
> > > > > you want!"
> > > > >
> > > > > The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his
> > > > > spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato
> > > > > and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before!
> > > > >
> > > > > Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by,
> > > > > covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking
> > > > > sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks
> > > > > him, "What's wrong now?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard.......
> > > > > "The potato goes in front!!"

Trimis de: Balauru pe 30 Jun 2003, 03:55 PM

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a
Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the
Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a
brown
bag on the front seat between them.If you're wondering what's in the
bag,"
offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times
and says, "Good trade."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 30 Jun 2003, 03:58 PM

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love the guy rolled over and as he was
looking around he noticed a framed picture of another man on the
nightstand by the bed.

Naturally, he is concerned and began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.

”Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied............

"That's me before the surgery."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 1 Jul 2003, 07:13 AM

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,

happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it

was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there

anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the

female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away

...


"Hellooooo - we're all down here...."

---------------------------------------------------

The Female Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed...
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

The Male Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge Tits who owns a liquor
store.
Amen
--------------------------------------------

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"

*************************

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
mutual
orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No,
I think we had State Farm."

***********************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with
her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a
penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy
for
a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 2 Jul 2003, 07:09 AM

The story of the fly


In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a
leaf beside a lake.
This fly said to himself:

"Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the cool mist from the
water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the
fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up
the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh,"
he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps
for it, that bear will expose himself and grab
the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have
a great trophy to show my wife and friends."

You probably think this is enough activity
for one morning near the bank of a lake, but
there is MORE to come...

A little mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking,"Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for
that fly, and that bear goes for that fish,then
that dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his
cheese sandwich.And I will have a good lunch"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this
scene and thought:
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three
inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs that
fish, and that hunter shoots
that bear, and that mouse makes off with the
cheese sandwich, then I
can have mouse for lunch...and that sandwich."



The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that
he heads down three inches for the cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps at the mouse,
But the mouse ducks, and
the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is probably in danger.....

Trimis de: Balauru pe 4 Jul 2003, 12:31 PM

Can't Come To Work Today....

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
=========

Corporate managers are always a good source of memorable quotes. Here are some examples of mediocrity rising to the top:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
=========

New Martha Stewart Products:
File in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe

Scented soap-on-a-rope

Magazine article : How to Eat Salad With Only a Spoon

Book : 101 Uses for Leftover Contraband

New "slimming" vertical-stripe collection

Book : Trading Cigarettes for Fun and Profit

Decorative license plates

TV show : Quick Decorating Ideas to Do During Lockdown

Book : Conquering Adversity--How I Became Warden

Cybill Shepherd dartboard
=========

Long ago, cursing and beating a stick into the ground was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called golf.
=========

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
=========

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER:
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party so he goes to order a birthday cake.

The bakery clerk asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

He thinks for a while and says "Let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".

The clerk asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, "Well, put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom."

The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"
=========

SIGNS YOU CAN HANG OVER YOUR DESK AT WORK:
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!

I can please only one person per day, and today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
=========

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

**************

Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother.

To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.

As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.

"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.

Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"

Trimis de: Balauru pe 4 Jul 2003, 07:09 PM

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.

"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.

"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily:

"You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone víz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 5 Jul 2003, 09:48 AM

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$200", he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer and a blonde



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other in a plane. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 6 Jul 2003, 06:57 AM

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket
and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my
wife appears out of nowhere"

Trimis de: Balauru pe 6 Jul 2003, 09:09 AM

1) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes? Both of them.
2) Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
3) Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
4) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't
stop and ask for directions.
5) What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a
one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
6) How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer.
7) What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds
mature.
8) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
9) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't
know; it has never happened.
10) Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking? They all already have boyfriends.
11) What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
12) When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
13) What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a
jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it
all.
14) Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come
home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
15) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught
fire.
16) How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between
his toes.
17) What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better
than that.
18) What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
19) How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
20) What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
21) Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God
says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you
make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 7 Jul 2003, 11:48 AM

* Johnny asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". Johnny says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like
at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please
pass me the vagina?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth
buying the whole pig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
his dad, bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her
son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The
Mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time", says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his
Mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on
her knees, and blows it right back up."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 9 Jul 2003, 09:40 AM

>*** WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
>(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>3) From which animal do we get catgut?
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>
>All done? Check your answers below!
>
>
>*** ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>*116 years
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>*Ecuador
>3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
>*Sheep and Horses
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>*November
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>*Squirrel fur
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>*Dogs
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>*Albert
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>*Crimson
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>*New Zealand
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>*Orange, of course.
>What do you mean you failed?!
>Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.
>

Trimis de: Balauru pe 9 Jul 2003, 04:32 PM

This is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick; the winning entry:

"Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 11 Jul 2003, 02:33 PM

MEN RULING

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long.
In the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said:
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all dominated by women.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud !
Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied,
"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

-----------------------------------------------------

Senior Moments

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be
careful.'"
------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car goinga
the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
----------------------------------------
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife
with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago

Trimis de: Balauru pe 13 Jul 2003, 12:14 PM

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 14 Jul 2003, 06:15 PM

What Men Really Mean

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and
the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I
am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at
me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 15 Jul 2003, 12:02 PM

Genre: Bathroom Graffiti

Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way

************

Genre: Elderly Jokes

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”

*************

Genre: Entertainment Jokes

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”
The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”


*************


Genre: Redneck Jokes

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

*************

Genre: Sex Jokes

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

*************

Genre: Miscellaneous Jokes

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

*************

Genre: Elderly Jokes

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

*************

+ Dating Joke
I dated this flaky woman one time.

Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonite."

"Good!" I replied. "That makes the four of us."

**************


+ Sex Joke
A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.

The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55".

The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.

Gerry starts, "1...2...3..."

*************

+ Sex Joke
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.

The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"

The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately.

One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!

-------------------------------------

LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......I'm so glad that this is my
last ... damn child support
payment. Month after month, year after year, those... damn payments! So
I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this
last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the
last damn check she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face." So my baby girl took
the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the wench had to
say and what she looked
like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?" "She told
me to tell you that you aren't my daddy..."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 15 Jul 2003, 07:15 PM

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"



THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"



THE THIRD AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Dooley, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Dooley had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Dooley" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Dooley is dead!"



THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. " No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for 3 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."



THE FIFTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"



THE SIXTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess," "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 16 Jul 2003, 06:58 AM

GRANDMA’S GOOD TIME

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed" the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No
wonder this baby is hungry.You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 17 Jul 2003, 11:26 AM

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look
on his face.

"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it
again!"

"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism
and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I
just beating a dead horse?"

*****************

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole
in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet
the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned
out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How
in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward."

*****************

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.

"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to
you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

*****************

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the
main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to
the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the
judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

*****************

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The
first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel
after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his
hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to
wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and
said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

*****************

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender
says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay,"
replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is
gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the
bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

*****************

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign
that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.


"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did
the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

*****************

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be
lawyers!

*****************

I read #7 and I knew I had to forward this one on......

Eternal Truths

1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.

7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our
sails.

9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.

10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 20 Jul 2003, 07:08 AM

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese.


It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the
silence that they don't get along very well.

After about thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like
Chinese."

The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not
Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter, they're all
alike."


Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says,
"No
rike Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ...
all same."

----------------------------------

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

Trimis de: Balauru pe 22 Jul 2003, 08:39 AM

Beer Troubleshooting


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Trimis de: Balauru pe 24 Jul 2003, 06:56 AM

Translation problems


In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."


Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."


At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."


Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
> monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

Trimis de: Figaro pe 29 Jul 2003, 04:42 PM

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 21 Sep 2003, 01:57 AM

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There have been
only ten times in history when the "F" word was acceptable for use:

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999

And number 1 . . . drum roll.........................

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003

Trimis de: allexa pe 22 Sep 2003, 05:45 AM

No Respect

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the
Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.

Trimis de: allexa pe 25 Sep 2003, 12:41 AM

A young boy asks his father about Mum. "Dad, what are those things on
Mummy's chest?"
The Dad doesn't know what to say so comes up with "They're balloons,
son."
"Balloons!" The boy replies. "Why would there be balloons on Mummy's
chest?"
Dad tries to think of something fast that will satisfy the boy. "Well,
when Mummy dies, we blow them up and she floats up to heaven."
The young boy seems to think this makes sense and all is forgotten for
the time being.
A month or two later, Dad is cutting the grass out back when the young
boy comes running out. "Dad! Dad! Come quick! Mummy's dying! Mummy's
Dying!"
The Dad stops the boy and says "Calm down Son. What do you mean? Why do
you think Mummy is dying?"
The boy is breathless, but explains "Well, Uncle Arthur is in there
blowing up Mummy's balloons and Mummy's yelling 'Oh God, I'm Coming!'


Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!

Trimis de: atheos pe 30 Sep 2003, 08:53 AM

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

Trimis de: allexa pe 30 Sep 2003, 09:11 PM

Why chocolate is better than sex:

"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind..
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find..
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Trimis de: allexa pe 8 Oct 2003, 12:46 AM

How They Are Made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. Do you know
how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"



To,
Juliet
Sub: Offer of love!
Ref: Meeting in coffee shop
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager


Dear Ms.
Baby, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I' ve been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your Activex controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Professional.

Trimis de: secunda pe 8 Oct 2003, 04:22 PM

A discussion at an American airport, in the immigration office:
- Name?
- Muhjmatil Sahtamil.
- Sex ?
- Three times a week.
- I mean male or female.
- It doesn't matter...

Trimis de: Catrina pe 8 Oct 2003, 06:17 PM

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out:
"Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks:
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard,"what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Winnetou," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Winnetou Papadopoulos."

Trimis de: sorin666 pe 21 Oct 2003, 02:03 PM

In engleza il voi traduce... data viitoare
Titlul : Curs de economie

Supposons deux vaches...




SOCIALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Vos voisins vous aident à vous en occuper et vous vous partagez le lait.
COMMUNISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend les deux et vous fournit en lait.
FASCISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend les deux et vous vend le lait.
NAZISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend la vache blonde et abat la brune.
DICTATURE : Vous avez deux vaches. Les miliciens les confisquent et vous fusillent.
FEODALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le seigneur s'arroge la moitié du lait.
DEMOCRATIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Un vote décide à qui appartient le lait.
DEMOCRATIE REPRESENTATIVE : Vous avez deux vaches. Une élection désigne celui qui décidera à qui appartient le lait.
DEMOCRATIE DE SINGAPOUR : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous écopez d'une amende pour détention de bétail en appartement.
ANARCHIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous les laissez se traire en autogestion.
CAPITALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous en vendez une, et vous achetez un taureau pour faire des petits.
CAPITALISME DE HONG KONG : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous en vendez trois, par le biais de votre société cotée en bourse, en utilisant des lettres de créance ouvertes par votre beau-frère auprès de votre banque. Puis vous faites un "échange de dettes contre participation", assorti d'une offre publique, et vous récupérez quatre vaches dans l'opération, tout en bénéficiant d'un abattement fiscal pour entretien de cinq vaches. Les droits sur le lait de six vaches sont alors transférés par un intermédiaire panaméen sur le compte d'une société des îles Caïman, détenue clandestinement par un actionnaire qui revend à votre société cotée les droits sur le lait de sept vaches. Au rapport de la dite société figurent huit ruminants, avec option d'achat sur une bête supplémentaire. Entre temps vous abattez les deux vaches parce que leur horoscope est défavorable.
CAPITALISME SAUVAGE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous équarrissez l'une, vous forcez l'autre à produire autant que quatre, et vous licenciez finalement l'ouvrier qui s'en occupait en l'accusant d'avoir laissé la vache mourir d'épuisement.
BUREAUCRATIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement publie des règles d'hygiène qui vous invitent à en abattre une. Après quoi il vous fait déclarer la quantité de lait que vous avez pu traire de l'autre, il vous achète le lait et il le jette. Enfin il vous fait remplir des formulaires pour déclarer la vache manquante.
ÉCOLOGIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous gardez le lait et le gouvernement vous achète la bouse.
FEMINISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous inflige une amende pour discrimination. Vous échangez une de vos vaches pour un taureau que vous trayez aussi.
SURREALISME : Vous avez deux girafes. Le gouvernement exige que vous leur financiez une formation d'harmonica.
CAPITALISME EUROPEEN : On vous subventionne la première année pour acheter une 3eme vache. On fixe des quotas la deuxième année et vous payez une amende pour surproduction. La 3eme année, on vous donne une prime pour abattre la 3eme vache.
MONARCHIE CONSTITUTIONNELLE BRITANNIQUE : Vous tuez une des vaches pour la donner à manger à l'autre. La vache vivante devient folle. L'Europe vous subventionne pour l'abattre. Vous la donnez à manger à vos deux moutons.
CAPITALISME A LA FRANCAISE : Pour financer la retraite de vos deux vaches, le gouvernement décide de lever un nouvel impôt : la CSSANAB (cotisation sociale de solidarité avec nos amis les bêtes) Deux ans après, comme la France a récupéré une partie du cheptel britannique, le système est déficitaire. Pour financer le déficit on lève un nouvel impôt sur la production du lait : le RAB (Remboursement de l'Ardoise Bovine). Les vaches se mettent en grève. Il n'y a plus de lait. Les français sont dans la rue : "DU LAIT ON VEUT DU LAIT" La France construit un laitoduc sous la manche pour s'approvisionner auprès des Anglais. L'Europe déclare le lait anglais impropre à la consommation. Le laitoduc ne servira jamais. On lève un nouvel impôt pour l'entretien du laitoduc.

Trimis de: allexa pe 22 Oct 2003, 05:09 AM

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about| to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Trimis de: Rose pe 27 Oct 2003, 02:46 PM

Real stuff

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
==========
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about error, non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
==========
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
==========
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
==========
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
==========
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
==========
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
==========
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No ."
==========
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow, how can you see my screen from there?"
==========
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
==========
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
==========
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
==========
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
==========
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 6 Nov 2003, 02:32 PM

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the
dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come
on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up
and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know -- I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Trimis de: bdl pe 12 Nov 2003, 01:38 AM

Postat de dara


This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause.
" This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f****** stupid to own a computer!"


--------------------

You'll never see the stars if you are always looking down.

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 25 Nov 2003, 09:24 PM

Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2003 1:33 PM
Subject: patriotic duty

From: Atty General John Ashcroft
To: All good Americans

Patriotic duty

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, so this Saturday, at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON!

Trimis de: bdl pe 29 Nov 2003, 03:31 AM

Postat de yoyoman

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you'! ve delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Sper ca v-a placut!

Trimis de: bdl pe 29 Nov 2003, 03:33 AM

Postat de siaab
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously
in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck
swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you
have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can
be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage
in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering
the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and
ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love
than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for
quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in
five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence
of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the
third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my
children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone
thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo
handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not
looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost
immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't
last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms
with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but
to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the
ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple
before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?!
Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do
you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

Trimis de: EndLess_Point pe 1 Dec 2003, 03:22 AM

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Stretch Limo stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of
it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the
mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However,
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will give her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: " You'll fuck her again! "

Trimis de: E.B.E. pe 8 Dec 2003, 11:02 AM

Asta il pun in engleza nu pentru ca e cu copypaste de pe net, dar fiindca e singura limba in care are sens. Il scriu din memorie, asa ca imi cer scuze anticipat pentru eventualele inadvertente pe care le voi comite.

Somewhere in Ireland, a tourist enters an inn. Behind the bar, an old Irish-looking type, red beard et caetera. They start talking, and at one point the old man heavy-heartedly starts to tell his pains...
"You see this inn? Two-stories high, made out of the best wood available these parts, flowers at every window, a good roof, good cellar and all the stuff... Built it with me own two hands... Do they call me Peter-the-inn-builder? No...
"Go to the window, look outside. See that pier, stretching far out, into the sea? Built it with me own two hands... Carried every bloody rock on me own aching back... But do they call me Peter-the-pier-builder? No...
"See this bar? Black marble, shining, ten feet long by three feet wide... Brought the marble with me own little carriage, polished it with me own aching hands... Do they call me Peter-the-bar-maker? No...
"But ye fuck one goat...

Trimis de: Balauru pe 14 Dec 2003, 08:27 PM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may Pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and a huge frown
and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."

Trimis de: bdl pe 16 Dec 2003, 01:17 AM

Banc postat de TRESTY

Sa ma bag si eu in seama si la bancuri... probabil ca acesta ar fi trebuit pus la cele in engleza... dar mie mi se pare prea bun (unul din cele mai bune pe care le-am citit vreodata) cu atat mai mult cu cat se zvoneste ca ar fi o faza reala

Real Story: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM,
was running a competition to find contestants who could
come up with words that were not found in any English
Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence
that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to
Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two
standing out:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what is your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "We are just checking that (pause) and you are
correct, Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in
the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a
trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that
word in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced
that there is no place for that sort of language on a
family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the
following caller:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what is your word?"
Caller: "Smee...spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "We are checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Jeff. 'Smee' is certainly a word not found in the
English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip
for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that word
in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

Trimis de: Zed pe 16 Dec 2003, 01:37 PM

A letter from grandma

Dear kids,

I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour.

I haven't been feeling very good - the friend I shared a room with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows.

It's been six months since you've visited me last, I guess you're all pretty busy. It's OK, I've learned to use the internet to pass the time. And the computer in the recreation room has a pretty decent webcam. So you can remember what I look like, I have attached a recent picture of myself.

You all take care, and write to me soon.

With all of my heart,

Love, Grandma






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Grandma:

Trimis de: Balauru pe 17 Dec 2003, 08:42 PM

English Grammar ( do you understand?)

occdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 18 Dec 2003, 06:35 AM

Asta de lene nu-l traduc.

There's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You
might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM

NOW SCROLL DOWN...

























NOW SCROLL UP...


That's enough for the first day

Trimis de: Balauru pe 23 Dec 2003, 01:28 PM

DON'T FART IN BED

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she

rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 23 Dec 2003, 09:51 PM

I swear to God, this is my neighbor! It went on for months, every morning, and then all of a sudden it stopped!

Trimis de: Balauru pe 24 Dec 2003, 10:12 AM

Hey, le tragea el tare sau izolatia fonica lasa de dorit ???? )))

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 24 Dec 2003, 11:00 AM

Suntem atat de off-topic... dar nu pot sa nu lamuresc. E un vecin (nu stiu cine anume) dintr-o casa alaturata. Impartim o curte interioara de cativa metri - am 3 geamuri care dau in curtea interioara. Asa ca... ce izolatie?!

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 5 Jan 2004, 12:15 AM

The miracle of toilet paper


Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want
your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over
the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt;
didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 5 Jan 2004, 12:24 AM

Subject: International Health Study...

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

( On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

© The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking
English that kills you.

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 5 Jan 2004, 12:29 AM

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which is
the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of
the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less

letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible .
Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of
the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining

"ou" and After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil
be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech
oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Trimis de: AdriaN pe 5 Jan 2004, 03:18 PM

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were
sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play
Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the
perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang..... (scroll down)






























Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a happy New Year."

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 7 Jan 2004, 08:07 AM

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
note, "take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile
of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "take all you want, God is
watching the apples.

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 7 Jan 2004, 08:13 AM

PUNS INTENDED

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too long?
Polaroids

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

Trimis de: Ares pe 8 Jan 2004, 05:05 PM

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel great.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 9 Jan 2004, 02:51 AM

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot
on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had
something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian
Embassy in Washington. When one of these women
gets married, on her wedding night, the husband
scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in the
United States.

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 10 Jan 2004, 10:44 PM

Who's In Charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because
I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I
circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd
all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,
"because I process food, "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I
allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because
I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of thestory?
You don't have to be important to be in
charge...Just an asshole.

Trimis de: MikeEL pe 12 Jan 2004, 05:50 AM

- Marco, ieri sera ho visto tua moglie.. sembrava un cane da caccia...
- Perche?! Si aveva messo la peliccia ?
- No; aveva un ucello in bocca !!

Trimis de: AdriaN pe 16 Jan 2004, 10:02 AM

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.

He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug.
After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- Who's there?
- It's Paul
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Paul?
- Hashish from Morocco.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Mark
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Marc?
- Marijuana from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Matthew
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Matthew?
- Cocaine from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's John
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, John?
- Ecstasy from Montreal.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Luke
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Luke?
- Speed from Amsterdam.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Judas
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Judas?
- FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 19 Jan 2004, 07:49 PM

AdriaN veeeeeeeery funny!

Am si eu un haioasa rau

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student at St. Alphonsus Elementary School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary
Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little
later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came ! to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good", and Mary
Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!!"

Trimis de: MikeEL pe 20 Jan 2004, 04:42 AM

Un uomo si scontra con una donna nella hall di un hotel e nell'urto finisce col gomito nel suo seno. Entrambi sono molto imbarazzati. L'uomo cerca di scusarsi e dice: "Signora, se il vostro cuore è morbido come il vostro seno, spero mi perdonerete". Al che la signora risponde: "Signore, se il vostro uccello è duro quanto il vostro gomito, mi trovate nella camera 221".

bwhahahahaha

Trimis de: Mihai pe 20 Jan 2004, 03:39 PM

Banc trimis de MikeEL:

Trimis de: MikeEL pe 21 Jan 2004, 05:59 AM

Un tipo entra in una ferramenta tutto vestito per bene, pettinatissimo, scarpe lucidate e un mazzo di fiori in mano.
"Salve sono venuto per quell'annuncio..." fa al commesso ammiccando.
"Scusi quale annuncio?" il commesso perplesso.
"Ma si, su che ci siamo capiti, quell'annuncio...particolare...." ammiccando.
"Guardi che non ho capito.."
Il tipo compiaciuto tira fuori il giornale dalla tasca:
"questo annuncio! CHIAVI A PARTIRE DA 2 EURO!"


ps: sa-l traduc ??

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 23 Jan 2004, 07:53 AM

Cu dedicatie pentru Cain, de care mi-e tare dor.

HOMELESS
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner .

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything
I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the
homeless man

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man
looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex!

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 14 Feb 2004, 06:16 AM

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"

"You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The fucking funeral director," said his wife

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 14 Feb 2004, 06:27 AM

And this is for the guys

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,
shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic.

A little secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's
no special
holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life.
Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.; March 20th is now
officially
"Steak & Blowjob Day."

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created
so
your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the
holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin
pairing of
Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love
as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more
memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little
push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love
and peace to this crazy world.

Trimis de: Afrodita pe 14 Feb 2004, 09:51 AM

Primite in mail de la un amic:

1) 4 miracles of a woman:
getting wet without taking a shower
bleeding without getting hurt
giving milk without eating grass
and making boneless flesh hard.

(2) A man bumps into a woman and says "So sorry ma'am.
If your heart is as soft as your breasts, you will
forgive me " The lady replies: "If your dick is as
hard as your elbow, am in room 603"

(3) Q : How do the Talibans seduce their women?
A : First they attack their twin towers, then they
crash into their pentagon.

(4) Girls reaction to penis sizes:
# 9" - oh shit pain!
# 7" - oh yes, yum!
# 6" - oh perfect!
# 5" - mmm ok!
# 4" - push more
# 3" - is it in?
# 2" - idiot! Just use your tongue.

(5) Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra
sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

(6) During pregnancy:
The 1st three month s, do it the normal style.
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style. Sit
outside the hole and howl.

(7) Latest statistics on 'what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife.
HOW TRUE!!!

(8) What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a
nude woman?
"Fuck you and your law of gravity, I'm going UP."

(9) Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'
He said: "my wife makes me pay $ 100/- for every
Fuck!"
Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others $
250/-"

(1O) Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency. Angry maid
says, " at least I am better than you in bed."
Lady (amazed): ?Did boss tell you this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."

(11) What is the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
" After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

(12) A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is
300% impotent.
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the
100%, and now he
has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."

(13) Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after
milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours
& then you are left unfucked how would feel?

(14) Policeman arrested a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free
demo.

(15) A female reporter was interviewing a farmer
regarding mad cow disease.
Reporter: Sir, would you like to comment about the mad
cow disease?
Farmer: Lady, do you know that bulls and cows only
have sex once a year?
Reporter: Sir, I respect your comment but we are
talking about mad cows disease.
Farmer: Lady, and do you know that we squeeze cow's
breast six times a day.
Reporter: Sir, but what is it got to do with mad cows
disease.
Farmer: If your boyfriend squeeze your breast six
times a day, but only have SEX once in a year - WILL
YOU BE MAD?

Cateva sunt chiar haioase

Trimis de: axel pe 26 Feb 2004, 04:54 AM

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Trimis de: Afrodita pe 26 Feb 2004, 04:56 AM

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 26 Feb 2004, 10:06 AM

Asta e mai in gluma, mai in serios:

People over 35 should be dead.

Here's why ............

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based
paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround
sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet
chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to
learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them!
Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others
who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before lawyers
and government regulated our
lives, for our own good !!!!!


People under 30 are WIMPS

Trimis de: E.B.E. pe 26 Feb 2004, 12:52 PM

Well, NOT IN ROMANIA THEY AREN'T!!!

Trimis de: alien pe 1 Mar 2004, 03:31 PM

> > > > Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day
> and
> > > told
> > > > her husband that
> > > > the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.
>
> > > > Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make
> > love
> > > > with her. Of course he
> > > > agreed and they made passionate love.
> > > >
> > > > Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and
> > said,
> > > > "Honey, now I only
> > > > have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could
> make
> > > love
> > > > again?" Paul agrees
> > > > and again they make love.
> > > >
> > > > Later, Alma is getting into bed when she
> > realized
> > > > she now had only eight
> > > > hours of life left. She touched Paul's
> shoulder
> > > and
> > > > said, "Honey?
> > > > Please? Just one more time before I die." He
> > > agreed,
> > > > than afterward he
> > > > rolled over and fell asleep.
> > > >
> > > > Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her
> > > head,
> > > > and she tossed and,
> > > > turned until she was down to only four more
> > hours.
> > > > She tapped her
> > > > husband on the shoulder to wake him up.
> "Honey,
> > I
> > > > only have four hours
> > > > left! Could we...?"
> > > >
> > > > Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and
> > > said:
> > > > "Listen Alma, I
> > > > have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Trimis de: Ares pe 5 Mar 2004, 09:55 PM

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

Trimis de: Antont pe 16 Mar 2004, 07:06 PM

asta e mai lung, da' e fain(ma rog, pt motociclisti)

God was concerned.

Even immortals age, and Jesus, by the end of the twentieth century, was into his late teens. As an only child, with no mother figure to speak of, it was difficult. He'd spent the entire Industrial Revolution in his bedroom listening to awful music, and the cherubim and seraphim were complaining that it was destroying the whole Heavenly ambience. He'd even attempted to paint his bedroom black, but the Heavenly Light that suffused the place had soon bleached it a sort of fiftieth wash of cheap jeans look. That had caused a fair few ructions, as well. He didn't even want to go burying dinosaur fossils to confuse the fundamentalists anymore.

God sighed and returned to trying to get his Harley Davidson ™ to start. He didn't really like bikes, but at his age, it was either that or a fling with Aphrodite. St. Barnabus in PR said it would bring his image more up to date, more 'with-it'. The beard looked quite good, though. Perhaps, with Jesus now old enough to ride, he'd be interested in joining His Father on some rides? It would be something, at least...

God knocked on Jesus' door. 'Whaayawant?' came the grunted reply, the surliness only slightly broken by the voice warbling from E below C to G two octaves up in the space of those syllables. God sighed and opened the door, noting that Jesus quickly hid the picture of Mary Magdalene he had been examining closely under his pillow.

God sat on Jesus' bed, and the duvet creaked slightly. Jesus glowered at His Father, outraged by this intrusion.

"Now, Son, I know that it hasn't been easy for you lately, what with all those dingbats on Earth wearing those crucifixes and everything, but you really should get out more. Come out here, I have something I wish to show you."

With a grunt, Jesus followed his father out to the porch, and standing there was a brand spanking new Harley-Davidson ™ Ultra Wide Fat Boy Soft Electra Glide Sport ™, it's chrome reflecting the Light of Heaven in all directions.

Jesus grunted again, and spoke the longest sentence that God had heard him say since The Renaissance; "What a pile of shit. It's dull, it's such a cliche..." With that, he returned to His room.

God sighed and returned to coming up with new ways of annoying the humans.

Jesus, however, was thinking. The bike had given him an idea. With his own transport, he could get away from here for a while... maybe even that cute little angel over in the Lost Souls department would agree to come watch the Son et Lumiere with him... but he couldn't do something his father would agree with, though. The Old Man was so... so... so... here his train of thought was derailed by an epiphany.

Why not use Dad's own plan against him? Get a bike, but make it as far opposite as possible from Dad's Harley...

He began thinking. It would need to be uncomfortable, for a start. The kind of thing you could only ride if you were still young and supple, before lower-back problems and baldness set in. Instantly, a high, sculpted seat unit and fuel tank appeared, as well as swept-back, low handlebars and high, rear-set footpegs.

Now, it would need a tiny engine, designed to idle at speeds that a Harley would self-destruct at. A 125 cc engine appeared under the tank.

Now, the noise... it would need to set Satan's own teeth on edge. An expansion chamber snaked out and under the engine, and ended in a tiny carbon-fibre silencer.

Handling... well, it had to be absolutely perfect. Nothing else could possibly do to show up Dad's old bone-shaker. Instantly, a sculpted, asymmetrical swingarm appeared, gripping a wide, low-profile Dunlop. At the front, upside-down forks and another Dunlop. Connecting the two was an aluminium frame so beautiful that even Jesus' own breath was taken away.

The finishing touches now... a fairing, complete with huge air outlets and headlights that glowed with the Light of Heaven.

Jesus swung his leg over the Bike. He touched the starter button, and it rasped into life. He roared out of his room, a crash-helmet with dark visor on His head.

The Aprilia RS125R Extrema was born...

Trimis de: mutulica pe 16 Mar 2004, 11:30 PM

what dodi al fayed said arriving to the pearl gates?

I was suppose to f**k Di in that car, not to die in the f**king car

Trimis de: pufuletz pe 17 Mar 2004, 12:36 PM

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 20 Mar 2004, 09:46 AM

D-ne da sa nu vad TRi.. gluma asta...

A drunk staggers (merge clatininduse) into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three
times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side
either."

Trimis de: March pe 20 Mar 2004, 12:18 PM

Am sosit cam tarziu aici, asa ca scuze daca au mai fost postate :

***

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH :

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle . Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees,and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work,sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER :

Bob the idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines ( 1,3,5,..etc.) for my true assesment of him.

***

THE HAPPY COUPLE

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the creazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a... cucumber.
She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard ", she screamed at him , " how could you be lying to me all these years. You better explain yourself ! ' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly , " I'll explain the cucumber if you explain our three kids."

***

TWO OLD LADIES...

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over the cigarette, and continued smoking.
Her friend said : " What's that ? "
The first lady replied : " A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. "
" Where did you get it ?"
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the friend hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely ( she was , after all, over 80 years old !), but politely asked what brands she preferred.
She replied : " It doesn't matter as long as it fits the Camel. "
The pharmacist fainted.

***

Trimis de: March pe 30 Mar 2004, 04:40 PM

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Trimis de: Unu pe 30 Mar 2004, 05:26 PM

Cred că poate fi postat aici, pentru că nu există categoria de bancuri bilingve. Şi, atenţie! oricum nu e banc.

În urmă cu vre-o zece ani, la partida de dublu din cadrul unui meci de Cupa Davis desfăşurat la Bucureşti, unul dintre protagonişti primeşte o minge taman în locul cel mai dureros, drept pentru care respectivul ia o poziţie caracteristică suferinţei îndurate, şi o grimasă însoţită de strigătul de rigoare.
In tribună se iscă oarece rumoare. Arbitrul avertizează: "Quiet, please!". Cum era de aşteptat, rumoarea se transformă într-un râs general, iar acelaşi arbitru continuă apoteotic: "New balls, please!"

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 1 Apr 2004, 05:54 AM

+++++ French upgrade terror alert +++++

In light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaboration."

Trimis de: dromihetes pe 2 Apr 2004, 01:26 AM

Dear Carol,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to
make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling
back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's
cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I
don't care about looking bad anymore.

I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe
it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what
my heart says: "There's no one like you, Carol." I look for you in the
eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that
just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body
mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you
see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she
have a better heart than my moderately attractive Carol? I doubt it. And
I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it
hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do
you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you! Jesus, Carol,
I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of
you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I
didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster
in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does
when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on
your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we
straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but
it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Carol ever
put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Carol, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all
I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And
that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into
the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I
pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the
bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting
inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Carol. In your heart you must know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances
away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love,

Don.

Trimis de: MOONWHISPER pe 2 Apr 2004, 09:47 AM

N-am avut timp sa ma uit peste toate, asa ca daca exista bancul, ma scuzati...

Imagine a toilet...two army dudes....one is a marine, the other navy....
After they do what they came to do, the marine wants to leave. The navy soldier sais:
- In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss!
The marine turns and sais:
- In the marines, they teach us NOT TO PISS ON OUR HANDS!

Trimis de: March pe 6 Apr 2004, 07:56 PM

Cohones de Toro...

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Trimis de: March pe 6 Apr 2004, 08:05 PM

I can tell how a man makes love...

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 11 Apr 2004, 04:49 AM

Creation of a women (Guys you're going to love this one )

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. That was made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.

Trimis de: March pe 17 Apr 2004, 07:30 PM

For macho men


Quiz: Are You a Real Man?


1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a- Lovemaking
b- Screwing
c- The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a- Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b- Your blood-test results
c- Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a- Your partner climaxes first
b-You both climax simultaneously
c- You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a- Healthy, creative love-play
b- Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c- Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a- The best part of the experience
b- The second best part of the experience
c- $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a- No concern of yours
b-Not a problem - she can join your gym
c- A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a- A myth
b-An oxymoron
c- A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a- Appetiser is to entree
b- Priming is to painting
c- A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a- "I hope we can still be friends."
b-"I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c - "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a- Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b- Is uptight and a waste of time
c- Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

Trimis de: cypress pe 21 Apr 2004, 06:47 PM

BUMPER STICKERS

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves!
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
It works better if you plug it in.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.

Trimis de: skysurfer pe 22 Apr 2004, 07:59 AM

Nu stiu daca a mai fost pe aici bancul asta dar e cel mai tare in engleza.

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they
all decided that they needed more information.
So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each
drug. After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- Who's there?
- It's Paul
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Paul?
- Hashish from Morocco.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Mark
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Marc?
- Marijuana from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Matthew
-Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Matthew?
- Cocaine from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's John
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, John?
- Ecstasy from Montreal.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Luke
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Luke?
- Speed from Amsterdam.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Judas
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Judas?
- FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!

Trimis de: secunda pe 24 Apr 2004, 08:16 PM

An elephant asks a camel :

- "Why are your breasts on your back ?"
- " Well " says the camel , " I think it is a strange question from somebody who's dick is in his face"

Trimis de: dead-cat pe 24 Apr 2004, 10:32 PM

Internal Memo (company name undisclosed)

Around 10:00 AM this morning, someone lit up a joint on the third floor, north side, strongly suggesting that it was someone from, say, the creative department.

Why is this a problem?

Well, for one, we had two clients and an important new business prospect in the building (something for which a number of people had worked well into the night). All the visitors were of an age that suggested they would easily identify marijuana, if encountered.

In short, this could have resulted in some serious financial setbacks, threatening people's jobs and well-being.

Beyond that, however, I am concerned for the person or people who feel it necessary to light up at such an hour. This is not good for you -- in either a personal
or a professional sense.

Please note that we emphatically pay you for what you do STRAIGHT here -- no matter what you may deliriously believe. We expect you to act accordingly, keep up your end of the deal, and will ask you to leave if you don't.

It's that simple.
The price of freedom, lack of censorship, and a championing of strange behavior is little bit of fucking judgment.
Please pay that price for me. For us all. Thank you.

Trimis de: dead-cat pe 24 Apr 2004, 10:35 PM

A lecturer on the paranormal was addressing a class of university students. He began, "Today I'm going to discuss so-called ghosts. Before I begin, may I ask how many of you believe ghosts are real?"

About 100 hands went up.

"That's about typical," said the lecturer. "Now, how many of you believe you have seen ghosts?"

Several dozen hands went up.

"Again, that's about typical," said the lecturer. "How many of you have talked to ghosts?"

About 5 hands went up.

"Very good," said the lecturer, "about what I expected. Finally, some people claim ghosts come to them in their sleep and have sex with them. How many of you think you've had sex with ghosts?"

Only one hand went up.

"Hmm," said the lecturer, "would you please come up to the front of the room, so we can discuss this in front of the whole class?"

The young redneck went to the front of the room.

"This is amazing," said the lecturer. "You're the first person I ever met who would admit that he thinks he's had sex with ghosts. Would you tell us the details of how it happened?"

"Ghosts?" said the young man, "I thought you said goats!"

Trimis de: March pe 1 May 2004, 06:50 PM

A very old man married a very young girl. Asked why he risked such disparity in ages, the octogenarian replied, " I'd rather spend the rest of my days smelling perfume than liniment."

***

A professor lecturing in Paris said, " There's very little difference between men and women."
"Vive la difference", shouted a Frenchman in the rear of the hall.

***

Credited to George Bernard Show : Fish and relatives begin to smell after three days.

***

A fellow said, " My boy won the prize in school today. The teacher asked how many legs a dog has. My boy said 'three' and won "
"He said three legs and he won ?"
"Yes. He was the closest to it."

***

One canibal, inviting another : " Why don't you come to my house tonight ? I'm having my mother-in -law for dinner."
"I don't like your mother-in-law."
" All right, then only eat the vegetables."

***

Thers is a tombstone with this epitaph on it :

Here lies the body of Dugan.
A bullet turned him to clay.
He lived the life of Riley
While Riley was away.

Trimis de: March pe 3 May 2004, 08:33 PM

Sex test for a Redneck.

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False

Trimis de: March pe 16 May 2004, 06:35 PM

A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on
your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject. The next day the boy
went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he
replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will
float to heaven. A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son
runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father ask "what are you
talking about?" "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling
'Oh God I'm coming'"
***

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a
plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between
her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what
he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!
What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to
drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking
for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Trimis de: March pe 19 May 2004, 06:52 PM

Attention macho-men, beware of beer !

Female Hormones in Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Trimis de: dead-cat pe 19 May 2004, 07:47 PM

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a
young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love
...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and
continued to watch remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman -
she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town
to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
"Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer
Gaston's field making love".

The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old
remember ze young love, ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour!
Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!"

Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the
station. Since his police car was being serviced, he ran down to the
field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to
call the doctor:

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field and zere
is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is very
natural"

Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not
understand ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine
bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and
jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove
back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen
and said, "Ah, my friends, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead.
She is English."

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 21 May 2004, 07:22 PM

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself,
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must
be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said:
- "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself,
"Well she doesn't work for Delta."
A few seconds later another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again:
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally
kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried:
"I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him:
- "Man, what the f*** do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair:
"Ahhh... TAROM !"

Trimis de: zmeul pe 23 May 2004, 03:11 PM

(Think about pronunciation)

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea!

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea!

Q: How do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing a razorblade?
A: Still bloody no idea!

Trimis de: March pe 25 May 2004, 02:32 PM

Yo Mama So Fat



Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Trimis de: March pe 25 May 2004, 02:40 PM

Yo Mama So Fat (II)


Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Trimis de: March pe 25 May 2004, 08:06 PM

International Sex Talk

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Trimis de: rady pe 26 May 2004, 12:24 PM

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”



What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.


Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)

Trimis de: rady pe 26 May 2004, 12:26 PM

RELIGION VIEWS OF LIFE
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says, shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Atheism: I don't belive this shit.
Agnosticism: What is this shit?

Trimis de: LigiaB pe 28 May 2004, 10:05 PM

Rady...wow ce-am ris!

I got a good joke too...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

Trimis de: March pe 29 May 2004, 08:04 PM

A very old man married a very young girl. Asked why he risked such disparity in ages, the octogenarian replied, " I'd rather spend the rest of my days smelling perfume than liniment."
***

A professor lecturing in Paris said, " There's very little difference between men and women."
"Vive la difference", shouted a Frenchman in the rear of the hall.

***

Credited to George Bernard Show : Fish and relatives begin to smell after three days.

***

A fellow said, " My boy won the prize in school today. The teacher asked how many legs a dog has. My boy said 'three' and won "
"He said three legs and he won ?"
"Yes. He was the closest to it."

***

One canibal, inviting another : " Why don't you come to my house tonight ? I'm having my mother-in -law for dinner."
"I don't like your mother-in-law."
" All right, then only eat the vegetables."

***

Thers is a tombstone with this epitaph on it :

Here lies the body of Dugan.
A bullet turned him to clay.
He lived the life of Riley
While Riley was away

Trimis de: Zed pe 8 Jul 2004, 02:26 PM

Usual working day:




Wake up,
Nokia, Marlboro, Nescafe, Hochland, Colgate, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Minolta, Nokia, Marlboro, Nokia,
Nokia.
McDonalds, Marlboro, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Minolta, Nokia, Marlboro, Nokia, Nokia.
Renault.
Tuborg.
Tuborg.
Marlboro.
Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Marlboro.
Colgate.

Day is over.

Trimis de: Zed pe 24 Jul 2004, 01:15 PM

Mental Hospital Hotline Answering Machine Message

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You will not be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons; you will just mess it up .

Trimis de: E.B.E. pe 24 Jul 2004, 01:55 PM

If you are a computer geek, press in rapid sequence *#428827429912# and the phone's uplink with the mainframe will be unlocked, allowing you to hack into our system.

If you are intoxicated, press 99999999999999999999999999999 and for God's sake! Don't drool on the keyboard!

Trimis de: Zed pe 28 Jul 2004, 10:29 PM

A young man tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies "I don't like her."

Trimis de: March pe 29 Jul 2004, 05:37 PM

What is the difference between girls aged : 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

***

A man went to the doctors and said, "Doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get a hard-on."
The doctor said, "I'm not surprised, your face looks like a cunt."

***
On the honeymoon, Harriet says to her new husband, "Eddie, how many Women have you slept with?"
He says, "If I tell you, you'll freak out."
She says, "No, I won't."
He says, "Okay. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...you...nine, ten, eleven, twelve, Thirteen...."

Trimis de: March pe 30 Jul 2004, 04:11 PM

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

***
A guy says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine.
She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

Trimis de: Nico pe 2 Aug 2004, 12:19 PM

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the
road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.

Trimis de: motanel pe 7 Aug 2004, 10:15 AM

Yo mama so fat ... she uses your daddy as a dildo.


Yo mama so stupid ... when I told her I needed help with my employment she gave me a blow job.

Trimis de: Diana-Maria pe 10 Aug 2004, 08:49 PM

Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the sh ! t out of you.

Men are like... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like... Blenders. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like... Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like...Department Stores.Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like...Government Bonds.They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Trimis de: Pongo pe 12 Aug 2004, 07:27 AM

Asta e interesant...cam sec da-i cu pileala:

Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other
and says, "Oy, where are you from?" The second man answers,
"I'm from Liverpool." The first man, surprised, replies, "No way! I'm from
Liverpool, too!
What high school did you go to?" The second man answers,
"St. Mary's." "Wow!" yells the first man. "ME, TOO!" "No way," says the second man.
"What year did you graduate in?" "Seventy-nine," says the first man.
"Oh, my LORD!" screams the second man, "I graduated in '79,too!"
"Oh, boy, it's gonna be a long night," sighs the bartender, turning to one of his
other customers.
"The Johnson twins are drunk again."


PS-Pt. BALAURU: se pace ca avem acelasi avatar; si tu esti mai vechi in forum; e simpatic, da`poti vorbi cu cineva sa-l schimbe pe al meu cu unul la fel de haios ? Sau poti sa-mi gasesti tu unul ? Multam

Trimis de: Pongo pe 12 Aug 2004, 08:34 AM

Trimis de: skysurfer pe 12 Aug 2004, 11:52 AM

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him: "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets"
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds
and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy, what is "a couple"?
And he carries on a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina...,and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and
rape, paedophilia, gerontophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "sex"?
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A woman decided to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
The next morning, she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess you're 29?"
Nope,"she says, "I am actually 47." And now, she's really feeling good about herself.
While standing at the bus stop, she asks an old man the same question, but he replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As no one else was around, the woman agreed and let the old man slip his hand down her pants.
Two minutes later the woman says, "OK, that's enough. How old am I?"
"You're 47", said the old man. Stunned the woman says,
"Incredible! How did you do that?" To which the old man replied,
"I was behind you at McDonald's."

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his
wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of
some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to
discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night,
amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100? For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and
sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for
that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth
it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves
with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This
hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable
life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500."
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out
front and sees a 12-story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs.Trust
me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for
it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints
twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some
pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her
with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle
of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward,
"No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near
Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed,
"No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena
vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and
said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my
glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at
the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and
spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I
was born."




A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said:
"I've lost my wife here, in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, puzzled,
looked at him and replied:
"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!..."

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that......
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that......
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that.....
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ........
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!”

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.
He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.
So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back and forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.
Finally, the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean.
The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble-up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away.
So, the male whale swims over to her, and asks her, "What's wrong."
She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen."


We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this is what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did, we rolled together in the now damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, "Beheheeee", then re-joined the flock."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Trimis de: Eclectic pe 13 Aug 2004, 06:31 AM

What do you get if you cross a bulldog with a blonde ?
Your last blowjob.

Trimis de: cactus pe 16 Aug 2004, 07:27 AM

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."

Trimis de: March pe 16 Aug 2004, 09:34 PM

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colours - green, red,orange blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said to him, " What's the matter, old timer ? Never done anything wild in your life ?"
The old man replied, " Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Trimis de: janine pe 8 Sep 2004, 03:44 AM

What pissed me off?

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Trimis de: cactus pe 9 Sep 2004, 07:28 AM

For PC - freaks

Out of Office - Message

1. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

4. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am
out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at all.

5. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my
brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged
$5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection
and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

8. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. I've run away to join a different circus.

Trimis de: cactus pe 16 Sep 2004, 07:24 PM

Mortal talks with God

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second...

Trimis de: Roza pe 20 Sep 2004, 11:24 AM

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,

"The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. (Named Chico!)

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......(in that Mexican accent...)
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Trimis de: cactus pe 21 Sep 2004, 06:33 AM

An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with
> a Russian about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
>
> American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
> get to work?"
> Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
> transportation everywhere."
> A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
> R: "We take the train."
> A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
> R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
> A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
> R: "We take tanks."

Cool ma,

Trimis de: Roza pe 22 Sep 2004, 10:11 AM

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool. They were
enjoying the sun. Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:
Dude, How come people consider me a noisance, and you a pet?
How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me?
How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am considered
creepy and disgusting?
How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?

So the hamster answered: "It's branding, dude."

Trimis de: mutulica pe 30 Sep 2004, 09:18 PM

Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the
very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over
night.
So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm
that.

Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very
next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.So the
wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at
their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still
with
them.

Trimis de: cactus pe 8 Oct 2004, 07:55 AM

NEW DICTIONARY


ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation

GOSSIP :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.

INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Trimis de: cactus pe 11 Oct 2004, 12:45 PM

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked:
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded:
"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a
young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again
replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence
attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Trimis de: Roza pe 15 Oct 2004, 08:48 AM

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house. He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You FUCK her again!!!"

Trimis de: doice pe 19 Oct 2004, 10:20 AM

The IRS Visit
Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.

"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."

Trimis de: abis pe 20 Oct 2004, 07:54 AM

THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN TODAY:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter in! itiative s they have
the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trimis de: carpatic pe 22 Oct 2004, 02:02 PM

What is Effective Communication ????

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack
wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while
praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I
smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's
utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the
good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong
question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,
may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my
son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you
ask.
For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on
vacation..........?

Trimis de: abis pe 27 Oct 2004, 04:27 PM

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say "My God...."

Trimis de: cactus pe 28 Oct 2004, 01:21 PM

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN!


BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.


MENICILLIN: Potent ! anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..... Can we get naked now?"


PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single intelligent women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.


DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.


ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours

Trimis de: mutulica pe 2 Nov 2004, 09:39 AM

When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I'm unable to remember, what I chose.

My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" .

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

Panties not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under...

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Q: Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
A: Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard
disk.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!.

Trimis de: doice pe 8 Nov 2004, 10:36 AM

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Trimis de: doice pe 9 Nov 2004, 10:52 AM

Men are like ......Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ..... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ..... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ......Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ..... Blenders ..You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ......Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ......Department Stores ....Their clothes are always ½ off.

Men are like .....Government Bonds ....They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like .... Mascara ..They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ....Popcorn ...They satisfy you , but only for a little while.

Men are like ....Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like .....Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like .....Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Trimis de: rebel pe 21 Nov 2004, 08:43 AM

Trimis de: rebel pe 12 Dec 2004, 11:11 AM

- What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
• They both go down in the name of the president.

Trimis de: Dani pe 16 Dec 2004, 07:05 AM

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

Trimis de: rebel pe 29 Dec 2004, 08:56 AM

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"[i] Without hesitating, Joe said, [i]"Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."[i] Joe was incredulous, [i]"That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, [i]"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Dec 2004, 06:05 AM

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Dec 2004, 06:07 AM

Little Jamie was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the little boy was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jamie?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jamie tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Jamie patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!"

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Dec 2004, 06:11 AM

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house.

He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."

"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You FUCK her again!!!"

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Dec 2004, 06:14 AM

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 under one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Dec 2004, 06:16 AM

Four chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emigrate to the US. In order to
get a visa, they had to adapt their names to american standards:
Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Dec 2004, 06:18 AM

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug.

After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- "Who's there?"
- "It's Paul."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Paul?"
- "Haschich from Morrocco."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Marc."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Marc?"
- "Marijuana from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Matthew?"
- "Cocaine from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, John?"
- "Ecstasy from Montreal."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Luke."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Luke?"
- "Speed from Amsterdam."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Judas?"
- "FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!"

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Dec 2004, 06:19 AM

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 03:57 AM

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 04:08 AM

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir."

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I’ll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on Earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding as well!"

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 04:45 AM

<mage> What should I give my sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 04:47 AM

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 05:03 AM

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 05:05 AM

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 05:09 AM

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 05:12 AM

We would like to inform you that, due to the introduction of the EURO from January 2nd 2002 the Kamasutra position usually known as 69 will now be known as 35.28.

Best Regards,
The Euro Changeover Board.

Trimis de: rebel pe 3 Jan 2005, 07:24 AM

A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:


DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

Trimis de: bogho pe 14 Jan 2005, 03:37 PM

English Girl

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!" The woman kept quiet
and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So,
honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Trimis de: rebel pe 14 Jan 2005, 04:41 PM

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Trimis de: rebel pe 14 Jan 2005, 05:00 PM

Test Yourself : Are you a Neanderthal?

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? [+5]

2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? [-5]

3. Got a chin? [if not, +3]

4. How about a forehead? [if not, +3]

5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? [+5]

6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? [+10]

7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? [+5]

8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? [if not, +1 for every five degrees of slope]

9. Less than five feet tall? [+1 for every inch under]

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm? [+1 for every inch of difference]

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs. [+1 for every inch of difference]

12. Pigeon-toed? [+5]

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? [You're normal--no points.]

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? [+5]

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? [+15]

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? [+10]

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? [+5]

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? [+3]


Scoring

0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.

Trimis de: cactus pe 21 Jan 2005, 07:14 AM

Two italians at a bus stop, talking... The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention becomes focused when she hears one of them sayin':
"Emma come first.Den I come.Den two asses come together.I come
once more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee
twice then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed pig!!" hurls the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Trimis de: Mickydutza pe 28 Jan 2005, 05:21 PM

This is a telephone conversation between a child and the Boss of
one of the parents...

An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for
work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

The small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the
child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked
the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle: "Me."

Trimis de: rebel pe 31 Jan 2005, 08:17 PM

Glossary of PC Messages:

• It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

• It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

• It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

• It says: "Installing program to C:<Directory>...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."

• It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

• It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

• It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely."

• It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

• It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Trimis de: cactus pe 2 Feb 2005, 06:44 AM

CHINESE PROVERBS


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going toBangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth

Trimis de: Cla pe 2 Feb 2005, 07:13 AM

"Herr Doktor, ich krieg' meine Vorhaut nimmer zurück"
"Na, also sowas leiht man auch nicht her..."

Trimis de: Cla pe 3 Feb 2005, 04:24 AM

Kommt einer an die Himmelspforte: "Hör' mal Petrus, wie schaut's aus, möchte eine Superwolke"
"Gleich, mach'mer doch glatt"
"Na also, geht doch..."
Kriegt der Kerl seine eigene Wolke, guckt 'nüber, sieht seinen ärgsten Feind mit einer Superblondine auf dem Arm und einer Flasche Cognac...
"Sag' mal Petrus, Du hast mich beschissen."
"Wieso??"
"Der Blödmann hat ein Superweib auf dem Arm, ich weiß doch daß er sein ganzes Leben ein einziges Arschloch gewesen ist, und noch dazu eine Flasche Cognac."
"Super-Himmel bei euch, muß ich aber schon sagen, Schnauze voll."
"Du siehst das vielleicht nicht richtig, die Flasche hat ein Loch und die Blondine keins..."

Trimis de: Serenity pe 3 Feb 2005, 07:49 AM

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Trimis de: Cla pe 3 Feb 2005, 03:26 PM

Es erscheint einem eine gute Fee, sagt sie: "Du bist ein lieber Mensch, ich will Dir eine Freude machen, hast einen Wunsch frei"
"Oh cool... ich möchte die Zeitung vom nächsten Montag, wg. der Lottozahlen"
Zack!, hält er sie schon in der Hand, schaut drauf...
"Scheiße, schon wieder bloß 3 Richtige"...

.............

Ein Mann kommt in die Bank und geht an einen freien Schalter.
Eine durchgestylte, arrogant blickende Bankangestellte bedient ihn:

Sie: "Guten Tag, was kann ich für Sie tun?"
Er: "Ich will ein scheiss Konto eröffnen."
Sie: "Wie bitte?!??" Ich glaube, ich habe Sie nicht richtig verstanden!"
Er: "Was gibt's da zu verstehen, ich will in dieser Drecksbank einfach nur ein abgefuckt beschissenes Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Entschuldigen Sie, aber Sie sollten wirklich nicht in diesem Ton mit mir reden!"
Er: "Hör zu Puppe, ich will nicht mit Dir reden, ich will nur ein stinkendes scheiss Konto eröffnen!"
Sie: "Ich werde jetzt den Manager holen..." und rennt weg.

Weiter hinten sieht man sie dann aufgeregt mit einem gelackten Schlipsträger tuscheln, der daraufhin seine Brust schwellt und erhobenen Hauptes mit der Schalterangestellten im Schlepptau auf den Mann zugeht.

Manager: "Guten Tag der Herr, was für ein Problem gibt es?"
Er: "Es gibt kein verdammtes Problem, ich hab '20 Millionen im Lotto gewonnen und will dafür hier nur ein beschissenes blödes Konto eröffnen!"
Manager: "Aha, und diese Schlampe hier macht Ihnen Schwierigkeiten...??

Trimis de: Olaf pe 8 Feb 2005, 05:07 PM

A preacher was walking in the central market of his home town, when he heard a boy shouting:
"Dam fish, get your dam fish, get it while it's fresh!"
He walked to the boy an asked him: "Aren't you ashamed to shout such things? Don't you know it's not nice to swear? Especially in public!"
"Sir, it's nothing like that! I just caught this fish at the dam, so it's dam fish!"
"Oh, OK, then i'd like to buy some of your dam fish"
The preacher then went home and said to his wife:
"I bought some dam fish today, so maybe tou could cook it for lunch."
His wife was apalled and told him there was no way a preacher could speak like that, but the preacher told her about the boy fishing at the dam...

Finally, at lunch, the preacher with his wife and 15 year old son were sitting at the table and, after the prayer, the preacher said: "Now, let's eat the dam fish!" and his son replied: "That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

Trimis de: Olaf pe 8 Feb 2005, 05:21 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a (root) beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothin' wrong, you just left your injun running".

Trimis de: Olaf pe 9 Feb 2005, 09:12 PM

A Chinese couple got married.
When a baby girl was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, the father named the baby SUM TING RONG.

Trimis de: Onix pe 10 Feb 2005, 05:18 PM

Asta am gasit in casuta de pe yahoo. Imi aminteste de gluma cu "Sunt un virus din X, dar, din cauza saraciei, tehnologia este foarte inapoiata in tara mea si nu sunt in stare sa fac nimic computer-ului dvs. Va rog frumos, daca sunteti bun(a), sa stergeti un fisier si sa pretindeti ca v-ati speriat , apoi trimiteti-ma la ceilalti utilizatori : multumesc"

"D‮ae‬r Yahoo! M‮rebme‬,

T‮ih‬s ema‮li‬ was s‮ne‬t by the Y‮!ooha‬ se‮revr‬ to veri‮yf‬ y‮ruo‬ b‮kna‬ c‮dra‬ information. Y‮ruo‬ ba‮kn‬ ask Yah‮!oo‬ t‮ od o‬so
b‮uace‬se s‮emo‬ of th‮ie‬r m‮me‬bers no l‮regno‬ h‮va‬e acc‮se‬s to e‮liam‬ ad‮sserd‬es on Ya‮!ooh‬ and th‮ye‬ ne‮de‬ to v‮yfire‬ you.
You m‮tsu‬ compl‮ete‬ t‮sih‬ pr‮seco‬s by click‮ni‬g on the l‮ni‬k bel‮wo‬:

and ent‮re‬ing yo‮ru‬ b‮na‬k ATM-D‮be‬it Ca‮dr‬ numb‮re‬ and P‮NI‬ t‮tah‬ you use on AMT."

Doar copy si paste

Trimis de: March pe 16 Feb 2005, 09:29 PM

"The Most Functional Word "


Well it's Shit ........ That's right, Shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider this :

You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck,
Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
Buy shit, sell shit,
Lose shit, find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit,
while others can't tell the difference between shit and shine.

There are lucky shits
Dumb shits,
Crazy shits,
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
Horse shit,
and chicken shit

you can throw shit,
Sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit,
or serve shit,

You can be happier than a pig in shit,
or You can find yourself in deep shit.

Some days are cold as shit,
some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plan shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit,

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit's creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes every thing you touch
turns to shit.
And others times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!

Trimis de: abis pe 22 Feb 2005, 03:09 PM

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

Trimis de: Mistinguett pe 24 Feb 2005, 11:00 PM

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day
debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

....and so on and so on .

until finally the Greek says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"

Trimis de: dead-cat pe 25 Feb 2005, 02:04 PM

FW: De la Ambasada Canadei în România

To: All Romanian Speaking Staff

Subject: Improper Language Usage

It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our office in Romania that offensive language is commonly used by our Romanian speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:


1. Words like ..tui, în ...a mea, ...a and other such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.
2. You will not say si-a bãgat ...a when someone makes a mistake, or s-a cãcat pe el if you see someone being reprehended, or bãga-mi-as, when a
major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb a se cãca and a se ...e are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable in our
3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred to as ...ã de om, cãcãnaru' or boul.
4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as ..lãlãu nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as muiangiu.
5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be referred to as porcãrii.
6. Do not say ..tu-ti pe mãta if somebody is persistent; do not add ...a mea if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you
must not say am pus-o (refer to item 2) nor o sã ne-o tragã when a matter becomes excessively complicated.
7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say du-te-n ...a mea nor should you ever substitute "May I help you?" with, ce
...a mea vrei?.
8. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners bosorogi împutiti.
9. Do not say ia mai mereti-n ...ã cu cãcatu' ãsta when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer ...u-te-n c*r when your assistance is required.
10. You should never call partner representatives as boul dracului or tîmpitu' ãla.
11. The sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms such as .... bunã, or homãlãu' lu' peste.
12. Last but not least, after reading this note, please do not say mã sterg la c*r cu textul ãsta. Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.

Thank you.

Trimis de: March pe 4 Mar 2005, 12:39 PM

SIZE MATTERS

A MAN walked into the ladies department of a major department store and shyly said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

"What type of bra?" asked the woman.

“Type?" asked the man. "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the woman, indicating a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, though, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bra to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the four types. The woman replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now thoroughly confused, the man asked about the differences between the four types. The woman responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills."

Trimis de: 4u2 pe 7 Mar 2005, 11:46 AM

In a Soviet museum, a guide explains, "Here is the skeleton of the great
hero of the civil war, Vassily Ivanovich Chapaev. This is the skeleton
of Chapaev when he was five years old. And this one when he was twenty
years old. And this one is Chapaev's post-mortem skeleton."

Trimis de: 4u2 pe 8 Mar 2005, 01:46 PM

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on
me from the beginning, and denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating. Since losing his job four years ago he
hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy
cigars and drink with his pals, while I have to work
to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to
college, he doesn't pretend to like me and hints that
I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need
him anymore - you're a United States Senator from
New York now.

Trimis de: ausländer pe 8 Mar 2005, 10:44 PM

"Where did you receive your training?"
"Yale."
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Yim Yohnson."

Trimis de: Mickydutza pe 9 Mar 2005, 12:30 AM

Trimis de: 4u2 pe 14 Mar 2005, 01:09 PM

Moses

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai. He calls out to the assembled
Children of Israel:
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've got
the number down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still on the list."

Trimis de: 4u2 pe 19 Mar 2005, 05:46 PM

guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that the decide to go to the girl's place A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing

Trimis de: 4u2 pe 19 Mar 2005, 05:50 PM

man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As th couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked th husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was goin through your mind?

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Trimis de: 4u2 pe 20 Mar 2005, 07:45 AM

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would
like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law."

Trimis de: matz pe 25 Mar 2005, 10:28 PM

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what's wrong.

"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.

"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."

So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.

"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.

So the trucker says,

"I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off.

A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps,

"Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?"

The little man answers, "Your driver's license, please ....."

Trimis de: March pe 7 Apr 2005, 10:19 AM

Unul bun despre un Director Resurse Umane ajuns in ceruri :

HEAVENLY HUMAN RIGHTS

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St Peter welcomed her: "Before you get settled in," he said, "we have a little problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "but I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward-bound elevator.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club to enjoy a superb steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven, where St Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell." Accordingly, St Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.

The Devil approached and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful, happy time. Now there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

Trimis de: cactus pe 7 Apr 2005, 11:24 AM

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.


The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1 - life sucks
2 - job sucks
3 - wife does NOT!

Trimis de: cactus pe 8 Apr 2005, 01:16 PM

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it.
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)

Trimis de: ausländer pe 25 Apr 2005, 05:32 PM

The Original Version:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

The Pessimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

The Optimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

The Playful Version
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
Set her free again, repeat *

The Lawyer's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

The Bill Gates Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

The Possessive Version:
If you love somebody,
Don't ever set her free.

The Psychologist's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant,
If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme,
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

The Marketing Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Trimis de: Eclectic pe 18 May 2005, 04:09 PM

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?
Let's use mathematics and logic to figure it out!

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then, H A R D W O R K (8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11) = 98%
K N O W L E D G E (11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5) = 96%
But, A T T I T U D E (1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5) = 100%
And, B U L L S H I T (2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20) = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

Trimis de: matz pe 8 Jun 2005, 10:10 PM

I:Ce i-a zis Dodi soferului?
R:"Drive me and Di"!

Trimis de: MikeEL pe 11 Jun 2005, 10:55 AM

Roma antica. Un gladiatore scommette che riesce a scoparsi 100 donne una
dietro l'altra. Grande pubblicita' dell'impresa, organizzazione nel
Colosseo, bandi da tutti le parti, e infine arriva il gran giorno.
Colosseo strapieno, arriva il gladiatore in gran forma, sponsor alle
spalle, arbitro, allenatore. E via: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 10... pausa,
asciugamano, coca-cola... 11, 12, 15... 20... pausa, coca-cola... 21, 22,
25... 30... pausa, massaggio... 31, 33, 34, 35... 40, pausa... 50... 60...
70... 80... 85, pausa, strizzamento di asciugamani, ricomincia 90...
pausa, coca-cola... 91, 92... pausa... 93, 94... pausa... 95... 96...
97... pausa, incoraggiamenti... 98... 99... il gladiatore crolla svenuto.
Colosseo in silenzio di tomba, si alza un vecchietto dai gradini piu'
alti e grida: "Ah frocioooooo !!!".

Trimis de: Cla pe 11 Jun 2005, 02:07 PM

Nu prea stiu italiana, dar pe asta am inteles-o

Geht eine Frau zum Frauenarzt:
"Herr Doktor, ich hab einen Knoten in der Brust"
"Um Gottes Willen, wer macht denn sowas??"

Nächsten Tag, ein Mann beim Urologen:

"Herr Doktor, ich kriege meine Vorhaut nicht mehr zurück."
"Na also sowas leiht man auch nicht her"

Trimis de: Eclectic pe 12 Jun 2005, 11:09 PM

Cla, titlul threadului e:

Trimis de: Cla pe 13 Jun 2005, 12:23 AM

Credeam ca daca merge italiana, atunci si germana. Dar nu-i bai, eu n-am o problema cu asta.
Sa fie atunci engleza, so what.

Trimis de: cutedaisy pe 28 Jun 2005, 04:46 AM

Excelente bancuri ! Va trimit si eu cateva funny, din Reader's Digest magazine. Have fun !!
Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle : "We Always Go the Extra Mile". In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled : "That's Because We Missed the last Exit".
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. to enforce this rule, the management posted this notice : "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added : "Socks can eat wherever they want."
According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75% of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random of 1,056 adults who were called in the middle of the night.
Q : What did the pork chop say to the steak ?
A : Nice to meat you.
Heard aboard a crosstown bus : "When you exit, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you. "

Trimis de: Olaf pe 26 Aug 2005, 02:53 PM

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and ervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it .Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Trimis de: simonsays pe 22 Sep 2005, 02:25 PM

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUC.KING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU.CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"


...and they lived happily ever after.