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Balauru
mesaj 14 Jul 2003, 06:15 PM
Mesaj #36


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What Men Really Mean

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and
the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I
am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at
me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."


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Balauru
mesaj 15 Jul 2003, 12:02 PM
Mesaj #37


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Genre: Bathroom Graffiti

Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way

************

Genre: Elderly Jokes

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”

*************

Genre: Entertainment Jokes

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”
The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”


*************


Genre: Redneck Jokes

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

*************

Genre: Sex Jokes

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

*************

Genre: Miscellaneous Jokes

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

*************

Genre: Elderly Jokes

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

*************

+ Dating Joke
I dated this flaky woman one time.

Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonite."

"Good!" I replied. "That makes the four of us."

**************


+ Sex Joke
A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.

The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55".

The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.

Gerry starts, "1...2...3..."

*************

+ Sex Joke
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.

The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"

The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately.

One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!

-------------------------------------

LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......I'm so glad that this is my
last ... damn child support
payment. Month after month, year after year, those... damn payments! So
I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this
last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the
last damn check she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face." So my baby girl took
the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the wench had to
say and what she looked
like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?" "She told
me to tell you that you aren't my daddy..."



Acest topic a fost editat de Balauru: 15 Jul 2003, 05:36 PM


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Balauru
mesaj 15 Jul 2003, 07:15 PM
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THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"



THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"



THE THIRD AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Dooley, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Dooley had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Dooley" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Dooley is dead!"



THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. " No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for 3 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."



THE FIFTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"



THE SIXTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess," "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."





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mesaj 15 Jul 2003, 07:15 PM
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Balauru
mesaj 16 Jul 2003, 06:58 AM
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GRANDMA’S GOOD TIME

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed" the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No
wonder this baby is hungry.You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."


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Balauru
mesaj 17 Jul 2003, 11:26 AM
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look
on his face.

"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it
again!"

"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism
and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I
just beating a dead horse?"

*****************

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole
in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet
the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned
out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How
in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward."

*****************

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.

"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to
you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

*****************

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the
main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to
the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the
judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

*****************

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The
first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel
after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his
hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to
wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and
said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

*****************

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender
says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay,"
replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is
gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the
bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

*****************

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign
that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.


"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did
the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

*****************

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be
lawyers!

*****************

I read #7 and I knew I had to forward this one on......

Eternal Truths

1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.

7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our
sails.

9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.

10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.




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Balauru
mesaj 20 Jul 2003, 07:08 AM
Mesaj #41


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An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese.


It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the
silence that they don't get along very well.

After about thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like
Chinese."

The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not
Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter, they're all
alike."


Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says,
"No
rike Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ...
all same."

----------------------------------

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."






Acest topic a fost editat de Balauru: 20 Jul 2003, 09:12 AM


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Balauru
mesaj 22 Jul 2003, 08:39 AM
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Beer Troubleshooting


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.





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Balauru
mesaj 24 Jul 2003, 06:56 AM
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Translation problems


In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."


Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."


At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."


Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
> monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."






--------------------
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Figaro
mesaj 29 Jul 2003, 04:42 PM
Mesaj #44


Domnitor
******

Grup: Membri
Mesaje: 4.234
Inscris: 11 March 03
Forumist Nr.: 63



A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"



--------------------
Vreti sa vedeti ceva funny? Tastati alinalinuta in Yahoo.
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Mistinguett
mesaj 21 Sep 2003, 01:57 AM
Mesaj #45


Cea Mai Impaciuitoare Forumista din 2003
******

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Inscris: 25 April 03
Forumist Nr.: 240



We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There have been
only ten times in history when the "F" word was acceptable for use:

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999

And number 1 . . . drum roll.........................

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003


--------------------
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
"An eye for an eye makes a blind world" - Ghandi
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allexa
mesaj 22 Sep 2003, 05:45 AM
Mesaj #46


Vornic
****

Grup: Membri
Mesaje: 440
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Forumist Nr.: 594



No Respect

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the
Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.
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allexa
mesaj 25 Sep 2003, 12:41 AM
Mesaj #47


Vornic
****

Grup: Membri
Mesaje: 440
Inscris: 12 August 03
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A young boy asks his father about Mum. "Dad, what are those things on
Mummy's chest?"
The Dad doesn't know what to say so comes up with "They're balloons,
son."
"Balloons!" The boy replies. "Why would there be balloons on Mummy's
chest?"
Dad tries to think of something fast that will satisfy the boy. "Well,
when Mummy dies, we blow them up and she floats up to heaven."
The young boy seems to think this makes sense and all is forgotten for
the time being.
A month or two later, Dad is cutting the grass out back when the young
boy comes running out. "Dad! Dad! Come quick! Mummy's dying! Mummy's
Dying!"
The Dad stops the boy and says "Calm down Son. What do you mean? Why do
you think Mummy is dying?"
The boy is breathless, but explains "Well, Uncle Arthur is in there
blowing up Mummy's balloons and Mummy's yelling 'Oh God, I'm Coming!'


Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!

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atheos
mesaj 30 Sep 2003, 08:53 AM
Mesaj #48


Musteriu
*

Grup: Musterii
Mesaje: 44
Inscris: 26 August 03
Forumist Nr.: 674



A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"


--------------------
Just cos I don't know what happens after I die , I should not be an ignorant coward and invent story's about heaven and the virtues of my highly moral life , just so I can sleep better at night.
We are what we are - intelligent animals and for one I am very proud of that . If I have to believe in someone I chose to belive in myself and if it is in my nature to worship I chose to worship nature and every second of life I have on this planet
-Atheos
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allexa
mesaj 30 Sep 2003, 09:11 PM
Mesaj #49


Vornic
****

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Inscris: 12 August 03
Forumist Nr.: 594



Why chocolate is better than sex:

"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind..
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find..
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.
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allexa
mesaj 8 Oct 2003, 12:46 AM
Mesaj #50


Vornic
****

Grup: Membri
Mesaje: 440
Inscris: 12 August 03
Forumist Nr.: 594



How They Are Made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. Do you know
how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"



To,
Juliet
Sub: Offer of love!
Ref: Meeting in coffee shop
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager


Dear Ms.
Baby, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I' ve been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your Activex controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Professional.

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secunda
mesaj 8 Oct 2003, 04:22 PM
Mesaj #51


Domnitor
******

Grup: Membri
Mesaje: 2.034
Inscris: 22 September 03
Din: brasov
Forumist Nr.: 824



A discussion at an American airport, in the immigration office:
- Name?
- Muhjmatil Sahtamil.
- Sex ?
- Three times a week.
- I mean male or female.
- It doesn't matter...


--------------------
iubeste timpul si mie lasa-mi dorul
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Catrina
mesaj 8 Oct 2003, 06:17 PM
Mesaj #52


Musteriu
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Grup: Musterii
Mesaje: 15
Inscris: 25 April 03
Forumist Nr.: 238



A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out:
"Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks:
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard,"what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Winnetou," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Winnetou Papadopoulos."
spoton.gif
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sorin666
mesaj 21 Oct 2003, 02:03 PM
Mesaj #53


Domnitor
******

Grup: Membri
Mesaje: 2.069
Inscris: 25 August 03
Forumist Nr.: 668



In engleza il voi traduce... data viitoare smile.gif
Titlul : Curs de economie

Supposons deux vaches...




SOCIALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Vos voisins vous aident à vous en occuper et vous vous partagez le lait.
COMMUNISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend les deux et vous fournit en lait.
FASCISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend les deux et vous vend le lait.
NAZISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous prend la vache blonde et abat la brune.
DICTATURE : Vous avez deux vaches. Les miliciens les confisquent et vous fusillent.
FEODALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le seigneur s'arroge la moitié du lait.
DEMOCRATIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Un vote décide à qui appartient le lait.
DEMOCRATIE REPRESENTATIVE : Vous avez deux vaches. Une élection désigne celui qui décidera à qui appartient le lait.
DEMOCRATIE DE SINGAPOUR : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous écopez d'une amende pour détention de bétail en appartement.
ANARCHIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous les laissez se traire en autogestion.
CAPITALISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous en vendez une, et vous achetez un taureau pour faire des petits.
CAPITALISME DE HONG KONG : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous en vendez trois, par le biais de votre société cotée en bourse, en utilisant des lettres de créance ouvertes par votre beau-frère auprès de votre banque. Puis vous faites un "échange de dettes contre participation", assorti d'une offre publique, et vous récupérez quatre vaches dans l'opération, tout en bénéficiant d'un abattement fiscal pour entretien de cinq vaches. Les droits sur le lait de six vaches sont alors transférés par un intermédiaire panaméen sur le compte d'une société des îles Caïman, détenue clandestinement par un actionnaire qui revend à votre société cotée les droits sur le lait de sept vaches. Au rapport de la dite société figurent huit ruminants, avec option d'achat sur une bête supplémentaire. Entre temps vous abattez les deux vaches parce que leur horoscope est défavorable.
CAPITALISME SAUVAGE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous équarrissez l'une, vous forcez l'autre à produire autant que quatre, et vous licenciez finalement l'ouvrier qui s'en occupait en l'accusant d'avoir laissé la vache mourir d'épuisement.
BUREAUCRATIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement publie des règles d'hygiène qui vous invitent à en abattre une. Après quoi il vous fait déclarer la quantité de lait que vous avez pu traire de l'autre, il vous achète le lait et il le jette. Enfin il vous fait remplir des formulaires pour déclarer la vache manquante.
ÉCOLOGIE : Vous avez deux vaches. Vous gardez le lait et le gouvernement vous achète la bouse.
FEMINISME : Vous avez deux vaches. Le gouvernement vous inflige une amende pour discrimination. Vous échangez une de vos vaches pour un taureau que vous trayez aussi.
SURREALISME : Vous avez deux girafes. Le gouvernement exige que vous leur financiez une formation d'harmonica.
CAPITALISME EUROPEEN : On vous subventionne la première année pour acheter une 3eme vache. On fixe des quotas la deuxième année et vous payez une amende pour surproduction. La 3eme année, on vous donne une prime pour abattre la 3eme vache.
MONARCHIE CONSTITUTIONNELLE BRITANNIQUE : Vous tuez une des vaches pour la donner à manger à l'autre. La vache vivante devient folle. L'Europe vous subventionne pour l'abattre. Vous la donnez à manger à vos deux moutons.
CAPITALISME A LA FRANCAISE : Pour financer la retraite de vos deux vaches, le gouvernement décide de lever un nouvel impôt : la CSSANAB (cotisation sociale de solidarité avec nos amis les bêtes) Deux ans après, comme la France a récupéré une partie du cheptel britannique, le système est déficitaire. Pour financer le déficit on lève un nouvel impôt sur la production du lait : le RAB (Remboursement de l'Ardoise Bovine). Les vaches se mettent en grève. Il n'y a plus de lait. Les français sont dans la rue : "DU LAIT ON VEUT DU LAIT" La France construit un laitoduc sous la manche pour s'approvisionner auprès des Anglais. L'Europe déclare le lait anglais impropre à la consommation. Le laitoduc ne servira jamais. On lève un nouvel impôt pour l'entretien du laitoduc.


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allexa
mesaj 22 Oct 2003, 05:09 AM
Mesaj #54


Vornic
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Grup: Membri
Mesaje: 440
Inscris: 12 August 03
Forumist Nr.: 594



One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about| to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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Rose
mesaj 27 Oct 2003, 02:46 PM
Mesaj #55


child in time
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Real stuff smile.gif

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
==========
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about error, non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
==========
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
==========
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
==========
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
==========
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
==========
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
==========
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No ."
==========
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow, how can you see my screen from there?"
==========
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
==========
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
==========
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
==========
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
==========
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."


--------------------
"In fapta, lumea-i visul sufletului nostru..."
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Mistinguett
mesaj 6 Nov 2003, 02:32 PM
Mesaj #56


Cea Mai Impaciuitoare Forumista din 2003
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Grup: Moderator
Mesaje: 2.395
Inscris: 25 April 03
Forumist Nr.: 240



Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the
dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come
on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up
and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know -- I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.



--------------------
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
"An eye for an eye makes a blind world" - Ghandi
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bdl
mesaj 12 Nov 2003, 01:38 AM
Mesaj #57


Cel Mai Amuzant Forumist
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Din: Unde e cald si bine
Forumist Nr.: 86



Postat de dara


This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause.
" This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f****** stupid to own a computer!"


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You'll never see the stars if you are always looking down.


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Mistinguett
mesaj 25 Nov 2003, 09:24 PM
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Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2003 1:33 PM
Subject: patriotic duty

From: Atty General John Ashcroft
To: All good Americans

Patriotic duty

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, so this Saturday, at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON!


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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
"An eye for an eye makes a blind world" - Ghandi
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bdl
mesaj 29 Nov 2003, 03:31 AM
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Postat de yoyoman

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you'! ve delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Sper ca v-a placut!

Acest topic a fost editat de bdl: 29 Nov 2003, 03:33 AM


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bdl
mesaj 29 Nov 2003, 03:33 AM
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Postat de siaab
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously
in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck
swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you
have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can
be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage
in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering
the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and
ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love
than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for
quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in
five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence
of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the
third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my
children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone
thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo
handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not
looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost
immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't
last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms
with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but
to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the
ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple
before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?!
Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do
you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"


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EndLess_Point
mesaj 1 Dec 2003, 03:22 AM
Mesaj #61


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An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Stretch Limo stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of
it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the
mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However,
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will give her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: " You'll fuck her again! "
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E.B.E.
mesaj 8 Dec 2003, 11:02 AM
Mesaj #62


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Asta il pun in engleza nu pentru ca e cu copypaste de pe net, dar fiindca e singura limba in care are sens. Il scriu din memorie, asa ca imi cer scuze anticipat pentru eventualele inadvertente pe care le voi comite.

Somewhere in Ireland, a tourist enters an inn. Behind the bar, an old Irish-looking type, red beard et caetera. They start talking, and at one point the old man heavy-heartedly starts to tell his pains...
"You see this inn? Two-stories high, made out of the best wood available these parts, flowers at every window, a good roof, good cellar and all the stuff... Built it with me own two hands... Do they call me Peter-the-inn-builder? No...
"Go to the window, look outside. See that pier, stretching far out, into the sea? Built it with me own two hands... Carried every bloody rock on me own aching back... But do they call me Peter-the-pier-builder? No...
"See this bar? Black marble, shining, ten feet long by three feet wide... Brought the marble with me own little carriage, polished it with me own aching hands... Do they call me Peter-the-bar-maker? No...
"But ye fuck one goat...

smile.gif

Acest topic a fost editat de E.B.E.: 8 Dec 2003, 11:03 AM


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I spend my time thinking of Angel... praying she ain't thinking of me...

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Balauru
mesaj 14 Dec 2003, 08:27 PM
Mesaj #63


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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may Pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and a huge frown
and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."


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bdl
mesaj 16 Dec 2003, 01:17 AM
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Banc postat de TRESTY

Sa ma bag si eu in seama si la bancuri... probabil ca acesta ar fi trebuit pus la cele in engleza... dar mie mi se pare prea bun (unul din cele mai bune pe care le-am citit vreodata) cu atat mai mult cu cat se zvoneste ca ar fi o faza reala

Real Story: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM,
was running a competition to find contestants who could
come up with words that were not found in any English
Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence
that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to
Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two
standing out:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what is your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "We are just checking that (pause) and you are
correct, Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in
the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a
trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that
word in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced
that there is no place for that sort of language on a
family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the
following caller:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what is your word?"
Caller: "Smee...spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "We are checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Jeff. 'Smee' is certainly a word not found in the
English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip
for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that word
in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"


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Zed
mesaj 16 Dec 2003, 01:37 PM
Mesaj #65


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A letter from grandma

Dear kids,

I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour.

I haven't been feeling very good - the friend I shared a room with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows.

It's been six months since you've visited me last, I guess you're all pretty busy. It's OK, I've learned to use the internet to pass the time. And the computer in the recreation room has a pretty decent webcam. So you can remember what I look like, I have attached a recent picture of myself.

You all take care, and write to me soon.

With all of my heart,

Love, Grandma






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Grandma:
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I'm hanging on your words /Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin /Will I always be here ?!

Iarta-ti mereu dusmanii. Nimic nu-i supara mai tare.
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Balauru
mesaj 17 Dec 2003, 08:42 PM
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English Grammar ( do you understand?)

occdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.


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Mistinguett
mesaj 18 Dec 2003, 06:35 AM
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Asta de lene nu-l traduc.

There's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You
might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM

NOW SCROLL DOWN...

























NOW SCROLL UP...


That's enough for the first day



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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
"An eye for an eye makes a blind world" - Ghandi
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Balauru
mesaj 23 Dec 2003, 01:28 PM
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DON'T FART IN BED

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she

rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."



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Mistinguett
mesaj 23 Dec 2003, 09:51 PM
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roflmao.gif roflmao.gif I swear to God, this is my neighbor! It went on for months, every morning, and then all of a sudden it stopped! rofl.gif rofl.gif


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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
"An eye for an eye makes a blind world" - Ghandi
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Balauru
mesaj 24 Dec 2003, 10:12 AM
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Hey, le tragea el tare sau izolatia fonica lasa de dorit ???? smile.gif)))


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